


Did You Miss Me?

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: (not really please don't do it), Adrenaline, Alternate Universe - Medical, Angst, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, Brain Surgery, Dr. Chae, Dr. Lee - Freeform, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hoseok loves running..., HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon can run faster though., It's hot, Loneliness, M/M, RIP, Realisation that you might have to revise important life decisions for your own happiness, Smut, Switzerland, Top Lee Hoseok | Wonho, You might be able to perform a thrombectomy after this lmao, away, but you won't be able to make everybody happy, change of feelings, happiness is important, loving work, the tension will kill you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:42:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 162,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23821021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: It was a life straight out of a storybook, the way everybody hoped to live in the end. But life is rarely as it seems, memories are not forgotten, experiences are not meaningless and the people you thought you lost, might come back in a way you had never expected.Dedicated to medical healthcare workers who risk their lives and are silently here for us every day and help us maintain our health and our everyday happiness. Thank you so much.We donated 140$ to the Arc. Project that makes and donates personal protection equipment for medical workers in Bali. More info on Twitter and Instagram.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho
Comments: 56
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: **DID YOU MISS ME?**. We really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals with the past, how it shapes us and that it's sometimes necessary to make decisions for your own happiness.  
> The story is already written and published and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
> If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Write us a brief dm so we can accept your follow. We decline if we don't get a dm.)  
> [INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to take something precious with you.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> Hichanchen writes Hyungwon, Elias  
> SMUTSIS_maria writes Wonho/Hoseok, Yura, Few doctors, Areum and Riku  
> As always a special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie who are medical care workers and gave a lot of important input and to Angie, who is the first person to read it and will draw a beautiful cover for that work.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful for every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly, it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story on the way after this one, so stay tuned.)

CHAPTER 1

If anybody asked him at what point in his life he really felt the best, then his answer would be right now. Parked in the garage of the gym after working a 24-hour shift and wanting to squeeze the last drop of energy out of his muscles, it was the best possible thing to do right at that moment.

_And nobody died. It's a perfect day, really._

Smiling at himself in the rearview mirror, he stepped out of the car and took out the sports bag that he threw over his shoulder, before walking up the stairs to the gym.

_9:30 pm is the perfect time to go because everybody is gone._

The thought made his smile even brighter as he went straight to the change room, quickly changing into shorts, shirt and running shoes. It was cardio day today, so he was going to do a few reps and run for an hour or so.

He was going to look amazing and the way his arms bulged after he used the 25kg dumbbells to do his bicep exercises made him happy.

_It's the endorphins plus exhaustion. You're going to drop dead at home._

Grinning at his reflection in the mirror, he returned the blue dumbbells to the shelf and briefly glanced at the three free treadmills, one occupied by a guy running. He used the time he needed to move from the weight corner to the treadmills to observe the man's pretty good technique, maybe because he didn't have to carry eighty-five kilograms of muscle mass. Considering the high speed, the guy didn't sweat much and kept his posture, moving his long legs smoothly in big efficient strides.

_Awesome._

Maybe when he had more time, he would train for a marathon again and work on his technique, but today he would just run until he felt like dying to feel like flying afterwards.

Hoseok fixed his in-ears and was about to put his towel on the handle, but an 'out of order' sign made him reconsider. He had wanted to keep some distance between the guy and himself, but the only two free and functioning treadmills were on each side of the man who was running like a Buddha, if that made any sense.

_No, it doesn't. You're tired._

He sighed but still observed the elegant motions and how the lean body moved in a calm and repetitive way. Hanging his towel on the handle, he stretched once and turned on the warm up program, using the time to look to the right, watching how fast the long legs moved but how there was no sweat, at least as far as he could see.

_Interesting._

Something about the guy's appearance confused him but he couldn't point it out, so he increased the speed to 12km/h and started running, looking ahead and doing his best to tire his body out.

First, his mind analyzed his day, the emergency patient that came in after a car crash and that they had to perform abdominal surgery on. It was interesting as he went through the patients of the last 24 hours and the anesthetic agents he used, evaluating whether he made a mistake or what might have been a better choice.

_You're looking forward to neurology._

At some point thinking became so exhausting that his mind turned off, only focusing on his motions and his breathing. The moment he waited for and the moment he ran for... absolute nothing with a bit of consciousness.

When there was sudden pain in his side and left leg, he inhaled more air than usual and reached for the remote, reducing the speed and grabbing his water bottle. A glance at the numbers showed that he’d been running for 55 minutes. A good outcome after being on his feet for twenty-seven hours.

He wiped the sweat that was dripping down his nose and chin with his towel and turned to the right, surprisingly meeting the gaze of the person who was walking at the same pace next to him, also cooling down from his cardio exercise.

_Why is this confusing?_

He swallowed and stared as the guy next to him returned his gaze to the display on the treadmill.

_But you don't know him, or do you?_

Listing all his previous colleagues and medical assistants in Bern and now in Zürich, it didn't seem as if he knew who it was. It made no sense, because something clicked in his brain, but he couldn't explain why.

"You have great technique," he breathed out and used the towel to dry his face and neck.

"I would say the same about you, but it seems like technique isn't your goal today," he heard next to him. The guy's voice had a pleasant low timbre and was surprisingly controlled for somebody who had been running all this time, even before Hoseok joined. "Getting something out of your system?"

He smiled as well as he could between the rough inhales, before wiping over his neck once again and slowing down along with the treadmill. “Mhm, the energy. I will sleep really well tonight. You don’t look particularly exhausted. Respect.” Glancing at the minimal moist spots on the man’s clothes, he really wondered whether it was because of his lean form that he didn’t sweat much, unlike him.

"My goal is cardio and holding out for longer each time while increasing the speed." He got a smile in return as the guy adjusted his headband that wasn't necessary considering that his forehead was dry. "But if tiring yourself out is your goal, you might want to keep your limits in mind. Fainting won't do you any good, nor will enlarged heart arteries."

_Must be one of the Google PhDs._

Chuckling briefly, he couldn’t decide whether he should be offended because the stranger dissed his technique, his stamina, or that he thought it was necessary to tell him, a medical professional, about anatomy. “I’ll keep it in mind, thank you.” Hoseok inhaled deeply and turned the program off despite having another five minutes of cool down. Not having the energy to be nice to strangers meant that he was really tired. It was time to go to the sauna, then home and drop dead. “Have a nice workout,” he commented as he walked to the disinfectant and cleaned the treadmill before grabbing his bottle and towel.

"It was nice, thank you." He was met with a grin as the guy wiped over his treadmill as well before throwing a towel over his broad shoulders that seemed a bit unusual for his otherwise slim form. Hoseok hadn't invited the man to join him, but apparently there was nobody else but him around to talk to, the reason he preferred the gym at night. "Do you plan on getting rid of the remaining workout tension or going straight home?"

_Getting rid of tension? Is he also going to the sauna?_

“Sauna? Yeah. I always go, it doesn’t feel right otherwise. The blood circulation is better and the cold pool gives me the energy to be able to drive home,” Hoseok replied and brushed his wet bangs back, walking past the dumbbells and feeling sad that he didn’t train more, because his arms looked better right after a workout.

"It's good to soothe overworked muscles, so one feels like a fluffy cloud afterwards. Good combination with the endorphins," the guy remarked before disappearing behind the door of a locker and changing out of his workout clothes.

Hoseok did the same but glanced to the side once in a while because he kept wondering how those rather slim legs managed to carry out an intense cardio exercise for such a long time, but apparently it was possible. Maybe it was really the technique and he needed some improvement. After undressing and wrapping the big towel around his hips, he decided to take a look at his phone briefly to check the emails. When he saw there were only fourteen, a smile appeared on his face because he knew he could work through them before going to bed. Everything was perfect.

_Just twenty minutes of heat and you’ll feel like a new human._

He placed his iPhone next to his bag, before closing the locker and glanced to the side. His eyes instantly fell on thin arms that crossed over the other man's chest and the white towel that the guy had wrapped around his hips, leaning against two empty lockers. He must have been waiting for him to change in order to go to the sauna together.

"Ready?" he was asked as the man smiled and brushed through his dark hair.

_Oh? He’s coming along?_

“Sure! Sorry, I didn’t realize you were planning on going too. But that’s nice. Maybe you can tell me how you are able to run for such a long time with that steadiness of breathing and complete lack of sweat. If you don’t sweat in the sauna either, you might need to get a medical examination.” He grinned and walked towards the sauna, holding the door open for the other man to follow.

"Intriguing," he heard next to his ear as he saw the lean legs walk past and stop in front of the 100 degrees sauna room. "I'd love to say that it's all technique, but it's not. I generally don't sweat that much and need longer than average for my body to start. The sauna does a decent job though, you'll see." A chuckle followed as the guy glanced in his direction and lifted an eyebrow, probably to figure out if he was fine with 100 degrees.

_That’s basically your home._

“I love this one. It’s a little narrow, but usually empty as most people go into the eighty degree one. But what am I going to do if you have better technique in sweating too?” He laughed and stepped out of his slippers, opening the door and walking inside. As soon as the heat enveloped him, he unwrapped the towel around his hips and put it on the upper bench. Usually he just lay down, but this time, as he was talking to somebody else, he sat on the towel, propping his arms against the bench and leaning back a little. “It’s really hot, it’s nice.”

"Couldn't agree more." There was a hint of amusement in the other man's voice as he sat down on his white towel across from him and rested his elbows on his thighs. "You're definitely beating me when it comes to sweating. There are already drops on your shoulders and chest, impressive."

_Because your body knows that you need to cool down quickly._

“Well, my body learned early that I need to cool down quickly, so my perspiratory glands work hard.” He laughed and threw his head back for a few seconds, enjoying the burning heat against his face before returning to his previous position and glancing at the man across from him. His body was so different from his own and reminded him of the way he had looked back in high school, slim and lean, before he started working out and making sure that he had a lot of strength. “You don’t sweat much. I would ask if you get exhausted easily, but I saw that you don’t, so I won’t.”

"Genetics I assume in combination with regular cardio. It has its advantages." Shrugging briefly, the guy across mirrored his position by resting his hands on the bench and tilting his head back. "I used to sweat much more when I started, but now my body’s gotten used to the effort and only cools down by itself when I'm in here. It's slowly starting even if you probably can't see." Using a big palm to wipe over his chest, the other man showed him the way it glistened in the orange light.

“It’s pretty dark in here. So, people don't feel self-conscious, I guess. But I will believe you,” he replied and grinned, glancing at his chest and the drops that rolled down his solar plexus and onto his stomach. “How often do you usually train?”

"About two to three times a week. I make sure to stay with a regular workout regime without ruining all the health benefits by overdoing it. It's difficult to make time for more than that though, work calls."

“Oh, I feel it. I moved here two months ago, so I’m getting back into my routine. I aim to do five times a week if I don’t work nights and 24hour shifts, but I mostly take every shift that's offered, so it comes down to three or four times. I pay attention to alternate weight and cardio, but I assume you just do cardio, so the three times make sense.” Hoseok glanced at the hourglass that he turned after coming in that was about halfway through. He was already glistening, drops of sweat forming on his thighs and running down, body heating up quickly because he was sitting. Inhaling deeply, he listened to his body and decided to lie down, pulling the small piece of wood under his head and bending one leg. “It was a bit tiring today, so my stamina is lacking.”

"I'm impressed that you're still on your feet, so no need to justify yourself. I'd probably be lying on the ground fading in and out of consciousness with the combo of exhaustion and running speed you went for. My lucky guess would be that today was one of those 24h shift days." Sighing out loud, the other man wiped over his arms and thighs before leaning a little further back and resting his head against the wooden walls. "I do add some weight training once in a while, but it's mostly for muscle definition and nothing else. I'm fine with my muscle mass and my main goal is to stand for as long as I'm able to."

_He guessed right. You must look exhausted._

“Makes a lot of sense. I've been weight-lifting for a long time but sometimes I do miss my lean, slim form from fifteen years ago, it was easier to carry around.” He chuckled and switched the leg he was bending. The hourglass showed only a minute left. “Standing for a long time, huh? Make sure to move a bit, you don't want to end up with a deep vein thrombosis.” Hoseok inhaled deeply and got up from his towel pointing at the sand that had fully run through the glass. “Done.”

"Perfect, just enough to get all slick." Chuckling, the guy stood up and wrapped his towel around his hips before holding the door open for Hoseok to follow him out. "Thrombosis is an occupational hazard, so I do the best I can to keep the risk to a minimum. You say you were slim fifteen years ago? That's a long time. Means there's hope for everybody who would like to have a body like yours."

“I was similar to you back in the day, less defined maybe, but that was really long ago and there’s always hope.” He followed the man out and took off his towel to walk right into the small ice-cold pool, dunking under the refreshing water and covering his head for a few seconds before his body screamed and he returned to the surface, inhaling deeply. Chuckling at how awesome he felt after such a simple thing as a sequence of heat and cold, he glanced up at his company. “I can only recommend that. Way more effective than a simple shower."

"I like how shocking your system defeats your exhaustion. You look much more alive," the slim man commented from the edge of the pool. "Do you mind me joining or should I wait for you to get out?"

“Huh? No, feel free, I usually make sure to stay at least a minute.” Hoseok smiled and moved a bit to the edge to give the other man space if he wanted to jump in.

After taking off his towel, the guy walked down the steps and slipped into the water. He was slower though, each step calculated and rather elegant, just like the way he ran. The slim chest held in the oxygen as ice cold water surrounded the other man's body and he washed his face and hair with his palms instead of going under. "Definitely amazing, even if it's a rush of blood to the head. I usually shower to be honest, but you're broadening my horizons."

“I’m glad. Submerging is the best though. The feeling is different.” He decided to follow his own advice and dunked again for a few seconds, letting the ice-cold water cover his head before returning and brushing his hair back, a smile spreading his lips because of the endorphins. “Almost as good as exercise.”

"I think I will leave that experience for another time." The man next to him smiled back and used his palms to collect some of the water which he poured over his hair after throwing his head back.

Something about the motion returned the feeling from before, but at this point he was fairly certain that there was no way for him to know the man that he randomly met while exercising. Wrapping his hand around the handrail, he slowly walked out and gave his body a few seconds to adjust before quickly wrapping his towel around his hips and waiting for the other man to leave the cold pool. He exited much faster than he went in, so he moved on to the showers. It felt rude to take one of the stalls as they had been talking all this time, so he hung his towel on the hook and turned on the spray, pouring some shower gel on his palm and soaping his chest and thighs.

"You said that you were slim fifteen years ago, right?" he heard the guy's low voice not too far from him as another shower turned on. The tone changed, but Hoseok couldn't quite tell what it was. "What made you decide to change that? Not manly enough?"

_Huh?_

He had shampoo in his hair, so he couldn’t look, but did his best to reply. “Ah, that- I just wanted to change something about me and that was something that I thought would be a good start. It took a long time but I felt comfortable with it.”

"That's interesting. Why did you feel the need to change?" The water interrupted the words, but Hoseok could still hear them relatively well. The other man must have chosen a shower close to him. "But then again, a lot of people change themselves after high school, be it their hair or clothes or something else visible."

“You never wanted to change anything?” he asked in return, too tired to figure out if the other man felt offended by him wanting to change his appearance. “And it’s not that different body types aren’t attractive, that's not true, it is a personal thing. Also, it’s a good distraction and balance for my mind, it always has been and it still is.” Hoseok washed out the shampoo thoroughly and applied conditioner.

"Mmh, that makes sense," he got in reply as the other man was washing his hair, eyes closed. "But I think for me the development was the other way around. I constantly felt the need to change something until I decided that it was enough and unnecessary. Now I guess it would be nice to change some memories, but science isn't that far yet."

“Memories? Try to avoid triggers,” he commented, and closed his eyes to wash out the conditioner. “You look very confident and your running technique is great, so I guess you did everything right. It’s me who needs to learn some things, I guess. But not today. 24 hours are taking their toll on my body.”

"Avoiding triggers sounds like an effective technique, it must have served you well." The shower next to him turned off and he heard the sound of the other man's feet as he made his way towards his towel to dry himself. "I'm sorry for straining your resources further. You must be really exhausted and I hope you'll have a good night's sleep."

“Oh, you didn’t actually. It was quite refreshing to talk about something else apart from protein powder, so thank you for that and for keeping me company. Take care.” Hoseok smiled brightly and walked to his towel, feeling a little dizzy. He dried himself with the fresh one and moved to his locker to get dressed, pack his things, drive home, drink a shake and probably still take care of those fourteen emails before going to sleep and dream nothing because those nights were the best ones.

_

_Darkness: pitch black and so welcome, only the brighter sparks that appeared when he moved, skin reflecting the little light from the moon shining into the small window and gifting every object a gorgeous silver shadow. Shimmering skin, legs that tightened around his neck, nails digging into his skin, pain that he loved and wanted to feel more of, lack of oxygen and low breathy moans. Half-lidded eyes that looked down on him, reflected the burning inside his lower stomach, the arousal from the nails that travelled down his shoulders. The fingers that pulled on his hair made him dizzy and he wanted to moan, but hummed instead, unable to get out a proper sound and slid his hands over the smooth skin, accompanied by a tremble around his neck, the dizziness from being unable to breathe and a slightly bitter taste in his mouth. He was unsure whether it was because it tasted bitter, or if he was bitter because it was over. When he looked up he could only see the round chin, and full lips with a round mole on the bottom one, parting in a sound he couldn’t hear anymore as everything turned black._

_Not again._

His eyes opened and he stared at the high ceiling, searching for a sign that it has been a dream. Glancing to the right, he recognized the dark wooden panels, the dresser and the door to the dressing room. When he turned to the other side, he saw Yura’s sleeping face, eyes closed, thin lips slightly parted and one arm resting above her head, partially covering the black hair that was sprawled over her big pillow that she liked using so much. It was one of those dreams again.

_Maybe you are stressed from moving, but actually you’re so satisfied. Everything is going well._

He lay in bed for a few more minutes before reaching for his phone to unlock it and stare at the numbers. 4:23 it read, five hours was not enough to be considered a healthy sleep, especially not after a 24-hour shift, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anymore. Even if it was only because he didn’t want to risk having one of those dreams again.

_You can go to work. They will let you even if it's actually your day off._

He got up quietly to not wake up Yura. She had been sleeping when he came home the night before, but she needed more sleep than him, probably cherishing every minute that she could stay in dreamland. After brushing his teeth and getting dressed in a grey shirt and suit pants, he checked on Areum and Riku, but both were sleeping safe and soundly, Riku snoring a little in his sleep. They were adorable.

Hoseok loved the new house and how he could walk down the stairs to the ground floor and turn on the coffee machine no matter how late or early it was because of the superb acoustic insulation of the rooms upstairs. The architect had done an amazing job and he was happy and satisfied. Standing in his gorgeous new kitchen, in his own house with his wife and kids sleeping peacefully, he sipped on his perfect black coffee and thought that his life was perfect right at that moment.

_If only you would stop dreaming stuff like that._

That was annoying and he tried not to think about it and what it meant, but as usual, dreams meant nothing and only reality counted. His was everything he had ever wanted, so he finished his cup of coffee and walked out, unlocked his BMW and turned on the news as he drove to the hospital that was only a ten-minute drive from his new home.

_It is perfect, Hoseok. Everything is perfect._

When he arrived and ran up the stairs, he thought about the man with the superb technique for a brief moment, but Benjamin, an OR nurse rushed towards him as soon as he entered and told him that they needed somebody stat, so he ran to the change room, quickly changing into surgical scrubs because they had a patient with an ischemic stroke and the neurosurgeon from the stroke unit needed an anesthesiologist. His actual first case should have been tomorrow, but oh well, since when was his job predictable in any way.

_Exciting._

“The neurosurgeon wants to do a thrombectomy right now because the time window is narrow, but the anesthetist in charge is in an emergency c-section right now.” Benjamin looked nervous, as if he had already got shit for not finding a specialist quickly.

“Thrombectomy? Awesome. I’ve witnessed only a few until now and I went to the US and Israel for that, there are not many who can do it. Who’s the neurosurgeon?” Hoseok pulled the mask over his face and ran into the stroke unit, scrubbing up while Benjamin filled him in on the case.

“Dr. Chae. We are very happy to have him and that he hasn't left for a more prestigious place yet.” The other man grinned and continued telling him about the patient.

_Dr. Chae? You don’t know him, do you?_

It didn’t seem like it. He could remember every single one of the eight people who he saw perform brain surgery before and Dr. Chae wasn’t one of them, but still the name felt kind of weird. Hoseok dropped the useless thoughts and disinfected his hands before the surgical nurse put gloves on him and entered the brightly lit operating room.

The patient was ready and he took a look at the consent form before checking the vitals and setting up the machine and medications. They all seemed fine, so he glanced at the people present, greeting everyone he already knew with a nod and stopping at the person he obviously didn't. He could only see the eyes, but they were pretty big and the man was obviously staring at him while the radiologist next to him happily pulled his mask down to give him a grin.

"Good morning. Dr. Lee, anesthesia. I guess it's good that I came in early today." He introduced himself and smiled with his mask still on before quickly checking the patient chart and asking questions to decide whether he would use general or local anesthesia. "I can do both, local or general, but I usually listen to what the surgeon prefers if both is possible, so what's your preference?" he asked the neurosurgeon who was still looking at him.

"Good morning, since only motor areas are currently affected, I'd prefer local to instantly assess recovery afterwards." The neurosurgeon's voice was low, but strong enough to be audible through the mask. Newer doctors tended to speak too quietly or too loudly in stressful situations while wearing masks. The surgeon's big eyes remained on him for a little longer than necessary until he seemed to snap out of it and gestured for him to start. "Please go ahead."

He was taken aback by the strange reaction, but the hospital was a place with all kinds of people, so in the end it wasn't strange enough to make him forget what his job was and that time was crucial. Hoseok administered a local anesthetic to the groin and a low dose of Fentanyl before applying a nasal cannula to supply oxygen. After checking the vitals, he stepped to the side, closer to the patients head and nodded. "Looks good. You can start Dr. Chae."

His reply was a firm nod as the surgeon got to work, asking for the respective surgical instruments as he inserted a catheter into the internal carotid artery through a femoral arterial puncture. Once in a while the patient was asked about possible headaches or head pressure, but luckily it seemed to be going well and there were no complaints. The big screens suggested that the catheter was moving nicely along the wire and a few more moments were sufficient to reach the clot and push the stent retriever through it.

Dr. Chae was perfectly composed as he kept his gaze on the updated CT and retrieved the clot along with the catheter. The change in CT was instant, showing blood passing through the arteries that had been invisible moments ago. Exhaling calmly, the neurosurgeon gave the team a sign and addressed the patient, first inquiring about his well-being and eventually asking him to move his hand and each finger separately.

_Impressive._

Hoseok smiled under his mask and checked the vitals and blood pressure, making sure that the patient was okay.

"Good job," he thanked the team when it was over and he walked out and took off his gloves, pulling down his mask in front of the big sink. A figure joined him and a glance to the side revealed that it was the neurosurgeon. "Amazing job, Dr. Chae," he said as he scrubbed his hands.

"Thank you," the other man replied, but didn't elaborate any further. Hoseok felt eyes on his face again until the surgeon pulled down his mask and took a deep breath. "I'm thankful the patient was awake and we were able to assess his motor functions. Welcome to the team."

Hoseok smiled as he dried his hands and finally turned to face the other man, freezing in place because without the mask, the face was pretty familiar. Big eyes were focused on him and he recognized the person that he had met at the gym the evening before. Suddenly, his first feeling made sense because he must've seen the other man at the hospital on occasion and his brain probably remembered. "Oh! Well, that's what I call a coincidence. I hope you had a good night's sleep."

_As if. He was here before you._

"As good as a few hours can be," was the surgeon's reply as the other man kept staring at his face without going anywhere. Both of them were blocking the available sinks but they had a brief break after the emergency surgery and the other man was doing a few finger exercises to loosen his muscles. "I'm impressed that you are functional after yesterday and so little sleep. You weren't called in, were you? If that's the case, you are very quick. Thank you for that, Dr. Lee."

“It was a coincidence,” he admitted, “But a very useful one, so I’m happy. To be honest, I was going to have my first neurosurgery case tomorrow, but I guess today is also good. I’ve seen a few thrombectomies, but you are sure competent, I’m lucky that I was here by chance and could watch.” Again, he smiled and couldn’t wait to take off his surgical cap as Dr. Mueller from radiology put the patient’s chart into his hand while going past and grinning as usual.

"It's mostly practice and I'm glad the hospital offers the option. It was one of the reasons for coming here." Dr. Chae crossed his arms in front of his chest and briefly glanced at the papers in his hands. "What was yours? You said you moved only recently, so what brings an anesthetist to this hospital?"

“The Neurosurgery department,” he chuckled. “It’s my favorite. I’ve been to a few hospitals but the job here sounded good plus the rest fit well. I've mostly been in critical emergency facilities before but…”

_Why would you tell him?_

“But now I am glad that I can mostly concentrate on neurosurgery. I guess you will dictate your report, I’ll write mine quickly then.” Hoseok lifted the chart and took a brief look, stumbling upon a name that he stared at, frozen in place.

_Why is that name here?_

It seemed as if the world was standing still when he read the same two words all over again before slowly lifting his gaze past the crossed arms, the slim neck, round chin on to the lips that weren’t parted but had a round mole that was grazing the bottom one.

_Fuck._

Unable to breathe, his fingers tightened around the chart and he simply turned around, walking in the wrong direction first before turning and rushing past the tall figure.

It was frustrating and he couldn’t believe it. How could he run and run, make decisions and work towards a goal, finally grabbing it with both hands, only to end up standing right in front of the thing he had been running away from? It must have been one of those dreams. Again.

_Then wake up. Just wake the fuck up._

***

_Some things never change, do they?_

Brushing through his hair to fix the way it fell on his forehead, Hyungwon discarded his cap and the rest of his surgical attire. Those caps were necessary but at the same time turned his black hair into a monstrosity as soon he took them off.

Usually there would be a break after an emergency surgery, but he was supposed to do rounds at 7 o'clock and it was already 6:45. Luckily, he had arrived around 4 o'clock to prepare for spinal cord surgery, only to have it moved due to the emergency thrombectomy.

_Now you'll have to do it in the afternoon after the second round of patient visits._

The good thing about work was that it kept him busy. There wasn't much time to think about the things that frustrated him and cause a fresh spark of fury and unfairness, not unless he was standing in front of a sink, fixing his hair and washing his hands.

_That fucking coward._

Hyungwon hadn't expected much, of course not. When he went to the gym to stay fit and not faint during a 6-hour-surgery, he hadn't expected to encounter _somebody_ from his high school times. Who the hell has such expectations after a long day at work and after having relevant things to think about? The trip to the gym was supposed to be relaxing, possibly filled with the sight of a few beautiful, muscular men and a trip to the sauna as a finish.

_He did turn into a beautiful, muscular man though. You have to give him that._

Hyungwon couldn't remember what he imagined Hoseok Lee turning into back when he knew him in high school, but a buff anesthetist probably wasn't it.

_Almost ironic that both of you ended up in medical school after the whole fiasco. Should have become a psychiatrist instead of a neurosurgeon considering the way he reacts to you._

Self-preservation and knowing what was worth the effort and what wasn't belonged to his crucial set of skills and if he had recognized Hoseok earlier, Hyungwon might not have bothered talking to him for such a long time and enjoying his company in the sauna. Simply to spare himself unnecessary disappointment and curiosity.

_When you told him about wanting to forget some shit memories he really said, 'avoid triggers', didn't he?_

Hyungwon chuckled to himself and ruffled up his hair before flattening it at the sides and concluding that he looked good enough for a simple round through the patient ward. There were a few cases that were more serious and required constant supervision, but the rest weren't too worrisome and had a good prognosis.

Maybe he should have been embarrassed that instead of recognizing his high school friend's face, he recognized the heart-shaped mole at the base of his dick, but Hyungwon had always had an eye for peculiar details.

_That one was definitely peculiar and you had seen it often enough._

It could have been so easy. A brief meeting at the gym, realizing that they are both adults and grew up and hopefully moving on with their busy lives that involved saving people's lives and improving them instead of expecting apologies and nostalgic conversation. That was the reason Hyungwon had cut their conversation short under the shower, realizing that there was no point in talking to somebody who considered 'avoiding triggers' a decent strategy to deal with uncomfortable memories.

_Some things never change._

He had already signed his name and stamped their encounter as finished and done, packing it away under 'awkward but acceptable encounters from the past', but of course Hoseok had to be the anesthetist that was going to join the team starting tomorrow.

_But even that could have been manageable._

The two of them were adults, medical professionals, and there were much more important things to deal with than petty arguments and disagreements from high school. Hyungwon didn't consider himself the petty one, but if he allowed himself enough time to think back on it, he did taste bitterness on his tongue and felt the desire to punch Dr. Lee's curved mouth.

_You thought he recognized you and pretended not to, but obviously he needed your name to figure it out._

He sighed out loud and had to reassure one of the nurses that he was doing alright as she asked him about exhaustion. Exhaustion was definitely not the problem here. Making his way to his office, he closed the door and sighed once more, this time without anybody hearing it.

His white lab coat hung over his office chair and he wrapped it around himself before checking for his plexor in one of his pockets and feeling relatively ready for his rounds. Maybe he would have felt readier if the new anesthetist hadn't been standing there with eyes like sauce pans and staring at his name as if it was a curse word.

_He was basically having a mental breakdown just because he recognized your name._

Hyungwon had been pretty close to grinning and just commenting 'long time no see' when Hoseok finally looked up from the paper and stared at his face. He probably would have if Hoseok hadn't panicked like a fucking chicken and started running in the wrong direction only to turn and run past him as if he was a patch of empty air and suddenly not worthy of conversation.

_Avoiding triggers, huh?_

It must have been a fucking philosophy then, one that had no space at a neurosurgery clinic with a small team and constant encounters.

How constant those encounters were, Hyungwon realized as soon as he knocked on the door to Mrs. Weber's hospital room and entered with the patient information safely noted on his clipboard. His eyes instantly fell on the broad figure sitting next to her and obviously explaining the possible risk of anesthesia.

_Why didn't you think about this? She has her surgery tomorrow and he's probably the anesthetist in charge._

Hyungwon didn't care about 'avoiding triggers' because it was bullshit, but he was genuinely curious how 'Dr. Lee' was going to react this time.

_He can't just run off in the middle of a consultation, can he?_

"I hope I am not disturbing you, Mrs. Weber," he began and smiled at the young woman who seemed genuinely happy to see him. "I wanted to check on your well-being before the procedure tomorrow, but I see you already have a visitor."

The broad shoulders didn't move, and it showed that the reaction was late.

"Yes, Dr. Lee is here because of the surgery tomorrow, he told me to not worry because you're very competent and the anesthesia is pretty safe." The woman smiled again and pointed at the consent papers that she signed.

"I think that the surgeon in charge needs to check up on you, so we will see each other tomorrow and I'll make sure that you're safe. You can contact me if you have any questions." The other man stood up and took the consent form, glancing at him and nodding with a superficial smile that made Hyungwon want to hit him.

_He must be trying so hard._

Hyungwon smiled back, keeping his smile genuine because he had no reason to force himself. Sure, he felt a sudden urge to use violence, but that was due to 'Dr. Lee' behaving like an utter dick and running away instead of showing a decent collegial relationship.

"I'll see you tomorrow at the surgery then, Dr. Lee," he commented and allowed himself a last glance at the other man's face. Something was a bit weird, because the black eyes only looked at his mouth before the gaze refocused on something else.

_He probably has 'avoid triggers' tattooed on his muscular ass._

"I think we… will see each other at the case discussion in two hours," Dr. Lee remarked before leaving the room. The only thing missing was eerie music to accompany the eminent dread that the other man was probably feeling.

Hyungwon felt angry, of course he did, but at the same time he was a little curious. He wondered what happened to the slim boy that went to high school with him and that pulled a gigantic dick move on him, only to become buff and continue pulling the same fucking dick move over fifteen years later.

_Fifteen fucking years._

"He seems very nice and only said good things about you, Dr. Chae," Mrs. Weber commented next to him and Hyungwon instantly felt bad for letting her see their interaction. It didn't look hostile, but one probably didn't have to be attentive to see that something was off.

_Enough to tell you that he only said good things about you._

"Well, I saw him in the operating room today and could also tell you that you're in good hands, but I'm sure that he already assured you of that." He smiled and got out his plexor to check her reflexes and see if any additional motoric impairments appeared in addition to her reduced muscle tonus.

While going through the regular checkup and keeping up friendly conversation, Hyungwon couldn't help but wonder if the perfectly synchronized teamwork of the neurosurgery team was going to suffer because he regularly felt like choking one of its members.

_Benefit of the doubt, Hyungwon. Maybe he will get used to it and it'll become as meaningless as it was during the past fifteen years._

After all, Hoseok had always been pretty good at turning things meaningless.

_

Saying that Hyungwon was fuming with anger was an understatement. He did his best not to let other people suffer because of his mood swings, but the way the manager of the emergency unit handed him some documents and stared at his smile, must have meant that it didn't reach his eyes.

_This isn't only unprofessional, it's childish._

Case meetings were not only an opportunity to get an overview on current patients, but it was also one of the occasions during which the whole team got together. Dr. Lee was supposed to join his first neurosurgery tomorrow, but still today was his first day in the unit. Which meant the perfect time to introduce himself and get to know everybody else.

_But instead of showing up he's suddenly doing an emergency c-section as if that's even remotely close to the reason he came here._

Hyungwon could still hear the other man say that he's looking forward to only doing neurosurgery from now on. That was the truth which obviously meant that the emergency c-section was a fucking excuse to avoid the case meeting.

_To avoid you._

He had worked his way through the afternoon round of patient visits and emptied his mind for the spinal cord surgery that had been delayed from the morning. When he was finally back in his civilian clothes, exhausted and ready to go home and fall into bed, he thought back to the anger he felt towards Hoseok Lee's childish behavior.

Why couldn't they handle this like adults? A, simple 'sorry, I was young and dumb' would have been perfectly sufficient. God, Hyungwon didn't even need an apology. Ignoring and pretending that it never happened would also be fine, but the way in which Dr. Lee avoided him wasn't funny.

_Maybe it's because this is his first day and he just recognized you._

Clenching his fingers into a fist a few times, Hyungwon hoped that a day was sufficient to get one's shit together and return to acting like a decent professional.

He unlocked his bike at the back entrance to the clinic building and jumped on the seat, peddling his way home. Nobody was hanging out outside since there was only one hour left before midnight and Hyungwon waved at the two nurses smoking close to the entrance door.

His legs didn't complain even though he was exhausted and once again he felt grateful for his determination to keep up the cardio exercise. The fifteen minutes that it took to finally arrive at his street and the residential building where he had his spacious apartment were perfect to empty his mind and return a feeling of calm. The anger was almost completely gone now and Hyungwon inhaled the sweet air once more before unlocking the front door and entering the elevator. Biking and standing around was enough for today, so he wasn't going to crawl up to the 6th floor as a finish.

Once he entered his empty apartment, he briefly contemplated if he really liked it that way before turning on the lights in every room and throwing himself on the couch in the living room.

He should have probably slept, especially since he had to be at the hospital before dawn again. Instead, he grabbed his laptop from the living room table and turned it on, clicking through his subscriptions until he saw the expected 'live' button next to Elias' YouTube channel. Smiling because he had guessed right, Hyungwon opened the video and observed the muscular man teaching his viewers the most efficient way to train his back muscles, showing off how they flexed with each motion.

'Looking smashing as always,' he commented in the live chat box even though there was no way that the man on the screen was going to see it, especially not while working out. Still it felt a little better, maybe a little less empty as he observed the contracting back muscles and fought against his eyelids falling shut.

Sitting there on the couch with a gorgeous man on his screen, one might have almost concluded that he had company.

_

It was 6 o'clock in the morning when Hyungwon made his way to the OR. The surgery wasn't until 8, but he preferred to be there early when he could and check the case files and make sure everything was the way it's supposed to be. Neurosurgery was no joke and a lot of the diagnostic and treatment decisions he made were life-changing to say the least. He liked to make sure that he agreed with his own judgement, even a few days later.

_You're human and humans make mistakes._

This time the patient was a 12-year-old girl that suddenly began to have speech difficulties and suffered from an epileptic seizure. The MRI had identified a tumor close to the speech center, bulging out a little. Additional functional MRI and DTI showed that the tumor wasn't wired with the brain tissue and seemed functionally independent.

_She's so lucky that it pushed away the brain tissue instead of infiltrating it._

Hyungwon felt rather confident that he could remove most of the tumor while keeping the healthy brain tissue intact and returning the girl to her family with the same speech capacities she had before and without seizures. Additional measures like chemotherapy or radiation therapy would have to be decided based on the analyses of the tumor tissue, but the surgery was going to be the first step towards improvement.

_You love cases like this one._

Smiling to himself, he entered the OR to check on some of the equipment and couldn't help his surprise when he saw a figure in surgery attire but without the face mask, preparing the anesthetics.

_Huh?_

"Isn't it a little early?" he remarked before he realized that the figure had a broad build and an easily recognizable face. "Dr. Lee."

_Don't need the mole at the base of his dick anymore, do you?_

The other man turned and stared at his chin for a few seconds before returning his gaze to the anesthesia machine. The lack of eye contact was what made him the most furious, it was as if Hoseok Lee thought his face wasn’t worth more than a superficial glance. Just like back then.

“You’re early too, Dr. Chae. I’m usually early because I need to set up and check the machines, but what about you?”

"I like to make sure that I was in my right mind when I decided to operate on a particular patient," he responded truthfully and thought back to the case while staring at Dr. Lee's profile. The longer Hyungwon observed him, the more obvious the similarities to his much younger, slimmer teenage self were. The body had changed tremendously, but the round eyes, pointy nose and curved lips were still the same. "I'm expecting a pretty good prognosis with this little girl. Have you met her yet?"

“Mhm. I did. You’re doing awake craniotomy and she is so young, so I wanted to be early to test everything at least two times to make sure that I won’t make a mistake.” The strangely delicate hands that remained the same as back then despite gloves, tested the tubes and valves in the machine as the man replied without sparing him a glance. “Is it different for you to operate on children?”

Hyungwon pursed his lips, unable to help the bitterness he instantly felt because even though years had passed, Hoseok Lee struggled to look at his fucking face. He swallowed and resisted the urge to brush through his hair, simply because he couldn't access it anyway.

"It is, but mostly because the brain is a little smaller. The areas are a little different too, but it feels good to see them recover." Glancing at the chart to distract himself from the desire to call Dr. Lee out on his bullshit, Hyungwon made his way to the screens to take a good look at the 3D models again. "But you're right. The mistakes we make are pretty costly."

“I wanted her to feel comfortable with me, so I went there yesterday and we talked a bit. She is looking forward to the surgery so much, but I guess she is in good hands.” Hoseok took an intubation tube out of one of the drawers and checked the light before testing the vaporizer blocks and standing up. “See you later,” the low voice murmured as Dr. Lee simply turned around and walked towards the door.

_That's… it?_

Hyungwon wasn't quick enough, lips parting to say something, but the resident anesthetist already made his way out of the OR as if he suddenly decided to cut his check up short.

_How the fuck are you not supposed to think that it's about you?_

Holding his breath, he did his best to ignore the jumble of feelings in his chest and focused on work instead. He had an upcoming surgery and there wasn't time to contemplate why a new member of the team was avoiding him like the plague.

_There shouldn't, but still he's making you think about it._

When the rest of the team joined and began to prepare the OR, setting up the instruments and briefing the little girl, Hyungwon finally found himself calming down and reaching the necessary state that he needed for neurosurgery. His hands were his gift as were being calm and listening perfectly, but for that he needed to be focused and fully present in the OR instead of any other place his emotions might have considered relevant.

Even when Dr. Lee joined and got to work, Hyungwon remained focused on the task at hand and talked the girl through the basics of the procedure again. One could tell she was a little scared because her parents weren't with her this time, but Dr. Lee had done a good job talking to her as she seemed calmer after recognizing him.

The first part went smoothly with the girl being fully sedated as he identified the relevant part of her skull and removed the smallest possible piece in order to access the inferior frontal gyrus and the tumor that grew right next to the girl's Brocca's area.

Trying to meet Dr. Lee’s gaze which didn't work the way he wanted it to, he gave up and used speech to ask the anesthetist to wake up the girl for the removal of the tumor.

Lowering the dose as he kept his eyes on the monitor, the other man nodded and gave a sign when the girl's eyes opened. After a few questions and continuous brain mapping, he started removing the tumor, reducing the pressure.

“Seizure,” the low voice suddenly said loud enough for everybody to hear as the alarms on the monitors went off and it got hectic around them. Only the pale hands that quickly administered an anti-epileptic drug and turned up the sedatives seemed as calm as his own as he managed to pull out the main part of the tumor without damaging any brain tissue.

_Any more motion and you would have cut through functional tissue._

His heart was hammering in his chest, but it wasn't visible in his fingers at all, each digit keeping its position like a machine as he waited for the motions in the girl's body to fade sufficiently for him to remove the remaining tumor tissue. He didn't want to make the mistake of risking regrowth by leaving cancerous bits.

He warned the team that he was going to continue and remove more tissue before another attempt to wake up the girl and test her speech functions. The risk of unnecessary damage went up tremendously during the seizure, but Hyungwon felt positive that nothing vital had been damaged.

_But you still need to make sure._

This time, the round black eyes met his and Dr. Lee nodded, slowly changing the anesthesia and monitoring the vitals before settling on his face again, giving him a sign that he could continue. The other man’s low voice sounded and the girl replied, complaining about a headache which was more than understandable. “Dr. Chae will do his best, so that it will be the last time that we have to do this, okay? You’re doing so well; can you hold on a tiny bit longer? Is that possible?” The girl whispered a yes and kept her gaze on the other man’s eyes.

_Her speech is fine, stable even if it is still a little drowsy. That's a great outcome._

Hyungwon was thankful for Dr. Lee's ability to talk to children and checked one last time whether he removed all of the tissue shown on the 3D model and the MRI scan. As a last step, one of the team members asked the little girl to do several linguistic tasks like listing words that begin with the letter 'b' and asked her a few general questions that she was able to reply to. The answers removed some of the tension from his shoulders even if his posture remained rigid.

_Now you can finish up._

After giving brief instructions to the team, Dr. Lee told the girl that she would wake up when it was over and that Dr. Chae was doing a great job. He then wished her a nice dream as he adjusted the anesthesia, sedating the patient so that the craniotomy could be completed.

When it was all over and the girl's skull was safely sealed, he thanked the team. Inhaling deeply, he discarded his gloves before washing and disinfecting his hands at the sink. Now that there was no need to fight the adrenaline in his blood, he was able to appreciate how attentive Dr. Lee had been.

_He reacted immediately. That's why you had enough time to act and pull back in time._

When he smiled to himself and turned around, he was only quick enough to see Dr. Lee discarding his gloves and mask and rushing past him without saying a single word. Nothing.

At first, he couldn't quite determine his feelings, eyes staring after the other man as he made his way out of the OR. It felt off, but not only because Hoseok Lee decided to run away again without honoring him with a single glance. It was the situation, the fact that the two of them had just reacted quick enough to save a girl from possible brain damage and loss of function. It was a big deal, even if it was common in their profession.

_You expected him to share, to let you thank him for reacting quickly, but instead he just ran away again._

Even though the whole team had just collaborated well and demonstrated that they could work together, Dr. Lee preferred to act on a childish dislike for his person that he developed back in high school. A dislike that was still so strong that he couldn't look him in the eyes and ran as soon as he was anywhere close, just like he had back then.

_It doesn't matter what you do, Hyungwon._

Hoseok Lee didn't give a single shit about how he might have changed, about the person he became. To the now muscular and older anesthetist Hyungwon must have been the same boy he had been back then, an empty spot of air that he had allowed too close.

"Fuck," he cursed quietly and pulled the surgical cap off his head before leaving the OR. He had no time for such thoughts, no time for remembering what it felt like to be blatantly ignored and no time to wonder about the reason. He had wondered for long enough back then and now both of them should have moved on and acted like adults, professionals that either pretended it never happened or brushed it off as teenage stupidity.

He hurried to his office instead of the break room, using the small space that he had for himself to unwind and come down from the mixture of hurt and remaining adrenaline. There wasn't much time to relax, but Hyungwon did his best to use it to the fullest as he distracted himself with administrative work, several phone calls and finally patient rounds.

Work was perfect to keep his mind occupied, so he let it and focused on nothing but his patients, the conversations he had with colleagues, case discussions and another emergency that came up. At 9 p.m. he felt ready to go home, but for once decided not to. There were still some administrative things he could take care of in his office and he rarely got to them, so staying was a good alternative. It was another one of those nights when he was on his own and he didn't like where his thoughts were going, not when he let them roam on their own.

_You stopped caring about this, but he's forcing you to care with his childish behavior._

There was a knock that he first considered a hallucination, but it sounded again, very clear and indicating that there was somebody in front of his office waiting to be called in.

_Not a phone call, so not an emergency._

"Come in," he answered and even though he was exhausted, he wouldn't have minded another emergency. At least that would have kept him occupied until sleep could take away his concerns and return him to his balanced and perfectly functional self. However, instead of an emergency, there was a broad figure with brown hair and wearing a lab coat. He didn’t need to look twice because the round eyes were staring right into his as soon as the other man’s face appeared in the doorframe. It was completely soundless, as Hoseok Lee entered his office and closed the door quietly before stepping closer, eyes still focused on his and giving him chills after not being looked at for two days. That man had some strange habits.

“I wanted to apologize. I was wrong,” the low voice sounded in the small room, loud and clear.

_He came to apologize?_

Hyungwon had expected a lot of things, definitely more avoidance and additional emergency c-sections to keep their interactions at a minimum. But he definitely hadn't expected the other man to come to his office at the end of the day in order to apologize.

"Wrong about what?" he asked and stood up from his chair. He disliked talking to people without being at eye-level, so he walked around the desk and sat on the edge of it.

The gaze glanced a bit further down his face before returning to his eyes like he’d been burned. “It was wrong to leave right after the surgery. I wanted to apologize and thank you for your extraordinary reaction and for keeping calm even though it was extremely stressful. You did a great job and I should have said it right after we went out. I apologize for that.” Dr. Lee looked paler and more serious than he remembered him and it was strange seeing the whole repertoire of facial expressions after only interacting wearing masks.

_Is talking to you so difficult for him? But why?_

"I was also thankful for your quick reaction and instant warning. We both know that it could have gone wrong in a lot of ways. I wanted to tell you too, but as you said you left without a word." Hyungwon couldn't resist anymore and brushed through his hair, removing his bangs from his forehead. "The question is why you left so quickly. Were you overwhelmed?"

There was no reply first, only the dark gaze that disappeared from his face and focused on his desk instead before traveling to the small frame on the wall. “It had nothing to do with you but with previous experiences. I’m glad that it went well and that you are somebody who is skilled in handling cases like that. Great job again and I’m sorry for reacting like that.”

_Fucking liar._

Hyungwon would have believed him, had the other man not carried on a normal conversation with the rest of the team and had those eyes not focused on literally anybody with the exception of him before.

_It's about you and just like back then he's not admitting it, not even bothering to tell you what the fuck it is that you did to make him reject you like that._

"Those previous experiences don't seem to affect your performance during surgery." He smiled even though he didn't feel like it and reached for the cup of coffee on his desk, only to realize that it was already empty. "Do you think you will be able to join our next case discussion? I think it's important to formally introduce you to the whole team."

A brief twitch in the other man’s mouth corner caught his attention, before there was a smile that didn’t look anything like the one he got at the gym. “Of course. It’s important and there’s no way around it.” Nodding once, the other man pulled his phone out of the pocket of his coat, glancing at the time. “I am finished for today. See you tomorrow, Dr. Chae,” Hoseok Lee said, not bothering to act as if he was actually busy.

Hyungwon didn't say anything because it wouldn't have mattered. The man in front of him considered their conversation over and did his best to leave his office politely, but as quickly as possible. Nothing he could have said would have changed the expression and the fake smile on Hoseok Lee's face. Hyungwon knew that all too well, simply because there had been a time when he tried.

Again, he wondered why the cold shoulder Dr. Lee was giving him, affected him so much. Time had passed and there was nothing he wanted or needed from the other man apart from his professionalism and superb performance in the OR. They didn't need to be close or to drink coffee in their non-existent breaks. They didn't even need to like each other, not in order for them to do their job decently.

The only thing that Hyungwon was hoping for was at least proper eye contact and authenticity instead of the fake smile he was confronted with. He was the only one that Hoseok Lee treated that way, the only one who was denied decent conversation even though back at the gym, before the other man recognized him, there hadn't been a problem.

_Because the problem is you._

The apology should have made him feel better, maybe even enabled him to go home instead of continuing with administrative work. It should have, but it didn't and Hyungwon hated that it influenced him so much. He didn't want to be affected by the actions and behavior of somebody he hadn't seen or talked to in over fifteen years.

Now if only that person hadn't been his best friend back then.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 2

_Was it late morning? The sun still burned against his black hair as he came into the spacious room. A desk, chair, big blue carpet, double bed on the left and the blanket that flew to the side as soon as he entered, revealing slim long legs, tight black trunks and a flat stomach and chest flexing with every motion and shimmering golden even without the sun helping out. Was he staring even though he shouldn't have, or could the big eyes that were looking at him see more than he thought they could? Those lips spread in a smile so bright that it tingled just from looking, and the burning he felt from the sun seem ridiculous in comparison to how his insides burned when he sat on the edge of the bed, saying something meaningless, something that didn't matter at all and wished, wished so much for that one thing, he repeated it inside of his head a thousand times until those arms finally wrapped around his neck and he felt goosebumps appear on his skin in anticipation of the hot mouth travelling close his ear and low voice whispering softly, as a joke, a tease, a meaningless greeting._

_'Did you miss me?'_

_Yes._

No.

He sat up in bed like burned, hands curled into fists and breathing heavily. The dreams he had, they wouldn’t have been considered bad or a nightmare by other people, but for him it was different.

_Because they're real. They’re memories._

Wiping the few drops of sweat from his forehead, he wondered whether they should turn up the AC in the bedroom to prevent those dreams, but a glance at Yura’s thick blanket and complete lack of sweat suggested that it was indeed just him and his demons. The feeling of dread in his stomach made him want to wake up Yura, just to selfishly bask in some distraction and a voice that didn't resemble the one in his dream.

_What are you even thinking?_

The clock showed four in the morning and he climbed out of bed carefully to let his wife sleep some more. Maybe the disturbance was a result of accommodating to his new surroundings, hospital, team and the fact that a person he was running away from ended up being his colleague.

_You know that it's childish, Hoseok. You know it. So much time had passed. He probably forgot about everything. It's just you who still dreams and isn't able to look at his face._

He hated himself for this unprofessional behavior. Remembering how he ran away after a surgery with complications, without thanking the specialist for the amazing job made him shake as he buttoned up his shirt over his chest and gritted his teeth.

_You need to get this under control. You can't continue doing emergency c-sections if you're actually the attending anesthetist in neurology. You waited for this job opportunity. What are you even doing?_

Why wasn't it possible to keep their interactions professional only? Hyungwon… no, Dr. Chae seemed competent and not someone to hold grudges, so why did he want to run away so badly? People dreamed all kinds of weird things, right? And back then…

_And back then…_

"Coffee," he murmured to himself as he ran down the stairs to the kitchen, occupying himself with the process of making coffee instead of thinking about his actions and decisions from fifteen years ago. It had been such a long time, why couldn't he act as if it never happened, just like Dr. Chae did?

_You should._

At that moment his eyes widened and he stared at the brown crema in his cup, realizing a teeny tiny possibility that he hadn't considered before.

_Maybe he doesn't know who you are? What if he didn't recognize you? You look so different now!_

The coffee tasted amazing suddenly and if it was just him recognizing his best friend from high school, then he only needed to adjust his professional behavior. If somebody had told him that Hyungwon would turn into a Dr. Chae, a neurosurgeon so good that he kept wanting to watch more of his surgeries even though at the same time he didn't want to be anywhere close, Hoseok would have laughed in their face.

_He liked other things more, didn't he?_

Licking the coffee from his lips, he froze a little from lack of sleep and decided to take a nap at work after the pre-anesthesia talks and drove to the hospital.

The change room was surprisingly warm and he hummed a melody as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt to change into his OR clothes, opening his locker and writing Yura a message to wish her a good day.

Somebody entered behind him, and he took out his scrub top before turning around and smiling brightly. "Good morning," he said as his eyes fell on the tall, black-haired man who was wearing an elegant white shirt with a pair of dark blue jeans and looked at him in a mixture of surprise and careful anticipation. One might have thought that Dr. Chae expected him to do something, seconds passing by without a reply.

_Just don't run away again._

"Good morning," the tall man remarked eventually and smiled briefly before making his way to his own locker. "You're rather early again, Dr. Lee. I hope there are no emergencies today and I will be able to formally introduce you to the team."

"Mhm. One can never know, but I will try to be on time," he murmured, quickly changing into his scrubs. It was strange how the one little detail about the person next to him changed the way he acted and felt around that said person. "You're early too. Did you stay long yesterday?" Hoseok tried to be friendly, but without allowing for a longer conversation as he slipped into his pants and threw his lab coat over his shoulders.

"Relatively, administrative stuff also needs to be taken care of." Dr. Chae sounded a little surprised as he replied but recovered quickly as he turned towards him and observed his face. "I guess I will see you during surgery then?"

"Yes. Let's hope it will go smoothly this time," he replied and let a brief smile follow before he couldn't take it anymore and left the change room, walking towards the OR with quick steps and only when he knew that Dr. Chae wasn't anywhere close, he exhaled, wondering why the empty conversation felt even worse than just running away.

_But at least you're able to keep your professional attitude. You can't be doing this shit as a 35-year-old professional._

Hoseok looked around and belatedly realized that he went to the OR even though he had wanted to look into patient files to start his preoperative consultation fully prepared. Sighing at himself and walking towards the patient ward, he hoped that he would get back to being his professional calm but friendly self as soon as possible.

_

_He likes to give signs without talking, why?_

Hoseok usually had no particular problem with surgeons nodding or looking at him when they wanted to wordlessly communicate, but somehow Dr. Chae _really_ liked looking at him when he needed something.

Maybe it was because they had to continuously wear a mask, however, Hoseok liked it more if he heard the hints or got an instruction.

_But you seem to understand well what he wants from you, maybe that's why he's doing it._

Maybe Dr. Chae was simply effective, less talking, less energy used, like with running. His technique was still superb.

_How did he grow up from having a PhD in doing absolutely nothing and flirting with every person that was remotely attractive to a neurosurgeon who works ninety hours a week?_

It didn't matter, did it? So, Hoseok concentrated on the patient and the big brown eyes that travelled to meet his gaze way more often than he felt he could take until Dr. Chae finally moved away from the patient and gave the instruction to finish up.

_You definitely need a nap after this._

He took extra-long to fade out the anesthesia and helped the team clean up the machines, stretching the time until he got a weird look from Gianna, the anesthesia assistant and was questioned whether he wanted something.

_Now she probably thinks you're coming onto her, oh god._

Walking out of the OR, he stopped at the sink and got rid of his mask, cap and gloves before washing his hands and looking at his pale face in the mirror. He definitely needed a nap, but he survived for two hours next to that person, so maybe it wasn't as bad.

_Still, you need to be in good shape for the spinal cord surgery in the evening._

Slapping his cheeks once to give them some color, Hoseok went to the on-call room and seeing someone's feet on the top bunk, concluded that the bottom one would have to suffice. He liked the top one more, but oh well.

He took off his coat and lay down. Both hands were placed under his head, phone right next to his ear and he stared at the metal frame above him for a few minutes. After some time, his brain thankfully turned off and everything around him faded out as his muscles relaxed.

_A party, many people, the smell of alcohol and something else, loud music and his gaze that travelled over the crowd until he found what he was searching for. Pink hair, black silk shirt and a bright smile that… was not for him. He wondered why he was even there, why did he come? Didn't the pink-haired boy say that he was waiting for him? Then why wasn't he with him but with somebody else? The air compressed in his lungs and he went to the bar, one drink followed the other and he felt so tipsy and lonely because there was only one reason that he was there, but that reason was smiling at somebody else, making somebody else feel the way he was supposed to feel. "You're here! Is everything okay?" he heard the low voice ask next to him. "No," he heard himself say as he turned around and pushed through the crowd because nothing was okay._

_Again._

He inhaled sharply as soon as consciousness returned to him, unwilling to open his eyes. He couldn't believe that all those stupid memories rained down on him as soon as he closed his eyes. How was he supposed to sleep?

"Is everything okay?" he heard like an echo from his dream, voice a little rougher than it had been but the nuances were all there. The words were spoken from somewhere above him, followed by additional weight on the mattress he was lying on.

_What the fuck?_

Maybe he finally went insane. Opening both eyes, he focused on the big brown ones right in front of his face. Blinking once, he looked down, gaze stopping on thick, parted lips and a round mole on the bottom one.

"No," he muttered and closed his eyes again, hoping that whatever he saw would dissolve into thin air.

"You were sweating, might be a fever," the low voice continued, remaining close to him instead of disappearing somewhere as it should have. "Sleep deprivation ruins your immune system, so it's not surprising. Do you have a headache, feeling cold? You're definitely flushed and I can measure your pulse by merely looking at your veins."

His eyes opened again and he stared at the small face and the black strands that were messily covering the other man's forehead.

_Oh god._

"Hyungwon?" he whispered, not quite understanding the situation until he saw the brown eyes widen and his eyes slipped lower past the cursed mole on the plump bottom lip and towards the white coat.

_It's the hospital, Hoseok. You're at work. Fuck. It's Dr. Chae._

"Fuck."

"Let me- get you a glass of water," the other man muttered suddenly and stood up, releasing the mattress from his weight as he walked the few steps to the water dispenser. It didn't take long for big hands to wrap around a paper cup and fill it to the brim with ice cold water before it was brought in front of him. "Do you think you have a fever? You still have about an hour to recover if necessary. It's fine if you join the meeting later and I'll introduce you at the end. If it's bad you should obviously go home, but you know that."

"I don't have a fever. I'm not ill, I just-" He inhaled, feeling like an idiot and rubbed his eyes, sitting up on the bed and almost hitting his head. "I just had a bad dream. Thank you." Hoseok took the cup and emptied it, wondering how the fuck he was supposed to escape this situation. Why was Dr. Chae even next to him? "Did I disturb your nap?" he asked because it was the only understandable explanation.

"Don't worry about that, I was getting up anyway, but there were sweat drops on your forehead and I got concerned." A smile suddenly appeared on the other man's plump lips as he tried to fix his messy black hair by raking through it with his long fingers. "But maybe I should keep in mind that your perspiration system works much better than mine."

"That-" he opened his mouth and chuckled, thankful that Dr. Chae didn't comment on him calling him by his first name for no reason and also not on being completely out of it and cursing. "That's true. But I'd switch my perspiration glands with your superb technique. Are you going to the gym today?"

_Why would you ask him if that's the day when you're going? Are you okay?_

"I don't know yet, it'll depend on whether I'm called in for an emergency. It happens rather often unfortunately." The smile was still in place, looking genuine, when Dr. Chae refilled his cup with more water and handed it back to him. "I guess for every technique there's a good teacher that helped you acquire it. Maybe I'll tell you about mine someday."

"Please do. Being on call is no joke and I understand you have to do it more than others due to your specialization, but to be honest, currently the calls are nothing compared to what I did before. No helicopters and stuff. It's so calm." He drank the water, thankful that Dr. Chae brought it even though he was perfectly able to stand up and do it himself. "Anyway, I'm sorry for worrying you."

"I guess one may call neurosurgery calm compared to that, even if it's in no way lacking excitement." The tall man buttoned up his lab coat and glanced into a small mirror close to the door, fixing his hair until he decided that it was good enough. Turning around one last time before leaving the break room, Dr. Chae smiled. "Take care of yourself, Hoseok."

He smiled but it faded as soon as he registered the words.

_He called you Hoseok._

Well, it wasn't that his name was some kind of secret, one could read it up, embroidered on his coat, but that wasn't it.

_He pronounces it the same way as back then._

Did the other man recognize him? Now, after he lost it for a second and spoke his mind?

_But he didn't say anything about back then._

Hoseok breathed to calm his heartbeat and wondered whether his nap was worth it and where his satisfaction in life, his calmness and his professionality were when Dr. Chae was around.

_

_He said he’s on call._

Hoseok repeated the sentence a few times before entering the gym and calming himself with the thought that actually everything was the way it was supposed to be. He had a tiring day, glitching briefly in the on-call room, but apart from that it was good and he even stayed through the case discussions where Dr. Chae was talking and looking at him a lot.

_And you didn’t run away even though you really wanted to but being an adult limits you to certain possible actions and running away in the middle of a meeting isn’t it._

He had thought about telling Yura about meeting an ‘old friend’, but she would have asked more, so he didn’t and replied to the question how his day was with ‘good’. It wasn’t a lie, but he also hoped that the time at the gym would give him some more balance.

_You need to look good to feel good too._

When he didn’t see anybody familiar, he relaxed and completely focused on the weight exercises, doing lats and biceps, abdominal and thighs until they looked as amazing as he wanted them to and he could see every vein, examining the outcome in the mirror and feeling satisfied. He decided to do a last round of pull ups at the bar and closed his eyes, grabbing the metal and exhaling roughly with every repetition, until it was unbearable and he jumped down, sweating and panting.

_And now fifteen minutes running and then the sauna._

Smiling at himself in the mirror and at how fucking awesome he looked in the tight white Nike shirt and short shorts, Hoseok grabbed his towel and walked to the treadmills.

Instead of seeing four unoccupied ones as he had expected, the one in the middle was in use. His eyes passed over a pair of sneakers, long naked legs that concluded with a pair of plain black shorts and finally a slim waist and broad shoulders covered by a tight sweatshirt. The tall man was running steadily without sweating and wore the same headband that Hoseok remembered from the last time.

_Great._

But maybe one didn’t have to talk. He didn’t talk to other people at the gym and just listened to music and exercised, minding his own business. To be honest, he actually came to think about nothing, so that’s what he was going to do while looking amazing. Placing his towel on the handle, he fixed his ear buds, so they wouldn’t fall out when he ran and chose the high intensity program, starting with a brief warm up of two minutes of light jogging.

There was only a minute or two of peace until he felt eyes on him, obviously staring at his face as he jogged and making it difficult to focus. A muffled voice was next, barely penetrating through the music in his ears, but he still knew that Dr. Chae must have asked him something.

Inhaling, he reached for his ear and pulled one ear bud out, placing it into the bottle holder. “Huh?” he said, glancing to the side briefly before focusing on the monitor again.

"I asked whether you came to learn about my secret to good technique," the other man repeated and Hoseok could hear the smile in his voice even though he did his best to keep his eyes on the monitor. "But I guess you were trying to block out your surroundings. We can talk when you're done. High intensity and talking don't go hand in hand."

_You can’t learn anything when your heart is about to dissolve and go up your arteries._

“I will only do high intensity running today because it was lifting day. Give me fifteen minutes, then we can talk if you like.” Hoseok turned again and tried his best to smile before putting his ear bud back and going so fast that he wasn’t able to think about anything apart from trying to survive the speed, breathing and preferably not fall on his face. He didn’t even notice the time passing apart from sweating like a pig when the cool down started and he immediately grabbed his towel and wiped his face and neck, turning to see whether Dr. Chae was anywhere around.

_It feels safer if you think of him as Dr. Chae._

The tall man must have finished his program a little earlier as his treadmill was already turned off and he drank from a dark blue bottle while leaning against the side of the machine. Hoseok's eyes fell on the way Dr. Chae's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed before he tore them away and hid the fact by wiping over his face one more time.

"You good?"

“Mhm. You?” He drank all of his water at once before walking to the disinfectant and wiping over the handles and monitor. “I’m not sure if I feel like dying or like flying, it’s something in between.”

"The blissful state of no thoughts and total exhaustion. You seem to like it. I prefer to empty my mind by doing automatic motions without reaching a state of throbbing pain in my body," Dr. Chae commented and observed him with a smile before pushing himself off the side of the machine and taking his towel along. "You're planning on sweating some more, right? I might actually follow your diving advice today if I manage to fight my childish fears."

_Childish fears?_

Hoseok nodded, ignoring the fact that the other man had just suggested going to the sauna together, focusing on the part with the fears. "What do you mean by childish fears?" he asked and grabbed his towel, walking towards the changing room and glancing at the person next to him once in a while.

"Ah, I'm scared of diving, of having water surrounding my head and filling up my ears," Dr. Chae elaborated and adjusted the fit of his headband before ruffling up his hair. The way those big eyes looked at him right after seemed different, like Hoseok was missing an important detail, but the expression was quickly replaced by another smile as the tall man made his way to his locker and took off his workout attire. "It's a pretty specific fear, but I almost drowned as a kid and it makes me anxious."

Suddenly he remembered how back in the day, he always jumped into the pool but Hyungwon never did, always being careful about entering the water.

"That must've been pretty traumatic. You don't have to dive, but I don't need to tell you that." Hoseok checked his phone to see a brief message from Yura but decided to reply later as it wasn't anything urgent before taking off his shirt and feeling weird because the other man's locker was right next to his.

_Well, that's kind of awkward._

"I know that I don't have to, but I like to challenge myself. I also never thought I'd end up running three times a week instead of getting enough sleep when my favorite occupation was napping back in high school." Shrugging, the man next to him took off his shorts and shirt and wrapped them in the dirty towel, seeming much less awkward than Hoseok felt. As soon as a towel was clasped around slim hips, the locker next to him closed and brown eyes caught his attention along with a smile on his companion's plump lips. "The blood circulation in your brain must be much better than mine with all that jumping into ice water after a sauna. Maybe I should learn and take care of my own carotid arteries in addition to freeing up other people's."

"I think you're doing a good job with the cardio and sometimes I'm not sure about the blood circulation in my brain," he murmured, expertly avoiding eye contact as he wrapped the towel around his hips and walked to the showers to prepare for the sauna. After they were both clean and ready to go, Hoseok kind of hoped that they wouldn't be alone in the hot cabin but was bitterly disappointed. "It's a lovely time to go to the gym because nobody is here," he commented as he left his slippers in front of the door and stepped inside.

"That's probably true," Dr. Chae remarked as he followed him inside before climbing up to one of the top benches and sitting down on his towel. "But the people that do come late at night tend to be pretty interesting company. I've had some fascinating conversations in the sauna or during a run before and not all of it was about increasing stamina or exhausting your body."

_Well, what do you think he means by that?_

He decided not to question that and sat on the bench after spreading his towel. A few moments passed without a word as Hoseok leaned back, careful about his posture, until the other man suddenly sighed.

"When you talk about your brain circulation glitching, do you mean those moments when you suddenly decide to run in an arbitrary direction after seeing my face?"

_Why… would he say that now?_

He stared, unable to say a single word as his brain tried to persuade him that running away was the best possible solution, but it was bullshit and Hoseok knew it. He had to go into surgery with the person across from him tomorrow and nothing would change that, so he couldn't just run. Not now, and especially not naked.

"I'm sorry about that. You must've been weirded out by that," he murmured and looked to the side at the hourglass that was just turned and therefore didn't show any logical way of escape.

"Well, let's say I felt curious about whether this is the infamous 'avoiding triggers' you were talking about." He wasn't looking, but he could still see the other man shifting his legs and spreading them a little across from him.

_Definitely that._

His brain was working furiously but it was hot and he wasn't sure whether he assessed the situation clearly. If the man across from him talked about avoiding triggers, then did that mean that he knew who he was?

_But if he knows who you are, why does he talk to you then? Shouldn't he… hate your guts or not care?_

"You- think that I consider your face triggering? I don't think I would go as far as to say that. I mean, it's just a face." He spread his legs a bit because it felt strange to sit in that uncomfortable position longer than ten seconds and he wasn't ready to sacrifice his comfort for possible lack of awkwardness.

"You- wow." The man across from him chuckled and brushed his hair back, removing it from his forehead and revealing that a few drops had been glistening on it, even if Hoseok couldn't really see them. "I mean- sure it's just a face, my face, so why can't you look at it, Hoseok?"

The conversation took a turn that he hadn't expected and his gut feeling told him that the person across from him knew exactly who he was.

_But back at the gym he said that he wanted to get rid of memories. Isn't it the same for you?_

"You said you wanted to get rid of memories and I said to avoid triggers. I think I understand the wish to remove some of the memories, but unfortunately it doesn't work all that well." Hoseok glanced at the hourglass again, watching the sand slowly fill the bottom half.

"Isn't it better to accept the memories than constantly run away from them? They could hit you out of nowhere, but if you accept them, they can be dealt with like an adult, calmly and without impairing the way you function." The other man's voice sounded different as he spoke, but it might have been the changed perception due to the heat as it warmed up their bodies and caused drops to develop all over Hoseok's chest and thighs. "At least that's what I think. I don't dive because I'm scared, but at the same time I'm missing out, aren't I?"

"That depends very much on what you're missing out on, Hyungwon. What if you're scared of diving, but forcing yourself through the experience gives you nothing but fear and regret? How do you know that it won't impair the way you function? And why… Why does it even matter? You don't want to dive? Then don't."

"I disagree," the low voice muttered and the other man shifted audibly, but Hoseok kept his eyes focused on the hourglass. "Because maybe diving could be the opposite, exhilarating and something that enriches my life, but because I'm too scared to try it out, I might never know."

_But he doesn't get why you are like this. He won't understand._

God, Hoseok didn't even fully know why he was like this, why he kept the memories away and got so shaken by meeting the person from fifteen years ago, unable to look at the still handsome face.

_He had always been handsome and popular._

Focusing on a few drops that travelled down his shoulders, chest and stomach, he sighed and carefully let his gaze explore further than his own body, along the bench and the start of the white towel, continuing with the long legs, slim hips and chest, broad shoulders, round chin and parted lips. For fuck's sake.

"I guess your lack of knowledge is the difference," he murmured, because he knew, he knew how that felt. How diving felt and how the things he was scared of felt.

"You said that it's just a face," Hyungwon whispered suddenly, voice breathy due to the heat and tugging at Hoseok's memories. "Then why can't you fucking look at it, Hoseok?"

_Why can't you look at it?_

Biting his lips, he lifted his gaze and focused on the big brown eyes, frozen in place and unable to look away. He wanted to say that he didn't look at it because he didn't want to and he wanted to say it while looking into Hyungwon's eyes, but he couldn't. The only thing he was able to do was to stare through the heat, unable to rip his gaze from the familiar but at the same time unfamiliar face.

_Just say something. Anything._

"Better?" he whispered.

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, staring back as the bottom lip that Hoseok tried so hard not to look at disappeared in the other man's mouth. He remembered the gesture, even if he didn't know whether it still had the same meaning as back then.

"No," the other man replied eventually and Hoseok couldn't bear the expression in the brown eyes. "Because you still look like it pains you."

_You look in pain? But that's not it. It's not-_

"That’s not true. But maybe I should continue looking somewhere else if me looking at your face doesn't make it better either." He looked at the hourglass that indicated almost fifteen minutes had past and chewed on his lips. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry."

"You're not making me uncomfortable, Hoseok." Hyungwon sighed and as soon as the last grains of sand entered the bottom half of the hour glass, the tall man stood up and wrapped his towel around his hips. "You're giving me the choice of either being treated like air or looked at like the source of your misery. I just happen to dislike both options."

The door opened and instead of leaving on his own, Hyungwon waited for him to follow.

"Will you help me face my fears at least, even if you prefer to keep yours?"

"You are not the source of my misery," he whispered because the other man's words felt like biting snakes. That wasn't what he had expected when he went into the sauna room and he couldn't let Hyungwon think that he was right, only because the explanation fit. "I have two completely different images in my head and they don't match, so how can you be my misery if I know nothing about you?" He sighed and took his towel, walking past Hyungwon, hanging it on the hook and diving into the cold pool, letting the water surround him.

The water moved around him, but slowly as Hyungwon walked down the stairs while holding onto the metal railing. When there was not enough oxygen, he broke the surface and inhaled deeply, staring at the person across from him.

_He's afraid of going under but he wants to. And you… you know all too well how what you're afraid of feels, that's why you're keeping yourself away._

"Do you want to do it together?" he asked quietly, body tingling from the cold water.

He received a nod in return as Hyungwon's fingers tightened around the railing. The other man's face and chest were still flushed from the heat and only the tension in the broad shoulders and lack of a smile revealed that the person in front of him was scared.

First, he was unsure what to do, but still stretched out his hand, giving Hyungwon the opportunity to take it if he wanted to. "I'll pull you out after three seconds. Does that sound good?"

Hyungwon nodded once more and let go of the railing to reach for his hand instead, long fingers wrapping around his palm. It felt strange.

"You said that the images in your head don't match," the other man murmured suddenly, brown eyes observing him intently and holding his gaze. "Then why are you treating them the same way?"

_He didn't forget, but he doesn't understand it. You're not treating him the same. You're not feeling the same, so much time has passed. It's just a memory. A bunch of memories._

"I'm not," he replied, swallowing and pulling Hyungwon further down the stairs until the water covered his stomach and went up to his chest. "You don't understand, but you don't need to."

_Why does he still manage to make you talk? He always did until you didn't let him anymore._

"Let's do it. I'll count to three, we will both go under the water and after three seconds I'll pull you out," he commented and rearranged his fingers in the big hand.

Hyungwon didn't reply and merely nodded again, inhaling slowly and holding the air in his lungs. The grip on his palm tightened, becoming almost painful with the strength that the other man had in his fingers.

_They're precious._

Smiling at that thought because he apparently held something precious in his own hand, something that could save lives, Hoseok counted to three and went underwater, pulling Hyungwon with him and counting to three before returning to the surface and making sure to take the black-haired man with him.

_If somebody sees two grown ass men holding hands in the cold pool naked… What the hell are you two doing?_

His thoughts were interrupted by several desperate gasps for air, a muffled curse and the sudden sensation of cold arms around his neck, pulling him flush against the other man's slim body. Hoseok didn't have any time to react as Hyungwon hugged him with more strength than was necessary and buried his face in his shoulder, repeating curses like a mantra to calm down.

He wasn't sure if he had thoughts at all, but it wasn't as if he was clouded or dizzy, he was completely and absolutely aware of everything that was happening with him, how tightly Hyungwon hugged him, how the warm lips muttering curses felt against his shoulder, how calming the low voice was and how he, one hundred percent aware of his surroundings, wrapped one arm around Hyungwon's broad shoulders and murmured the words that they had said to each other so many times.

'It's okay, I'm here.'

***

_Maybe he had finally grown up._

Hyungwon's mood had taken an unexpected turn towards the positive with a brief, but decent conversation and an implicit invitation to work out together. Of course, it wasn't an apology and a complete turnaround in behavior, as Hoseok still looked like he was suffering whenever their eyes met, but it was better than the anesthetist running away as soon as his eyes moved any further than Hyungwon's chin.

_One might really think there is something grotesque about you._

He had felt good about Dr. Lee's presence at the meeting and when he introduced him, the rest of the team probably assumed that they got along, which was great. Teamwork was crucial and Hyungwon really didn't want any rumors about the new anesthetist avoiding him like the plague to spread. Humans were creative when they came up with reasons for things and he really didn't want to know what they could be saying this time.

_Because you have a guess about why he avoided you. You just don't know why he is still doing it. Was it… that terrible?_

Hyungwon's memories weren't fresh, but the details were still there, simply because the experience was meaningful to him. Nothing about Hoseok's behavior had prepared him for the avoidance that followed.

_But maybe he finally got over it?_

The spinal cord surgery went well with Dr. Lee understanding all of his subtle signs without much effort or several weeks of learning. It was a first and when he had the opportunity to go to the gym after all, one might have even called his state cheerful.

_You were hoping for a decent conversation, weren't you?_

After Dr. Lee had woken up from his nap and called him Hyungwon, it seemed easier to think of him as Hoseok again. There were still considerable differences between the Hoseok from back then and the muscular man running on a treadmill next to him, but still Hyungwon could tell that the essence was still there, somewhere.

_Even if the essence is the inability to look at you._

When Hoseok tried his best to avoid eye contact while running, Hyungwon decided to at least accept the efforts of communication. It was clear that the discomfort was still there, he could see it in every single attempt to look at the screen instead of his face and each time that Hoseok wiped the sweat from his forehead to have an excuse to avoid his eyes.

_Was it traumatic for him, just like the way you are terrified of diving?_

The thought hurt even though it had been years, simply because it meant that he was indeed a 'trigger', somebody so terrible that Hoseok wasn't capable of functioning properly while next to him.

_So terrible that even fifteen years weren't enough to forget about it._

At first, he hadn't planned on addressing it, deciding that maybe it was easier for Hoseok to deal with his demons on his own and learn to find a way to stay professional without running from him like from a curse.

_But the empty conversation is unbearable, especially since it feels like he isn't even there._

Maybe that was why he asked, confronting Hoseok about his inability to look at him and revealing that he hated the way it felt. Hyungwon considered it cowardly to run away all the time, to let himself be impaired by something that could be understood and overcome.

If whatever happened between them had such a negative impact on Hoseok's ability to function, then maybe it was even more crucial to talk about it and get it out of the way.

_But how can you when he looks at you as if it physically hurts him?_

Hyungwon hated every second of it. He hated that Hoseok looked hurt even though he had no fucking right to be and he hated that he still let himself be affected by all this. Had they not met at the gym, he could have dealt with a lack of eye contact and continued working professionally, but like this there was no reason to be professional. They were two colleagues at the gym and were supposed to talk about whatever they felt like, without Hoseok struggling to look at him and considering it unnecessary to fight his fears.

_Maybe you have to show him, take the first step to deal with something that terrifies you._

Hoseok was so good at saying hurtful things that shouldn't have impacted him this much, telling him that he was just a face, that he didn't know him and that he shouldn't have had the ability to make the other man miserable.

_But that's true, isn't it? You're somebody else now, but still he treats you the same way._

His hands weren't shaking when he made his way down the few steps into the ice-cold pool, but Hyungwon still felt the tension in his body. He hadn't been joking about his childish fears. It didn't matter how many years had passed, he never dared diving under, especially when he was on his own. The last time he tried, he ended up scratching over Elias' shoulders and arms to the point that the other man hadn't been able to film a video without getting some awkward comments.

_Maybe he's afraid of you, afraid that you'll force him to live through it again?_

His lips pressed together at the thought, strengthening his fear while returning the same throbbing hurt that he felt each time Hoseok avoided him without an explanation.

Only the pale hand that was suddenly stretched out towards him pulled him out of his thoughts, reminding him of a similar situation back then when Hoseok had helped him to climb out of a swimming pool they entered at night.

_He doesn't dare to look at you, but grasping your hand is fine? But why?_

Hyungwon reached out and felt sorry for the strength he applied as his fingers wrapped around Hoseok's palm and the other man prepared to go under after pulling him deeper into the water. It was icy and he felt thankful that his thoughts were disturbed by his body's attempts to regulate his temperature.

His heart was beating furiously in his chest and he inhaled deeply, holding the oxygen in his lungs like a treasure as Hoseok began counting. There was so little time between the three numbers, each following the next even before Hyungwon could find a way to change his mind, to decide that it was a bad idea after all because he felt panic moving up his throat.

His fingers dug into the back of Hoseok's palm, but it was already too late. A tug at his hand pulled him under the surface and cold water surrounded his face and ears, causing the sounds of the pool area to fade into nothing and only leaving the dull hammering of his heart. It was cold, so cold that a slight pain spread along his temples and he exhaled too much oxygen, letting go of it without thinking it through.

_You're going to die, aren't you?_

Just when the thought formed in his mind, he felt the hand he was holding pull him up, breaching the surface and allowing air to enter his lungs as he inhaled sharply. Water was pearling off his lips and wet hair and his body was shaking, sounds still dull because of the water blocking his ears.

"Fuck," he cursed quietly and reached out, fingers travelling over the warm skin they were holding onto until he identified a broad neck and simply wrapped his arms around it. His mind was blank, leaving only curses and the hope that he wasn't going to end up below the water surface again. He kept mumbling and held on tightly, nails scratching over soft skin without meaning to as he tried to get closer and feel less of the cold water.

His face was pressed against a warm shoulder and Hyungwon kept his eyes closed as he tried to calm down and to stop shaking uncontrollably. He felt the cold around his shoulders make space for warm skin, heating him up and softly distracting him from the ice-cold water. "It's okay," the low voice said right next to his ear. "I'm here."

His eyes opened and focused on delicate collarbones, covered in small drops of water and so familiar even though the broad body wasn't. His mind kept repeating the words like an echo, as if the other man was still whispering them into his ear.

Hyungwon had heard them before, felt them brush over the shell of his ear when he was scared and held onto his best friend's neck. The deja vu caused a mixture of complicated feelings. A feeling of safety that came from familiarity, a feeling of yearning because the warmth helped him so much, told him that it had been okay before too. At the same time, he realized that time had passed, that this wasn't his teenage self embracing his best friend while being scared, because his best friend had decided that looking at him was unbearable and they therefore had to part ways.

"You're freezing, Hyungwon. Let's- let's get out, okay? You can hold on," the same low voice said quietly as he felt the water move around them and he was taken along by the grip around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, I'll be functional in a bit," he muttered in reply, but held on, hoping that getting out of the water was going to calm him down. The way his heart beat furiously could have had a number of reasons, the rush of blood to maintain his body temperature, the sudden memory of Hoseok comforting him, the realization that whatever had happened was still there, influencing the way the other man treated him.

_But he called you Hyungwon again. Still with the same hesitation, as if he's scared that you might not bother listening._

His legs were shaking but the arm around his shoulders slipped to his waist and Hoseok guided him out of the water, stabilizing him when they walked to the towels and the other man wrapped his around his shoulders. "There's no need to apologize. It must've been terrifying, I'm sorry," Hoseok whispered and stayed close, as if he still remembered the way he acted when he was scared. As if all those memories were still right there.

_But why does he run if they are still there?_

Hyungwon chewed on his bottom lip and took a few deep breaths, realizing that it was easier now that they were out of the water.

"I panicked right before we dunked and didn't expect it to be that cold, so I exhaled too much air and thought I was suffocating." His body remembered how to keep itself warm as the cold faded to the back, but he still felt reluctant to completely let go of the other man. He liked the way it felt, so he loosened his grip while keeping his arms around the broad neck. Both of them were still naked and Hyungwon didn't mind but he wondered why Hoseok wasn't pushing him away yet. After all, that must have been the reason the other man was so afraid of him.

_Because you got too close._

There were a few marks that his nails had left when he panicked, littering the pale skin with pink and Hyungwon brushed over them carefully. "Thank you for pulling me out, Hoseok."

The other man shook his head, letting some drops fall from his soaked hair. "You didn't think that I would leave you panicking in the cold water, or did you?" Taking half a step back and increasing distance, Hoseok reached for his own towel and wrapped it around his hips. When Hoseok turned back to look at him, he saw the prominent blush on the pale face.

_Is it because of blood circulation or something else?_

"To be honest with you, I didn't think anything because I wasn't able to," he replied carefully while contemplating if he should tell Hoseok about his real reasoning. Technically, there was nothing in the other man's behavior that included being close to him for longer than absolutely necessary. Stepping a little closer, he observed the familiar expression, the slightly widened eyes and the healthy color on the handsome face. "Do I make you nervous, Hoseok?"

The way the other man stumbled back and gasped was surprising, especially the way his lips parted but no sounds came out. "That- why would you make me nervous? It's just… late and they will probably close soon and you were scared, so that's why I…" Hoseok swallowed, but didn't say anything more.

_You were right, he's awkward when he has to be close to you. Still._

"It's fine, thank you," he replied and finally removed the towel from his shoulders to wrap it around his hips. There was no reason to be disappointed, because Hyungwon knew that from before too. Hoseok had been a decent human being because of his fear, but it didn't mean that he could bear being anywhere within 2 meters of him, especially not naked. "I just got curious because you're still not looking at my face, so I'm wondering if my body is easier to look at."

"You… What…?" Hoseok suddenly lifted his gaze and stared at him, blush increasing. "Listen- I'm… I'm sorry for having trouble looking at you, but I'll try to not make you uncomfortable about it anymore. There's absolutely nothing bad about your face and no reason to avoid it, I'm just surprised and have to get used to it." The words were spoken so quickly that Hyungwon doubted that it was the truth.

_If there was no reason to avoid it, he wouldn't fucking avoid it._

"Sure," he commented simply and removed his towel again to dry his hair, considering that more important than hiding his groin from view. "What exactly are you surprised about though? That my hair isn't pink anymore? That I got taller? That I didn't make a teasing comment about the fact that you still have a big dick? What is it?"

The black eyes widened comically and Hoseok froze in place. He continued drying his hair as the other man took two steps, moving backwards and turned around, simply walking towards the showers without giving him a reply.

_Did he just- run?_

Hyungwon stared after the broad back as it quickly retreated, leaving him standing next to the towels like a spot of empty air all over again.

_You triggered him again, huh?_

At first, he felt angry and in disbelief that after obviously lying to him, Hoseok preferred to run away instead of actually giving him a decent answer for once. Hyungwon was angry because the other man still treated him this way, even though so much time had passed. But at the same time, it burned a little, more so than the lack of oxygen in his lungs when he felt like drowning.

A hint of disappointment spread throughout his chest, disappointment that even after so many years, Hyungwon still wasn't able to find out what it was that he did so terribly wrong to ruin a friendship.

_Fuck going home, you need company._

_

When Hyungwon opened his eyes and saw the frog-shaped clock on the bedside table, he chuckled and turned to curl his arms tighter around the man in his arms. The sight always reminded him that he wasn't home and therefore probably didn't have to work anytime soon. A pleasant thought when the bed was too warm to leave and the embrace too comfortable to let go.

_You have too little time, but so does he._

It was seven o'clock in the morning, but when one was used to getting up around five or earlier, the body didn't care whether one could sleep in or not. Sighing, he buried his face in the transition between Elias' broad neck and his muscular shoulders while inhaling the scent of oil the other man used to keep his skin looking good. It was important when one had to present one's muscular body to millions of people who envied it and hoped to achieve a similar one.

Hyungwon didn't care and bit down on the prominent collarbone before lifting his head and grinning at Elias' tired face. The other man's blonde hair was tousled, his cheeks looked puffy and the small cracks on his lips suggested that he should have applied oil to them as well.

"You can keep sleeping," he whispered and placed a kiss on Elias' cracked lips before deciding that he was more considerate than that. Fumbling around in the bedside drawer, he found a lip balm and smeared it on the other man's lips without asking before kissing them again. "I'm going to go for a jog along the promenade, the weather is awesome."

Elias grumbled something and hugged his waist, unwilling to let go at first until Hyungwon wiggled his way free and looked for his clothes. He wasn't going to wear them, but when he saw clothes lying around in the morning it made him furious for some reason, so he collected them all and threw them into the nearby basket that was filled to the brim with workout shorts, tank tops and socks.

_Because he never wears anything else._

"Are you coming back afterwards?" Elias asked as he turned in his direction and hugged the thin blanket in an attempt to build a human out of it.

"Sure, but I'm on call, so I might have to run to the hospital," he remarked and enjoyed the hilarious sight for a few more moments. He kept a stash of his clothes in the other man's wardrobe, but there wasn't much, mostly jogging attire since the promenade was so close and perfect for a morning run.

"Is that guy still freaking out when he sees you?" Elias' eyes were open and he was grinning, amused because he was of the opinion that Hyungwon's new colleague couldn't deal with the fact that he was gorgeous but off limits because of work.

_Unlikely considering you were close enough to taste before and he still decided to treat you like a puff of air._

"Stay tuned, he was doing okay for a whole day until I met him at the gym," he replied as he got dressed before brushing his teeth, eating a slice of bread with cheese and some fresh tomatoes, and getting ready to leave the apartment.

_Let's see how he acts now that he left you standing in the sauna without another word._

On his way out, Hyungwon almost broke his neck stumbling on a pair of dumbbells, realizing once more that there was no space for him at Elias' apartment. It was fine, that way he didn't have to disturb the other man's sleep more than necessary. Seven o'clock was acceptable considering that Elias usually got up around nine.

Putting on his noise cancelling headphones as soon as he left the busy streets of Zürich, Hyungwon started out slowly, picking up his pace while listening to his favorite running tracks, upbeat and quick. Ages ago he had danced to similar music, now he mainly ran when there was time for music.

_You don't even remember the last time you went drinking._

Shaking his head at the sudden thoughts of all the things that had changed over the past years, Hyungwon decided to focus on the beauty that was his running track.

The promenade was gorgeous and he loved the view of mountains above the water. It was one of the reasons he felt thankful for living in a city like Zurich and having a job that he loved with his whole heart, no matter how much time it occupied.

Suddenly he almost stumbled over a small ball that was thrown under his feet and a child that followed, wrapping around the ball and lying on the ground at his feet and staring at him. Pulling down his headphones, he crouched to check whether he hurt the boy.

_You run pretty fast. Lucky that nothing happened._

"You almost let the Pokémon escape," the black-haired boy murmured and pouted and he heard the parent rush over, apologizing in a weirdly familiar low voice.

"Why would you throw it on the jogging lane, Riku? The man almost fell because of you." Brown hair and broad build, black t-shirt and casual cargo shorts, he almost didn't recognize the person who ran away from him in the sauna the night before. "I'm sorry." Hoseok looked up and froze in place, eyes wide.

"But it was a rare one, dad, it's not my fault that this man almost ran over it."

Hyungwon stared too, unsure what to say at first. Usually he didn't struggle dealing with children and joined in with imaginary play, be it Pokémon or something else, but somehow, he hadn't expected Hoseok to have children. It didn't fit the image he had of the other man, be it from high school or now.

_Maybe because people with children seem super grown up to you, but his avoidance behavior is everything but._

"I'm sorry about that," he replied to the little boy once he caught himself and smiled, trying to find similarities to Hoseok on the cute face. "I wasn't able to see it, but maybe you can try to warn me next time, then I can stop in time. Did you get hurt?"

"Nothing is too painful if it's about protecting my Pokémon," the boy exclaimed and jumped up to his feet, showing him the plastic poke ball.

"That- I'm sorry about that, you can continue your run," Hoseok muttered before another figure appeared behind the other man's broad back. A girl with short black hair that looked a bit older than the boy stared at him, small hands tugging at Hoseok's shirt.

"Dad, isn't that the boy? The one with pink hair who you took pictures with? I think it's him, he has the same nose and lips, just like him."

_He kept the pictures? All… of them?_

The way Hoseok's eyes widened was impressive to watch, just like him hissing something at his daughter.

"I'm not joking, that one folder, memories to be forgotten, it's that guy." Suddenly the child's round eyes focused on him and she revealed more of herself, appearing behind her father's back. "You know my dad, right, Mister?"

_Memories to be forgotten. So that's you._

Hyungwon swallowed down the hurt at being part of a folder that the man in front of him obviously wanted to forget about and smiled at the little girl.

"I do," he replied and brushed through his hair, realizing that she must have recognized him despite everything that’s changed, including his hair and the roundness of his face. "Your dad and I work together at the hospital. But I'm also the person in those pictures I guess. I had pink hair back then."

Hoseok wanted to say something but jumped up to run after the boy who must've seen another Pokémon while the girl stayed back and looked at him, eyebrows furrowed in suspicion. "So, you work at the hospital? Does your boss know about all those nasty things that you did?"

_Oh god._

"Ehm-" Hyungwon started out while furiously trying to remember what Hoseok and him might have taken pictures of. Luckily doing things and taking pictures of them didn't go hand in hand. But even for pics it was so long ago that he couldn't really tell. He only knew that some of it could be easily misinterpreted and was definitely not meant for a little child to see.

_But he would have deleted those. Why keep them if he wants to forget?_

"I have evidence that you licked over my dad's ear even though he hates it because it's ticklish. But not only that… I've seen all of it, mister and I will keep an eye on you." The girl pointed at him before smiling brightly. "Why don't you have pink hair anymore? It looked so pretty!"

_Children are so ambivalent, calling you pretty but threatening you with a tiny finger._

"Well, it's true that I licked over his ear, but since you know that he's ticklish you must have done the same," he replied and grinned because that was definitely not all that bad. Hyungwon probably had worse pictures that he kept because Hoseok had been shy back then and preferred not to do anything too embarrassing while he had much less shame. In addition, he didn't know how open minded the other man was about being close to him back then and whether that was something he talked to his children about.

_Considering how he's running away from you, that's probably a no._

Observing the girl's smile, he found it easier to identify similarities with Hoseok while still not believing that his high school friend already had children that were this big. "And to have pink hair you need to dye it a lot. After a while the skin on your head doesn't like it and starts hurting, so I stopped. This way I only need to make sure that it doesn't get too long."

_Now you want to know which pictures he kept and why._

"I did lick over his ear. You would be a good detective. I was wondering why I never saw you at our house and I wanted to ask dad, but he works so much that I just look at his pictures when he's not there even though I'm not allowed to. That's why I'm going to get scolded." The girl sighed and glanced towards Hoseok who had lifted the little boy with one arm and walked towards them, looking uncomfortable as soon as their gazes met. "But you can keep secrets, right?" The girl stepped closer and lifted on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. "We had ethics in school and I asked dad whether he ever had a boyfriend and he said no. But…" The girl exhaled loudly into his ear. "But I think that he lied."

Hyungwon froze in place at the words, but not because he felt uncomfortable about the remark. He liked that the girl had ethics and didn't even consider having a same-sex partner being something bad. It was rather the fact that she must have assumed that the two of them had dated back then, that he was her dad's secret boyfriend from his youth.

_But you're not. You're the best friend that he ditched after getting too close._

"Areum, didn't you want ice cream? Dad's on call, so if we still want to get some, we need to hurry up. Let the poor man continue his workout." Hoseok chewed on his cheek and glanced at him once again, looking somehow guilty. "I'm sorry again, please don't let yourself be bothered."

"I'm not. You have lovely children," he commented and licked over his lips because they suddenly felt dry. A hint of bitterness returned, along with the memory of Hoseok running away from him the day before, just like that because he addressed something from their past.

_Is that what he is afraid of? That you'll confront him about the past?_

"I'm sure you can learn a lot from them," he added and began to loosen up the muscles of his legs, aware that he couldn't just continue running at full speed.

"Thank you," Hoseok murmured and took his daughter's hand. "Have a nice run and see you around."

"Bye, Hyungwon," the little girl yelled after him when he was about to put his headphones back on.

He lifted an eyebrow but decided not to comment on it. It was obvious that Hoseok had never talked about him to his kids, but apparently the other man had left enough of him to enable them to find it, be it their memories or his name.

If only Hyungwon had access to the same sources, to the way Hoseok treated their memories and to the reasons for rejecting him back then.

_You want to know what he kept and why._

Even though he thought that decent professional communication was enough for him, Hyungwon found himself getting curious, returning the same feeling of unfairness and hurt that he had tried to fight back then.

_You failed because he pushed you away, but what if you're more insistent this time? What if he'll finally tell you if only you keep close enough to ask?_

Hyungwon didn't need an apology. He wanted to understand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 3

Hoseok's heart was still hammering in his chest when he arrived home and let Riku change into clean clothes, trying to avoid Areum's glances. She overdid it because she thought that he didn't react due to lack of realization, but at some point, she would understand that there were things that he really didn’t want to talk about.

“But if you work together with Hyungwon, then you must be close, right? Are you friends? But if you are friends, why isn’t he visiting us on the weekends like uncle Namjoon sometimes does? Is it because he licked your ear?”

_For fuck’s sake._

“Listen, Areum, this is an adult issue, okay? We aren’t close, we are colleagues and you weren’t supposed to look at those pictures because they are private! I really don’t like it that you did that even though you know that you’re not allowed to.” Hoseok met his daughter’s gaze to make her understand that he was really upset about it.

“But… I only did it because I miss you. I always want to wake up at night to see you, but I never manage, so the only thing I can do is look at pictures, and you look so happy with Hyungwon. Like, really happy, like a kid! And he is so funny too.” Areum laughed loudly and told him about her favorite picture where Hyungwon sat on his shoulders and tried to bite his ear.

_You haven’t looked at them for a long time. Maybe you should. You know, to remove the magic._

“I’m still mad. And now let’s get your homework done so that you’re finished when mom comes home,” he commented and watched his daughter carry her backpack to the kitchen table, because of course the kitchen was an appropriate place to do homework.

_Does he have kids too?_

Somehow Hoseok doubted that Hyungwon did. There was nothing that led him to that conclusion, he had no idea what had happened in those fifteen years, but something told him that they had less in common than before.

_You prefer to run away and he prefers to deliberately get close to see you lose it._

Sitting at his kitchen table and watching his daughter doing her homework, he couldn’t believe how a memory from the past, a decision, an issue that he shouldn’t have thought about after so many years, simply resurfaced in all its unsolved glory, making him lose sleep and his calm, making him look insane and unprofessional, childish and stupid.

_This needs to stop._

_

He breathed heavily, briefly glancing at his chest and the sweat pearls on it, thinking about his perspiratory glands as Yura’s tiny fingers played with the drops, connecting them as she threw one leg over his hips.

“It’s funny, we have been married for a long time but I never thought of asking you why you actually don’t like spooning?” The familiar voice breathed into his ear followed by a chuckle. “Not that I want it no matter what, but I got curious because, you know, my previous experience tells me that that’s how people usually initiate, but you never do. Is there a reason?”

Swallowing, he chewed on his bottom lip and glanced at the ceiling, as if the answer would magically appear written on it, socially acceptable and clear, removing all misunderstandings and leaving his wife with a calm feeling that everything made sense.

_Well, fuck._

“I don’t know,” he lied. “I just think it’s nicer if you can see the person's face, especially if you initiate, because then you know who it is.”

_That sounds as if you fucking don’t when you can’t see the face._

“I mean- of course I know that I’m having sex with you even when I don’t see your face, it’s just more calming, I guess.”

“You’re a bit adorable, you know that? Despite being all serious and competent and buff. That’s what I like most about you. Your thoughts are so adorable and a tiny bit naive sometimes. Ah- Areum said that you met your new colleague? Is it the person you work with in the new department? You should invite him over some time, so we can get to know a few people around here. The kids were asking what happened to our social life because we just work and don't have any friends.” Again, Yura chuckled and placed a soft kiss on his cheek before hiding under her own thick blanket.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

_No way._

His thoughts alternated between his unwillingness to be even more involved with Hyungwon and unbearable curiosity. What did life offer to the back-haired man during the years that Hoseok spent building his career, starting a family, going through personal crisis? Was he happy now?

_What if being next to each other makes you both miserable?_

A glance to the side revealed his wife’s sleeping face, but there was no way he was able to fall asleep, so he took his work phone and put on a bathrobe, walking downstairs to the office. His heart was beating fast when he turned on the pc and connected the old portable HD, scrolling through the various folders until his eyes fell on the one called ‘memories to forget’. How ridiculous was it to name a folder that way if you wanted to keep it? If one needed to forget, then one should’ve removed everything, so that there was no evidence, nothing to come back to, just memories that would fade at some point.

The first picture filled the big screen. A king size bed, white thick blanket and pink hair sprawled over the pillow. Hyungwon’s face looked so much softer and his eyes were closed. Hoseok must have taken the picture when the boy was sleeping.

_You were obsessed with his sleeping face. That’s when you should’ve understood that it was something you shouldn't have been doing._

Swallowing down the sudden emotional reaction, he scrolled further, clicking on random pictures and trying to find the one thing his daughter was talking about when she said that he looked happy.

_You did._

After minutes passed, his phone rang with the hospital number appearing on the display. It seemed to him that the reality had been even more magical than his memories could recreate.

_

_He fell on top of the soft king size bed, tipsy. There was anger mixed with hurt, dizziness and warm hands on his body that helped him out of his clothes. Was it night? It probably was because the silver shadows were visible, even if he only opened his eyes briefly, unwilling to look. Why was he so mad? Opening his eyes, there were those soft features, big eyes looking at him and lips that were telling him something, but he couldn’t focus on the content. His hands reached for the blushed cheeks, he sat up, lips clashing against the soft ones in a kiss that contained all his desperation, all his want, his wishes that he never voiced, all of that was passed between their lips. Was he the only one who could feel it? Were the hands that roamed his body, pulled him closer as desperate as his own? At some point he couldn’t see the handsome face anymore, only the smooth back, the naked skin on his, his own arousal that threatened to burn him down and the velvety feeling against his fingertips, driving him insane, making him want more, so much more, everything he was able to have even though he knew that he couldn’t have anything in the end. ‘I want you,’ he said, meaning every word._

His eyes opened wide and he sat up, hitting his head against the top bunk bed and rubbing the spot because it hurt.

_Why? Why doesn’t it stop?_

He felt helpless because no matter what he did, it kept coming back. It affected him and he hated being affected, especially if the unresolved issue didn’t have any implications for his life, it was simply torture. Just torture. His own mind made the decision that he deserved to suffer.

_Maybe you need to talk about that to somebody?_

He definitely shouldn’t talk to Yura, because after the spooning question, there was no way that saying the truth wouldn’t affect her picture of him, so it needed to be somebody who was able to help but not ask too many questions.

Drinking a cup of water, he put his gown back on and left the on-call room. He had needed a nap after the emergency heart surgery that he had to help with because the resident anesthetist was ill. A glance at his watch showed that it was seven, so the psychiatrist in charge would be in his office reading the newest articles and shaking his head at the lack of quality research in medical science.

“I have dreams,” he said after knocking and sticking his head through the open door. As he thought, Namjoon was indeed sitting at his desk and clicking something with a dissatisfied look on his face.

“What dreams? It’s just the brain getting rid of enzyme residue, nothing to worry about.” His friend didn’t seem to take him seriously, so he entered and leaned against the door.

“I have dreams of memories. Something that actually happened and they all have the same- topic?” he tried, hoping that he didn’t have to say anything about the content.

“The same… topic? Well, that’s of course a completely different case that still tells me exactly nothing about your issue or what your problem with it is. Dr. Lee, you need to be specific. You don’t administer anesthesia by giving ‘some sedative through some route’ that’s not how it works.” Namjoon brushed his blonde hair back and finally looked at him, gesturing at him to sit on one of the chairs.

“Here’s the thing,” he started and felt like an idiot, because it was so stupid. Why did his brain have to do this to him? Why couldn't Hyungwon just take out the part that was creating the problem? “I met a person from fifteen years ago. A person I was close to, and now I can’t dream about anything else. I keep dreaming about… that person. Things that actually happened. And that makes me unable to be professional or keep an appropriate distance, I want to run away and can’t look at… that person.”

“That person. I see. Did something happen back then that you didn’t talk out? A conflict? Rejection? Hurtful misunderstandings?”

“Uhm…” How could he say that it was probably all of it? “Maybe,” he muttered.

“Well then-” Namjoon smiled and focused his gaze on him, observing him for a few seconds before letting out a deep sigh. “Then there is hope. Please talk to that _person_ and clear up the misunderstanding. Many years have passed, so it probably shouldn’t be a problem. You didn’t say that there is still an issue, right? As soon as you resolve the conflict, you can move on. It happens a lot with dysfunctional coping strategies and denial, at some point it’s like a boomerang, it comes back and bites you in the ass, so it came back to say hi. Say bye and try to move on.”

“But it’s scary. It’s super scary,” he murmured, unsure what exactly he considered scary about it.

_Maybe the fact that you hugged him in that pool as if no time had passed._

“One cannot suddenly feel like they did fifteen years ago, right? It’s just memories, right?” he wanted to make sure, because it made no sense whatsoever.

“You’re not having a marriage crisis, are you? I’m not doing couples therapy and you know it, please don’t do this to me. I know that you aren’t someone who is severely traumatized so it must be something else. Just try to discuss it with that person, Hoseok. And if you’re thankful for the free advice, give me something sedating so I don’t have to read those articles that increase my arterial pressure.” Namjoon observed his shocked expression and nodded. “Good. But still, just deal with it like a neurotypical adult. Talk about it and if you can’t talk about it because the person is unable to, then you probably won’t have the dreams either, because your brain will realize that all the effort isn’t worth it. Maybe you're missing something.”

_Maybe you're missing something._

Somehow, he didn’t feel much better as he walked towards the OR to prepare for another thrombectomy, but the outlook of watching Hyungwon, no, Dr. Chae excited him nevertheless.

_You can’t talk during surgery and maybe he will stop looking at you after you just walked away from him in the sauna._

Hoseok wore gloves, cap and mask and entered the OR, immediately walking to the machines to set them up and prepare the anesthesia in addition to the contrast injections for the imaging, trying not to think about anything apart from work.

"I heard that you had to do an emergency heart surgery. How did it go?" Dr. Chae's voice sounded behind him as the other man walked over to the screens and examined the newest pictures, working quickly because with a stroke one always had to work against time.

_Here he is._

He exhaled and let his eyes flutter shut for a few seconds before opening them again and staring at the intubation tube in his hand. “Good. They exchanged a cardiac valve and the patient is stable. I’m looking forward to watching another thrombectomy performed by you,” he commented truthfully.

"Don't fuel my confidence before it's successful." He could hear the smile in the other man's voice as he greeted the rest of the team and they got to work as quickly as possible. Dr. Chae kept the conversation light, as if to relax the people around him despite the time pressure. More than once the other man's brown eyes focused on him, giving him signs or simply checking to make sure the patient was stable.

When the CT was updated with blood flowing into the previously blocked areas of the brain, a soft exhale was the only sign that the neurosurgeon was relieved the procedure had gone well. Dr. Chae thanked the team and was a little quicker with finishing up than usual, joining him at the sink as soon as Hoseok made his way towards it.

"I happen to know that you have a short break. Coffee?" the tall man asked while staring at his side profile, a consequence of his attempts to focus on his hands instead of the surgeon's face.

_You should say ‘yes’ and drink coffee with him._

He hummed in reply and dried his hands slowly, before lifting his gaze and focusing it on the other man’s face. Hoseok wondered how many hours he slept. “Did you manage to catch up on sleep?” he asked, waiting for the other man to finish up and come along to the cafeteria.

"I guess it would be easier if my body hadn't internalized my working clock, forcing my eyes open at seven, no matter when I go to bed." Dr. Chae dried his hands and smiled again as he followed him in the direction of the only place with decent coffee. "How was it for you? I'm assuming that having two kids makes sleep a rarity, even without a job like ours."

“They sleep longer than me, always. I hear comments like that sometimes, but it’s just not realistic, not with my previous job and not with the situation right now. I had a call at midnight and have been here since then because it didn’t pay off to go back home. I took a nap though.” He smiled, talking to the hospital linoleum floors, before remembering how Dr. Chae hated the fact that he wasn’t able to keep a professional attitude when talking to him, so he lifted his gaze and met those big brown eyes once.

"Shit, do your kids even see you?" The comment wasn't very professional, but Dr. Chae didn't apologize and merely stopped in line for the coffee machine, greeting a few people that praised his skills politely, squeezed his shoulder or simply gave him a nod in greeting. He must be familiar with a majority of the people working at the hospital, as social as ever.

_Look who’s still popular. Maybe not many things changed after all._

“They mostly see me on weekends. That’s when I try to spend as much time as I can with them and then they tell me to go back to work, so there’s that. Do you have kids?” he asked and prepared in case the other man said yes and he had to hide his surprise.

A chuckle sounded instead of an answer and since they were at the head of the line, Dr. Chae placed a cup under the coffee machine before holding his hospital card to the reader and pressing the latte button.

"With my working hours, I don't think I'm qualified to raise a child. I know most doctors have children anyway, but somehow it feels like I barely have time for the people around me, so how could I have enough for a small being that needs me." The explanation sounded like the other man had thought about it quite a bit, talking while watching the coffee fill his cup. "There was a time when I really wanted to, but I think for that one needs to live together, do the whole starting a family business. I'm not really there yet, even if I'm over thirty."

_Is he in a relationship?_

"Mhm. I see. The occupation doesn't give you much choice I guess." Hoseok hated himself for replying with meaningless bullshit, but he felt strange asking anything else, simply because it wasn't his business. Hyungwon's life wasn't his business.

He used the break to let a double espresso fill half of his cup, taking it and following Dr. Chae.

"It's not just the occupation, Hoseok." Smiling, the other man sat down at one of the tables closer to the window and took a sip from his latte. "It's a little harder for somebody like me, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am that you started a family and have two kids. It fits you somehow, following the predetermined path to success as decided by our society. I even imagined you owning a company back then, despite your preference for avoiding conflict."

_What?_

The anger towards himself slowly transformed into anger towards the person across from him who was discussing his status even though it wasn't his fucking business. Hyungwon had many opportunities back then. Fifteen years passed, he was still popular and without family now, so what the fuck did he know about him?

_Namjoon told you to talk about it, but how are you supposed to, if you feel like you're going to do something stupid._

"You're not surprised? That's great. Maybe you were right about everything, but you still know nothing about me." Smiling superficially, he emptied his espresso and stood up. "Thank you for your company."

"I'm envious," Hyungwon said suddenly and sighed as he placed his cup on the table, glancing at his hands first until he looked up at him. "Maybe that wasn't very clear from what I said, but I also didn't want it to be. I think it's amazing that you have a family, gorgeous children and also enjoy your job. It's fantastic and doesn't look like you're missing anything, so I keep wondering why looking at me taints all of that enough to make you avoid me. Memories to forget, I guess."

_Areum told him, remember?_

"I guess it's time to delete that folder," he murmured. "It makes no sense that you're wondering about anything that I'm doing or not doing. I work well with you, but that doesn't seem to matter. Why? Because you're curious? There's nothing to be curious about. I did everything like you predicted." He was so taken aback by his own emotional response that he turned around and walked out of the cafeteria, putting on a smile as he passed by colleagues who greeted him. Rejection, a conflict, a misunderstanding. It was everything at once and he saw no chance of ever being able to resolve it.

_

The day was almost over and he managed to not talk to the head neurosurgeon apart from a few words in the OR and at the case discussion meeting. Preparing to go to the gym and hopefully stop thinking, Hoseok washed his hands in the sink after taking care of his business and looked at the water flowing past his fingers as the door opened and he glanced at his reflection in the mirror, immediately recognizing the person that came in.

_Definitely time to leave._

Instead of entering the room and making his way to one of the urinals or a stall, Dr. Chae closed the door and leaned against it, observing him intently.

"You're one hurtful bastard, Hoseok Lee," the other man commented and hugged his own waist.

He wasn't expecting to be insulted, turning around and meeting the gaze in the big eyes.

"Why? I think I thanked you after the surgery. I paid extra attention to that," he replied and went to the disinfectant, rubbing it into his skin.

"Which is obviously not the point." Dr. Chae sighed and brushed through his hair, looking a little agitated as if he struggled to put his concerns into words while Hoseok was planning his escape. "You're hurtful because you assume that I don't have a reason to be curious about somebody who happened to be my best friend in high school. I don't know how you think about it, Hoseok, but to me you're not some random guy from fifteen years ago. This isn't how reunions work and I understand if you don't really care to know me, but at least tell me what I did to make you treat me like this."

_Why… can he just say it like that?_

He stared, swallowing briefly and suppressing the need to tell the other man that he hated him for saying that he did everything according to societal standards.

"Are you going to run away again?" Hyungwon asked and held his breath for a few seconds, shoulders tensing up. "Slip through my legs because I'm blocking the exit?"

"I was thinking about simply pushing you to the side, but then I don't want to risk hurting your hands in any way, so that's not a good option." Hoseok leaned against the sink and unbuttoned the first few buttons on his lab coat because he felt hot suddenly. "You didn't do anything. I just want to leave it in the past, but you won't let me."

"Because it fucking hurts."

As soon as he said it, the other man blinked once and looked at the ceiling, as if to compose himself after the sudden reply.

"Because leaving it in the past means that it has no impact anymore, but it does. You still treat me like I've done something horrible to you while being unable to look at me and keeping our pictures hidden somewhere." Hyungwon swallowed and took a deep breath before looking at him again. "Listen, if what happened was that terrible for you, then I'm sorry, but was it really worth pretending that I don't exist? That's what I don't understand. Let's assume that back then it was, that it was so bad that you couldn't bear it. But then why now? Why, if the me that I am now didn't do anything to you?"

He stared, first unable to understand what Hyungwon was talking about, until he remembered his last dream.

_He must be talking about that._

"Are you… kidding me?" he asked in disbelief. "You think that I thought it was terrible and that's why…? What even… I- God, I don't even want to think about that." He lifted his hand and closed his eyes, rubbing over his nose bridge. "You didn't do anything to me, you didn't do anything bad, that's why you should just forget about it and be the amazing neurosurgeon that you are. There are some things one can't resolve and I'm pretty sure this one is a good example."

_Can't you just leave?_

Suddenly Hyungwon moved away from the door, but instead of leaving or making his way towards a stall, the other man stopped right in front of him. Plump lips were pressed together into a thin line and Hoseok heard Hyungwon exhale once until he finally spoke.

"Bullshit," the low voice whispered as big brown eyes closed for a few seconds before returning their attention to his. There was barely any space between them and the sink was blocking him from moving further back. "You keep talking about triggers, Hoseok. What happened back then was the trigger for your behavior and now that trigger is me. What the hell am I doing that makes you react like that?"

He stared, feeling cornered and unable to escape the uncomfortable situation. The sight of the round chin and lips took his breath away even though it shouldn't have. Maybe that was the reason. That he reacted in a strange way because of his memories, because they came back and started torturing him, repeating everything he did and said as if to check if he had made a mistake back then.

_You're not thinking that you made a mistake, are you?_

Swallowing, he looked to the side to be able to breathe.

"If you move and let me leave, I'll give you all those pictures that I took when you were asleep," he whispered and looked up, hoping that the other man would leave because he felt like he couldn't take it and his head hurt.

Hyungwon's eyes widened, but he didn't reply immediately, holding his gaze. His exhales filled the air, making it seem even hotter as the tall man moved closer instead of letting him go.

"Why do you look so scared?" the low voice asked quietly, but didn't wait for a reply, merely jumping from one feature of his face to the next.

"Come here," Hyungwon murmured suddenly and reached out for him, arms curling around his shoulders and pulling him flush against the other man's lean chest. A big hand travelled upwards to his hair and long fingers raked through it, caressing from the top to his nape.

He held his breath when the feeling of dread mixed with the tingling against his skin, goosebumps and the warmth around him. His heart pumped in his chest and thinking about it, the situation was so similar but still so different. It resembled one of those countless occasions from back then when he had frozen in place, feeling the slim fingers, the warmth of the attractive body, the hot air from the words Hyungwon spoke into his ear, his embrace, wondering whether what he felt could have been friendship.

_Just that there is no friendship now, Hoseok._

Hyungwon didn't say anything as he held him close, brushing through his hair in tender motions and exhaling against the top of his head. Their bodies were different from back then and Hyungwon had grown a little, showing that time passed, but the voice that whispered into his ear that it was going to be okay still sounded the same.

He hated it, he hated how it made him feel and that his arms curled around the other man's waist, returning the embrace and how his brain did the same thing all over again, begging that the low voice would ask 'did you miss me?' and he could honestly say 'yes'.

***

_Why is he still able to hurt you so much?_

Hyungwon was a grown man, somebody with a decent job and a partner, perfectly satisfied with his circumstances with the exception that he was lonely sometimes and didn't have enough time for all the things he wanted to do.

There was nothing missing that would have justified Hoseok's words impacting him to such a degree that his hands were shaking around his latte after the anesthetist left.

_It's not about him having a wonderful family whereas you don't._

Envy might have been the wrong word, because Hyungwon knew that a family wasn't for him. He had meant every word, because he didn't even have the time to see Elias and the two of them didn't share an apartment, so how could there be enough time for children? Elias was busy with his followers and workout routines and Hyungwon had lives to save. In addition, nobody was going to let them adopt a child anyway.

_You're not envious of him having a family._

The thought kept returning to his mind throughout the rest of the day. Hoseok avoided him at all costs, barely interacting with him during the meeting and the following surgery in the afternoon. From the outside it wasn't obvious, nobody but Hyungwon realized, but the instant gaze avoidance, tense body language and half-hearted praise were enough of a sign.

_You thought that he might get over it, but it's only getting worse._

When Hyungwon saw the anesthetist making his way towards the male restrooms late in the evening, he decided that he had enough. It wasn't only about their professional relationship, it was about the fact that something emotional happened between them back then that was still haunting him. He had thought that it was fine and that seeing Hoseok didn't have to mean anything and maybe it wouldn't have meant anything, but the immediate avoidance, that pained gaze, all of it brought back the way he had felt back then.

_The way you stood in front of him, begging him to at least look at you and he simply turned around without a word and left._

All of those emotions were churning in his mind, making it difficult to focus on his patient files and make the right decisions. It wasn't okay and even if Hoseok preferred to run away, Hyungwon wasn't an insecure teenager anymore that could just accept it after crying by himself for several months.

When he blocked the bathroom door with his slim body, he knew that Hoseok could make his way through if he wanted to. He was no threat to the muscular man, at least not physically. Only when he stepped closer, unable to keep the frustration he felt to himself, he realized that his mere presence must have been more of a threat than he had anticipated.

Hoseok seemed so convinced that there was no solution while blatantly lying that it wasn't about what had happened between them. Hyungwon wasn't stupid and denial wasn't going to make the facts disappear. The two of them were fine until that night, until Hoseok got wasted and Hyungwon used the fact that the other boy was vulnerable to get closer because he had really wanted to be. The result was an empty bed the next day and not a single word afterwards. Hoseok hadn't even greeted him in the hallways, disappearing as if they were suddenly living in different dimensions.

Hyungwon didn't have an explanation back then, but he had a few possibilities. What he didn't have was an explanation for Hoseok's behavior now. Why was the other man pushing himself against the sink as if he was a threat to him? Why was he running away and acting as if Hyungwon was the worst thing that could have happened to him?

The same feeling got so much stronger when he stepped even closer, blocking Hoseok's escape and trying to force the other man to look at him, to meet his gaze and tell him what the hell his problem was. Hyungwon wasn't going to do anything to him, he wasn't a threat and he had no intentions of repeating whatever freaked Hoseok out back then.

_But he looks so terrified, so fucking scared of you coming closer._

The way Hoseok offered to give him photographs of his sleeping face as a last resort caught him off guard, like a desperate but childish attempt to offer something, anything to escape the situation.

_He's terrified, but what is it? If he took all those pictures and kept them, can it really be you that he's so afraid of?_

Hyungwon had been hurt and furious, shaking from the emotions that overwhelmed him when he entered the restroom, but the way Hoseok looked at him, desperate, scared and so fucking helpless forced a cold shudder down his back.

_He doesn't understand it either, he doesn't want to react like that._

Maybe it was the vulnerability that Hoseok showed him, the blatant fear that filled the air to such a degree that Hyungwon felt like he could taste it if he tried. Murmuring 'come here', he reached out for the other man and wrapped his arms around his broad shoulders, embracing him tightly and pressing their chests flush against each other.

The feeling was familiar and at the same time new. There was the scent of disinfectant instead of lemon, the man in his arms was muscular and burning hot instead of similarly slim. The hair that tickled his neck was brown and not blonde the way it had been back then. Still, Hyungwon could tell that the person was the same one, that he was hugging Hoseok while remembering every single time he had done it before.

_He showed it so rarely, but still you could tell when he needed to be held._

Hyungwon didn't know if he was still able to tell, brushing through the brown hair and caressing the other man's scalp and nape, tender and hoping to calm him down. Maybe he wasn't able to read Hoseok anymore, not the person that he had become now, a mature anesthetist with a family and hobbies, probably new friends that he shared his concerns with and got comforted by.

Standing there like this, embracing the other man, realizing how much had changed, Hyungwon finally understood what it was that he felt so envious of. It wasn't the fact that Hoseok had continued his life according to the socially acceptable plan, started a family, raised two children and was acknowledged as an expert in his field.

_It's the fact that you weren't able to be a part of it. Because of one, single mistake._

Arms wrapped around his waist, hugging back as shaky exhales warmed his neck. Hoseok wasn't pushing him away, even though he should have if Hyungwon was the source of his misery. If he was the reason for Hoseok running away, then why was the other man hugging back like this, as if he remembered in the same way that he did?

_Almost as if he missed it too._

Hyungwon didn't speak because it felt sacred, too delicate to break the moment by revealing his thoughts and that he had missed their closeness. That he missed being able to comfort Hoseok and knowing that he was able to. He didn't know if the man in his arms was still the same one he had comforted fifteen years ago, but he knew that he was scared and that he accepted the closeness, even if he tried to avoid him.

_Is he scared because he misses it, but doesn't allow himself to? Why did he push you away then? Is he scared that you will try to get too close again?_

Hoseok's breaths calmed down, but Hyungwon wasn't willing to let go yet, not while the warmth between their bodies still comforted him in return and while Hoseok still trusted him enough to be embraced.

Unfortunately, his work phone was of a different opinion as it began to play a standard melody and Hyungwon felt forced to reach into his pocket and lift it to his ear. He wasn't selfish enough to put his emotions over the life of another person.

The call was quick, an emergency stroke patient that was about to arrive in twenty minutes and that required a quick assessment and if possible a thrombectomy. As soon as he cancelled the call and calculated how many more minutes he had to keep Hoseok in his arms, the other man's phone began to play the same standard melody, asking for his attention.

“Back then it was other people’s attention and now it’s work. I think I like it more now,” Hoseok whispered and took the call, glancing at him with an unreadable gaze. When he said that he would be on his way and put the phone back into his pocket, the other man slipped between the sink and him, opening the door and waiting for him to go out. “I guess you didn’t want the pictures,” Hoseok commented quietly.

"Because I'd rather have you," Hyungwon replied and sighed, making his way out of the restroom and only belatedly realizing that his reply could have been misunderstood. When he turned around, Hoseok had already disappeared into the hospital hallways.

_Once again you scare him with your preferences._

He wouldn't have minded the pictures, but if he could have sacrificed them to have his best friend back, he would have done it.

_

Sleep deprivation was slowly taking its toll on him and even though he was used to it most of the time, the number of emergency surgeries he had to do during the past four days went way over his usual capacities.

_Hopefully you'll be able to catch up on the weekend, at least partially._

The last time Hyungwon looked at his watch it had been 10 p.m. and considering the amount of administrative work that had to be finished before tomorrow, he doubted that going home paid off this time. No matter how much he loved his bed, jumping on his bike and making it all the way home and back, including getting ready for bed and additional distractions, was probably going to cost him more sleep time than staying at the hospital.

His eyes fell on Hoseok's name on one of the surgery reports he had to read over and he found himself thinking back to their embrace in the restroom. There had been no proper conversation since then, none apart from eye contact during surgery and the usual praise afterwards. Hyungwon couldn't tell how much of it was due to their hectic lives and how much was the other man's desire to be as far away from him as possible.

_Did you scare him with what you said back then?_

He couldn't tell and now there was no time to talk about it. Hyungwon didn't want to compromise their work environment with their personal issues. Hopefully, there were going to be other opportunities in which they didn't meet as medical professionals.

_Maybe you can talk to him when the whole thing calms down a little._

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock and the door opening after a few seconds. To his complete surprise it was Dr. Lee, looking just as exhausted as him and lifting a file next to his face, as if to show him that he came for a reason.

"Do you have a minute?" the pleasant voice asked and he felt the other man's gaze for a split second before it travelled lower.

_Still avoiding your face whenever he can._

"Sure," Hyungwon replied and gestured for Dr. Lee to sit down across from him before moving his chair around his desk to be able to talk properly. He didn't like the whole tradition of having a gigantic desk between him and the people he was talking to. His curiosity was also at the back of his mind, making him wonder why the other man would decide to come to him of his own accord and without being forced.

_Unless he was forced and you just don't know yet._

"It's about the patient you scheduled for a Craniotomy the day after tomorrow. You requested awake surgery, but- I have a different opinion on that." Hoseok sat down and immediately spread the imaging reports on the table, pale finger tapping on the temporal lobe. It was interesting how he could still remember the delicate hands with elongated nails so well. "I understand your decision, I do, but I still wanted to talk to you once before we go into surgery and it gave me a headache, so I'm here. The tissue looks complicated to remove, I’m sure you can do it well though, but after looking at the file, I found records of pretty heavy seizures a few years ago and it seems… I mean I can't be sure, I'm not a neurosurgeon, but it seems it got better because of the tumor tissue pressing on here, so if you remove it, he might have a severe seizure, that's why I wanted to suggest general anesthesia with complete sedation and intubation."

Hyungwon's eyes widened briefly, mostly because he hadn't expected a professional conversation even though it made the most sense. Hoseok's arguments were valid if the information about the history of seizures was true.

"What do we know about the seizures? Were they treated in any way?" he asked and moved closer to be able to look at the imaging files. The source of the seizures was indeed rather close to the tumor, so the concern was justified.

_Why didn't you think about this before?_

Reaching out and brushing over Dr. Lee's hand as he moved a few pages back, he finally found what he was looking for. "Why is this inconsistent? The description of the seizure location says frontal, but the EEG obviously says that it's temporal. Somebody must have copied it without checking. I trust the EEG more, so you're right that it could be problematic. But my question about treatment remains."

"Mhm. I called the hospital in Bern because I have a good contact in the neurology department there and they said the patient was given anticonvulsants and that at some point it was discontinued because the seizures subsided, but…" Hoseok pulled an MRI picture from under his hand and pointed at the tumor again. "But if you look at those two pictures, it's growing over here, so there's a possibility that the remission was due to the growth of the tumor."

"If you're right, then we have more problems than just whether we do it under general anesthesia," Hyungwon murmured and took another look at the MRI before searching for the functional images to understand how integrated the tumor was with the surrounding tissue. It was independent, which meant that removal wasn't going to impair the function of healthy brain tissue. But that could be bad in this case. "If removing tumor tissue causes crippling epilepsy attacks, it might be necessary to assess the source first. If they are as bad as described here, the patient might need either another surgery or have them controlled with medication."

Chewing on his cheek, he contemplated whether they would be able to decide before surgery. It wasn't really justifiable to subject the patient to two brain surgeries, but at the same time one had to be awake for deep brain stimulation and there was no certainty that there would be seizures in the first place.

"So… that's why I wanted to suggest doing both, general anesthesia for tumor removal and then I would switch to conscious sedation to assess for seizures and then you decide what we do. But you know that it will be ten hours in the OR, so please decide. You know my opinion now. Ah and the radiologist is on board, so no worries about that.",

_Back to making important decisions._

Hyungwon hummed in understanding, perfectly aware that it was the right thing to do, but he would have to recover somehow. There was no way that he could perform a ten-hour surgery any time soon without fucking up.

"Let's do it," he murmured and brushed through his hair. "But I don't know if we can do it the day after tomorrow. I'm in no shape to perform a 10-hour operation. The day after tomorrow is Saturday and- there's a bunch of stuff on Friday, not to mention possible emergencies. I don't want to endanger anybody."

_You hate admitting to being at your limit, but it's important._

"Makes sense. I would be lying if I said that I was in top shape right now. Not to appear sneaky or anything, but I asked to take your on-call shift on Sunday, so that you have a free day so, maybe Monday?" There was a brief smile as the black eyes met his for a second before returning to the files in front of them.

_But isn't he just as exhausted?_

"Don't you think that you also need to recover?" he remarked and licked over his lips because they felt a little dry. The smile on Hoseok's face was familiar and reminded him of the other man's tendency to do nice gestures without realizing how meaningful they actually were. "Your week was at least as exhausting as mine and your weekend continues to be busy."

"I will be okay after some workouts, saunas and the feeling that there's always something going on. I'm always in need of adrenaline and maybe I won't have to be here all Sunday, so it's okay. I do have to focus and be able to act quickly, but it's not the same pressure that you have when you do surgery and have to keep your hands steady for hours. Get some good rest and take care of yourself. Ten hours is a long time and making mistakes sucks." Again, Hoseok smiled and collected the patient file, carefully arranging the pages.

"Thank you, Hoseok," he whispered, not sure whether this really qualified as a professional favor. "I'm really glad to have you."

He had felt like collapsing only moments ago, but somehow, after their conversation, it didn't feel as bad anymore. Hyungwon still had a bunch of administrative files to take care of before the next day and wouldn't be going home, but it felt doable suddenly.

"I'm not sure about that. But I suggest that you stop for today. There's a limit to what your body can take. Let's go for a drink. I'll meet you outside. Ten minutes should be enough, right?" The other man stood up and walked to the door, taking the file along. "Or do you have other plans?"

Hyungwon hesitated, glancing at the administrative files and surgery reports on his desk. Hoseok must have been able to tell that work was the only thing that kept him from joining.

_You don't know if you'll ever have another opportunity._

"Ten minutes sound perfect," he replied eventually and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. It was just enough to go through one surgery report before allowing himself a break from work.

_If you're not going home, there's still a lot of hours until the early morning._

"See you outside of the ER entrance." Hoseok glanced at him one more time and left the room quietly.

Hyungwon forced his attention to stay with the surgery report instead of thinking about what had motivated Hoseok to spend time with him. There was nothing that made it obligatory and there had been no rumors about them not getting along, rather the opposite.

_Did he think about what you told him?_

He couldn't be sure and only when the report landed on the heap of accomplishments, he allowed himself to think further and wonder if it was a good idea to go for drinks when he was sleep deprived.

_Maybe it'll take your mind off those papers though._

In addition, it was a chance to learn more about the person that Hoseok had become now, the man that offered to take his shift even though he had a family to take care of.

Taking off his coat, he closed the buttons he had opened for comfort and grabbed his keys and hospital card before leaving his office and making his way to the designated meeting point.

When he turned around the corner from the main entrance and was almost at the ER, he saw Hoseok leaning against a wall, wearing black jeans and a dark grey shirt, eyes focused on the ground and hands hidden in the pockets. If the figure in front of him wasn't so buff he could have thought that no time had passed.

Hyungwon paused, giving himself the time to look a little longer. Hoseok still qualified as beautiful, maybe even more so than back then. Not only the other man's hands were delicate, but also his facial features. He remembered observing them at night, letting his index finger trace the form of Hoseok's nose bridge and the curve of his lips. He had been careful, so only once those round eyes had opened and looked at him in surprise.

_You just smiled then, asking him if he dreamt of you while pretending that it was a joke._

The change in build influenced the first impression, but not the effect that Hoseok's face had. Hyungwon couldn't help a smile, because even though so much time had passed, his opinion of the man in front of him hadn't changed much.

_But he said you don't know him, not the person that he is now._

Maybe it was time to change that if only Hoseok would let him.

Brushing through his hair to fix the way it fell on his forehead, Hyungwon turned around the corner and smiled as soon as Hoseok's gaze fell on him.

"Where are you going to kidnap me to?" he asked playfully and couldn't help the sudden excitement at getting to know the man in front of him outside of the clinic.

"It's not kidnapping if you're coming voluntarily," Hoseok commented in reply and pulled out car keys, gesturing at the parking lot and unlocking a big black BMW. "I don't know many places here, job and all, but I've been to this little wine bar, the atmosphere is great to relax and it's not loud at all. I hope that you'll like it too." Sitting in the driver's seat, the other man fixed his hair too, before turning on the engine, throwing a glance at him and checking whether he was buckled up before driving in the direction of the inner city.

_Maybe that comes along with having children, you make sure the people around you are safe._

"How- have you been?" the low voice asked when neither of them said anything.

Hyungwon smiled at the question and leaned back, eyes closing because exhaustion was telling him that they should. He felt a little excited about going out since it's been ages for him, even if Elias loved going to bars.

"Busy," he replied since it was the most accurate one-word description before elaborating. "Depends on whether you mean the last week or the last fifteen years."

"Last fifteen years," Hoseok whispered and turned into a narrow street, navigating the gigantic car skillfully despite exhaustion. "You don't have to answer, but I wanted to ask at least once."

_Does he think you don't want to tell him?_

"Why wouldn't I answer?" he asked back, perfectly aware that the only one who was trying to keep their conversations to a minimum was Hoseok. Hyungwon had no such intentions since day one. "Fifteen years are a long time to summarize, but let's say I've studied medicine, realized that there are things in life that are better than sleep, had some good and bad relationships, decided on a career that limits everything else, but that despite all that I'm still happy with my choice and love the way it makes me feel. How… have you been all this time?"

His summary felt superficial, but Hyungwon couldn't tell why exactly. Maybe because he constantly felt the need to not mention his sexuality explicitly, even though he didn't bother hiding it with anybody else. Maybe it was also the fact that he skipped over the long months of missing the man next to him until he finally accepted it and moved on.

_Do the things that happened between you have the same meaning for him?_

"I- okay, I guess." When Hyungwon glared and was ready to call the other man out for behaving like a kid, Hoseok turned around the corner and started pulling backwards into a tiny spot that didn't look as if the gigantic tank Hoseok was driving would fit into it. "I studied medicine, then specialized in anesthesiology, had a good and a bad relationship with it, went to critical emergency, met Yura in the ambulance when she had her skull open, started a family, married, decided to give up emergency medicine and went into Neurology instead. Bought a house in Zurich but would have never thought that I would be driving my best friend from high school, who became a genius neurosurgeon, to a wine bar at midnight. Life is full of surprises." Hoseok parked and turned to look at him. "Let's go?"

_His wife must be called Yura then and he's still married._

Hyungwon had tried his best not to assume anything since a lot of his colleagues had married young but ended up getting divorced because medicine wasn't the most family friendly job out there. A hint of surprise also stayed on his face, since he hadn't expected Hoseok to be so genuine with him.

"Let's go," he replied and climbed out of the car. "Your life sounds all kinds of amazing, definitely exciting. Your children are adorable too and since they don't only look like you, your wife must be beautiful."

_You mean it, don't you?_

He did. Hoseok's children were indeed gorgeous and he still felt happy that things worked out so well for the other man. Hoseok had even bought a house, which meant he planned on staying where he was, get old there and live happily ever after until his children grew up and began to do their own thing.

_But you're still envious because you heard about it in a few sentences instead of being a part of it._

"Did you think that you were never going to see me again?" he ended up asking, realizing that he had never thought that way. Somehow Hyungwon had expected them to meet some day, laugh about their teenage insecurities and let all the feelings from back then fade into pleasant nostalgia. "I imagined it sometimes. Meeting again I mean."

Hoseok didn't comment on his wife and led him towards a bar that looked very cozy and wasn't full. When they entered, the other man gestured at the farthest corner where one could sit on gigantic couches, preferably after taking off your shoes.

"I tried not to think about it. But then again, I guess I thought we wouldn't meet again because I was sure that you would go abroad, meet more people and see more things and I would do what I'm doing in the way society wants it, as you said so nicely. Pick something, everything is good here." Hoseok took off his shoes and spread his legs, pulling one leg up and gesturing at the menu.

"But I hated things that were too much of a bother, didn't I?" Hyungwon chuckled and also took off his shoes before sitting down cross legged on one of the fluffier pillows. "Going abroad would involve so many things. I'd have to organize a work place, an apartment, new documents, insurances. Lots of things. Switzerland is a nice enough place to be and Zurich has a gorgeous view along the promenade. I love jogging along there, observing the mountains above the lake. I guess I'm more resistant to change than one might think."

He reached for the menu and read through all of the options until he decided to go for a sweet white wine, just enough to pull him out of his routine. Hoseok let him order, smiling briefly.

"I don't think what you're doing fits the 'not too much of a bother' strategy." The other man turned to the waiter and ordered a Coke zero. "I'm glad that you're living well."

"I love my job." Somehow it sounded like a clarification, but at the same time it was also true. Until now Hyungwon had chosen his work over a lot of things that forced him to choose in the first place. He had chosen it over partners before. "Maybe I was just naive as a teenager and wanted to go abroad to make out on the Eiffel tower, take romantic walks along the Seine and have steamy sex in front of a full-size window overlooking the city."

"Somehow that sounds just like my memory of you, but then again I remember so many things and not all of them are like that. I hope that you managed to do all those things that you wanted to do." Hoseok thanked the waiter and took a sip of his Coke before pulling out his smartphone and excusing himself.

"Hi, Yura. I'm not sure yet, but I guess around one or two, so don't wait up for me. I'm with a colleague. Mhm. Good night." The other man ended the call and took his Coke again, drinking half of it. "Is your wine acceptable?"

Hyungwon smiled at the question while wondering if that was what living together felt like, constant calls about when one would be home and the following disappointment because most of the time the answer wasn't satisfactory.

_You've had that, didn't you? Even without being married._

Somehow, he missed the love confessions, but then again there was no point if they were only said routinely, without any meaning to them while ending a phone call.

_It's also none of your business whether he tells his wife that he loves her before hanging up._

"I'm no expert on wine, but it seems delicious to me. It helps to pull my thoughts away from the documents that are still lying on my desk." Taking a sip, he let his index finger circle along the top of the glass the way he liked doing and thought about how to phrase his next comment. "I'm not sure whether I managed to do everything that I wanted to do. I like where I am now, but at the same time circumstances changed again and I find myself thinking about other things I might want. I hope Yura won't be upset that I'm taking your time."

_Is 'colleague' the appropriate term for your relationship? It seems more complicated, doesn't it?_

Hoseok pulled up both legs and sat cross-legged, leaning against the backrest and observing him. "She thought I would be at the gym anyway, so I don't think that matters. You wanted to work, so I thought I'd ditch exercise to take you out for some wine."

_It's always about priorities._

Hyungwon hummed and took another sip of his wine. The comment made him realize that even though he usually chose work, he hadn't done it this time, choosing to spend time with the man in front of him instead.

"Do you ever end up thinking about 'what if'?" he asked and looked up from his glass to meet Hoseok's gaze, curious about how long it was going to stay with him.

"What if? What if… what?" The other man asked quietly and put his drink back on the table, before taking a small pillow and wrapping his muscular arms around it instead of crossing them in front of his chest.

_There is still something adorable about him._

"There's a lot of 'what ifs' for me," he began and smiled briefly before leaning back and unbuttoning the top of his shirt because it was getting warm and alcohol flushed his skin. "I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't taken you home when you got drunk, if I stopped you in time. I think about what would have happened if I hadn't acted on my teenage decision-making skills. I think about whether you would have given up if I had asked you more often, been more persistent about why you decided to have nothing to do with me. Lots of things I thought about a lot back then and now I find those thoughts reappearing in my head. Would we still be friends without all that? Would I know your kids and hang out with them on weekends? Who the fuck knows."

Hoseok listened, black eyes staring at a spot on his neck and fingers fumbling with the fabric of the pillow. "Rejecting somebody is easier than being rejected. At least that's what I thought back then. I'm not so sure now," the low voice whispered in reply, but still audible through the quiet music.

_What?_

"Did you think that I was going to reject you, Hoseok?" he asked, unable to keep the disbelief out of his voice. How could anybody come up with that conclusion after getting close? Wasn't it the opposite, a sign that things were more meaningful?

_Although you kept trying to not let it show too much back then._

"Hmm, that's a good question. I guess it depends on what I was expecting, right? You had many people around who liked you and who you - liked too, so… but now it doesn't really matter. I put the pictures on here, so you have them. It's your face, so it's weird to just keep it to myself." Hoseok reached into the pocket of his jeans and took out a small, red USB stick, placing it next to his wine.

_One might think you're making a deal._

"I have a bunch of pictures of your face too, so does that also make me weird, or does it suddenly normalize it?" Suddenly, the same feeling of hurt returned that he had felt countless times since seeing Hoseok again, but he couldn't quite identify the source this time. Was it that Hoseok thought the break in their friendship didn't matter even though he had been wondering about it for months or even longer until he finally managed to forget about it? "So, you're telling me that you expected me to ditch my best friend because a random guy or girl in math is nice to me? Is that it? Are you even listening to yourself, Hoseok?"

"You don't fucking understand any of it, that's why I'm asking you to just let it be. I didn't think that you would stop being my friend, but friendship was not what I wanted." Suddenly, the black eyes focused on him, gaze intense and overwhelming, before Hoseok sighed and reached for his Coke, emptying it.

_He didn't want to be your friend? That was hard to miss, wasn't it?_

"Ouch," he murmured and chuckled to overplay the fact that the memory affected him more than he wanted to let on. "I realized that you didn't want to be my friend, Hoseok. After all, you stopped talking to me and when I begged you not to treat me like that you just turned around and walked off, not giving a single shit. But if you were afraid of rejection, then how does pushing the person away make it any better? It fucking hurt while you seemed fine, so maybe rejection wasn't all that scary to you in the first place."

When he looked at Hoseok he recognized the sped-up breaths and how the other man's fists pressed into the pillow he was hugging.

"What do you mean, fine? I pushed you away, I did, I was fucking terrified. I know it's not an excuse, I'm sorry that I hurt you, but while you were having fun I was suffering watching you with… with other people. So why didn't you do the same thing when I pushed you away? No, don't answer, it was fifteen years ago, it doesn't even make sense that we are talking about this right now. Just know that I'm dreaming about this shit every second day because of this unexpected reunion, so no, I wasn't fine, but I should be fine now, so let me be fucking fine." Hoseok inhaled and threw his head back, baring his neck and not letting him look into the other man's eyes.

"But you're not," he whispered even before he could formulate anything else, hands shaking around his wine glass and applying too much pressure. Hoseok didn't make any sense. He sounded like he expected Hyungwon to forget about the one person he cared about and just find somebody new like other people exchange underwear. "You're not fucking fine because you still can't look at me and seem scared, but I can't tell what it is that you are scared of. You say that you were scared of rejection? Then what the hell made you decide that I wasn't? What do you think I was, some asshole that exchanges people like clothes? You suffered seeing me with other people? Doing what? Laughing? I didn't do shit with other people, Hoseok. I was close to you and when it went too far you freaked out and decided that you’d explored enough."

"Exploring? That's what it was for you? Well, makes sense, I guess." Hoseok threw the pillow to the side and reached behind himself, pulling out his wallet to pay for their drinks.

Hyungwon wanted to choke him, to scratch the expression off his face and make him take back those words that hurt so much he couldn't help shaking.

"Fucking asshole," he whispered and blinked to compose himself and stop being obvious. He almost threw over the rest of the wine and forced himself to hold onto the table instead, breaths rough because Hoseok managed to rile him up so much that he felt close to tears. "I wanted you to be mine back then, Hoseok. I liked you and tried to be close, but at the same time I didn't say anything and hoped that I wasn't too obvious because I knew that you weren’t fucking gay. Are you happy now? I couldn't help it when you said that you wanted me, but afterwards it was obvious that it was too much, too much for you to pretend that nothing happened. You-"

He swallowed and covered his face with his right hand, holding his breath to stop talking and especially to stop making everything worse.

"You're the only person I feel scared to talk to about being gay, which is ridiculous because you were the one I told everything to. Every fucking thing except for the fact that I liked you." His body shook, making his eyes burn and Hyungwon didn't dare to remove his hand from his face. "Shit- I need to go home."

He heard Hoseok put a bill on the table and stand up from the couch, walking around the table and stopping right in front of him.

"You liked me? It's been fifteen years and I still can't believe it, funny, right? Maybe something is wrong with my brain, you should check," Hoseok whispered and wrapped his fingers around his arm. "I loved you so much. I couldn't think about anybody else and I didn't know what to do, every smile and every bit of attention that you gave somebody else made me furious because I saw that I couldn't compare. You were always so confident, open minded and then there was me. I loved you so much that looking at you now reminds me of how fucking terrible it was letting go back then. How I just decided to let go. Like an idiot." Tugging at his arm, the other man easily made him stand up. "I'll drive you home."

_Now that you cracked it seems so easy for him to use the word you avoided._

Hyungwon stumbled after Hoseok, wiping over his face and knowing for certain that he didn't want to go home right now. Maybe he finally understood why Hoseok felt the need to run but being surrounded by the empty walls of his apartment wasn't what he needed right now.

"Just drive me back to work," he whispered before climbing into the car and wrapping his arms around himself. He still didn't understand. Even if Hoseok had been in love with him back then, how could he even think about pushing him away like that? Hyungwon wouldn't have been able to, not even for a day and especially not after being so close. Remembering hurt because it mattered so much to him, even if Hoseok had been tipsy when he told him that he wanted him.

"But why did you?" he asked and closed his eyes, listening to Hoseok buckling up and starting the engine. "Why the hell did you let go if you loved me so much? You were the only one I cared about and the only one I was with. I know you never believed me when I told you I was inexperienced, but I was."

"I don't want to drive you back to work, so tell me where else you want to go." The car stayed in place and Hoseok waited for him to say something. "I was in pain because of my own thoughts and insecurities and thought it would get worse and worse. I- didn't think about whether you had experience. I just felt like an idiot wanting so much from you all by myself. Listen… I was wrong to hurt you, I am sorry for your pain, that you thought it was because… because I didn't like what happened. But I did. I wanted it so much. But- the only reason I told you now is because it looks as if I still hurt you, I told you in the hope that I won't anymore."

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth and stared straight ahead, scratching over the fabric of his jeans with his fingers absentmindedly because the conversation was much heavier than his exhausted mind seemed prepared for.

"I want you to drive me back in time," he whispered eventually and opened his eyes, daring to look at the man next to him. "So that I can slap you real hard. If you don't want to hurt me, then stop rejecting me for no reason. Things are different now, Hoseok. You're married, I have a boyfriend, there's no reason for you to treat me this way. You're happy, aren't you? Then why is it so terrible to get close to me? That's what you were afraid of, isn't it? You're still afraid of rejection. I won't reject you, I'm just so fucking glad that I know what went wrong."

"I still don't know what went wrong," the other man's low voice whispered before he turned off the engine and stepped out, walking around and opening the door on his side. The dark gaze was different, but it still contained something that was inherently Hoseok. "I missed you," the low voice whispered.

_You were both cowards._

Hyungwon stared, unable to reply at first as he looked at the face of the man in front of him, his best friend but at the same time somebody he was getting to know all over from scratch.

"I missed you too, Hoseok," he replied truthfully and took a deep breath before stretching out his hand, expecting the other man to grasp it and pull him out.

The delicate fingers wrapped around his and Hoseok pulled him out, not as rough as he could've been, but as soon as he was out, the muscular arms hugged him so tightly that he didn't get enough air.

Hyungwon smiled at that and hugged back, burying his face in the muscular neck while still trying to make sense of the situation. He didn't know what it all meant and how he was going to think about Hoseok's words the next day, but right now, embracing the other man and knowing that their feelings had been mutual back then, Hyungwon felt relieved somehow.

Because no matter how much time had passed, he still missed him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 4

It was Friday evening and for once he was home to see his wife with her eyes open.

“You came home pretty late yesterday. Was it interesting? What colleague is it?” Yura asked as she poured a glass of wine for him and sat on the leather couch, legs crossed.

_You can tell her that it’s a friend from high school._

“It’s the neurosurgeon I work with, Hyungwon Chae, we were friends in high school, but haven’t seen each other for like fifteen years, so we had a bit to catch up on.” It sounded reasonable and it wasn’t a lie either. The wine relaxed him and the thoughts from the night before and that he had during the day didn’t seem as bad anymore. Maybe Namjoon was right, talking about it resolved the misunderstanding and he only dreamt a brief memory that wasn’t all that scary anymore.

_Do you think he looked at those pictures? Because they kind of show that you were a little obsessed with him back in the day._

“Oh, I want to get to know him too! Please invite him over tomorrow evening, we can have a drink together. I would really like that because people around here are either weird stay at home moms who don’t understand how I can work full time and have kids without asking about you, or they are simply borderline strange. I just want to see some people I don’t work with, but who I can talk to like a proper human and preferably about non-legal stuff.” Yura grinned and pulled up her nightgown, crossing her legs. She had pretty legs.

_Inviting him over is a bit… too much, isn’t it?_

“Ah, I don’t know. Isn’t it weird to immediately invite him here?”

“Why? Areum said you met him while jogging and if it’s the same guy you went to the gym with then you definitely met often enough outside of work to hang out. Come on, Hoseok. You usually think things are way more awkward than they actually are. He will be happy and the kids will only stay up for like thirty minutes or something before going to bed anyway, so it shouldn’t be a problem at all. I want to meet somebody who knew you before I did.”

_What? Why?_

“I will definitely not invite him if you're going to ask him stuff from back then. I really don’t like thinking about that time, I was thin, insecure and made mistakes all the time, so let’s just leave it be, okay? Development is key.” Hoseok drank more of the wine and sat next to Yura, letting the short woman wrap around him, fingers slowly traveling up his thigh, squeezing it.

“It’s like a stone. You’re my Greek statue,” his wife murmured and chuckled before leaning in and placing a kiss on his shoulder. “I won’t ask him if you don’t like it. I just need some company that doesn’t consist of complete strangers wanting me to help them save their ass. I liked your colleagues back in Bern, so I thought if you went out with somebody, he must be a good candidate. Is he married?”

_He is not, but he is in a relationship._

“He has a boyfriend I think. But I’ve never seen him. Should I invite both? I don’t know. I don’t want to have people I have no idea about in my house.” Hoseok chewed on his cheek and tried to imagine what Hyungwon’s boyfriend might be like. Probably popular too, hot, and doing all those things the other man liked, like…

_Why would you care what they do in their spare time?_

“Then just invite him, it’s enough. We can get some tasty sushi and drink white wine, awesome idea, right?” Yura squeezed his bicep to get his attention and waited for him to nod in agreement.

_Is it okay to have him here?_

He didn’t even know if the other man would agree, so maybe he was having too many thoughts and worries like his wife liked to say. Their talk from yesterday still lingered and how he admitted to missing being next to the other man. It was different, he knew that it was, that had been the reason for confrontation. He knew that he had been hopelessly in love and exceptionally stupid, but now was a different story and he kept hurting the person he had hurt before. He had no right, so they needed to talk it out which they did.

_Just that you still react so intensely to him being sad. Is it because you know that you hurt him?_

Hoseok didn’t know for sure, but he was thirty-five, he was married and had two children and an amazing time-consuming job. Meeting his best friend from back then, a friend he had been in love with back then didn’t mean anything. It only meant that it was time to get over the things from the past and move on, making the best out of the sudden reunion.

_He said he wanted to be close because you were important to him._

Hyungwon had always been important. Important enough to be scared of the impact it could have now that they met again.

_He didn’t understand that you weren’t scared of him but of yourself._

_

Hoseok stood in front of the familiar office door and inhaled sharply before knocking as usual and trying to persuade himself that it was normal to invite a colleague for an evening at his house, but there was definitely something about it that he didn’t like. He just couldn’t figure out what it was.

_Something isn’t right._

“Are you busy?” He asked, even though it was obvious that Dr. Chae was busy. He hadn't had a chance to breathe since four in the morning.

The other man looked up, face exhausted but a smile appeared on his lips nevertheless. There were a bunch of documents on the dark brown desk, so Dr. Chae must have been trying to catch up on the paperwork that only increased with each additional emergency.

"Right now, in general or in the near future?" the low voice asked him, followed by a chuckle and a glance at the clock on the wall. "I planned on getting a cup of coffee in about fifteen minutes. You're welcome to join."

“I have a pre-anesthesia talk with a spinal cord injury patient. But- I wanted to briefly ask something.”

_Just say it and tell him he doesn’t need to come._

“Yura wanted to get some sushi and wine this evening and I wanted to ask if you want to join. You don’t have to of course, but your schedule says you’re free starting at nine, so I took a chance. No pressure.” He stepped back and left the door open to go back because the other man looked fucking exhausted and he kind of regretted asking.

"I'd love to," Hyungwon replied, catching him off guard by agreeing so easily and observing him from his spot behind his desk. "I'd… really like to meet your family and I'm a little surprised that you're willing to have me there. I know we talked about this and all, but I'm aware that I don't magically become your best friend only because we were fond of each other."

_Fond of each other._

Hoseok stared for a few seconds, unsure what to say. “Is it weird that I invited you? Then please don’t come.”

"What? It's not weird at all, rather the opposite," the other man elaborated as his eyes widened a little. Hoseok wasn't quite used to looking at them yet, realizing that they hadn't changed much, still big, brown and expressive. "I just didn't expect you to… let me in, I guess. I thought I might have to fight more."

Sighing, Hyungwon stood up and took something out of one of his drawers, making his way towards Hoseok and placing a small USB stick into his palm. It was his.

"I thought I'd return the favor. It's the pictures that I took, but- you might want to make sure your kids don't see them."

It was his turn to stare as he wrapped his fingers around the small object as if everything that compromised the world was recorded on it. “Why would you have to fight to get into my house? I just bought it, so I’m not even attached yet.” Swallowing, he chewed on his bottom lip and thought about what kind of pictures were on the small USB stick and that he definitely shouldn’t look at them in the office and preferably not when Yura or the kids were around. “Are they… pictures that I don’t have?”

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, but his mouth corners still lifted in a smile, just enough for Hoseok to tell. "You've never seen them."

_Could be anything._

“O-okay.” Suddenly he wasn’t sure that he wanted to see them and at the same time the curiosity was killing him. “Would you give me your number? I don’t want to send you anything on your work phone.”

Hyungwon nodded and returned to his desk to grab a sticky note and write a few digits on it before sticking it right below Hoseok's name tag.

"Concerning why I thought I'd have to fight more… are you telling me that I didn't have to fight to get you to look at me? I consider that a fight, cornering you in a restroom and all."

_You still have trouble looking at him, actually. Maybe it’s still because of the memories and you just need to get used to it. To somehow accept the fact that your memories are not consistent with reality of that time._

“It’s strange,” he murmured, gesturing between them. “This.”

Inhaling deeply, he took the note and walked to the door. “I’ll text you the address. Just write back when you’re on your way.”

_

_He kissed you._

He stared at the first picture, unwilling to scroll further because his response was immediate. It felt shocking but at the same time somehow like a betrayal. Why didn’t Hyungwon tell him? Why did he do it when he was asleep, while Hoseok had wanted it so much and only managed when he was tipsy, telling the pink-haired boy from back then that he wanted him more than anything. And now…

_It’s okay. You wanted that._

Exhaling unnecessary emotional baggage, he realized was still there, even after their talk, Hoseok finally decided to scroll further, gasping because it was a video showing Hyungwon’s soft features, his eyes wide open and lips parted, kissing along his thigh. His own face wasn’t on it, and he could vaguely remember how his best friend thought it was ‘fun’ to take videos of how he was teasing him in every possible way. One could say the same about the other pictures and videos that made him hold his breath and sometimes re-watch, feeling the heat spread in his body.

_What are you doing, Hoseok?_

A glance between his legs was enough to stop looking at the contents of the USB stick.

_He knew what he was putting on there. But he probably didn’t think it would have that effect. You’re the one with the strange reaction._

Inhaling and feeling angry at himself all of a sudden, he pulled the stick out and locked it in his top drawer, because Areum definitely didn’t touch that one. Remembering that he had left his phone in the kitchen he almost went out, but leaned back instead, trying to think about the complicated tumor removal surgery they had scheduled for Monday. His bodily reactions were going places and he hoped to get it under control in a few minutes.

_It’s not that it’s strange in general. It’s strange that you feel like that now._

He sighed, tired of the continuous circle of the same thoughts and glanced between his legs once again. It was okay, so he stood up and walked back to the kitchen, looking at his phone and finding a message from Hyungwon dated twenty minutes ago. Oh well. Informing his wife who was out getting some wine and fresh sushi, he went to check whether the kids were still sleeping like they should be at 10 p.m. and arrived downstairs just in time to hear the bell.

_It’s him._

Feeling a bit out of it because of the pictures, he walked to the entrance and buzzed the other man through the garden gate, opening the door and observing how he looked around on his way to the main entrance.

Hyungwon was dressed less formally than at work and Hoseok needed a moment or two to realize that the sight was unusual because he hadn't seen the other man in anything but work wear and running wear. Well, and no wear at the sauna.

_But you forced yourself not to look after you knew who he was._

The other man wore tight black jeans that hugged his legs and were covered in rips along his thighs and knees. Instead of a white button down as he usually wore at work, Hyungwon's torso was covered by a black silk shirt with patterns that were transparent enough to tell that the fabric wasn't anywhere close to his waist. The dressing style was familiar, much more so than anything else Hoseok had seen the other man wear until now.

"The house is gorgeous. You're really using your money well, Hoseok," Hyungwon remarked when he finally reached the door and smiled at him. He had brought pralines. "Maybe you were right about me going abroad. The thought of being bound to one place by a house freaks me out."

_Aaand now you want to hit him._

He was thankful that Yura wasn't back yet and he didn't have to control his facial expressions.

"I had a house in Bern too. I sold it," he commented and opened the door wide for Hyungwon to come in even though he wanted to close it. "I think I would've recognized you if you had worn something like that instead of the sportswear."

"Ah-" Hyungwon tugged at the silk shirt before smiling briefly. "That's because I just came from a date. I usually dress for work only, because that's where I end up most of the time, no matter where I started out."

Handing him the chocolate, the tall man instantly looked around, seemingly fascinated. The way those brown eyes glanced in his direction once in a while told him that his dissatisfaction hadn't gone unnoticed.

"I mean it though; the house is beautiful. Just because I'm incapable of having one doesn't mean that I can't appreciate what's beautiful. Did you buy it finished or was it built to your specifications?"

"It was already built, but it's indeed pretty neat. Want to have a look?" Hoseok placed the pralines on the kitchen counter and glanced at Hyungwon. "I hope you had fun on your date. I should've asked to bring your boyfriend along, but I haven't seen him and, yeah, sorry."

"Don't worry about it. He barely has any time, too busy keeping his body in form and having straight men drool over how good he looks." Chuckling, Hyungwon grinned widely and made his way to one of the gigantic windows, fascinated by how well one could see the garden. "Please show me around. This is like paradise and I can't believe you spend so much time at work."

_Keeping his body in form, huh?_

"If he's that hot, you must be so happy," he commented, unable to hide his sarcasm as he walked up the stairs to the open living room before glancing at the rooms upstairs and deciding to show them apart from the ones where Areum and Riku were sleeping. "Me being at work has nothing to do with the place I'm coming back to," he whispered to not wake the kids up and gestured at the office, the kid’s rooms and the bedroom with the open door.

"I know," Hyungwon whispered, adapting to how quietly he was speaking. "I'm also not at work because I don't like my apartment, but because I like work."

Taking a look inside the bedroom and the office, the other man nodded to show that he saw it and held onto the railing of the stairs while observing him for a few moments. Again, Hoseok was met with intense eye contact, as if the other man was trying to see more than was there.

"I'm happy because he doesn't force me to choose between work and him, not because he's hot."

_Great._

"I'm happy that you can have a relationship apart from work, it's very valuable," he forced himself to say as he avoided eye contact because he really didn't feel like looking at the familiar face that he just saw doing all kinds of things. To him. "Let's go down, Yura should be back soon." Hoseok suddenly hoped for his wife to arrive.

"Can't wait to meet her," Hyungwon replied, but the way Hoseok felt stared at on his way down told him that the other man wasn't quite satisfied with his answer. "Will the kids hear us if we're too loud downstairs?"

"What… are you planning to do?" he asked and cleared his throat. "But no, it's so well insulated that they don't hear anything even if there's a party down here."

"Ehm- talk?" Hyungwon laughed suddenly before covering his mouth for the remaining few steps until they arrived downstairs. "Or did you have other things in mind? I'm sure you had a good reason to have nicely soundproof rooms."

The other man was obviously teasing him, a playful smile in place as he followed him to the living room.

"Mhm. I wake up at five and come back at midnight and sometimes I have to go in the middle of the night, so it's good to have well insulated rooms. This way my family doesn't have to suffer from my crazy schedule." When they arrived in the kitchen, Hoseok pulled himself up on the counter as he liked doing and glanced towards the door, hoping for Yura to come home and add to the conversation.

_They will probably get along well._

"Makes sense," Hyungwon murmured and leaned against the part of the counter next to him, head thrown back as he examined the gorgeous lamp that Yura had chosen. "That's why I live alone. Our schedules are a mess and barely compatible, so I prefer to let him sleep instead of forcing him to deal with my nightly calls. In addition, you should see his apartment. It's covered in workout equipment and I barely fit between the treadmill and the lifting machine."

"I guess that's how I would live if I didn't have a family and worked 80 hours a week. But do you like living alone?" Hoseok wanted to offer the other man something, but Yura said that the wine had to fit the sushi, so he had to wait.

"Honestly? No." Chewing on his bottom lip, Hyungwon sighed before pulling himself up on the kitchen counter too and letting their thighs touch. Hoseok couldn't tell if the tall man didn't realize or it just didn't matter to him. "I don't like living alone, but it's the best option at the moment. I work a lot and everything else is selfish I think. I watch some YouTube videos when I feel lonely." A laugh followed, but it didn't sound like Hyungwon considered the situation very funny.

"Well…" Hoseok really didn't mean to talk about it, but the other man's honesty took him by surprise and he just said what he thought right at that moment. "There are people living with me in my home, but everybody is sleeping when I get up and everybody's sleeping when I come home, so I'm like the house ghost. Apart from weekends, then I try to be present so hard that my kids tell me to go back to work. It's not the same as with you, but I do think about it. However, every time I tried to reduce working time … it just makes me unhappy. I need the adrenaline and I need being on call and I need all that. That's the problem. It's not that somebody is forcing me. It's me."

"That's what I meant by having to choose. Some of my previous partners had less demanding jobs and got hurt by my absence, concluding that I don't love them enough to work less. I don't know, maybe I didn't." Shifting briefly, Hyungwon wiggled his legs. "But no matter who asks me to choose I still choose work. I haven't chosen differently even once, so I'm glad when I don't have to, even if it's lonely sometimes."

"This might sound strange, but I think that you're awesome. You're an insanely talented surgeon. Your hands… even if I really want to hit you sometimes, they are simply magic. The hospital is lucky to have somebody like you and all those sacrifices… I guess it's insensitive of me to say, but in my opinion they're worth it because you're special and you're doing everything to use your talent." He chewed on his cheek and glanced at Hyungwon's hand that rested on top of the other man's lean thigh, fingers slipping into one of the bigger rips.

"Thank you, really. I think about it sometimes, whether I'm making all those sacrifices for a greater cause, but I'm not sure that I'm that selfless. I think it's about the way it makes me feel." Smiling, the other man lifted his hand from his thigh and glanced at his long fingers briefly before slipping them back into the ripped fabric. "It's fulfilling and feels right."

Hoseok wanted to say that he felt the same about his job, but he heard the sound of keys and jumped from the counter, feeling like it wasn't a position he should be in when Yura came home. "I guess we're getting wine and food," he murmured as he walked to the door and opened it, taking the two bags from his wife's hands. "I was a bit late telling you, he's already here, I was- looking at some stuff for work."

_For work…_

Yura just smiled brightly and told him how she saw the guy kill the salmon right in front of her eyes and immediately walked to Hyungwon, stretching out her small hand.

"Hi, I'm Yura, nice to meet you! I'm so excited to meet someone that Hoseok has known for a long time."

The tall man instantly smiled and shook his wife's hand, making it disappear in his own as he introduced himself.

"I've met your children before, but I'm glad that now I've the opportunity to get to know you too. Hoseok told me that you met during an emergency, but didn't elaborate on what exactly happened, so I'm curious to find out." Observing Hyungwon from the side, Hoseok saw the same qualities that he remembered. There was no difficulty in communicating, in showing his charm and smiling at the right moments.

_It's so easy for him._

He unpacked the food and opened the wine, listening to the conversation next to him and occasionally glancing in the direction of his wife and best friend from high school times.

"He doesn't talk much, right? I bet he also didn't say that I asked him to invite you because I was really curious. Regarding our fateful meeting, I was in a bad car accident and he was doing emergency medicine, so let's say he saved my life. I heard you're a neurosurgeon, so you must be working together a lot." Gesturing for the tall man to come along, his wife sat down on the leather couch and crossed her legs, smiling at Hyungwon.

"We do, anesthesia is crucial, especially during conscious surgery which I prefer. I'm sure he left an impression by saving your life then, that's difficult to forget." The other man was smiling too and got comfortable, leaning back and also crossing his legs as if he was mirroring Yura's posture. "I wouldn't necessarily say that Hoseok is quiet though. It depends on the topic, or maybe I think that because of work. You're right that he didn't tell me it was your idea though. I actually thought he decided to catch up some more, but I stand corrected."

Brown eyes met his after the comment and Hyungwon held eye contact for a few seconds before returning his attention to Yura.

_Did he think that you would want to hang around and drink wine with your family and your best friend from high school who you fancied but it was also long ago and nobody really knew about it?_

Smiling, he brought the glasses and the wine before going back and getting the sushi and chopsticks. "I hope that you like white wine," he commented and felt like talking was a waste of time because he couldn't say anything meaningful anyway.

"You saw me drink it before, didn't you?" Hyungwon replied before chuckling and telling Yura that he rarely drank anything except for cocktails, so he was going to trust their expertise on the quality of the wine.

"To be honest I'm super exhausted from the week, so I won't hold out for long, so you will have some time to catch up without me." Yura grinned and took her chopsticks, grabbing a nigiri because she liked those the most. "But is it weird to meet after such a long time?"

Hoseok stared at the couch, unsure where to sit, before simply taking the chair and taking his glass to fill it with wine. It felt better after he took a sip and stole glances at Hyungwon. "It is a bit weird because so many things happened in between. I guess we just need some time to get used to the fact that we're different people now." He smiled at Yura and took a piece of sushi. "But it might be different for Hyungwon, I don't know."

The other man glanced up at him, sliding his index finger over the edge of the glass the way he had at the wine bar. Hyungwon didn't reply immediately, probably contemplating his reply.

"One might call it weird, although that doesn't do it justice I think."

_Doesn't do it justice?_

"Oh? How so?" Yura took a sip of her wine and took another piece of nigiri, chewing and looking satisfied.

Again, Hyungwon hesitated, delaying the time that he had to reply by taking a sip of his wine and following it up with a maki that he chewed on carefully.

"Let's say that there are always reasons for why people ended up not staying in contact and the question is whether those reasons remain or disappear while people develop away from each other. There is a lot to catch up on, but it's also not a given that catching up will bridge the time." The other man smiled and took another sip. "I guess that is what I mean. Are you still close to some of your high school acquaintances, Yura?"

Hoseok stared while his wife elaborated on her relationship with her friends and wondered what Hyungwon meant. Did the other man think that they couldn't bridge the time and become close or was it the other way around? Hoseok drank more of the wine, thinking about the point in time when their friendship had turned into more.

_It's hard to tell isn't it?_

"I guess people don't need to bridge the time if they were happy and content before. Then it's just an addition, a nostalgic encounter that just highlights the development one went through." The bottle was empty, so he stood up to get the second one. He wondered when Yura would go up because her tolerance usually didn't exceed one and a half glasses.

"That depends on the circumstances under which one parted." Hyungwon must have waited for him to return to reply as he turned to Yura with a smile afterwards and commented on how nice it was that she kept her friendships and how difficult it must be to keep in touch while living in different cities.

"I'm not sure," he murmured and asked Yura a meaningless question about one of her colleagues that she stayed in touch with even after moving to Zurich. His wife drank the rest of the wine and put her glass on the coffee table, shifting to the edge of the couch and catching Hyungwon's gaze.

"My eyes are falling shut, so I'll leave you two to catch up some more and will go up. I hope that you liked the food and it was a pleasure meeting you. Please come by more often if you find time. And thank you for the chocolate. I love that brand." Yura smiled brightly and squeezed Hyungwon's shoulder briefly, before turning to him and placing a kiss on his cheek.

"Good night," he said before his wife stood up and made her way towards the stairs.

Hyungwon smiled as Yura excused herself and only when his wife disappeared from view, did the other man suck his lips into his mouth and threw his head back, looking at the ceiling.

"She's lovely," the low voice commented eventually before Hyungwon sat up straight and looked at him again. "I wouldn't call it weird, because it's not. It just feels wrong, because back then I was convinced that I'd see all of this first hand instead of getting a quick summary about how your life went while I was convinced that you hated me."

The words made him want to drink, so he did, savoring the fruity taste in his mouth as he thought about what to reply to that.

"Did you think about me? I don't mean the time in school when it was still relevant, I meant later. Did you think about what I might be doing?" he asked. "Because life went so well for you, you're successful and you said you had relationships in between and you're happy, so why would you, right? So why is it different now? Because you suddenly saw my face and I was being an asshole to you again?"

"Funny that you ask, because I did." Hyungwon sighed and brushed through his hair before pulling his legs on the couch and arranging them below his body. "I never really knew why you stopped talking to me, so of course it bothered me. I thought about whether you got over it, what you might be doing. Whether you still hate me for what happened or whether you changed and felt bad for treating me that way. I thought about it, but it didn't hurt that much anymore. But you're right, meeting you and having you treat me like that all over again brought the hurt back."

"But if you're being fair, a lot of time passed between back then and now and I… I didn't do anything explicitly. I just couldn't look at you. I understand now that it must've felt bad after what happened. I didn't know that it was meaningful to you, so I thought you would drown the feeling with somebody else." Hoseok stood up and took the bottle, walking around the table and stopping next to Hyungwon to pour him more wine. Hoseok was tipsy but somehow, it felt better than dealing with those things sober.

"I keep wondering what the hell was going on in your head back then and why I wasn't able to tell. I mean- I was in love with you and tried my best not to be obvious, but you seemed to be convinced that I was easily replacing one person with another. Of course, it hurts when you see somebody after fifteen years and they still avoid you, somebody you were in love with and that stopped talking to you after sleeping with you." Taking a deep breath, Hyungwon reached for his glass and took a bigger sip than before. "Is that what you did in the end? Drown the feeling with somebody else, making sure you don't see my face anymore?"

Hoseok wanted to go back to his spot, but the words caught him off guard, so he placed the wine bottle back on the table and turned around.

"I was alone for seven years," he commented quietly and chuckled. "I didn't drown the feeling because I couldn't. What I did was to move all those pictures, my jealousy and my feelings for you into that folder, sure that you were easily able to forget me and whatever it was that was between us. I thought that worked and to be honest, I only occasionally… looked through the memories that stayed and it was okay because I imagined you being as cheerful and popular as always. And just a small addition because you seem to misunderstand. I didn't react like that because we had sex. I reacted like that because I couldn't take the feeling of not being enough." Sighing, he walked a few steps and sat on the other end of the couch, moving his glass in front of himself.

"Great," Hyungwon whispered next to him, but it sounded resigned. "Now we both know that we thought wrong."

The other man leaned back, sinking into the pillow and wrapped both of his hands around his wine glass. Those big eyes seemed to stare at nothing in particular for a few moments until they finally focused on him.

"What made you think that you weren't enough, Hoseok? Especially… that night."

_That night…_

He preferred to take a sip of his drink instead of elaborating, but something told him that the other man wouldn't let him stay silent. Worse case he was risking getting a question that caused even more discomfort.

"Because I saw that you wanted somebody else. I- saw you before I started drinking and I knew that you only… had sex with me because I begged." He chuckled and covered his face, rubbing his eyes and feeling like running away again.

Instead of letting it be, Hoseok felt the other man's eyes on his face, staring until the weight on the couch shifted and Hyungwon moved closer instead of keeping the space that he had tried to establish.

"Bullshit," the low voice muttered and there wasn't an ounce of sarcastic amusement left. "I thought that I couldn’t have you because you were straight and felt bad for seducing you all the time. I thought that if I got it out of my system it wouldn’t be that bad for you anymore. I- I was fucking happy when you told me that you wanted me. You didn't even have to beg, Hoseok. I thought you hated me for taking advantage of you, using the fact that you were drunk. It hurt so much when I woke up and you were gone."

"I was hurt and angry. You didn't take advantage of me. It was the only time I allowed myself to just say it because I felt like I was going insane. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I never thought I would. I just… want you to know that it wasn't because of that night. Not because of what happened in your room. You can be sure that you didn't do anything wrong and get over it, I guess." Drinking more and feeling how tipsy he was getting, maybe now was the right time to confront Hyungwon about the kiss.

"I hate you for kissing me without telling me," he whispered.

"I-" Hyungwon seemed surprised by the comment, shifting again and emptying his glass of wine before he placed it back on the table. "I was too scared to do it when you were awake, but I wanted it too much to refrain. Your sleep was always deep and the one time you woke up, I thought I was going to die of fear. You know, everything else kind of qualified as fooling around and trying out, mutual pleasure and all, but kissing- I couldn't explain that, so I didn't even try."

"It's betrayal," Hoseok whispered and licked over his lips. "I thought I crossed a boundary when I kissed you that night. I thought I was weird for wanting that. But oh well, funny how we keep talking about the past even though it's not - relevant to the here and now."

"It is, because it influences the way you treat me in the here and now." Hyungwon sighed and pulled his legs up to his chest, calf brushing over Hoseok's thigh in the process. "I'm sorry for kissing you, but even though I apologize I don't think I would have been able to stay away back then. I felt too much when I did it, funny that I still remember it so well."

_Maybe you would remember it too if he involved you._

"Thank you for depriving me of that experience and enjoying it all by yourself." It was time to pour himself more wine, so he leaned forward and filled his and Hyungwon's glass with the rest. "I will try to change the way I act towards you. Tell me your expectations."

"Hoseok-" Hyungwon sighed and reached out to tug at his arm, causing him to look at the other man's face. The wine had added color to his cheeks and lips, but the big eyes seemed dark in the ambient lighting. "I thought you wouldn't stay next to me if you knew. Can you really blame me if you confirmed that fear in the end?"

"I didn't confirm it. I acted that way because I thought you were just playing around and I couldn't take it because it wasn't playing for me, there were so many thoughts and feelings that I had. However, now, it's not relevant. Now, the only relevant thing is how you want me to treat you so you won't be hurt anymore." He kept his gaze on the big eyes and shifted on the couch, chewing on his bottom lip and tasting the fruity remains of the wine.

"I'd like it if you felt at ease around me," Hyungwon replied and the sensation of warmth on his arm remained as the other man hadn't pulled back. "You keep saying that the past doesn't matter, but why are you still so uncomfortable? What do I have to do to make this easier for you, Hoseok?"

_Maybe you should stop drinking if you have to be on call for him tomorrow._

Right. Pushing his glass away from himself he leaned back, head buried in the soft pillow on top of the backrest.

"But am I really uncomfortable?" he thought out loud. "What makes you think that I am?"

"You drink more, your muscles contract depending on what I say and you prefer not to look at me." Hyungwon said it without hesitation and the other man's fingers stroked over the whole length of his arm before disappearing. "Unless we embrace."

_That felt nice._

"But maybe it's not as dramatic as you make it seem. I don't look at you because it's easier to keep my thoughts focused, my muscles contract because I am a human and I drink more because I can today. I don't want to make any mistakes and my memories of you are pretty unsuitable to the way I should treat you now, so it takes time to adjust. You're a different person now. And maybe I am too." He smiled and turned his head to look at Hyungwon.

There was a hint of a smile in return as the other man nodded and simply rested his head on top of his shoulder, dark hair tickling his neck.

"Maybe you're right and it's just my expectations speaking. I guess my own memories haven't adjusted to the fact that I can speak to you without you turning around and treating me like air. But we're not children anymore. Even if you make a mistake in the way you treat me, we can talk about it and apologize, can't we? There's no need to keep silent."

"I don't look at you because of your lip mole," he murmured and regretted it instantly, body tensing up and holding his breath.

"Huh?" Hyungwon lifted his head from his shoulder and looked at him, eyes wide without Hoseok needing to look properly to know. "But… why?"

_Have fun explaining._

"Because- I guess I stared at it a lot when you slept so it's weird to see it now." When he looked to the side and saw the said mole, he really wanted to turn away, but lifted his gaze and looked into Hyungwon's eyes. "Your boyfriend must like it," he added for no reason at all.

"I think he likes my mouth independent of the mole," the other man replied, but a smile had spread his lips, as if he was glad about Hoseok's reply instead of considering it weird. "But I understand what you mean. I have something similar, but I guess it's easier for me. I always brushed over the curve of your nose bridge and your curled mouth corners, so if I did it now, I'd probably feel strange too."

The conversation went in an unexpected direction.

"That's great for him. And it's great that you don't feel weird now. I just wanted to mention it because you were concerned about me not looking at your face. There's nothing bad about it. More wine? You're free tomorrow, so you can drink." Hoseok used the silence to escape the body contact and poured some more wine for Hyungwon, staring at his own glass and wondering whether he should just drink it so it wouldn't go to waste.

"But I planned on recovering and not rolling around in bed with a hangover. Monday will be a challenge." As if he remembered about the shift, Hyungwon suddenly reached out for his arm again, holding on loosely. "Will you be fine with being on call? Wine, on call duty and exhaustion are a shit mixture."

_No wine then._

"I'll be fine," he murmured and leaned back, turning to look at the familiar but different face consciously this time. The big eyes, blushed cheeks and thick lips were the same, but there was less softness in the features, Hyungwon looked more like a man now. Before he had something childish, maybe even a bit feminine, but now he was a very handsome man, still looking younger than his age. Quite some time must have passed because Hyungwon stared at him.

_Did you freak him out?_

Hoseok licked his lips and cleared his throat.

"You must be exhausted too. I can't drive you home, but I can get you a taxi if you like," he murmured.

Hyungwon shook his head and smiled at him, mouth corners lifting up as fingers narrowed around his arm without applying too much pressure.

"I like it when you look at me," the other man commented and brushed some loose strands away from his forehead before leaning a little closer. Brown eyes travelled over his features until they settled on his own, holding the gaze.

"Did you miss me?" Hyungwon asked suddenly.

His heart beat seemed to be knocking on his consciousness to get a grip, but his eyes were glued to the person in front of him, the big brown eyes, the bright smile on the thick lips and now black strands covering the pretty forehead.

The rush of adrenaline was sudden, but at the same time familiar, the way he knew it from back then when the long fingers travelled over his shoulders towards his sides, stomach and thighs, when those big eyes widened and lips parted letting out a shaky exhale, mirroring the way he was feeling. The adrenaline that he searched for all his life and found in his job, the adrenaline he needed, Hyungwon was able to give it to him even after so many years passed.

"Yes," he whispered finally. "So much."

***

A pleasant buzzing filled his mind, a side effect of the wine and the rather emotional topics they were talking about.

_You hoped sometimes, but you never thought that you'd meet him again like this._

Hoseok seemed hesitant, more reluctant to talk about what happened between them back then. A lot of thoughts remained unsaid and even Hyungwon didn't dare to pull them to the surface and let them be scrutinized by their adult selves.

Both of them had made mistakes, had misunderstood each other and quietly suffered with their own feelings until Hoseok must have cracked, deciding that it was better to stay away than to deal with the way their proximity made the other man feel.

_You still remember so much, as if you only needed to decide that you want to._

Hyungwon remembered the way the two of them had spent hours in his bed, talking, laughing and touching each other. He remembered how shy Hoseok had always been, how little he talked unless Hyungwon tickled the information out of him or hugged him tightly. There were some secrets left on both sides, but they had simply let them be, accepting them as part of the friendship without digging too deep.

_Maybe you should have._

Again, it was one of those moments that he thought of the 'what ifs', of other possible ways in which their lives might have developed. Hoseok had stayed alone for a whole seven years until he met his wife, saving her life and creating a bond that must have felt more meaningful than most other ways in which people got to know their significant other. Hyungwon was happy for him, happy that Hoseok had met a beautiful woman that genuinely cares about him, has humor and shows strength of character. It was enjoyable to talk to her and he didn't regret his decision to come visit.

_You're seeing his life the way you wanted to._

Hoseok was letting him in to see, even if his wife had been the initiator. The difference was that seeing it all made the last fifteen years feel so much more real, like a heavy weight that was on his shoulders and that he hadn't been aware of before.

_It reminds you of how much you wanted to be next to him back then._

Hyungwon thought back to the times he had kissed Hoseok in his sleep, how he had leaned over the other boy's handsome face and stroked over his nose bridge first. It was a test to see if he was going to wake up, a sign that he was too scared to do it when both of them were awake, when he had no excuse for his behavior apart from the feelings he had for his best friend.

He remembered the adrenaline that had rushed through his veins as he pressed his lips to each corner of Hoseok's mouth, realizing how soft it was while imagining how different it might be once the other man kissed back.

_So many memories that you kept because they were your first times._

It felt surreal to be sitting on a leather couch next to Hoseok, fifteen years later and knowing that the man next to him had a wife upstairs and Hyungwon had just come from a date with his boyfriend. The wine might have contributed to the feeling, but mostly it was the knowledge that despite the fact that time had passed, Hyungwon still felt at ease next to the other man.

_You're so genuine next to him, because it feels like you can be._

He didn't know if Hoseok felt the same way, but leaning against the warm shoulder, Hyungwon couldn't help but wish for it. He wanted Hoseok to be able to look at him and to talk to him without the need to run and hide, without feeling embarrassed about what happened between them back then.

_Both of you made a mistake, but it's different now._

When Hoseok mentioned his lip mole as the reason for not being able to look at him, Hyungwon resisted the urge to brush over it, testing if one could feel it.

_He only kissed you that one time, so how could that be it?_

There were so many thoughts that both of them must have kept from each other, resulting in the misunderstanding that the end of their friendship had turned into. Hyungwon had been convinced that Hoseok pushed him away because of sex and Hoseok was sure that Hyungwon didn't treasure their relationship and was going to find solace in the arms of somebody else.

The wine loosened his muscles and made him more likely to touch, hands reaching out to wrap around Hoseok's bicep or to stroke over the length of his arm all on their own. The eye contact felt different too, black eyes observing him as if Hoseok decided to really look at him. For the first time since they met again.

_What does he see?_

The expression on the other man's face was so familiar, fascination that made way for shyness as Hoseok licked over his lips and cleared his throat. One might have thought that no time passed, not a single day as Hyungwon leaned a little closer to see it again, to observe how the round, black eyes might widen and Hoseok's lips would part without him getting a single word out.

"I like it when you look at me," he whispered, describing the warmth that joined the alcohol in his body and reminded him of how much he had loved getting close to Hoseok, to wrap his arms around him or to simply brush his lips over the other boy's pale neck.

Color appeared on Hoseok's cheeks, but it could have been the wine. Inhaling through his nose in the hope to catch the scent of lemon, Hyungwon leaned even closer before smiling, realizing that even though Hoseok had avoided looking at his face, it might have been what the other man had wanted to do the most.

"Did you miss me?" he breathed out.

Hoseok didn't look away, not even for a second, eyes jumping from his eyes to his nose and lips before the gaze returned.

"Yes," Hoseok whispered, letting a few seconds pass between them. "So much."

Hyungwon loved the expression so much, the way the words left the other man's lips and remained in the air, as if they belonged there and needed to serve as a reminder.

"Come here," he murmured and reached out to wrap his arms around the broad neck, pulling Hoseok closer and realizing once again that the scent and the feeling were different. Hoseok didn't smell like lemon and he wasn't the slim, hesitant boy that gasped and allowed Hyungwon to do everything he wanted. It wasn't the same, but still embracing the other man made him feel at ease, like time had chosen different feelings to erase. "It feels right."

"You do," he heard the muffled words before Hoseok's muscular arms wrapped around his body, pulling him closer easily. "Don't you think it's strange to feel this way even after so much time has passed?"

"I'm not sure," he replied and thought about it while letting his fingers rake through Hoseok's hair. He still enjoyed it so much, feeling the smooth transition to Hoseok's nape and the curve of his shoulders. "I think it depends on whether one encounters something similar afterwards, an embrace with the same effect."

_You comforted each other so much back then._

But it was different now. Even if he tried to think about it there was nobody that Hyungwon let close enough to be comforted by. It didn't seem like it was necessary. His breakdowns were mostly late at night, after shifts, and there was nobody to see them but him. There was no need to bother Elias because he recovered again, becoming functional in the morning and continuing the way he had before.

_Was it because you were always together back then? Unable to hide weaknesses from each other?_

"I don't think it's about the effect that an embrace has. It's the fact that you're technically a stranger, at least at this time and place you're a colleague from work, but I'm still here hugging you as if it's the most normal thing to do. Do you do this to all your colleagues? Maybe that's the difference between us." Hoseok turned his head a tiny bit and exhaled against his neck.

"Here you are still accusing me of being easy," Hyungwon replied and chuckled right after, not sure how he felt about Hoseok's convictions that bodily contact was meaningless to him. "You're not just a colleague, simply because even if time passed there are things that I know about you. I have expectations because of what my mind and body remember about you and I guess I will have to adjust depending on how much changed, but… this didn't."

_His expression was the same when he looked at you._

"What… what kind of expectations do you have?" Hoseok whispered, swallowing and arms tensing around him before the embrace loosened a bit.

_Is he scared of what you can see on his face?_

"I remember the way your face looked back then, the change in your gaze when you wanted to be close," he murmured, hoping that it wasn't too much honesty at once. He obviously didn't interpret it the same way now, but the wish for comfort must have remained. "You never said it, but I could tell and pulled you close."

"Oh god, you could see that?" Instead of leaning back as previously planned, Hoseok shifted on the couch and pulled him closer. "I guess we were really good friends if you managed to recognize my struggles, because I never felt that it was off."

"Are you trying to tell me that you didn't know when I wasn't okay? For that you were too damn good at appearing in front of my door at the right moments." Hyungwon smiled, suddenly glad that Hoseok didn't push him away. "You also always knew when to hug me and what to say. At the pool… in the sauna. That really got to me."

"Would you like to do it again? Diving, I mean. Or was trying it out once enough?" Somehow the question sounded strange, as if the question was actually about something different.

Hyungwon thought back to the way Hoseok had taken his hand and pulled him out of the water afterwards, holding onto him even though he had been trying to avoid him before that. Even though there had been nothing to establish trust, especially considering that Hoseok had hurt him, Hyungwon had still not doubted that the other man would keep his word.

_Is he asking about diving, but actually wants to hug you?_

"I felt safe with you," he replied instead of digging deeper and drew arbitrary patterns on Hoseok's back with his fingers. The other man was really muscular and it seemed like Hyungwon could apply as much pressure as he liked without really hurting him in the process. "But maybe not in an ice pool because the cold made me panic and lose oxygen."

"Makes sense, but you still didn't tell me about your expectations." Hoseok leaned back, prominent blush covering the usually pale cheeks. The other man licked over his lips and averted his gaze for a few seconds, looking at his hands and playing with his fingers. "Sorry for acting strange. I just need some time to separate memories of the past from the here and now."

_But is it really that different for you?_

"I don't think you're the only one, that's what I meant with expectations," he replied and couldn't help the associations that his mind created because of the way Hoseok acted. Hyungwon had seen the other man be shy so many times, blushing and licking his lips while trying to avert his gaze. His reactions had been different back then, different from simply wrapping his arms around Hoseok. "Do you… want me to help you with your fears too?"

"I don't know. Currently I'm not sure that I'm scared apart from maybe Areum getting her hands on that cursed USB stick. You are really… something else." Again, Hoseok licked his lips and looked to the side, before glancing towards the stairs.

_His kids should definitely not see that._

"Well, I- I thought about filtering some stuff, but in the end, I decided that it was all part of what happened, wasn't it? To be honest, I was more reluctant to share the pictures in which I kiss you because of the way I look at you." This time it was his turn to feel heat in his face because he saw the pictures and videos often enough to know what he was talking about. Back then he had hoped to find something he did wrong, maybe a hint on why Hoseok reacted the way he did. "There are a few hidden files of me blowing you, so those are definitely safe."

_Why is it easier for you to talk about that than about all those pictures of kissing him or the countless shots of your sleeping face that he gave you?_

When he saw those round eyes, wide and a bit shocked, Hoseok looked almost like back then, the same expression and how his mouth parted after his eyes reached a certain size. "You what… why would you have videos like that?!" Exhaling sharply the other man lifted his small hands to his face and rubbed over his eyes. "Even though the kiss picture is evidence of betrayal, I really like it. I like it the most."

_He does?_

Hyungwon hummed and decided against telling Hoseok that he wasn't the only one who experienced betrayal, especially considering that Hyungwon had tried to talk to his best friend back then and solve the issue, only to be pushed away.

_But he likes the pictures even though they are so intimate. You look so in love._

"I was a teenager, Hoseok," he mentioned instead to justify his behavior back then. "I liked the way you tasted and I thought I looked hot while having you in my mouth, so I used it as an excuse while actually using the videos to jerk off while thinking of you. What else would it be?"

"Well, then I guess getting hard while watching is okay then. Would you like more sushi? I think there's another portion packed up in the fridge." Hoseok stood up and carried his glass to the sink, turning around to receive some kind of answer.

"I think I'm good," he muttered, surprised that Hoseok would mention something like getting aroused so easily.

_It's one of the wrong expectations. Back then he would have never said anything, gasping instead while avoiding your gaze._

"I don't think it's weird, it's sexual after all and it's somebody playing with you. And even though your thighs changed, your dick is still the same." Only after he said it, Hyungwon realized that he had admitted to checking Hoseok out. But maybe that wasn't surprising after being in the sauna twice and hugging naked in a pool. "Your wine is loosening my tongue."

"I know I should be shaken, but somehow this is so much more like you. Like the you from back then. Would you like to get some air? We could go around the block or into the garden, as you like. To sober up a little." Hoseok returned playing with the sleeve of his t-shirt as he looked at him, eyes attentively travelling over his body and towards his face.

_Would he like you to be like back then?_

"Fresh air sounds good," he remarked, quieter than intended as the way Hoseok examined him also reminded him of the past. To loosen up the atmosphere as he slipped into his shoes, he chuckled and decided to be a little more playful. "Is that what you need to feel more at ease around me? For me to talk more about dick? You surprise me, Hoseok."

"You're wrong. I'm just tipsy and unsure how to act, but when you talk about dick you resemble the person I left behind, not the one that I met just recently." Hoseok took a pair of keys and threw on a light jacket before turning off the lights and stepping out.

Hyungwon realized that he suddenly felt relieved even though he liked the house Hoseok had chosen to live in with his family. Maybe it was rather that talking about the past seemed easier outside, surrounded by darkness and putting one foot in front of the next. The two of them had roamed the streets back then too, only that Hyungwon never took his jacket and Hoseok always ended up giving it up for him.

_You didn't take one this time either, convinced you'd just take a cab._

He chuckled but didn't elaborate even though Hoseok glanced in his direction.

"You know, I think talking about outrageous things felt like pushing boundaries. In addition, it always made you blush and I loved it."

"I've seen so many dicks in my life doing emergency medicine and anesthesia that you won't be able to make me blush, I'm afraid." Hoseok chuckled and put his hands into the pockets of his jeans as they walked in the dark. "Look, it's a full moon. One could see when it was a full moon in your room because all things got a silver shadow."

"Really? I never realized," he murmured and tried to remember, but he probably slept too much to figure that out. Instead, breathless words entered his mind, tickling his neck as hands roamed over his body. "But I remember… you telling me that you enjoy the silver light on my naked skin."

_But he was drunk, he might not remember._

"Mhm. I did. I'm impressed that you can remember. Do you still like thick blankets?" Hoseok smiled at the asphalt under his feet instead of him, but Hyungwon knew that the smile was his.

"I do and a bunch of pillows," he replied and grinned because it was the reason he had to either turn up the heating at Elias' place or wrap around his boyfriend to stay warm. "You sweat easily, so I guess you prefer to sleep naked and barely covered."

"Yeah. I don't like to turn up the heating either, but I have a big window in my bedroom and can see when it's a full moon when I wake up or go to bed. I'm sad for your boyfriend because he doesn't see your sleeping face as often."

_He never does._

"I see his instead." He smiled to himself and looked up at the black sky, enjoying the sight of the full moon that he had never really paid attention to before. "The moon is really beautiful, it must be nice waking up to such a sight."

"Before I thought the moonlight makes memories seem more magical, but it's bullshit. Certain feelings do. But it's still nice to wake up to a full moon, even though driving to work at five isn't particularly beautiful." Suddenly, Hoseok turned towards him and took his hand lifting it in the air. "Honestly? I would have never thought that those long fingers would save lives someday," the low voice murmured.

"Why?" he answered automatically as his eyes widened, not expecting the sudden body contact. Hoseok hadn't bothered to initiate touching him on his own accord even once except for the diving incident, so it caught him off guard and tugged at his memories again.

"Because I never imagined us being grown up and still next to each other," Hoseok whispered. "I thought you would be at some place far away from me."

"But I did," he breathed out and wondered why exactly Hoseok's words burned a little. Maybe it was because the other man seemed so convinced that they wouldn't be next to each other whereas Hyungwon had pictured it many times. Maybe not as medical professionals, but as humans who liked to be next to each other. It was the reason he had never dared to cross the boundaries, no more than they already did. Maybe it was also because in the end it hadn't happened. They were both grown up and not next to each other, not until now. "When we had to write letters to our future selves I always asked about how you are doing, like a weirdo, as if you were attached to my leg or something."

"I guess I kind of was." Hoseok kept holding onto his fingers for a few seconds longer before letting go and taking off his jacket. "You're cold," he murmured and stretched it out, expecting him to put it on.

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, with enough force to hurt a little as he accepted the jacket without a word and wrapped it around himself. It smelled like Hoseok, but the Hoseok that he knew now, not the way he remembered it.

_It's nice._

"I'm so selfish," he murmured suddenly and closed his eyes for a few seconds, just enough to not lose his balance as they walked. "You have a shift tomorrow and I'm not letting you sleep."

"I'm on call, if I'm lucky I'll be able to sleep until 7!" The other man smiled and continued walking next to him. "Would you like to go home? Or is it still enjoyable?"

_Maybe even more than it should be._

He smiled back, encouraged by how genuine Hoseok looked. It reminded him of his own decision to spend time with the other man at a bar instead of finishing his administrative duties. It wasn't like him, but his priorities were clear.

"It's really nice," he replied and buried his nose in the fabric of the jacket as they made their way past several big houses. "I- I might be enjoying your company more than I should. I have you at work after all, the place you spend the most time at, and now I'm also occupying your free hours."

_He has a whole family to take care of, but still he's next to you, making sure you're warm and happy._

"You think that you shouldn't be enjoying my company? Why?" His comment must've caught Hoseok's attention, as the other man looked at him as they walked around the corner.

_Is that it? Do you think that you shouldn't?_

"I don't think that I shouldn't, but I guess it might be unexpected. You said that you don't know me after all. You have so many people to take care of and I suddenly popped up out of nowhere." Chewing on his cheek, he decided to be truthful once more before the magic of night, white wine and nostalgia fades. "You make me want to spend my limited free time with you, but that's not up to me to decide."

"I don't understand you," Hoseok whispered. "Are you suddenly scared? Because I hugged you for a few minutes? Don't worry, I just felt as if it was easier to talk when you didn't look at me. Why wouldn't it be up to you to decide whether you want to spend time with me or not? Because I have a family? So, you need to make sure that I take care of my responsibilities? You did change indeed, from talking me into skipping lessons just to make me kneel in front of you and wrap your legs around my neck to trying to tell me what my priorities should be."

_Shit._

Hyungwon inhaled sharply, not expecting Hoseok to stick his hands into his shitty arguments and pull them apart like cardboard. The alcohol was still in his system, messing up his thoughts, but Hoseok's conclusions still sounded reasonable. He enjoyed the other man's company and felt the desire to have more of it while realizing that there wasn't all that much space to occupy.

"You're right," he murmured and stepped closer before simply resting his head against Hoseok's chest without embracing him. "I freaked out because I realized that I was being selfish. I felt relieved that we left your house because it seems calmer when it's just us and I realized that I preferred to be at that wine bar with you instead of working. I want to spend more time with you, but I'm realizing there is no time because our lives are different now. As you said."

"And still you're pressing your forehead against my chest at midnight. Somehow to me it seems that our lives are even closer than they were before because you understand my job and you work right next to me. That's the scary part, Hyungwon." He felt Hoseok shift and stroke over his head carefully, repeating the motion a few times, before letting his arm rest around his shoulders.

"Must it be scary?" he replied and inhaled again, realizing that the scent of the jacket and the fabric of the shirt that brushed over his cheek was the same. "Can't it just be that the essence of who we are simply fits? It doesn't have to be bad, does it? We know that time passed and we know that we still get along somehow, feeling at ease next to each other and sharing intimate thoughts."

_You want him to return to your life, don't you? Become a part of his in return._

"You're right, it doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't feel bad. Not anymore. Don't worry about it. It'll be fine."

"Because you're here?" he whispered back, remembering the words Hoseok always spoke when he calmed him down. The hand on his hair felt too good to pull away from even though he probably should have. He was mixing the experiences again and applying his expectations of the past to the present.

"Maybe," the low voice whispered before the other man chuckled. "But you have to promise me to sleep and recover for the shit show on Monday, Dr. Chae."

Hyungwon took the words as a sign as he forced himself to pull back and held his breath for a few seconds, enjoying the cold air against his face and neck. Nodding, he reached for his jeans pocket to pull out his phone and request a cab to get home.

It was time to end the magic of midnight.

Hoseok stood next to him and watched as he slowly took off the jacket and gave it back to him. When the car arrived, Hoseok briefly reached for his shirt to get his attention, black eyes reflecting a bit of the full moon with its silver aura.

"Back then I would have just said nothing, but I'm only sending you home because I feel bad and know that you have to be fit on Monday. Take care and thank you for coming."

"Thank you for saying it," he murmured in reply and used the few moments that he had to look at the other man's face, searching for something familiar that he recognized, something that told him what to conclude from their interactions.

In the end, there weren't many words that described their situation well enough, so he used the only ones he knew that did.

"I missed you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 5

Hoseok had spent three hours studying the files of the young patient that they were going to have in the OR for at least eight hours as the tumor was hard to remove. In addition, they planned to wake the patient up to assess for the possibility of seizures. He used the time and the case to distract himself from the evening he spent with Hyungwon, their talks, and how natural it felt to be next to each other as soon as they got a bit closer than colleagues did, hugging and talking about the past openly.

_He said that he missed you too._

The words still made his skin tingle, but it was probably because he never managed to get over the way they had parted back then, even though he had been the one who initiated it.

_You seem to have more in common now, even though he says that your lives are so different. Your choices are, but not your lives._

When he saw Hyungwon in the morning, preparing for surgery, he already knew everything about the patient by heart. It was a rarity to have so much time to prepare, but he had been on call and only had to assist with two emergency surgeries. He knew that Hyungwon had to be fully focused on the tumor removal during the first few hours because it was an extremely complicated case and he didn’t want to risk damaging parts of the frontal lobe.

_He will do it well, just like he did before._

Maybe the fact that they both were nervous made them not talk to each other much as they entered the OR and prepared for surgery, only establishing eye contact and communicating mostly without using words, making the OR team look surprised at times, especially when it got complicated and they still understood each other at a glance.

As he thought, Hyungwon’s hands were steady as ever, methodically removing the tumor over the next several hours. He watched in awe as the other man worked, completely focused and without making a single mistake. Hoseok couldn’t believe that his best friend from back then turned into a person like that. He was proud and sad at the same time because he could’ve seen the development, maybe not as… somebody in a romantic relationship, but still as friends.

_Maybe you can become friends again._

The thought made him warm and he prepared for the part where they woke the patient up and assessed whether it was okay to close up the skull or if they would have to do something else. The assistant wiped Hyungwon’s forehead as he took a brief five-minute break, stepping out of the OR before returning looking freshened up and wearing new gloves, cap and mask. The big eyes were attentive, as the other man gave him the sign to wake the patient up and if necessary give anticonvulsive medication in case of a seizure. Despite the metal clamps stabilizing the head, seizures were extremely dangerous.

_Now you have to give your full concentration. Don’t fuck up._

Thinking about the patient's history, he woke him up slowly, watching the EEG that immediately showed spikes located in the temporal lobe, just as he thought.

_So, it is severe epilepsy._

“Seizure,” he said and immediately gave the anticonvulsants that the patient was treated with before and that seemed to be effective. The team looked at him as the spikes continued and he rechecked the doses that were more than enough to stop the seizure. The spikes looked a bit different too.

Dr. Chae prepared to close up the skull when the spikes disappeared, showing a normal EEG, but something wasn’t right.

_This is not how it’s supposed to be._

“Wait,” he said, looking at the EEG while monitoring the continuous flow of anticonvulsants. He was unsure and something about the timeframe didn’t fit and the spikes looked odd.

“What for? The medication worked, I will close up, the EEG looks normal.” Dr. Chae asked for suction and prepared to close up, stepping closer and his hands were steady as always, but he had to butt in.

“Hyungwon, wait,” he said again and chewed on his lips, monitoring the EEG like an idiot, even though it looked perfectly fine. The whole team stared at him, whispering, but then the monitors went crazy, showing another severe seizure located in the part of the temporal lobe that was pushed away by the tumor. “Seizure.” he said and put the patient back under general anesthesia, heart hammering in his chest. When he was stable again, Hoseok looked at the neurosurgeon who was staring at him in shock.

_You were a bit unprofessional, but he couldn’t just close it up._

“The medication isn’t effective. It seems as if his epilepsy is resistant. I thought so when I first read the files but now we could see it pretty clearly, the timeframe didn’t fit and the seizure passed in a natural way even though I gave a pretty high dose of the anticonvulsants. I think he will need to have part of the temporal lobe removed, now, otherwise it will damage the tissue considering he had another seizure after three minutes. Dr. Chae, you will have to remove some of the temporal lobe in my opinion. Please make a decision.”

The other man still stared at him and for the first time since they met, he could see the fingers of Hyungwon’s left hand shake a bit.

_He must be exhausted and the adrenaline is no joke._

“He is under general anesthesia now, it will be fine. Would you like to take a short break?” he asked, but Dr. Chae shook his head so fast that he flinched, biting on his bottom lip.

“Prepare for Anterior Temporal Lobectomy,” the low voice said, and the radiologist immediately put the 3D images on the big screens, the OR team brought new instruments and he sat there, watching how the neurosurgeon stared at the open skull for a few moments before lifting his hands, perfectly steady and removing a part of the patient’s brain.

_This is fucking impressive._

Hoseok couldn’t help staring and even though he could’ve taken the easier way and simply observed the patient’s vitals, he took the time to observe Hyungwon’s hands for hours until it was finally done, and he slowly woke the patient up, ready to go back to general anesthesia in the event of another seizure. The pressure and the tension were obvious and the team seemed to hold their breaths as the minutes passed and the EEG looked completely normal. After about ten minutes he smiled.

“Amazing job,” he said and stayed with the patient as most of the team exhaled in ease and slowly left the OR, talking and thanking each other. Hyungwon left first and the fact that the big eyes didn’t look into his direction even once told him that something must be wrong.

_He is not okay, is he?_

Hoseok made sure that the patient was stable and conscious, with a terrible headache, but as fine as he could be. It was amazing news, so he needed to tell Hyungwon. His heart was beating fast as he asked a few colleagues whether they had seen Dr. Chae, but most of them said they hadn’t seen him since he left the OR. That was extremely unusual, and Hoseok almost ran past his friend from radiology who asked whether he also needed to go to the PET-CT because Dr. Chae went there an hour ago.

_PET-CT?_

That made absolutely no sense, but as Hyungwon wasn’t in his office and not in the on-call room, didn’t answer his phone and hadn’t responded to his message, he took any information available and ran towards the radiology department.

A glance at his watch showed that it was almost eight in the evening, which meant that they were in the OR for eleven hours.

_Fuck. He must be completely out of it._

When he entered the exam room, it was dark and he would have left, had he not heard rough exhales coming from behind the CT scanner. Closing the door, he walked around it slowly until he could see a figure sitting on the floor and leaning against a wall. Hoseok recognized a white coat that was opened and reflected most light, only loosely covering a leg that was stretched out while the other was bent and pulled up to the man's chest. A big palm covered the delicate features, hiding them from sight as additional gasps filled the air, accompanied by shaking shoulders.

_Oh fuck._

Hoseok hurried over and kneeled next to the other man’s trembling body. Maybe there could’ve been another way to start a conversation to find out what it was that made Hyungwon so devastated, but at that moment, his body only knew one way as he simply leaned over and pulled the other man into his arms, wrapping them around him and whispering into his ear.

“Shh, it will be okay,” he said and stroked over the slightly moist hair, probably still not completely dry after the grueling surgery. “You did so well today, Hyungwon.”

The other man tensed up at first, as if he didn't quite understand what was happening and needed to hide the way he responded. Hoseok could tell by the way fingers wrapped around his arm and tried to push until all strength suddenly disappeared like water through a drain and Hyungwon let his head fall against his chest. Quiet sobs left the other man's lips that he tried to contain by holding his breath.

"I… almost fucked up," Hoseok heard close to his ear, barely louder than a whisper and instantly followed by another sharp intake of air. "I was so fucking close. Shit."

_So, it is about the surgery…_

He pulled Hyungwon even closer until the other man sat on his lap. He let one of his hands stroke over the black hair in repetitive motions as the other curled around the narrow waist.

“It feels scary, I know it does. I know that you think that you should have known and that you should have stopped and thought about it, but you’re also just a human. I only realized because I was able to monitor the spikes closely and because I had read his file for three hours while being on call. I can’t believe that you managed to be there for eleven hours and do such an amazing job. He’s awake. He’s doing fine, you didn’t fuck up, Hyungwon.”

"But I was so fucking close. It's not even about knowing," Hyungwon started as he tried to calm his breaths but kept hyperventilating as tears dripped from his cheeks and soaked into Hoseok's shoulder. "I didn't listen to you, I just wanted it to be over because I was so exhausted. I can't believe you had to snap me out of it, fuck."

He leaned back against the wall and reached for the wet face, wiping the tears away, before taking Hyungwon’s chin and tilting his head so he had to look him in the eyes. Even though it was pretty dark, he could see the handsome features well, the red lips as the other man breathed through his mouth and the wet eyes, drops rolling down his cheeks.

“You had a reason to be exhausted. You removed that tumor for over six hours, of course you were exhausted and I understand you. I know that it feels like everything is crumbling because that’s the one thing that you love and feel competent in, but you still are, Hyungwon. I couldn’t help but watch you because, damn, the way you can control your hands is impressive. You are impressive and being wrong once is nothing that makes you less of an amazing specialist.” Hoseok exhaled, but he knew how it felt, he knew it so well.

_Maybe you need to make him understand that you feel it too._

"But what if it happens again?" Arms wrapped around his neck carefully as Hyungwon arranged his legs on each side of his hips, resting his head on his shoulder and trembling as he sucked oxygen into his lungs. "I don't even know what would have happened if you hadn't stopped me. This isn't the first time I didn't get enough sleep. What the hell am I supposed to do if it keeps happening? I'm endangering instead of helping."

“That patient would have died without you. You saved his life not only once but twice. Even if I knew that he needed the temporal lobectomy, I couldn’t have performed it. Don’t you remember how my hands shook when you came close enough back in the day?” He chuckled to loosen up the mood a bit. “But you are human and we constantly work within our limits, unfortunately we don’t always have the time and the mental state to take care of ourselves the way we should to function properly. You did amazing today. And I… do you remember when you performed the craniectomy on the girl and she had a seizure? And then I just ran away from you?”

Hoseok sighed and inhaled deeply. Remembering caused a lot of discomfort that he had to deal with, but he felt like he needed to share it. “It was because I thought that I almost fucked up. I should have realized but I didn’t and I only managed to cover it up because I come from emergency medicine and am used to working fast and under time pressure, but actually I did a shit job and hated myself for it because I should know what the worst-case scenario looks when I make a mistake. What I’m saying is… you’re not alone with this and it doesn’t make you a bad specialist. It makes you a human that needs understanding and some rest.”

"I feel like I'm burning out like a candle," Hyungwon whispered and brushed his nose along a patch of exposed skin along his neck. "You purposefully took on call duty for me, so I should have been perfectly rested, but I feel like I'm a fucking mess, Hoseok."

“But you’re not. I only took your shift because I saw that you worked over 85 hours last week and I worked 75. You are a human too and there is no replacement, so you have to do everything that comes in. You’re not a mess, you’re doing an incredible job.” Shifting a little, he stroked over the other man’s back and leaned a bit closer, whispering into the small ear. “I know that it may sound weird, but as somebody who knew you a long time ago, seeing you today made me feel so fucking proud. I’m proud that I was able to be part of your life at some point, because the way you developed and what you became, I’m more than impressed, Hyungwon.”

The other man didn't say anything to that, but he tightened his grip around his neck and Hoseok felt Hyungwon's thighs squeeze him by pulling together.

"Thank you," the low voice whispered eventually, lips brushing over his neck in the process. "Thank you for coming all the way here and finding me even though I made sure that nobody could."

“I know that I probably won’t make it better, but just keep in mind that I know exactly how that feels and that I’m sure you’re not the only one who feels like that every now and then. You’re still an amazing specialist and you still love your job, don’t you? Even though making mistakes is so fucking scary.” He smiled and stroked over the black hair, before letting his hand slip to the broad shoulders and along Hyungwon’s arm.

"Maybe I love it too much if it affects me like this," plump lips murmured against his skin until he felt them travel to the crook of his neck where Hyungwon simply buried his face as the slim body slipped forward on top of him, pressing against his chest and abdomen. "What do you do when you feel like breaking, Hoseok? Who holds you when you need it?"

“I run until I can’t feel my body anymore. That’s why I’m at the gym so often, I guess.” His breath hitched at the closeness, but the situation was critical, so how could he react like that if Hyungwon had literally been crying a second ago? “Or I dive into ice cold water.”

"Maybe you can teach me, beat one fear with another." Hyungwon parted his lips and pressed them against a spot below his ear, very much unlike the way he had muffled his own breaths before. "Or you let me hold you in return, tell you that you kept me from making a terrible mistake today. I don't know what I would have done without you and I'm scared to think about it."

“Don’t think about it. I think it was enough adrenaline for you to remember the situation, so don’t worry. I can teach you to dive and you can hold me, if you can catch up with me when I run away.” Again, he chuckled and felt at ease that Hyungwon wasn’t crying anymore. “You know that you’ve been operating for eleven hours with a short five-minute break in between? Even driving requires a break every two and a half hours, Hyungwon. So, sauna?”

"If you carry me there," Hyungwon replied before sighing and leaning back, big eyes meeting his before glancing down at the way the other man was sitting on his lap. "I actually have work to do, but I don't think I'd do a good job if I stay."

“That’s why I’m saying let's go to the sauna. I think carrying you through radiology will give your reputation a hit, but I don’t mean that we should exercise. Let’s just go and try to relax. I feel that we both need it right now. What do you think?”

A smile appeared on Hyungwon's lips as he suddenly leaned in and placed a kiss on his nose before climbing off his lap. Only belatedly the other man must have realized what he had done as his eyes widened a little and he bit down on his bottom lip, but without commenting on the display of affection.

_He’s probably completely out of it._

"Let's go," Hyungwon murmured eventually when he fixed his hair and closed the buttons of his coat. "You're right that we both need it."

They met outside and he drove them to the gym where they changed quickly and went directly to the sauna. First there were a few other gym patrons, but as it got later, they ended up being the only ones in the hot room, going for a second round.

“I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable because I searched for you and just- went for it,” Hoseok commented before lying down on the bench and glancing in Hyungwon’s direction.

"Are you really asking that after pulling me out of a mental breakdown?" The other man lifted his head across from him and raised an eyebrow, face flushed from the heat. "I'm glad I didn't say or do anything stupid apart from kissing your nose."

“It was kind of funny, but I thought that you were out of it, so don’t worry about it. I’m just not sure where the boundaries are at all, so I wanted to ask to make sure that you were okay with what happened.” He chuckled because he remembered Hyungwon’s shaken expression after the other man leaned back.

_But then again, you should remember that you don't know if his boyfriend is okay with you being like this…_

"Of course, you thought it's funny, you're not the one who had the mental glitch." Hyungwon didn't sound accusatory and grinned before turning to the side and stretching out one of his legs. Most of the tension had left the other man's body after the first round, so he seemed relaxed and covered with a gorgeous glow now. "Did I also like kissing noses back then or is it new? I don't remember apart from licking over your nose bridge, but you might have been asleep then."

"As far as my nose is concerned, I don't think you ever did. Not that I can remember. Considering that I got kissed by so many strangers on all kinds of body parts, I think I'm immune now." He grinned too and glanced at the hour glass. "Anesthesia aftermath, psychosis, all kinds of fun things."

Hyungwon laughed and slipped one palm under his cheek, making it seem a little puffier which in turn curled his plump lips. It looked a little funny.

"I keep forgetting that you deal with patients who are out of it. I never really had to deal with anything like that. I mean- sure, there are always more touchy patients, but I definitely haven’t been kissed yet. I also don't really see a lot of dicks in my profession, so one might think our lives turned around." The other man was looking at his face until his gaze suddenly travelled lower along his body before returning. "Already seeing more here than at work."

"I have the slight hope that it's more aesthetically pleasing than an open skull or leaking cerebrospinal fluid." Hoseok shifted and bent the other leg, thinking about what Hyungwon might have meant. "Don't be envious, I don't think that the dicks I usually see would be to your liking."

"How do you know what I like?" Hyungwon asked immediately and bit down on his bottom lip while stretching out both of his legs, too long to fit on the bench, but just enough to not have to bend his knees too much. "I like your mole."

_Your mole?_

"I'm just assuming, of course I have no idea about what you like." Hoseok glanced in the other man's direction and wondered whether he meant the mole on his stomach, but something told him that wasn't it. "I like your mole too," he murmured in reply.

"They met quite often." Hyungwon chuckled before turning on his back instead of lying sideways and bent one knee, hands sliding over his thighs before checking whether he had begun sweating yet. "Maybe that's why I remember it so well. Should think about what that says about me."

_So, you were right._

"I can't believe that you're not sweating, I look like I came out of the shower in comparison." Hoseok thought about switching the topic, but was it really that bad? It was about the past, so they could just as well talk about it, right?

_And you can look at him too. It's not taboo and he does it too._

His gaze travelled to the lean body on the bench across, skin glistening lightly, but not covered in drops as his own. The other man changed quite a bit. His legs were longer and his muscles more defined. Even though Hyungwon was still rather slim, the overall impression was more masculine than before, lean and it fit to the way he had changed compared to fifteen years ago.

"Why should it say something about you? It's just a memory," he commented.

"You said that you struggle to look at me because of the mole on my bottom lip. Because you looked at it so often when I slept." Hyungwon sighed and placed both of his arms under his head, chest lifting as he inhaled again. "I recognized you when we went to shower, on the day we met here for the first time. I recognized the mole at the base of your dick because I loved to lick over it. Maybe it's also because I have videos that show it and I've watched them often enough."

_He recognized you because of that mole? Really?_

"I'm speechless," he murmured. "I thought I still look kind of the same, but I guess not. But at the same time, why would you remember? So much time passed. I recognized your name and then I saw your mole, from that moment on it was clear to me that was you. But you changed."

"You think you look the same? Your lips and eyes maybe, but the rest is very different. You don't smell like lemon anymore; your hair isn't blonde even if it still feels like silk. Your body changed a lot too, broad and muscular even though you were more like me before." Hyungwon sat up and wiped over his thighs again, looking satisfied this time as his palms glistened. "Well, my point was that you recognized me because of something that seems emotional, a little romantic even, whereas I sound like I was obsessed with your dick, which isn't quite true. I just thought it was the only part of you I could have."

_You were both fools._

"You could have all of me." Hoseok sat up too and looked at the hour glass that suggested that they should get out, but he wanted to squeeze some more out of his body, sitting on his towel and spreading his legs a little. "I don't judge you because of that. If that's the part that you remember, then that's simply the way it is. It's easier to look at your mole now because I see it often and you're not sleeping, so I don't have to feel like a creep."

Hyungwon didn't say anything, which seemed unusual considering that he hadn't hesitated to comment before, even if it concerned their past, their feelings, or body parts. When Hoseok glanced up from the sweat drops on his thighs, he realized that the other man was staring at him with big eyes that hadn't been focused on his face at first and only slowly rose to meet his gaze.

"Now?" the low voice asked.

_Now? You don't feel like a creep now._

"Now too. Why does it surprise you? Didn't you want me to feel at ease?" he asked and brushed his wet hair back before returning to his position, preparing to get out soon.

"I did, but…" Hyungwon trailed off and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth as he seemed undecided about where to look, eyes jumping from his face to his chest and thighs and back up. "You kept talking about all of this being in the past, about me being a different person and therefore having to treat me differently."

_He thinks you're still treating him like back then?_

"You think I'm treating you like I did back then? That- I'm sorry if you feel that way. I just wanted to say that I'm adjusting to the way it is now, the way you are now, how you've changed. But it's pretty late. Let's go out and jump in the cold pool." He sighed and stood up, holding his towel in his hand and waiting for Hyungwon to follow him out.

"If you're adjusting to the way I am now," Hyungwon murmured as he stood up and wiped some of the moisture from his face. The other man's eyes were still focused on him, as if he kept expecting him to say or do something. "Then what do you mean when you say that I can have all of you?"

_Did you say that? Oh god, you did._

Staring outside, he tried to come up with an explanation, that he meant the past, the way he felt about the other man and how he had wanted him with every cell of his body. Saying that probably made Hyungwon uncomfortable so he inhaled and turned, meeting the big brown eyes. "I'm sorry for saying that if it made you uncomfortable. You just said that you thought you could only have one part of me, but it wasn't true. Independent of that, you should get out, we've been in for over twenty minutes." If they wanted to dive, they needed to wait a few moments to not pass out.

"Fuck," Hyungwon hissed and wiped over his face again as he made his way out and leaned against the railing of the small pool. "You meant the past, didn't you? I'm sorry for assuming shit."

His eyes widened, passing over the other man's body and his flushed face, slowly understanding what he meant.

_You said it in present tense. You said, 'You could have all of me', you basically offered him yourself just now, what is wrong with you?_

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I guess I'm exhausted too." Shaking his head, he dipped his foot into the pool, shuddering at the cold. "There's something wrong with me, please check my brain, doctor," he murmured and looked up, meeting Hyungwon's gaze.

"It seemed to be working amazingly today," Hyungwon commented before doing the same and dipping his foot into the water, shudder obvious as goosebumps spread along the other man's long leg.

Hoseok smiled at that and dropped the towel to the floor before quickly entering the pool and diving under. When the cold water covered his head, he felt better, as if his faux pas wasn't so bad and he hoped that it wasn't as bad for Hyungwon either. When he broke the surface, he spread his arms and smiled. "And now come here," he said.

Brown eyes observed him at first as Hyungwon threw his towel next to the one already lying on the ground. The other man's hesitation looked different today, not like it was due to fear of the water, at least not yet. Making his way down the stairs, Hyungwon held his breath and kept his fingers curled around the railing. Hoseok observed the lean chest covered in water, small nipples hardening from the cold.

Chewing on his lip, Hyungwon lifted his arms out of the water and wrapped them around his neck, aligning their bodies and replacing some of the cold with body heat. For a moment Hoseok thought about whether what they were doing remotely qualified for a collegial relationship, but simply pushed the thought away as far as possible.

"Ready?" he whispered because they were so close.

Fingers slipped into his hair, raking through it until they found grip and Hyungwon held his breath before nodding and letting his eyes flutter shut.

_This feels different._

It did, but Hoseok counted to three, preferring to observe the handsome face, the flushed cheeks, thick lips and closed eyes, wrapping one arm around the slim waist and diving under water when the count reached three. He was thankful for the cold water, how it covered his body and didn't make the proximity of another person as tangible as it could've been before the count went up to three again and he used the grip on Hyungwon's waist to pull him out of the water.

The other man's eyes were still closed and the grip on his hair had transformed into a tense fist and light tugging that was bordering on painful but didn't quite reach it yet. Hyungwon was inhaling roughly as if he feared not getting enough air, taking as much of it as he was able to while murmuring curses.

_It's still scary to him, so maybe you shouldn't… react to hair pulls._

"It's fine, I'm here," he whispered, hissing once because Hyungwon pulled on his hair once again.

"You make it less terrifying," the low voice murmured as Hyungwon moved even closer if that was possible, hips brushing against each other and slim thigh touching his groin. "And your hair still feels like silk."

_And he still gets so close, even after so many years. You both struggle to separate the past from the present, don't you?_

"Then hold on and don't be scared," he whispered, feeling the adrenaline that the cold water alone couldn't give him. Hoseok held his breath before exhaling everything at once. His body was trying to fight the cold, getting closer to the only source of warmth. His grip tightened, pulling the slim body closer when a glance at Hyungwon's face ended in a thought, true and obvious, especially at that moment.

_It's not the past. It's here and now, Hoseok._

_It's you and him and the here and now._

***

Lazy afternoons, hands hesitantly brushing over his naked legs and long conversations about everything and nothing. Hyungwon remembered it well, the calm Hoseok's presence had provided back then, how much he had enjoyed having the other boy next to him, even without knowing whether he felt the same or was even capable of developing feelings towards another boy that were in the slightest bit romantic.

The comfort that he felt next to the muscular man across from him, even fifteen years later, was similar. Their closeness wasn't quite comparable and he didn't feel the same urges to kiss those curved lips or to tell his best friend how much he loved him, but the pleasant warmth in his chest was there. Hyungwon didn't feel like he had to filter his words or talk about meaningless bullshit anymore.

_You speak genuinely next to him, be it about your weaknesses and fear of failure or your memories of him._

Hyungwon laughed freely, he smiled at the comments that Hoseok made and he joked about how biased and sexual his memories seemed even though he had been hopelessly in love. He was being himself and it felt right somehow.

The blush that would have covered the other man's face in the past was nowhere to be found. Hoseok didn't feel shy because of the topic, didn't remain silent and he didn't struggle to curse. All these things were different now, but still Hyungwon felt like he was next to somebody who knew him well, somebody who understood him.

_He changed so much, but it feels right somehow. Maybe he thinks the same about the way you changed._

Lying down on the sauna benches in each other's company and talking calmly, Hyungwon suddenly felt glad that his mind hadn't glitched any further than the sudden kiss he had placed on the tip of Hoseok's nose. He was aware of how blurry his mind had been, how easily he had hugged Hoseok and thought about drowning the words and the painful buzzing in his head with additional closeness, maybe even with a kiss.

_But you were aware enough to know that it's out of place._

Even for their previous relationship it had been out of place. After all, Hyungwon had only kissed his best friend while he slept and apart from that there was only one single occasion during which they kissed. The same occasion after which they parted in the end.

_Your relationship is different now, but still distant enough. That's why it's right that you didn't get any closer._

Hyungwon hadn't expected the thought of kissing Hoseok to return to his mind any time soon, not even with their conversations about the past. That is until Hoseok suddenly looked at him and told him that he could have all of him.

_All… of him?_

He didn't even know what to say to that, how to interpret the sudden invitation that caused a 180°-degree switch in the atmosphere and the air that was between them. It had felt light before, playful and relaxing, but as soon as Hoseok spoke the words, Hyungwon found himself struggling to breathe and at a loss about what to do with himself.

_But why would he be offering himself just like that? Didn't he say that he needs to draw a line between your past self and the person you are now?_

Hyungwon couldn't understand, but his mind reminded him of the way Hoseok had comforted him at the PET-CT. The other man had pulled him on his lap, just like back then and the way hands had stroked over his hair and caressed his back and waist didn't correspond to comfort as he knew it.

_Not unless comfort is what he gave you back then._

He tried to clarify as his eyes passed over Hoseok's naked body, observing the sweat drops that developed on the muscular chest and thighs and travelled down. Some pearled on the straight nose and dripped on top of the towel, making his mouth feel drier than it had a moment ago.

The sight was the same one, even the situation was similar, but somehow Hoseok's words had transformed it. Hyungwon found himself paying attention to the way Hoseok's skin responded to the heat, to the way a barely visible line led from the other man's navel to his groin. He recognized the mole he had loved so much, the one he familiarized his tongue with and loved to suck on before glancing up to see the prominent blush on the handsome face and the breathy attempts to stay quiet because they weren't quite alone at home.

_Why are you suddenly thinking about all of this? It's not the same._

Hoseok didn't seem to find anything wrong with his offer, telling him that there was no reason to be surprised as Hyungwon had wanted him to feel at ease all this time.

_Is that what it means for him to be at ease? To offer himself just like that even though… there are so many things that should be holding him back?_

He swallowed, realizing that Hoseok had managed to pull him out of his comfort zone with that offer. Hyungwon tried to clarify, to remind Hoseok that he had wanted to draw a line between the past and the present, but again the reply was merely that the other man had already begun to adjust to the present.

_Is that how he adjusts, by still wanting you to have all of him?_

It got a little easier when Hoseok stood up to leave the hot room and Hyungwon inhaled some of the cooler air outside, hoping that it would calm down his body's reactions too. Exhaustion and the sudden offer were playing tricks on him, clouding his mind and affecting his judgement. Hoseok had no reason to offer himself after all his attempts to stay away, but did the fact that their feelings were mutual back then change his mind?

_But he said that was back then. Whatever both of you felt back then cannot be compared to now. He doesn't react the same way either._

His mind was reinterpreting everything anew and constantly expecting something to happen. His eyes kept glancing towards Hoseok as if the other man was going to act in some unexpected way, follow through with his own invitation by pulling Hyungwon close.

_Why does this make you nervous? It's not like you at all._

As he wiped over his face and tried to calm his breaths, he realized there was no other way to deal with this but to address it, so he did.

_Only to find out that you misunderstood._

He felt so stupid suddenly, hands shaking even though he hated that the most. To cover it up, he instantly used the towel to appear busy with wiping sweat that wasn't even there. It felt better than confronting the fact that he had spent the last few minutes thinking that Hoseok wanted him and was waiting for him to act on it.

_You're such an idiot. Why would he offer?_

Hoseok had meant the past, their feelings for each other and the fact that they both decided not to act on them out of fear. All those things they had already talked about and figured out between themselves. There was nothing new to add, because Hyungwon couldn't have all of Hoseok.

_You could have had all of him back then, not now._

The misunderstanding and inappropriate assumption weren't even the biggest problem. The biggest problem was that Hyungwon had considered, had thought about it and tried to make sense of what exactly Hoseok was offering him.

_You were thinking about whether you want it even though he told you that you're two different people now._

Hopefully the ice-cold water of the pool would put an end to his thoughts and the heat that was obviously getting to his head. His feet were slow as they entered the cold water one step at a time while Hoseok had already been below the water surface once.

The other man showed no concern on his face, no remaining thoughts about the misunderstanding and what Hyungwon had been contemplating all this time. There was only a genuine smile, arms that spread wide to embrace him and the offer to come closer.

_Why does this suddenly feel different now?_

Maybe there wasn't enough cold water surrounding him yet, or he wasn't scared enough yet. His fear was there but remained in the background as he entered the water up to his chest and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck.

He could have buried his fingers in the other man's shoulders like the last time, but he didn't want to hurt him again. Instead, his right hand sank into the silky strands of Hoseok's hair and the left pulled the muscular chest flush against his own. It felt easier that way, less real and therefore less terrifying.

Hoseok asked him if he was ready and he didn't know if he was. His fingers tightened their grip on the other man's hair and he let his eyes flutter shut, focusing on the warmth of the other man's body instead as he nodded.

_It's easier like this._

Numbers entered his ears, but he focused on the warmth and the grip he had while holding his breath. Once submerged, a familiar feeling of panic took over, but he kept the air in his lungs as best as he could despite the cold. Only when Hoseok pulled him back to the surface and the warmth replaced most of the freezing water, Hyungwon dared to breathe again.

_He makes it possible for you._

There was still too much of the cold, so Hyungwon kept his eyes closed, and tightened his grip on the other man. He didn't mean to tug at Hoseok's hair, but the way his limbs were shaking from the cold and adrenaline was difficult to contain. They were close, so close that he remembered their lack of clothing when he leaned in and slipped his thigh in between Hoseok's, enjoying the resulting heat.

_Are you keeping your eyes closed because you're scared of going under or scared of breaking the moment?_

"Hold on and don't be scared," Hoseok whispered in his ear and Hyungwon couldn't help but wonder if it was his fear of diving that he meant. Was holding on going to change everything else too? Would it blur the borders between the past and the present even though Hoseok didn't want it to?

Tightening his hold around the other man's neck, he pressed his lips to the warm skin above Hoseok's collarbone and kept his eyes shut.

_Why are you holding on so tightly if this doesn't feel like the past?_

"What does it feel like?" the low voice asked and he felt the palm on his back slowly move lower.

_Not like the past._

"Your hands or holding onto you?" he asked back and brushed his lips along Hoseok's shoulder, realizing how warm he felt despite being in an ice-cold pool.

_You suddenly react so much even though it wasn't about that before. Why?_

"Is it… too close for you? Just tell me. I was wondering what it feels like to overcome a fear with somebody else. I don't know how it feels so I wanted to know."

"Relieving," he whispered at first, knowing exactly that it wasn't the whole truth. The water hadn't been the only thing on his mind when Hoseok pulled him under the surface. "And at the same time, you end up thinking whether you'll be able to do it without the other person around. It's a different kind of fear."

"You're freezing," Hoseok murmured and used the grip on his waist to pull him a bit closer. "But you're also tired and your immune system will suffer if we stay in the ice-cold water any longer. You did amazing though. The surgery and facing your fear. All of it."

_Why is he able to make you feel like this?_

"You make me happy," he murmured and sighed before finally opening his eyes. Hoseok was right, he was exhausted and looking for comfort in the way he knew best. "It's unfair because you are suddenly so good with words, Hoseok."

"Why is it unfair? You prefer the blushing and pointless stuttering?" The other man kept one arm around his waist, as if he was concerned about his stability, and led him out of the pool, grabbing their towels and gesturing towards the showers. "You're right, I don't know what you like, so I guess you must've liked that."

_He has no idea._

Hyungwon smiled because even though Hoseok didn't seem to be able to notice his reactions, that same inability gave him some time to compose himself.

"It's unfair because it gets to me so easily, exactly because I like it," he elaborated and instantly pushed the button on one of the showers to warm up. It felt good to have hot drops travel over his face and cooled down skin while his eyes remained closed. "I liked your shyness back then because making you blush made me feel like I mattered. Now your words are able to do that all on their own."

"You don't need to get any reaction out of me to matter or to be special. You were and you still are." Hoseok's voice sounded clear despite the loud showers and sounds of hands washing the other man's muscular body.

_So good with words._

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and opened his eyes, glancing to the side at the way Hoseok was spreading more shower gel in his delicate hands and stroked over his thighs, hip bones and stomach.

_You showered together too back then._

"Want me to scrub your back?" he asked, murmuring the words that appeared in his memory. He hadn't said them loudly, but the way Hoseok lifted his gaze to look at him meant that he heard.

_Does he remember too or is it because it's weird?_

"How are you going to do it without your frog sponge?" Hoseok asked and grinned brightly.

Hyungwon's eyes widened at first before he laughed loudly, disbelieving that the other man even remembered that old thing.

"I can't believe you remember that. My mom threw it away a year or two later and I bought one in the form of an eggplant because I decided you were a dick to me."

Hoseok raised an eyebrow and squeezed some of the shower gel into his palms before taking his hands and smearing it on them. "I see. Thinking about the whole situation around it, yes, I admit to being a dick and I'm sorry, so please scrub my back." Turning around, Hoseok put his hands on his hips and gave him a view of all the muscles on his back, flexing them at once.

_He's gorgeous._

Hyungwon smiled, realizing that he had wanted the other man to admit that he had been a dick for years, but now that he heard it the situation felt a little different. He didn't really feel hurt at that moment or bitter about what happened. Maybe the difference was the way they treated each other now, how easily Hoseok talked to him and joked even though he had struggled to look him in the eyes not too long ago.

"My fingers aren't a sponge, but I'll apply some pressure, okay?" he commented and started out at Hoseok's shoulders, rubbing his palms over the other man's shoulder blades at first before sliding down to his hips. When he covered everything in an equal layer of foam, he began tracing the muscles that surrounded the spine and hid right below the shoulder blades, rubbing over them and applying pressure. He loved the way his fingers looked against Hoseok's skin and how easy it was to use more force because he could tell that the man in front of him not only knew how to bear it, but also seemed to enjoy it.

_That's different too. Back then you might have already sunk to your knees._

"It feels so nice. But be careful with your hands. I decided to personally protect them. They're precious." Hoseok chuckled and turned around, facing him. "Should I return the favor?"

"Sure," he replied immediately and washed the foam off his hands before turning around and resting his crossed arms against the wall before placing his head on them. It was the lazy way and he knew that he looked nice from behind, so it was a win win. "What do you mean by protecting them? From everything? Are you going to run to my apartment to keep me from jerking off to keep them safe?" He chuckled.

"Depends on how extreme you are about it. I know that it's not my business, but to be honest I planned to drive you home and make sure you actually go home because I know that you went to work last time." Hoseok warmed up his hands, hot palms starting off at his shoulders and stroking over the whole length of his back, tracing his spine with an interesting motion of his fingers before pushing one between one of the intervertebral disks on his lower back and chuckling. "Some spinal anesthesia for the gentleman, so he doesn't go to work when he's not supposed to?"

"Where did shy Hoseok suddenly acquire a sense of humor?" Hyungwon chuckled and wiggled his behind because the way Hoseok poked his lower back was a little ticklish. "You're one to talk, coming at 4 a.m. even when you don't have any upcoming surgeries or appointments. The schedule of your first two weeks basically looked like you didn't sleep."

"I didn't. Because I dreamt of you." Hoseok finished up and stepped back under his spray to wash off the foam and shampoo his hair.

_He mentioned it, but not to that degree._

"You couldn't sleep because of it?" he asked and used Hoseok's shampoo to wash his own hair, recognizing part of the other man's bodily scent. "What… did you dream of?"

"It was a bit upsetting and unexpected, so yes, it cost me quite some sleep and I almost fucked up with the seizure too. You would laugh, it was actually nothing… major or anything. Just some things that happened between us." It was interesting to watch Hoseok as he spoke about it, his eyes were closed so he was unaware that Hyungwon could see the way he chewed on his lips and inhaled during the pause.

_He says that it's nothing major, but still it was enough to dream about it and cost him sleep._

"Why would I laugh? I keep thinking about random memories all the time now and the way we parted can make the most basic memories seem meaningful." Rinsing out the shampoo, he stayed under the warm spray and observed Hoseok. "Is that one of the reasons why you struggled talking to me? Because of the dreams?"

"I guess so. I couldn't understand why you didn't hate me or didn't act like we don't know each other, somehow, I expected you to because you're over it and it means nothing. I was wrong, with a few things, but those dreams were intense because memories are more or less intentional, whereas dreaming about legs around your neck and then going to work to see the said person who had their legs around your neck was a bit stressful. But I don't have as many of them now, so it's okay." Hoseok finished up and turned off the shower, grabbing a fresh towel and wrapping it around his hips, a few centimeters under his hip bones.

_The dreams were sexual and about you._

Hyungwon didn't know what to say at first and decided to follow along instead, turning off the shower and drying his skin with a new towel. Somehow, he had expected the dreams to be arbitrary memories like crazy things that they had done, or their afternoons of talking and touching. What Hoseok mentioned in a single sentence was much more intense than he let on, simply because Hyungwon remembered.

_Was he having wet dreams about you? That's not just a random dream._

"Did you talk to somebody, share them?" he asked eventually when they reached their lockers. Hyungwon felt a little bad because even though Hoseok must have suffered from lack of sleep, he felt a pleasant tingling that what happened between them was enough to occupy the other man's subconscious for several weeks.

_He didn't say that they stopped either. The question is why._

"Not really. When it felt like I was going insane and dreamt some intense stuff in the on-call room, I went to see my friend in the psychiatry department and he asked me whether there was an 'unresolved conflict, or a painful misunderstanding' and to clear it up with that person. He didn't know what it was that I dreamt, but he's still super competent. Look where it got me." A shy smile appeared on Hoseok's face as he got dressed, mostly looking at his clothes as he slipped into them.

_Beautiful._

Hyungwon smiled too and resisted the urge to suddenly hug Hoseok from behind because his memories told him that he was going to be blessed with a gasp in return. The smile was familiar and he enjoyed seeing it.

"I'm thankful to that friend of yours. This definitely feels better than hating myself for possibly traumatizing you," he remarked and finally stopped staring for long enough to put on his own clothes. "Why do you think the dreams haven't stopped completely yet?"

_Is Yura even aware of them? He said he didn't talk to anybody._

Considering that Hyungwon's face had been banned to a 'memories to forget' folder, he somehow doubted that Hoseok's wife was even aware of him being in love with a boy during high school. Talking about dreams in which he blows said boy must be even harder.

_His daughter thinks you were his boyfriend._

"Well, I don't really know, but I'd guess that it has to do with the fact that I see you every day. They will stop at some point. No reason to worry. I'm not losing sleep because of them now." Hoseok took out his car key and gestured at the exit. "I wasn't joking about driving you home and watching you enter your apartment. This is your opportunity to tell me that it's not my place to butt in and not my fucking business."

"But I won't, because I'm fucking exhausted and should know better than endangering people any further." Hyungwon smiled as he followed Hoseok out of the gym and towards his car. It felt good to be cared about to such a degree, even if Hoseok probably needed somebody to take care of his sleep schedule in return.

Thinking about the causes of sexual dreams, Hyungwon ended up contemplating a few possibilities, too curious to keep quiet.

"Talking about minding one's own business, now is your turn to put me in my place." Climbing into the passenger seat, he waited for Hoseok to get in before asking stuff that was none of his business. "If the majority of your dreams are sexual, your libido might need some attention. Makes sense with lots of changes in life, hardcore stress and no time. Question is if you have enough time to satisfy it."

Hoseok licked his lips, turning on the engine and one mouth corner lifting slightly, as he pulled out of the parking spot. "I'm taking care of my libido, don't worry about it. Maybe not as intensely and frequently as you, I suppose, but it seems enough for me."

_There he is having the same expectations all over again. He must have been so convinced that you were easy back then._

"Funny that you instantly assume that I have time to frequently take care of my libido. I don't even share an apartment with my boyfriend and see him maximum once a week, but I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself." Hyungwon didn't want to sound bitter, but he still did, which sucked since it wasn't Hoseok's fault that he chose work over shared apartments, frequent sex and all other relationship benefits.

"I didn't think about it before you asked. Sorry for constantly misunderstanding you. You told me that you're sad about being quite lonely sometimes. You're not the only one, I also feel that way, I told you. I'm sorry that you don't see him as often as you would like to." The other man looked straight ahead and paid attention to the little traffic as he turned around the corner into his street.

"It's a choice, isn't it?" Hyungwon murmured and sank deeper into the car seat. Again, Hoseok knew exactly what to say, pulling out the one thing Hyungwon had mentioned and rarely admitted to. "I chose work."

"I know and I understand it. It's not my place to say it and it's probably insensitive and you might think that I'm a dick, but… I think that you did well," Hoseok whispered and parked right in front of his apartment building.

Hyungwon glanced to the side, trying to decipher the other man's facial features that had no resemblance to the way he had known Hoseok back then. It seemed mature and determined, like Hoseok knew exactly how his words could be understood and still said them because he believed them to be true.

"I think so too," he answered eventually, quiet because the streets around them were silent and the car muffled any additional noise. "I don't know what I would have chosen if you had stayed."

Biting down on his cheek to keep himself from saying anything else that was too emotional for the circumstances, Hyungwon unbuckled his seat belt and climbed out of the car, lips briefly thanking the other man for driving him and wishing him a good night.

Hoseok left the car, glancing after him as he walked to the entrance of his apartment building.

"Then I guess it's a good thing that I didn't," the low voice replied accompanied by the silence of the night. "Sleep well, Hyungwon."

Pushing his key into the lock, Hyungwon wanted to turn around and yell at the other man that it was bullshit and that he was wrong. But he didn't, because he had no reasons apart from a feeling in his chest. A feeling that told him it would have been different.

_

"You're staring."

Hyungwon lifted his gaze from the arbitrary spot in the air he had been focusing on and met Elias' blue eyes. Considering that his head was directed towards his boyfriend's chest, one might have indeed thought that he had been staring.

_Why weren't you though?_

"Can you blame me?" he replied with a grin and threw the blanket off his naked body, preparing to get up. Usually he would have jogged along the promenade again while the other man was asleep, but his recent work schedule made it crucial to rest properly.

_You fucked up enough on Monday._

A lot of things had happened during the past week and when work kept him busy, Hyungwon had no time to reflect on all of it. After driving him home on Monday, Hoseok had told him that choosing work had been the right choice and now Hyungwon found himself checking whether he agreed, even though he had made the choice all by himself.

_You're seeing Elias for the first time this week. You didn't even get to message him. Are you okay with that?_

Making his way through the spacious but at the same time cluttered apartment, it seemed okay somehow. He didn't have the time for text messages and weren't most messages meaningless? Small confessions, random pictures, random facts. They were able to catch up on all of those whenever they met. Elias told him about his newest videos that Hyungwon sometimes managed to watch and Hyungwon shared some things about surgeries and difficult cases.

_You didn't tell him about your mental breakdown on Monday yet. But is it still relevant?_

Hyungwon had mentioned that Monday was difficult and exhausting when they embraced on the couch and watched a movie, but somehow it didn't seem necessary to say more. It was in the past now and he wouldn't allow himself similar mistakes in the future.

_Would he be able to deal with you if he saw you like that, sitting on the ground and crying?_

"Do you think doctors cry after stressful surgeries?" he asked when he returned to the bedroom after finding his clothes that had been scattered all over the place. Both of them were rather impatient last night and got rid of them whenever they happened to be at the time.

Elias sat up and finally removed his own blanket, chuckling at the question.

"Hard to imagine. Isn't that something you get every day? I always imagined that it stops affecting you, like a push up gets easier the more often you do it." Standing up, the other man stretched extensively and Hyungwon observed from the door frame because it was attractive.

"I guess some things you get used to and others always catch you by surprise," he replied and waited for Elias to slip into tight shorts, a shirt that showed off his arms and chest and his favorite sneakers. The two of them wanted to go out to the promenade for once since Hyungwon didn't go for a run. Fresh air was always good.

"Maybe. Can't imagine you crying though. I think the only time you have tears in your eyes is when you suck dick." Chuckling, his boyfriend leaned in to press a kiss against his lips before hurrying to the kitchen to make himself a protein shake and eat some chicken breast before they got going.

_Fair enough._

Considering that Hyungwon never cried in front of people, Elias' conclusion wasn't too far off. Had Hoseok not found him on Monday, he would have stayed in the PET-CT room until his emotions recovered and he could continue being a functional neurosurgeon.

Pulling himself up on the kitchen counter, Hyungwon felt grateful that the man in front of him never asked too much of him. Elias didn't expect him to come every day, he didn't expect him to call and most importantly he didn't get upset when Hyungwon had to cancel because of an emergency. That didn't mean that they didn't care about each other, they obviously did, but it was different.

_It's not the traditional view of a relationship._

"Alright, let's get going," Elias commented once he finished his breakfast routine and simply lifted him up and threw him over his shoulder, laughing as Hyungwon pinched him to be let down. The whole thing conjured a smile on his face because it distracted him from his unnecessary thoughts of the decisions that he had already made in advance and that didn't need to be reevaluated now.

The promenade was as gorgeous as ever and Hyungwon enjoyed the little bit of sunshine that covered his face. Elias was telling him about a new routine he developed and swore by emphasizing the impact it had on his lower lats and how time efficient it was. Hyungwon was by no means an expert apart from knowing that most of the food intake his boyfriend considered healthy was anything but, however, he also didn't listen to his own advice to sleep more, so there was that.

The enthusiasm was contagious though, so he smiled as he listened and wrapped his arms around Elias' bicep, enjoying how smooth it was and how much the other man seemed to like it when he held onto him.

Suddenly, his name entered his ears and it wasn’t that he didn’t expect to meet somebody he knew, but the fact that it was a child’s voice caught him off guard.

“Look, dad, it’s Hyungwon!” the high-pitched voice added and he looked in the direction, meeting the gaze of a little girl that he only needed a few moments to recognize. It was Hoseok’s daughter, pointing a finger at him and smiling brightly, leg kicking a man who sat cross legged on a pink picnic blanket, trying to feed a boy watermelon pieces. The said man turned, black eyes settling on him first before jumping to Elias' broad figure that was hard to miss. It was difficult to tell what Hoseok was thinking, but he definitely didn’t look particularly happy.

_He probably has enough to do without you around as additional distraction._

“Mhm. He’s busy, let him have his day off, Areum.” Hoseok nodded with a superficial smile and was about to turn back to his son, but the girl didn’t seem to care.

“How have you been? I heard that you visited but I was asleep, that’s so mean!” The short girl jumped over an empty blanket and stopped right in front of them, looking up. “Is that man your boyfriend?”

Hyungwon couldn't decide what to deal with first, Hoseok's half-assed smile or Areum's accusations of purposefully coming while she was still sleeping. The first definitely made him angrier because he had done absolutely nothing to bring it about.

_Unless he's stressed because Riku keeps squishing the watermelon with his hands._

Elias was faster, used to dealing with children that recognized him from YouTube and immediately crouched to align his face with the little girl's.

"Hello little one. My name is Elias and yes, I am Hyungwon's boyfriend."

Areum observed his face for a few seconds before crossing her arms in front of her chest and lifting one mouth corner making her look so much like Hoseok when he was dissatisfied with something.

“I see. I’m not little. I’m eight and I’m still going to grow. My dad said no matter how muscular or big somebody is there are always weak points, like the eyes and also here.” Areum pointed between Elias' legs and grinned. “But don’t worry, I won’t do anything to you because you’re Hyungwon’s boyfriend. Would you like some watermelon?”

Hyungwon didn't say it, but he definitely liked her approach to strangers. Smiling to himself, he winked at her and tugged at Elias' arm to make him stand up again.

“Come on, Areum, come back,” Hoseok called, only briefly turning around and not sparing them any additional glances. “Hyungwon is busy.”

_Why does he decide that all by himself?_

Hyungwon couldn't really make sense of Hoseok's behavior. It definitely didn't compare to the way he had acted the first time they met on the promenade and actually had a decent, if not long, conversation.

"I like watermelon," Elias commented with a grin before gesturing towards Hoseok. "You know him?"

"That's Hoseok, my colleague. I told you about him, the complicated case." Hyungwon smiled because it felt a little awkward to mention the one thing that he said about Hoseok, but that didn't quite apply anymore. At least it didn't until Hoseok decided to show him his back and pretend that he was busy standing around and doing nothing.

"Still seems complicated to me." Grinning, Elias returned his attention to Areum. "Are you sure that your dad won't mind us joining?"

“I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that my dad’s known Hyungwon longer than you have, so I think it’s okay.” Rolling her eyes, the girl gestured for them to follow and walked over to the big pink blanket. “They also want watermelon and we have so much, so I thought it’s nice to share.”

Hoseok looked up and blessed them with a forced smile, making space as he put the big container in the middle and gave them two forks. “Feel free to join, I’m sorry I didn’t offer, I thought you were busy. I’m Hoseok, nice to meet you.” Stretching out his pale hand, Hoseok didn’t seem to have any difficulties looking at his boyfriend.

_He also doesn't dream about him, Hyungwon._

Elias took it all with ease, smiling brightly and introducing himself while accepting a piece of watermelon and taking a big bite. Hyungwon could already tell that his boyfriend added a few more repetitions to his routine while doing so.

_But why isn't he looking at you? Why now?_

"Don't worry about it. The two of us were just taking a walk, so there is no place we have to be. Hyungwon mentioned that you work together, so you must see each other quite a lot. Unless you don't spend as much time at the hospital of course."

“He’s at the hospital all the time, where else would he be? I don’t think he does anything else apart from working,” Areum commented and stuffed a piece of watermelon into her small mouth, chewing and humming that it was delicious. “Ah, and gym.”

“Yeah, she summed it up nicely,” Hoseok murmured before turning to his son and explaining to him that he needed to wipe his hands on the tissues and not himself. “But it’s not as if we hang around and talk all the time. We only see each other's eyes because of the masks and communicate in ‘onset anesthesia’, ‘wake up the patient’ and ‘I’m going to finish up’ so nothing to be considered quality communication.”

_Liar._

Technically, Hoseok was of course right because most of their conversations didn't take place in the OR, but one might have argued about his claim that the two of them didn't hang out and talk.

_You went to the sauna with him and you wanted to ask him about his gym times._

Glancing at his boyfriend, Hyungwon knew what was coming even before Elias said it. It didn't really matter how much time they spent at the OR or how they communicated. The way those blue eyes lit up told him that Elias had found a topic for the next three hours.

"One can definitely tell from your shape. What’s your usual routine?”

Hoseok smiled and thanked Elias for the compliment before briefly describing his routine. “It’s nothing much, especially compared to a professional like you. I do watch some of your videos when I find the time. They are a great motivation.” 

_He knows him from videos? Oh well._

“Are you a celebrity, Elias?” Areum asked after finishing her piece and shifted closer to him, throwing him glances.

"Well, I make workout videos on YouTube and show people how to build muscle mass. I guess among the people that care about fitness I might be famous." His boyfriend smiled, not bragging too much as usual before sucking the juice out of another piece of watermelon. Hyungwon only belatedly realized that he had been staring at Hoseok and forgot to take his own.

_Because he still hasn't looked at you._

“If you’re really famous, would you show me some exercises so I get strong and can push away the boys if they are nasty? You can, right?” Hoseok’s daughter crawled closer and looked at Elias with her black eyes, smiling like an angel.

_Why does this feel off to you? Because she wanted to kick him in the balls for calling her little one a few minutes ago?_

"Of course, if your dad doesn't mind." Elias didn't seem concerned and merely looked at Hoseok for permission before preparing to stand up. Hoseok nodded and reminded Areum to be careful on the grass, before turning to Riku, who looked through his Pokémon cards and didn’t care about anything else.

"Will you remember that I exist now?" Hyungwon asked as soon as Elias ran after Hoseok's daughter who decided to do everything under a tree that was visible, but definitely too far to hear a single word.

_Did she do it on purpose? Is she going to ask him questions like she asked you?_

“Oh, I’m pretty aware that you exist. You’re taking up space on the blanket too. Here, have a piece.” The other man crossed his legs and stuck a fork into a big piece of watermelon and handed it to him, accompanied by a careful glance.

"Would you like me to stop occupying space on the blanket?" Hyungwon accepted the fork but didn't understand the change in behavior. Nothing happened at work that could explain the distance and Hoseok had seemed calm when they parted after the sauna, even if it was rather emotional. "You only need to say it. I don't want to ruin your quality time with your children."

“No. I don’t mind.” Leaning back on his arms, the other man looked in the direction of his daughter, before looking at his son and letting his gaze travel towards him, almost in slow motion. “Was I being mean to you?” the low voice asked as the black eyes moved from his legs to his torso, neck and finally face.

_Mean? That sounds a little too childish, doesn't it? Like a prank._

"I wouldn't call it mean, Hoseok," he began and sighed before shifting and reacting just in time as Riku started coughing and he managed to hold out his hand for random pieces of partially chewed watermelon. The timing wasn't optimal, but he still continued. "It's rather that you seem to have moments when you can't bear to look at my face and I just don't get it. Is it dreams again? Did I say something?"

The way the other man’s eyes caught his gaze was unexpected as Hoseok took a tissue and removed the watermelon pieces from his hands. “I knew I should’ve shut up, but you seem to be able to see those threads and know how to pull, so I just end up saying what I think. Anyways… no, it’s not dreams and you didn’t say anything either. It’s nothing. Absolutely nothing.” Hoseok stared right into his eyes when the warm fingers wiped his hand clean before disappearing.

_First, he regrets telling you the truth and then he lies right after._

"Why would you need to shut up, Hoseok? Why can't we just talk about this?" he murmured, keeping his palm in the air like an idiot until he realized and placed it on his thigh. "The whole point of sharing these things is that we don't come up with shit explanations that aren't true. I might go home and wonder whether you prefer not to have me next to your kids, or whether you suddenly realized that what I told you at the sauna is too much for you. There's a bunch of possibilities and my brain is really good at the 'what if' game, Hoseok."

_Why are you so sensitive about this? He's probably stressed, doesn't have a proper break to breathe and you get angry at him for not looking at your face while having a picnic with his kids._

The other man briefly glanced at his son who was sorting his Pokémon cards and didn’t seem to care about them at all before returning his gaze to his face, swallowing briefly. “Don’t think about it, it’s not true. None of it. It’s just me seeing you now and realizing that what I think had been a mistake maybe wasn’t one in the end.”

_What?_

Hyungwon had to inhale roughly to not do anything rash or stupid, eyes also settling on the little boy who seemed cheerful all by himself without being involved in adult conversation.

"If you didn't have children, I might have been really close to choking you right now, Hoseok. You keep saying that you want to protect my hands, but you're doing a shit job." He shut his eyes for a few seconds and scratched over the fabric of his ripped jeans, before collecting the strength he needed to tell Hoseok what the fuck was wrong with what he had just said. "What exactly about seeing me now… makes you think that all that crying, begging, re-watching videos, thinking about what could have been and hating myself for traumatizing you might have been a good thing in the end?"

Hoseok licked over his lips and met his gaze, hands fisting the blanket. “You’re right. The amazing person you’ve become, being successful at work and having a handsome boyfriend that is everything that you liked back then has absolutely nothing to do with me. Sorry for saying that. I hurt you and I shouldn’t use it to think that it was good in any way. Take care of your hands.” The black eyes left him and Hoseok glanced in the direction of Areum and Elias.

"I like the prospect of you taking care of them," he murmured, thinking about the way Hoseok had described his current self. He spoke of him being successful and having a boyfriend that incorporated everything that he considered sexually attractive back then. Hoseok was emphasizing all of it as if it mattered and differentiated them.

_How can he say all that when he is just as successful, married and has two wonderful children? Is he unhappy with his life?_

Hyungwon had to think back to their conversation in the car, to Hoseok reminding him of his own loneliness while saying that it was something they shared.

_He knows that you are still lonely and saw you break down, so why is he saying all this now?_

Areum and Elias came back smiling and his boyfriend looked as if he had done way more than the cheerful girl that simply grinned. “Did you have fun without us?”

Suddenly the little boy lifted his head. “Not really. They fought because of some game called ‘what if’ or something and agreed on taking care of their hands, so I think they made up.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he was suddenly so glad that he hadn't mentioned any of the other things that had been on his mind and could have slipped.

“What? I think you’re confused. Here, you can have some chocolate, you wanted to see what’s inside.” Hoseok was bribing his son with a kinder surprise and smiling as if nothing happened.

_Don't underestimate kids, Hyungwon._

"We mostly talked about work, that's what I need my hands for," Hyungwon remarked and wiggled his fingers as Elias pulled him up with one arm and added a playful 'among other things'.

Playing with the little girl must have improved his boyfriend's mood as he kissed his cheek and offered him at least three options of what they could do next. It was nice to see, so Hyungwon smiled and left the choice to Elias before returning his gaze to Hoseok.

_Your mood took a different turn, but maybe you can work on that._

“Thank you for joining us and see you around,” Hoseok commented, but the smile looked so fake that Hyungwon wanted to look away because he hated it so much.

"At work I guess," Hyungwon murmured even though he didn't want it to be work for once and sent Elias to buy them some tickets for one of the lake boats as he said goodbye to Areum and Riku separately.

"When do you go to the gym next time?" he asked instead of just leaving, heart still hammering because of how angry he had been a few minutes ago.

_If he wants to avoid you again, you're not going to let him._

“I don’t know yet,” the low voice murmured in reply.

“Tomorrow evening,” Areum commented, sitting on top of her father’s lap to make a mess out of his hair and press a kiss against his nose.

_He didn't want to tell you, did he?_

"Good," he breathed out right before making his way towards the boat rental. "I'll be there, so you better have some extra time, Hoseok."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 6

There was nothing bad about having a great life, a good relationship with somebody who was attractive and popular and demanding healthy communication about the past. Just that it was different for Hoseok. He still remembered the feeling of not being enough and trying to act on it, trying to do some exercises and look like those guys that Hyungwon fancied back in high school.

_Now that you think about it, it does sound a bit petty._

No matter what the other man said about being in love with him, he still could remember those glances, the way the full lips parted when his best friend saw an attractive guy, preferably buff and with a manly face.

_Couldn’t work that out, could you?_

How could he talk about those feelings when they suddenly appeared? He was 35, successful and satisfied, he should have had everything he wanted, but those feelings made him feel as if he was lacking, only because his best friend from high school, his first love, had a hot partner.

_You should be happy for him._

The other man’s reaction at the picnic that Hyungwon and his boyfriend had joined because of his daughter’s invitation had been a blow, reminding him that his behavior back then didn’t lead to anything good. Hyungwon was a great person not because of what he did, but despite it. Maybe it was better that he continued staying away, now that the misunderstanding was resolved and the neurosurgeon knew that he didn’t hate him, that he in fact had been hopelessly in love with him.

_But he doesn’t think so for some reason._

Knowing that the guy he got his workout routine from was Hyungwon’s boyfriend, he couldn’t bring himself to open a single video, even though the other man updated almost every day.

_You don’t want to see him suddenly._

The playful behavior and how Hyungwon wrapped his arms around the perfectly trained biceps made him furious, but he was sure that it had been the memories. The memories from back then telling him that he wasn’t enough, that he couldn’t compare and that it didn’t matter what he did because the person he liked would choose somebody else in the end.

_But you’re not even expecting anything. Shouldn’t you just… stop caring?_

Hoseok wanted to, he really did. That had been the reason for again trying to avoid too much interaction because he couldn’t bear the way Hyungwon looked at him. The gaze was bad enough, he didn’t need words accompanying it too.

_Maybe he will understand that there’s nothing much to gain from this and realize that maybe you should just let the past be the past and simply continue like colleagues do. No extensive personal talk and no naked hugging in the pool._

It was Monday evening and he had the hope that Hyungwon would reconsider going to the gym because of how he had behaved at work. His thoughts didn’t let him live and the other man’s comment about dreams was followed by another dream Sunday night, a pretty sexual one that took him by surprise.

_That’s why you need to run._

Maybe he liked running because running away from pain and discomfort was one of his character traits. Smiling at the thought, he let the intensive cardio program run and stretched his arms a bit as he warmed up on the treadmill. He felt exhausted from the insane surgery schedule that he brought upon himself and hoped that running until he couldn’t feel his body anymore would help and let him think nothing.

Suddenly, his earbud was removed from his left ear and a glance to the side revealed Hyungwon in his usual workout attire, ready to start his cardio routine.

"Running on a treadmill is much less effective when you're actually trying to run away from someone," the tall man remarked before pressing a kiss to the earpiece for no reason and hiding it in the pocket of his running shorts. "I saw your schedule. Looks like the emergency c-sections are back in the game."

_You didn’t think he would leave it like that, did you?_

Hoseok sighed and picked up his water bottle, glancing at the minute that he had before the intense workout would start and took a sip of his water.

“Is it one of those games where I have to corner you in a dark room and try to get my earbud back?” he asked instead of commenting on any of the actual issues Hyungwon had addressed.

"You could also just ask and stop avoiding me in return." The other man didn't look particularly fond of his reply, but the change in his gaze must have meant that Hoseok had touched a memory that they both shared.

“Will it feel better if I tell you that it is not because I don’t like you or feel traumatized or whatever? It’s not your fault and you did nothing wrong, you’re awesome, so you can give me my air pod and we will just run next to each other, like colleagues do.”

Hoseok tried to return his attention to the monitor of the treadmill, but the sensation of eyes on his face remained.

"What changed?" the other man's voice sounded next to him, followed by steps and Hyungwon's long index finger that simply cancelled his program with a button press. Only when he turned to look at the other man, he recognized the hint of anger he remembered mixed with something unfamiliar. "You're telling me that you didn't enjoy spending time with me, talking in the sauna and during the car ride back? So that was just my impression and I happened to act on it while you'd prefer not to have anything to do with me apart from numbing people while I work on their brains? Interesting, then why the fuck do you comfort me and spend time with me in the first place if you just want to be colleagues, Hoseok?"

_You shouldn't lie, even if you want to. He knows when you do._

The thought was a bit scary, that even though so much time passed, a person from his past was able to know whether he was being genuine or not.

"I enjoyed spending time with you. I really did. I comforted you because I care and I know so well how it feels when you think that you fucked up and start hating yourself for being reckless and irresponsible. I still think you did an amazing job." He chewed on his lips and felt stupid, standing on the treadmill.

As if he could tell, Hyungwon reached out and pulled him off before pushing just enough to have him lean against the side of the machine. It was the most physically proactive Hoseok had ever seen him with the exception of their teenage encounters.

"Then what is the problem with spending more time with each other?" Hyungwon asked before sighing and pulling his headband down to fix his bangs before he pushed it back up. "You can't shit me, Hoseok. I know that it's because we met on Saturday, I just don't understand what exactly went wrong yet."

"Why do you want to spend more time with me?" he asked in return, glancing around and deciding whether he felt comfortable being called out in the middle of the cardio area.

"Because it feels right." Hyungwon said, without hesitation as he groaned and reached out to hold onto the machine close to Hoseok's back. "Let me elaborate. We know each other from back then, but that alone isn't enough to get along. However, we still do. You're funny and more relaxed than I remember you, but I like it and it's enjoyable. I don't feel like I need to hold back with you or pretend to be somebody I'm not. It's nice and maybe my impression is wrong, but shouldn't you at least give me enough time to assess it properly?"

The elaboration caught him off guard and the sudden feeling of warmth at the compliments was sign enough that the conversation wasn't meant for the space they were in. Hoseok wrapped his fingers around the other man's slim wrist and pulled him towards the change rooms. When they entered and he was sure that they were alone, he sighed and carefully let go of the warm skin.

"I have the feeling that you did so well without me and despite my… mistake. So, seeing you happy on Saturday gave me the feeling that I should leave you be. That you are definitely better off without me in your life. I'm not saying we shouldn't talk, this isn't middle school, but you are… doing so well. I'm a bit hesitant to butt in."

"Choices, Hoseok." Hyungwon sat down on one of the benches and tugged on his arm until he ended up sitting next to the tall man. "Do you go through life seeing happy people and think: 'Oh, better not meet them, in case I end up ruining something'? That's not how it works. You've already seen so much of me, talked to me about being lonely and helped me when I fucking hated myself for making a mistake. What makes you think that you are butting in instead of helping? It's our choice what kind of people we want to have in our lives, so shouldn't you be more concerned with whether you want me to butt into yours?"

"Now that doesn't make any sense. I might feel many things, nice and less nice when I'm next to you, but you're not butting into my life. We're working together and we're getting along, but you're not some kind of encounter that turns everything around." Hoseok turned his head and looked at Hyungwon's side profile that looked familiar, but he couldn't tell whether he got used to it over the past few weeks, or if it was a memory.

Hyungwon chuckled suddenly before turning and reaching out to cup his face. The touch was unexpected but warm, slowly transforming from a caress of his cheek to Hyungwon's index finger and thumb squishing his cheeks together and turning his mouth into a ribbon.

"If I'm not butting into yours, then why should you be butting into mine, smart ass? I can write you a written invitation with my official signature and all if you require it, Dr. Lee."

"Because you don't seem to feel bad about it, apart from when I avoid you, whereas I sometimes do. I'm way pettier than you might think." Hoseok tried talking with his cheeks squished but reached for Hyungwon's hand and placed his on top, carefully removing the pressure. "Can't you just stay all awesome with all those things you wanted and me not having to see it?"

Silence stretched between them until the other man suddenly moved a little closer to meet his gaze. It had changed, but Hoseok couldn't tell how exactly.

"Just because I smiled during a walk on Saturday morning, does that mean I'm always happy?" Hyungwon asked before chewing on his cheek and stroking over his jaw carefully. "The question is why you can't bear to see it when I am."

_He misunderstood._

"It's not that I can't see you happy, Hyungwon. I'm happy that you are. It's that I left back then, because I assumed that you wanted something else and you're smiling while holding it in your hands," he whispered, gaze focused on the big eyes.

Hyungwon simply looked at him for a few seconds until the brown eyes widened in understanding, lips parting but hesitating to speak.

"But you are still judging based on your assumptions, Hoseok. You assume that it is what I wanted back then and you also assume that it is what I want now. Back then I wanted you and now I want to save lives." A brief tremble passed through Hyungwon's shoulders, but he brushed it off and removed his hand from his face only to intertwine their fingers. "Have you… ever thought about the fact that my conclusions might be the same if I judged based on my assumptions from back then? I thought you could never love a man and I couldn't give you a family, but now you have all these things that I wasn't able to give you."

_He's right, but he did judge based on his assumptions._

"You told me that having a house fits me and that I did everything the way society expected of me. In addition… to asking me whether I started working out because I didn't feel manly enough. Let's say we're even."

"I'm sorry." Hyungwon sighed and simply wrapped his arms around his neck, as if it was easier than the eye contact. "I said that because I recognized you and felt bitter about the way we parted. I hated you for telling me to avoid triggers because it was exactly what you did to me back then. It was childish and I buried it when we met at work. You're still right about my expectations. Both of us do the same. I assume that you are perfectly happy and I couldn't have given you that back then and you have the same conclusions."

"You are definitely giving me something, but I'm not sure that you know about it and I'm not sure that I want to talk about it in detail, but it's unique." He felt more at ease when Hyungwon wrapped his arms around him because he didn't have to meet the big eyes and fear that the other man knew what he was thinking. Hoseok inhaled and lifted his own arms, wrapping them around Hyungwon's waist and thinking how weird the position was because it seemed distant.

_What distance, you're hugging him, Hoseok._

"I like the word unique," Hyungwon murmured and buried his face in the crook of his neck. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but don't avoid me when both of us know that we enjoy each other's company. Let's figure this out slowly but steadily, starting with takeout at my place."

_Is he inviting you to his apartment?_

"But I'm so good at avoiding," he mumbled, trying to buy some time to think about the offer. There was nothing strange about it and Hyungwon had been at his place before, so nothing spoke against it. "Regarding your offer… I'd love to."

_It does feel strange to admit it._

Leaning back, Hyungwon smiled brightly and let go of his neck, leaving the cool air instead of pleasant body warmth.

"Then let's ditch your routine and eat instead, the ultimate workout crime," the other man remarked and went his locker in order to change back into his everyday clothes. "We can use your avoiding skills on more useful targets, like colds, accidents and generally unpleasant experiences. I prefer to think of myself as pleasant."

"I can't believe I'm ditching gym," he murmured, pulling his jeans over his butt and throwing his bag over his shoulder. "Did you come by bike? I could pick you up tomorrow morning and drive you back here if you need to pick it up."

Hyungwon grinned as he leaned against his locker and waited for him to get his jacket.

"Deal," he commented.

They didn't talk much on their way to the car and also not during the ride, confirming once again that they didn't have to talk to feel comfortable around each other. Somehow it was okay with or without words.

_But this feeling is still there. The unique one. The adrenaline that you love so much._

He felt a bit nervous when they arrived and he parked before leaving the car and following Hyungwon to the door and up the stairs. There was something exciting about it, because he was able to uncover another bit of the puzzle that Hyungwon was. No doubt many changes had occurred over the last fifteen years and Hoseok couldn't wait to get a glimpse of them.

The apartment door was a simple dark brown with wooden decorations, old but not to the degree that Hoseok would have considered it ancient. As soon as Hyungwon unlocked it, he gestured for him to enter a small hallway that contained a dresser, two bookshelves, a coat hanger and a shoe rack. It didn't seem extravagant but looked sturdy. The biggest change was that Hyungwon's parents had always lived in a big apartment, but the man in front of him didn't seem to consider that necessary anymore.

"Let me show you around," Hyungwon invited him with a smile and opened the first door on the right which led to a kitchen that was decorated in black and had space for a table with two chairs. One door further was the bathroom with a shower but no bathtub. On the left side Hyungwon showed him his living room, a spacious area with a big couch, pillow and blankets and a similarly big TV. It might have been the fullest room as the walls were covered in bookcases filled with medical books and classical literature. Hoseok identified one shelf that had two whole sections on contemporary LGBT+ literature, painted in a rainbow.

"Only the bedroom left." Hyungwon caught his gaze and made his way towards the second room on the left down the hallway. Upon entering Hoseok was caught off guard first, simply because the bed was the same. He couldn't tell if it was exactly the same, but the form and design was strikingly similar. The difference was that Hyungwon had blue sheets and that most of the space that wasn't occupied by his bed, contained his home office on the left. "That's pretty much it."

"I don't know how I imagined you were living, but before we met I thought of some crazy apartment in L.A. and you being a model or something, having big parties at your crib with a bunch of buff dudes." Grinning brightly, Hoseok pointed at the bed. "Is it really the same bed?"

"Huh?" Hyungwon turned to look at the frame of his bed until he finally understood. "Ah, yes. I inherited it from my grandma, that's why I never replaced it. I even got it fixed about four years ago when it decided that I was too fat to be standing on it to hang up that picture." Hoseok's eyes followed the long index finger to a small pencil drawing of a hand, identical to the one that had been pointing towards it.

"Impressive. The drawing is gorgeous too." Hoseok crossed his arms in front of his chest and smiled. "Well, the bed held out well, with all that magic happening over the years."

"You mean midnight study sessions for the medical exam? Definitely." Hyungwon sighed and let himself fall on top of the made-up bed, arms stretched out. To Hoseok's surprise, the bed didn't even make a noise. "Your view of me keeps surprising me. I don't even remember the last time I've been to a party. What crib with buff guys?" The other man chuckled.

"I meant before I met you again. But then again you do have a buff guy, but I guess it's the intimate, two people kind of parties then." He moved closer and wondered if it was okay to sit on the bed because there was no other furniture to sit on.

_Thinking about his boyfriend still makes you bitter. Maybe you should get over it._

Lifting his head from the sheets to look at him, Hyungwon reached out and tugged at his jeans once until he landed on top of the bed. Satisfied, the other man returned to his stretched-out position and pursed his lips.

"Yes, Hoseok. As crazy as it might be, I don't have parties, but I do have sex. Aren't you strangely upset about buffness considering that you look like a Greek statue yourself?" the low voice asked eventually as Hyungwon turned to the side and rested his head on his palm. "But since you seem so curious about private parties, he's not very often at my place because I usually go to his place, even though there's more equipment than space."

"I'm sorry. It's not my business how you spend your free time," he murmured and felt strange lying in the same bed that had so many associated memories with it.

_Like your first time._

The thought was unexpected and he remembered one of his dreams, feeling hot suddenly and turned to look at the ceiling.

Hyungwon hummed but must have been watching him as the other man's body remained turned towards him.

"Why does it occupy you though? Because it seems like I changed so much and don't jump the first person that looks willing?"

_You offend him with your own insecurities._

"I never thought that you jumped the first person who was willing. You had a certain type, at least from what I remember. You asked me whether I started working out because I didn't feel manly enough, well, I guess one could say that. You always seemed to like guys with masculine features and a muscular physique. Of course, I couldn't work out my face and still look like this, but I could work out my body. Not that it helped, but I feel good with it now, I guess." Hoseok turned to the side too and looked at the other man's big eyes. Didn't they want to get delivery?

"You really are a dumbass sometimes," Hyungwon murmured before reaching out with his free hand and stroking along his nose bridge, all the way down to his curved lips. "I'm sorry for assuming that you wanted to be manly. To be honest, one can look as buff as one likes and still not be a decent man. You don't have that problem because you are a good person. Also, physically… your face is beautiful and so is your body. Nothing about that judgement changed over the years, Hoseok. I considered you gorgeous back then and you're still gorgeous now. When we were in the sauna on Monday I stared way more than I should have."

_You didn’t. At least not the way you could have._

He swallowed but it wasn't just because of the other man's words, it was the way they resulted in a spike of adrenaline, mixed with the tingling against his nose and lips. He licked over them and contemplated what to say. "Thank you," he murmured finally. "You're gorgeous too. Even more so than back in the day."

"Is that so?" Hyungwon chuckled and rolled on his back, arms crossed under his head. "Maybe it's time for my own insecurities now. Back then I thought you didn't mind being close to me because I kind of looked like a girl. You said it too when you met me for the first time. So, when you say that you like me more now my brain goes 'even without all those soft and feminine features?'."

"Really? But that wasn’t the reason. I really liked the way you made me feel. Of course, you were beautiful back then too, but your face or body wasn't the reason for getting close to you. It doesn't really make sense that I liked having your thighs around my neck, your nails leaving red lines and your low voice if the feminine features were what I had been going for." He chuckled and lay on his back too. It was interesting how they always ended up talking about the past. Was it because there were so many things that remained unsaid, or because of how it influenced the here and now? "Anyways, I think you look better now and I hope that I look better now too."

"I like it." Hyungwon chuckled too and stretched out his hand, fingers spread as he examined the way the light of the lamp split in between the digits. "And that was surprisingly specific and definitely homoerotic, so I apologize for classifying you as somebody with no same-sex attractions all this time. Well, I was pretty sure they were there, I just thought you couldn't deal with them and therefore pretended that they weren't."

"I was insecure about liking you, I guess one could've misunderstood it. So… should we get delivery, or do you plan on laying on this bed full of memories and making me blush?"

"That depends… will it work?" Hyungwon laughed and sat up before pulling out his phone and scrolling through some options. "Let's order out. What do you like? There's everything around here and I've tried most of them out at least once to know if it's any good."

Hoseok remained on the bed and turned to the side, observing the other man who had retained some of his mannerisms, the way he brushed through his hair, or how he chewed on his cheek when he was thinking about something. He liked how his memories were integrated in the new experiences and situations with Hyungwon, making them less awkward but still triggering that feeling of excitement that he only knew from work. "Let's do what you like," he whispered.

"Dangerous," Hyungwon remarked with a grin, but didn't elaborate as he clicked some more on his phone and finally tucked it away. "Should be here in about thirty minutes. Can I offer you something to drink?"

"I'm so lazy suddenly. That's the dangerous bit, I skipped training and now I'm lying in your bed and don't want to go anywhere, what's next? Is that my downfall?" He grinned back and forced himself to sit up, rubbing his face and slapping his cheeks once.

"That's the thing with constantly running - as soon as you stop you realize how fucking exhausted you are." Hyungwon reached out to remove a strand of hair from Hoseok's face, gesture easy and without hesitation like touching had become natural again. "Not only when you run away from things, but also when you run from one emergency to the next."

The other man massaged his temples and made his way towards the kitchen where he opened his fridge and obviously considered what he could offer.

"Water, orange juice, an energy drink from before those studies on Taurine fucking you up came out and tonic is what I can offer you."

"You don't drink, I see. Living a healthy life, I approve. I'll take a tonic." Hoseok jumped from the bed and followed the other man to the kitchen, leaning against the counter and observing his motions with interest.

"There was a time right after the med exam where I drank quite a bit to deal with stress," Hyungwon began but didn't turn to look at him as he poured pink tonic into two glasses. "Ditched it when I had to perform a surgery and my hands were shaking. Told me two things, it was obviously too much and being a doctor doesn't mean you're invincible."

"You're right. You did well. Like with so many other things." Sighing, he lifted himself on the counter, thinking how funny it was that Hyungwon had a perfectly clean apartment when the other man had cluttered everything in his room back in the day.

_He's doing so well, so why would he want to add you to the equation?_

"You make it sound like my life is a movie and you're pumping your fist each time the main character accomplishes something." Turning around, Hyungwon pulled himself up on the counter next to him and handed him the glass of tonic. "Did you ever struggle with smoking? I realized it's kind of hard because half the hospital works on nicotine, but it also makes your fucking hands shake."

"Somehow I can't imagine your hands shaking… Although, I did see it once. I had to quit when I had to do longer surgeries. Felt bad wanting a break when everybody else was working. Peer pressure. And then in the ambulance there was no time anyway." Hoseok clinked their glasses and smiled, taking a sip. "I just feel a lot of respect towards you. Is it weird? Can't be weirder than hugging naked in a cold pool, can it?"

"Probably not," the other man replied and laughed. "I respect you too. You're amazing at what you do and you actually make sure to know everything about the patient, every little detail that could be crucial. I feel like there's barely any time for that nowadays. By the way, you know what also makes your hands shake? Sleep deprivation. Basically, being a surgeon, you get so little sleep, which results in you being a bad surgeon, like death being a side effect of meds that are supposed to save your life."

"Do you know what makes my hands shake?" He glanced at the handsome face and smiled. "You."

Hyungwon turned to look at him, not replying at first as he took a sip of his drink and lifted an eyebrow.

"Damn, you got smooth," the other man murmured and smiled to himself, tapping a random pattern on his glass. "You also made my hands shake. When we were at that wine bar and when you held me in that pool."

"Well, you were cold and angry, so I'll let that slide." Hoseok wiggled his eyebrows, drinking half of the liquid in his glass and placing it on the counter next to his hips. "Are you happy? I know it's something that isn't my business, but you got angry at me assuming that you had everything you ever wanted, so I'm curious."

"I guess the answer depends on when you ask. Right now, I am. I enjoy your company, it's interesting and I don't have to explain everything that I'm talking about because you know the basics. If you ask me towards the end of this week when I get home around midnight and stare at the ceiling, wondering if having somebody to come home to would make a difference, my answer might be no. Stuff like that, but as I said, it depends on the moment."

He hummed, staring at his thighs first before his gaze wandered to the black strands that hung in Hyungwon's big eyes, how he chewed on his cheek and glanced into his glass. Hoseok didn't know why he did it, but he lifted his hand, tracing the shell of Hyungwon's ear before stroking down the golden skin of the slim neck and finally pulling back. "Let me tell you that having somebody to come home to doesn't make you feel less lonely."

"Sad," Hyungwon whispered and chuckled right after, easing some of the melancholy by pulling his right leg up on the counter and wrapping his arm around it. "I imagine it to be different when there is a presence, even if you don't talk to them because they are asleep."

"Don't imagine it. It's basically you are coming home, everybody is asleep and you wonder whether you should feel bad for coming home late, but you love your job and that's what you chose so you try to quietly crawl under the blanket and not wake anybody up, still feeling bad. Tada. Don't be envious. Nothing to be envious about." He smiled and put both hands under his thighs to stop touching his colleague out of the blue.

"Sounds familiar," Hyungwon murmured and smiled too before reaching out and squeezing his thigh. "But you found somebody who still wants to be with you despite the love you have for your work. That's amazing, isn't it? A lot of my partners were envious and couldn't bear it, saying I preferred random strangers and their brains over them."

"Well, she didn't run away when she confessed and I told her that work is the only thing that ever made me happy, so I'm never going to give it up. But it's not…"

_Just shut up, Hoseok._

He didn't finish his sentence and grabbed his glass instead, emptying it. "I'm glad that you found somebody who accepts you and your love for your job."

"But it's not…?" Hyungwon didn't let him switch the topic as he stroked all the way to his knee before letting go and hugging his own knee instead.

"But it's not the way you're imagining it," he murmured and missed the touch of the long fingers. Maybe being next to Hyungwon was just like not wanting to leave work.

"Aren't things always different from how we imagine them? Just look at us." Hyungwon laughed and brushed through his dark hair. "It's the same with Elias. He doesn't struggle because I don't force him to."

"You don't force him to? What do you mean?"

"Well-" A hint of hesitation appeared that wasn't typical for how easily Hyungwon addressed everything, no matter how personal it was. "Let's say that he doesn't need to be lonely when he feels lonely. He lets me know and that's it."

_He doesn't have to be lonely?_

Hoseok didn't understand at first, but then he remembered the concept of open relationships and opened his mouth, unsure what to say to that. "So… you guys are in an open relationship? You aren't sexually exclusive? Sorry if I'm overstepping my boundaries, I'm just curious. So, you don't have to… feel lonely either if he doesn't have time?"

"You got it right." Again, he got a smile as Hyungwon rested his chin on top of his knee. "But in practice it's of course more about him feeling satisfied and me not feeling guilty. When he ends up meeting somebody and there's sexual tension, he lets me know and it's okay. For me… I'm at work and at home, that's basically it. I sometimes flirt at the gym, but I'm too exhausted to do anything in the end."

"I see. That's- good for both of you then, I guess." Somehow digging so deep didn't feel right, as if it wasn't his business and didn't concern him at all.

"I'm sorry again for asking. I don't know why I thought that it was okay."

"Don't worry, I asked you if you have enough sex with your wife to satisfy your libido." Hyungwon tilted his head and observed him while still resting it on top of his knee. "I guess we just work more and fuck less than back then. What development."

"I'm trying not to have any libido," Hoseok chuckled and nodded. "Works well, what a development." When the bell rang he jumped from the counter to help Hyungwon carry whatever he had ordered. It didn't look as unhealthy as ordering out suggested, boxes filled with shrimps, fresh salad and Vietnamese summer rolls with peanut sauce.

"Hope you like it, it's not too heavy on the stomach late at night." The tall man made his way to the living room and covered the small table with everything he bought before filling their tonic glasses in the kitchen and bringing them to their late-night dinner.

Grabbing a shrimp, Hyungwon peeled it and inserted it into his mouth before simply throwing himself on a bunch of pillows. "Why would you try not to have any libido though? It's also a good stress relief."

Hoseok bit into one of the rolls and chewed quickly, feeling the hunger as soon as he smelled the delicious food. "Well, it's easy, I'm always working, I don't have sex at work and I don't fuck at the gym either. When I come home everybody is sleeping, so like, the amount of asshole in me is not enough to wake up somebody who is sleeping but touching myself is kind of bothersome, so I just sleep."

Hyungwon chuckled and nodded before eating another shrimp by deliciously inserting it into his mouth and licking the remains from his fingers.

"That definitely makes sense. I think I wouldn't wake anybody up either, but I do feel like I need some distraction sometimes and take a nice shower. Maybe you were right about your constant assertion that I'm more sexual than you are? Or it's the fact that I'm alone and nobody can get hurt by whatever my hand does." Hyungwon shifted and glanced past a fluffy pillow until Hoseok was able to see both of his eyes. "But then you also have dreams, which is probably more exciting than whatever my brain is able to come up with."

"You talk so much about my dreams. Maybe I should stuff your mouth with this gigantic summer roll," Hoseok grinned and crawled over, straddling the other man's lap and trying to feed him the Vietnamese food.

Hyungwon yelped and tried to fight back, but gave up halfway through, laughing and trying to chew the delicious mixture of rice noodles, vegetables and mint at the same time.

"It's because I'm curious! Don't tell me you wouldn't be if I told you that I dream about you."

He had mercy and stuffed the rest of the roll into his mouth, chewing on it and contemplating his answer. He would definitely be curious.

"But you don't. It's just me," he murmured, suddenly very aware of how Hyungwon's thighs flexed under his own and that the other man's fingers were curled around his hips.

"I thought about it though," the low voice replied, one mouth corner lifting in a slight grin. "I generally don't dream a lot. For me everything happens consciously in my mind."

"I usually don't dream. That's why it's so weird. Let's hope that it stops soon." Swallowing briefly because of the adrenaline that suddenly flooded his veins due to the sight under him, Hoseok carefully climbed off the other man's lap.

"I don't really see a problem with it though," the other man replied immediately and tugged at his arm to make him fall right back on top of him. "It's human. You don't have to be ashamed of dreaming what you dream and you don't have to try to run away as soon as you realize you talk about sexual dreams while being on top of me."

He gasped, propping both arms on each side of Hyungwon's face. The person under him was so incredibly chill about this whole thing because he wasn't the one with the dreams in the end. "And what should I be doing instead of running away?" he asked quietly and licked his lips.

_Stop talking about it and climb off._

Hoseok looked at the handsome face that was so close suddenly. He watched Hyungwon's lips part, a pretty mole visible in the middle and a tiny piece of noodle stuck to it. Hoseok focused on the little piece of food as if his life depended on it and reached for it carefully before putting it into Hyungwon's parted mouth, fingers acting all by themselves as he stroked over the other man's plump lips, feeling the texture and exhaling sharply.

_This is not a memory._

"I should be eating," he murmured and climbed off, quickly sitting in his previous spot and grabbing a shrimp to peel it even though he didn't even like shrimp much.

Hyungwon sat up slowly while observing him, eyes wider than usual, but not sufficiently to qualify as surprise. There was something different to the other man's face and Hoseok realized that his memories simply didn't provide him with the right emotion for what he could see in front of him. It was Hyungwon in the present and he simply didn't know that man sufficiently to predict what he was thinking and feeling.

_In the end it’s obvious that you don’t know him._

"You should be spending time with me without the fear of being judged," Hyungwon replied eventually and took the shrimp from his hands before peeling it delicately and holding it out to him to eat.

Hoseok stared and shook his head briefly, one mouth corner lifting up a bit. “I’m not scared of being judged by you. I guess we really are different people now, after all those years.” Wrapping his fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist, he made the other man eat the peeled shrimp. “I don’t like shrimps.”

Glancing at his watch and realizing how late it already was, he stood up and carried some of the containers into the kitchen to discard them, washing his glass and placing it in the sink to dry before going back to the living room and stopping in the door frame to look at the tall man on the couch. “When do you want me to be here tomorrow?” he asked.

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, letting a second or two pass until he stood up and made his way over to him, big eyes settled on his face.

"Why... are you leaving?" the low voice asked quietly while fingers wrapped around the doorframe, losing some of their color. "It's not my judgement I don't want you to be scared of, Hoseok. It's your own."

“Why do you think that I’m scared? Do I look scared to you?” He reached for the other man’s hand and carefully loosened the grip of the long fingers. “It’s late.”

"You didn't care about that last time." Hyungwon inhaled and wrapped his fingers around his hand in turn, thumb stroking over the back of it as those brown eyes watched him. It almost seemed like the other man expected something to happen, just like the way he had at the sauna. "You don't look scared, but you always pull away your hand in the end. I can't help but wonder why."

“I don’t know. I guess I don’t want to make a mistake. There are no defined boundaries so I feel lost.” Glancing down at their hands intertwined, he wondered if it was what Hyungwon meant. It had such a prominent interpretation, didn’t it? When he touched Hyungwon’s lips it wasn’t a joke, so how easy was it to just do something because his body remembered how easy it had been back then?

"But are these boundaries going to change anything?" Hyungwon stepped closer and let go of his hand, fingers dancing along his arms and shoulders instead until he was able to lean in and wrap around his neck. "We can decide on a boundary, but embracing is still going to feel right, at least to me. That's what I mean by not being judged. You're judging yourself for doing it, but will that boundary really change anything?"

“You’re stupid,” he murmured, wrapping his arm around Hyungwon’s waist and pulling the other man closer, face buried in the warm crook of his neck. It was a mixture of adrenaline and calmness, as if he belonged in those arms because like Hyungwon said, it just felt right. “I’m not judging myself for it, it feels right to me. Way more than staring at you and feeling like we don’t know each other.”

"I don't feel that way when I look at you," Hyungwon murmured and stroked over his hair. The other man's long fingers easily slipped in between his strands to rake through them and keep him close. "I know that you aren't the Hoseok from back then, but somehow you're still Hoseok who understands. I told you about my life because it seemed okay to share, okay to trust you with my loneliness and obsession with work. You seem… to understand. I can't really explain it even though it feels like nobody else really does."

“I hate meaningless conversation, it makes me go crazy and I want to throw things at you. I hate that you assumed that I should be all happy and satisfied living my life the way I always wanted because it makes me feel like you know nothing about me. And then, when I’m about to leave because I don’t want to spend my limited time in meaningless conversation and superficial bullshit, you just come here like this and make it all crumble. Of course, it feels right. I understand you so much.” He felt unwilling to lift his head and murmured the words against Hyungwon’s warm neck, letting the tangerine scent fill his senses.

The other man rested his chin on top of his head and hummed as he kept stroking over his hair and held him close.

"I'm sorry," Hyungwon breathed out, stretching the following silence a little longer until he continued. "I guess I look for ways to keep your hands close, but I'm just not finding them."

Leaning back, he let his arm travel from Hyungwon’s waist to his side before lifting it next to the other one, holding both palms out. “You can have them,” he offered.

"Even without jokes or pointless conversation?" Hyungwon chuckled, but his gaze was focused on his hands. Reaching out, the other man let his long fingers stroke from the bottom of Hoseok's palm to the tips of his fingers, carefully as if he didn't want to overwhelm him in any way.

When brown eyes glanced up to meet his, Hyungwon sank his fingers into the spaces between his own and lifted them to his lips, pressing a kiss to each knuckle.

The gesture was meaningful and he licked over his lips to return moisture and lifted their intertwined hands to his own lips, kissing each of the other man’s precious fingers. “The least that your hands deserve,” he murmured with a smile and used his other arm to pull Hyungwon against his chest by the grip around the narrow waist that he could feel under the white work shirt.

"Your hands have always been so delicate. That didn't change," Hyungwon murmured into his ear right before exhaling and returned his arms around his neck, as if he belonged there, standing in the other man's hallway.

Hoseok smiled and walked backwards with one arm around Hyungwon and almost stumbled over the coffee table before he felt the soft couch against his calf and fell back, taking the other man along. “Is it that you didn’t want me to leave, or that you didn’t want me to leave while feeling distant?” he asked.

"Both," the other man replied and pressed his lips against the skin below Hoseok's ear. "I didn't want you to go right back to your game of not knowing that I exist unless I have something to say to you during surgery. There's no in-between with you, either I get a poor excuse for a work colleague or I have you in my arms. I prefer the second."

“Who knows, maybe it’s me and my experience from back then. Maybe if I offer him a lack of closeness, he will finally accept because that’s what he actually wants.” Smiling, he glanced at the clock on Hyungwon’s Blu-ray player. It was fucking late, but he was still going to stay because as Hyungwon said before, in the end he didn’t really care about the time when they were together.

"The question is why he wants it if all this time he wanted the opposite." Hyungwon sighed and shifted on top of him, lean legs arranging around his own until one slipped in between his thighs. "Maybe it's time for the present Hoseok to make his own decisions?"

“I’ll stay until you tell me to leave or start asking how I jerk off,” he murmured and buried his face next to Hyungwon’s cutely curled ear. “That’s my decision.”

The other man remained quiet at first before placing a kiss against his hair and lifting his head to look at him, eyes big and impossibly close.

"You wanted to pick me up and drive me to work, didn't you?" A smile played around the corners of the plump mouth. "You could save time and... just stay."

_Just… stay?_

Another glance and a simple calculation told him that he would have exactly four hours to sleep if he went home right now, but about six if he stayed. Chewing on his cheek and throwing a brief glance at the big eyes in front of him, he pulled out his phone and wrote a short message, telling Yura that he wouldn’t come home tonight. After a few seconds he realized that he had held his breath and exhaled all at once, gaze traveling back to Hyungwon’s face.

“Then… I’ll… just stay.”

***

_He's giving you whiplash._

After an intimate situation where they once again embraced naked in a pool, led to another phase of Hoseok deciding that he had no idea who the fuck he actually was and didn't want to talk to him any more than necessary.

_Of course, you took the one offer to be able to see him outside of work._

Hyungwon had thought that convincing the other man to come with him might be difficult. He anticipated that Hoseok wouldn't immediately believe that he enjoyed his company immensely and felt at ease next to him. It wasn't only about facing his fears and embracing, but also about having somebody who actually listened to his concerns and seemed to understand them somehow.

_Isn't the fact that you prefer seeing him over work enough yet?_

His excitement was difficult to contain when the other man not only ditched his workout in order to spend time with him, but also agreed to come to his apartment and have takeout. Hyungwon's plans hadn't been very specific, nothing beyond pulling Hoseok out of the usual environment he was in and getting to know more about him.

At first it seemed to work and their conversation went smoothly, as if there was nothing they couldn't talk about. Hoseok asked personal questions and Hyungwon didn't mind answering them, learning about loneliness and that they had much more in common than meets the eye.

Hyungwon liked it, he liked it too much to be honest. So much that the additional signs of affection that seemed to occur between them, the careful brushes of fingers against his, the way their thighs touched, all these things felt necessary to him. If a few weeks ago a mere greeting and friendly reply had been enough for him, now he hated each instance during which Hoseok pulled his hands back, held his breath to pretend that they weren't close and didn't dare say it when he wanted Hyungwon to touch him again.

_Like a puzzle you have to solve all by yourself and he doesn't want to give you any hints._

He tried by creating situations, by sitting side by side on the counter, by observing the way Hoseok acted when they were in the living room and devouring the food. Unfortunately, the signs that he kept looking for were fleeting, even if he was able to evoke them somehow.

_He's scared of something, but you cannot tell what it is._

In the end, when Hoseok was right on top of him, only centimeters apart as a thumb brushed over his lips, Hyungwon understood that it must be fear of something that Hoseok forced upon himself. They were close and Hyungwon's heart was beating furiously, but nothing had happened that required Hoseok to move back and pretend to enjoy eating something that he actually disliked.

_It's like both of you are dancing around an umbrella without hiding under it and in the end both of you get soaked._

Whiplash was right back to get him when Hoseok suddenly stood up and decided to leave, just like that, even though he had never cared about the time before.

_Choices, Hyungwon. You also make them all the time._

The way Hoseok loosened his grip on the doorframe told him that he was being obvious, shaking because he hated the fact that whatever both of them had been trying to do failed because they didn't say it.

_You hate that he offers affection but takes it back, but you also don't say anything._

Hoseok had been the same, hating Hyungwon's attempts to initiate closeness through meaningless conversation but deciding to leave instead of addressing it.

_Why do you need to be so close that you stop bullshitting in order to feel at ease?_

Hyungwon couldn't explain it. He didn't have a rule book for it and the boundaries that Hoseok kept talking about weren't going to help them either. Nothing described it because the two of them had created their closeness by themselves, fueled it with their conversations and their constant need to touch in some way.

_It doesn't even qualify as sexual, you just want to be close somehow._

Maybe that was why his hopeless attempts to get closer by pulling their conversation into the sexual had backfired. Because it wasn't what the touches automatically entailed.

The switch was so sudden. In one moment Hoseok was about to leave him all over again without solving whatever happened between them and in the next they were lying on the couch as the other man told his wife that he wasn't going to come home.

_For you there's nobody that you have to tell._

It was late, but Hyungwon still enjoyed the second that turned into minutes, the way Hoseok hugged him and bore his weight. Their faces were close, but Hyungwon used the time to examine those round, almost black eyes, the straight nose, the curved lips, the round jaw. All of it. Hoseok had grown up, but he was still remarkably beautiful if not more so.

_Is that what he means by liking you more now? Maybe it's the same._

"I know that telling you to stay so you can sleep more, but not letting you sleep is counterproductive, but-" he smiled and kissed the tip of Hoseok's nose, this time consciously, "but I like it so much."

There was a low chuckle and Hoseok shifted under him. "I like it too. I'm just a little nervous because I haven't slept anywhere but at the hospital or in an ambulance for the past few years. It's exciting."

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little at that even though his sleeping experience didn't extend much further than the hospital, his apartment and Elias' place either.

"My bed is definitely more comfortable than any of the options you mentioned," he remarked and finally collected the strength to lift his body away from Hoseok's and observe the other man's muscular chest, visible because the fabric of his shirt was stretched on top of it. "I should have a toothbrush for you too unless you take one to the gym."

_You're still lying on top of him, but you really don't want to move until you absolutely have to, do you?_

"I have one in my bag because I once had to run to an emergency and didn't go home for sixteen hours after that, so I always make sure to have basic skin care, deodorant, fresh underwear and a toothbrush. I would just need to go down and get it out of the car. I don't want to move." Hoseok chuckled, snuggling deeper into the pillows and looking up at him before pulling him back on top of himself.

_You're not the only one._

"Then don't bother getting it. I'll give you a toothbrush and you can see about the rest tomorrow." Inhaling Hoseok's scent, he brushed his nose along the other man's jaw until he decided to trace the same trajectory with his lips. Something told him it might have been a little too much, but he still did it, tasting a hint of Hoseok's skin when he licked over his lips.

"Wow," Hoseok murmured, hands tightening around his shirt. "What to do with all this adrenaline?"

"Why adrenaline?" he asked immediately and lifted his head. Suddenly he felt grateful that even though he wasn't buff, he weighed enough to not be carelessly discarded as soon as Hoseok decided to stand up. "You're not planning to run away from me again, are you?"

"That depends on what you're going to ask me. I just meant adrenaline because sometimes you make me feel the same way work does. Like the feeling that I really love about work, the adrenaline that I get from working. You can do that too." Smiling briefly, the other man sat up, but kept his arms around him. "I'll take the toothbrush offer. I really don't want to go anywhere."

Hyungwon's eyes were caught by the genuine smile, but his mind thought about the comparison. Was that the reason he ended up choosing Hoseok over work? Was there something about the other man that enabled him to feel a similar sense of accomplishment, of control?

"I never thought about it that way," he murmured eventually and finally forced himself to get up too, halfway kneeling with one thigh in between Hoseok's as he tried to convince himself to stand up the rest of the way. "I mean what exactly is it about work that I love? I think for me it is a sense of control, of knowing exactly what I'm doing and how important it is with each motion of my fingers. You're a little difficult to control."

_He's a whirlwind._

"How would you control me if you could?" Hoseok asked and stood up, pushing him forward towards the bathroom while holding him by the grip on his waist.

_He shouldn't be asking you that._

"Possibilities of the past and the present mix inside my mind which makes that question dangerous," he replied realizing how easily Hoseok took initiative, leading him to the bathroom while ensuring that they were still touching.

_You really don't want to let go, do you?_

"No, but really, if you could control me right now, what would you want me to do? Brush your teeth?" Hoseok must've understood very well what he meant but still chose to joke about some innocent thing, grinning brightly.

Hyungwon looked at the handsome face and each of the features, eyes passing over Hoseok’s broad neck, his muscular chest, firm thighs and at the same time delicate hands. The other man's question had been playful, but Hyungwon's eyes returned to Hoseok's face and there was no doubt what he would have wanted Hoseok to do. What he wanted Hoseok to do.

_You want him to kiss you._

Chuckling too, he pulled his eyes away from the curved lips and took a deep breath to contain the thought for once. There was no point in boundaries, but Hyungwon felt this one too much, too much to assume that it wouldn't have any consequences he hated. There was no joking way to say it without it meaning what it meant.

"Maybe I would turn you into my human blanket," he finally answered with a grin, before turning around in Hoseok's embrace and reaching for his own toothbrush and handing Hoseok an unused one.

"You might be lying, but I'll act as if I believe you." Smiling again, Hoseok let go of his waist and brushed his teeth thoroughly, before using some of his mouth wash and washing his face with cold water, turning the pale cheeks pink.

"Do you need anything to wear?" Hyungwon asked, observing the healthy color on Hoseok's face and thinking about all the occasions during which it had looked like that.

"I don't wear much when I sleep but… I can wear something if you like. Like a shirt if you give me one."

"Why would I force you to wear something? I don't bother either." Hyungwon brushed through his hair and glanced at Hoseok's clothed body one more time, realizing that the other man had been shyer about his sleepwear back then. "You can sleep whichever way you like, just be prepared that I might enjoy the sight."

"Nothing you haven't seen at the sauna, I assume." Hoseok walked into the bedroom first and tried to determine which side was occupied. It was difficult because Hyungwon happened to be rather thorough about making his bed and since he rolled around there was something on both bedside tables.

"Want to know where I sleep?" he asked with a smile as he pulled his shirt over his head and slipped out of his jeans. When his socks joined the rest of his clothes in the laundry basket, he simply turned around and let himself fall on the middle of the bed, enjoying the texture of the blanket against his mostly naked skin.

"You liked sleeping on the right, but I guess now you like to have it all for yourself. I usually sleep on the left, but to be honest, I don't really care." Hoseok unbuttoned his shirt and let it slip off his shoulders before reaching for his socks and then finally the button of his jeans, pulling down the zipper before sliding the fabric down his muscular legs and remaining in tight black underwear. Hyungwon observed it all from his spot on the bed and debated whether it was appropriate to mention the past now that Hoseok already did.

"I always slept on the right when you were there," he commented eventually and rolled to the side before lifting the gigantic blanket and inviting Hoseok to climb in. There was something strange to the gesture, but as soon as Hoseok sat down at the edge of the bed, Hyungwon realized it was memories of the past.

_Because your bed is the same._

"Feels a bit familiar," the low voice murmured, but he couldn't think about it much because the warmth of Hoseok's body next to him caught him off guard.

_When was the last time you weren't alone?_

"Is this the point at which I try to control you?" he asked and let his right-hand travel further from his side until it reached Hoseok's naked shoulder, stroking over it.

"Would you like to?" Hoseok turned and looked at him, eyes intense and not hesitating to hold his gaze. There was nothing of the shy boy who stared at the ceiling when Hyungwon touched him and pretended that it was all still considered friendship.

"Maybe that is the excitement that you talked about, the moments when it doesn't quite work." His breaths sounded loud even though he had done nothing apart from stroking over Hoseok's shoulder. Now his fingers were tracing the prominent collarbone and travelling lower to the other man's naked chest. "I beckon for you to come and let me lead you, but in the end, you fade like a ghost."

He could feel the puff of air that left the heart-shaped nostrils when he let his fingers dance on the pale skin and see the curved lips part when he brushed over an erect nipple, making Hoseok reach for his hand, holding it in place and staring at him.

"Shht," the other man hissed at him and pulled him into his arms, wrapping one around his waist and inhaling the scent of his skin.

Hyungwon listened, merely holding his breath until his body was flush against Hoseok's and he dared to inhale the now familiar scent. It had already begun to overshadow the lemon scent he remembered and Hyungwon found himself preferring it.

As the minutes ticked by, he could hear Hoseok’s breaths become steady and the tight embrace loosened around him slowly, indicating that the man in his arms had fallen asleep.

Hyungwon shifted a little, just enough to be able to look at Hoseok's sleeping face. He observed the way eyelashes covered round cheeks, and lips that were parted slightly as regular exhales left the other man's nose. The situation was familiar, reminding him that while Hoseok had found the time to observe his sleeping face in the morning, Hyungwon's time had always been the night.

_You always needed longer to fall asleep and in the end your eyes always travelled to his face._

It was different this time, but no less magical. Hyungwon moved a little closer and dared to press his lips against Hoseok's jaw, just enough to test how deep his sleep was and whether he could feel the touch.

_But you aren't doing it just to recreate history. You're doing it because just like back then you cannot help it._

His lips travelled further, brushing over a soft cheek and trembling from an exhale that grazed his bottom lip as he leaned over Hoseok's face, breaths ragged with excitement and adrenaline.

_This is your adrenaline, isn't it?_

At first, he hesitated, knowing that it had been Hoseok who called it betrayal, who was upset with him for taking a feeling for himself that could have been shared between them.

_Only that this time too it cannot be shared._

Somehow Hyungwon found himself in a similar situation, knowing that sharing the touch might result in the one thing he kept trying to fight.

_He will run again._

His hands were trembling where they held onto Hoseok's shoulders, but he didn't mind this time. There was no way to contain it as he carefully leaned in until his lips touched the curved mouth corners, only briefly as a test, until he finally dared to apply just a hint of pressure.

The warmth that spread throughout his chest was difficult to describe, the same kind of whirlwind that he knew he couldn't control. It was a new sensation, but one that impacted him at least as much as the one that had burned itself into his mind.

Lifting his head, he licked over his lips and observed the curved mouth that showed no sign of being kissed, as if it hadn't happened in the first place and Hyungwon's mind was only playing tricks on him.

He carefully lay down next to the gorgeous man and turned so that the muscular chest was pressed against his back, keeping him warm. Taking Hoseok's arms, he wrapped them around himself, inhaling the comforting scent and listening to the breaths that tickled skin and reminded him that it was really happening. Hoseok was in his apartment, in his arms, after fifteen years and still they weren't able to share the feeling of a mutual kiss.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 7

An unfamiliar sound ripped him out of a pleasant dream that he couldn’t remember but judging by the fact that he didn't want to leave it, it must’ve been a nice one. It was warm, way warmer than usual and he tried moving, but surprisingly the motion triggered a spark of pleasure right between his legs.

_Are you still dreaming?_

It didn’t seem like it and he shifted again, motion resulting in another sensation that forced a gasp from his lips. It felt good, but he could not explain why he was feeling this way early in the morning. Was it even morning?

_Isn’t that sound an alarm?_

Opening his eyes, he looked down on himself, but there was just the blanket and a bunch of black hair right in front of his face. When he finally located his arm and tried to move his fingers, they squeezed some part of a warm body under the blanket.

_Okay, what’s going on?_

The body in front of him shifted just enough to free a big hand with long fingers from the thick blanket. A stretched-out index finger reached all the way to a bedside table where it pressed a button and covered them in silence again.

"Five minutes," a low and hoarse voice, still laced with sleep, commented before the hand disappeared under the blanket again and tugged at his arms to wrap them further around a lean body. Another wave of pleasure followed as the person in his arms pushed his behind against his groin.

This time his gasp was very prominent and he fought his body's reaction of wanting to feel it again. Feeling aroused didn’t help thinking clearly. Clearing his throat, he let his eyes slide over the sheets and the wall across from him.

_You’re at Hyungwon’s place. You stayed at his place._

“Oh god,” he murmured in disbelief and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Which is why there's another five minutes, so sleep," Hyungwon's voice mumbled before shamelessly using him as an additional blanket again, naked legs intertwining.

“I don’t think I can sleep,” he murmured, holding his breath and being completely unable to associate the position with anything else but his first time. “Aren’t you uncomfortable?”

_With your morning erection against his butt._

"It's perfect," Hyungwon whispered and as if to prove his point, he pushed his behind against his groin again as long fingers danced over his arms. "But you can also use the time to wake up, that's what those five minutes are for."

_Perfect?_

“Oh, I’m perfectly awake,” he muttered after gasping because Hyungwon didn’t give a shit that he was sensitive and wasn’t used to waking up by having somebody rub their ass against his morning erection. “I’m not sure how you can sleep like… that.”

"I like it warm and cozy," the other man murmured before sighing as the alarm began to ring again. Turning it off with his index finger, Hyungwon reluctantly unwrapped Hoseok's arms from around his middle and freed himself from his cocoon of blankets.

Blinking sleepily, the other man sighed once more and brushed through his messy hair as he sat up and glanced in Hoseok's direction.

"Shit, did I make you uncomfortable?" Hyungwon exclaimed, eyes widening before he rubbed the sleep out of them. "Don't listen to me after the first alarm, I probably say whatever and shamelessly use you as a body warmer. I'm sorry."

_He was sleepy, it’s okay._

“No worries. I was judging your definition of cozy.” He smiled and sat up too, letting the blanket pool in his lap because he was definitely rock hard after all that unconscious rubbing. “You can brush your teeth and do your morning routine. I need a minute.”

Hyungwon followed his gaze to his lap briefly before sucking his lips into his mouth and nodding.

"I'll take a shower, but the door doesn't have a lock anyway, so just come in whenever you're ready." Right before climbing off the bed, the other man must have changed his mind and turned back again, observing his face until the brown eyes slipped down to his naked chest. Hyungwon let his index finger brush over the area where his collarbones met, causing a barely visible shudder to pass through his body. "You still… blush here when you're aroused. I like it."

_He remembers it?_

He chewed on his cheek and lifted one corner of his mouth meeting the other man’s gaze. “And you are still so nonchalant about everything including my morning erection. I'd like to take a quick shower too, if you lend me a towel.” Exhaling his concerns, he shifted to the edge and stood up despite being very obviously aroused and walked to the bathroom, waiting for Hyungwon in the doorframe.

The other man was obviously staring but managed to pull his eyes away as he climbed off the bed and simply discarded his underwear in a laundry basket close to the wardrobe.

"I'm not nonchalant," Hyungwon muttered eventually, revealing that he wasn't entirely unaffected as he made his way to the bathroom and took out a towel which he handed to Hoseok before relieving himself and entering the shower along with his toothbrush.

_Not nonchalant, huh?_

Hoseok chuckled at the very obvious nonchalance and how Hyungwon seemed completely okay with running around naked in his home, taking care of his business and brushing his teeth in the shower while Hoseok stood in his bathroom and watched. If that wasn’t nonchalance then what was?

_If he isn’t weird about it, maybe you shouldn’t be either._

Sighing, he brushed his teeth, listening to the sounds of the shower and glanced at the reflection of the handsome man who didn’t seem to care, soaping his lean body and being super okay with sleeping next to him in a spooning position that Hoseok had avoided for over fifteen years.

_You’re not eighteen and inexperienced, so you can’t really act dumb and naive about this, can you?_

He couldn’t. At the same time, was it really necessary to think about it deeply? Hoseok walked the few steps towards the shower and took off his underwear, before simply opening the glass door and stepping inside.

“Can I join?” he asked, voice way lower after sleep and inhaling the mist that was in the air because of how hot Hyungwon showered. When the fog dissipated and he was able to see, he saw the smooth line of Hyungwon’s back transitioning into the round hips, covered in drops. Staring and unable to tear his gaze away, Hoseok let it travel over the slim waist upwards until he saw the black eyes focused on him as Hyungwon turned to look at him, black strands soaked and hanging into the handsome blushed face. “We could save time,” he whispered.

"Come here," Hyungwon replied, but his voice was no more than a whisper that he struggled to hear against the sound of water covering their skin and the shower walls. Reaching out, the tall man wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him against the slim body before closing the glass door again.

When the sound of the door closing dissipated and only left the water hitting against tiles, Hoseok looked up, meeting Hyungwon’s gaze and licking some of the drops from his lips. The tension was thicker than the mist in the shower stall and he inhaled deeply, trying not to roll his eyes at how good Hyungwon’s arm felt around his waist. He chewed on his cheek without saying a single word and stepped under the spray, pulling the other man along and letting water cover his vision.

"You don't smell like lemon anymore, but I think I like the way you smell now more," Hyungwon whispered before reaching past his cheek and taking a bottle of shower gel from a rack. There weren't many things, only shampoo, shower gel, conditioner and a pitch-black bottle that must have been lube.

Pouring some of the liquid on his hands, Hyungwon smiled and turned the spray of water away from them before letting his fingers dance over his chest and covering him in the scent of tangerine.

“Now I’ll have the tangerine scent. I like it.” He continued chewing on his lips because of the suspense, as if he expected something to happen or himself to do something, but his hands remained steady around Hyungwon’s hips.

_Remarkable. Maybe that’s the difference between then and now._

“I’m glad that you like my scent more now. I can’t remember your scent back then. Just the tangerine one from now.”

"Maybe it's better that way." Hyungwon briefly met his gaze before returning his attention to his body, sinking to his knees to cover his thighs and legs with foam too. The other man must have known the implications of what he was doing, eyes locked with his while hands kept moving. "You keep saying that you don't want to confuse the past with the present. You… feel different under my fingertips."

He was thirty-five, experienced and proud of his calm reactions. but Hyungwon was so good at straining them in a way he couldn’t have imagined. Inhaling deeply, he closed his eyes for a few seconds, but the feeling of Hyungwon’s fingertips around his thighs wasn’t any easier to take without a specific reaction.

_When did this switch?_

“You touching me feels different too,” he commented but didn’t bother explaining what he meant. Instead he reached for the shampoo and quickly massaged it into his hair before looking down at Hyungwon and contemplating washing the black hair as he already had the shampoo in his hands. Reaching down, he stroked the liquid into the other man’s strands before massaging the mixture into his scalp.

Hyungwon hummed and let his eyes flutter shut, visibly enjoying the sensation as his hands travelled over Hoseok's inner thighs and calves to his feet, which he also carefully stroked over.

"We shouldn't take too long, I allow myself a thirty-minute routine," the other man murmured eventually and let his hands run back up. Instead of sliding over his hips the way they had before, Hyungwon let his fingers brush over his groin and curl around his length once to cover it with foam as well before he stood up, eyes a hint darker than before.

“Living dangerously,” he whispered and released the breath that he has been holding and stepped under the spray, throwing his head back and taking a few seconds under the water to sort out his thoughts. “I joined to save time, remember?” He turned and used his arm to pull Hyungwon flush against his body and under the spray. The way his brain reacted with more adrenaline was addicting, making him bite on his bottom lip and only reluctantly loosen his grip.

"You said my touch feels different now," Hyungwon whispered and spread his long fingers against his chest, sliding them down to his hips. "Maybe it isn't dangerous anymore."

“Oh, you’re wrong. It’s more dangerous because there’s no misunderstanding behind it, Dr. Chae,” he whispered in reply, turning off the shower and catching Hyungwon’s hand right in time before lifting it to his lips. Staring into the dark eyes, Hoseok kissed each of the long fingers before letting go and opening the door.

He could hear Hyungwon inhale sharply and not follow him immediately, probably using the few seconds that he stayed surrounded by glass walls to compose himself, just like Hoseok tried to do the same as soon as cool air touched his skin. When he had wrapped the soft towel around his hips, he picked up another one and walked back, stretching it out for Hyungwon.

"Let's hope you don't come up with one until we're at work." Hyungwon smiled, but Hoseok didn't miss the obvious hint at his tendency to avoid contact whenever something major happened between them. "I'll make you a coffee. Black just like at work?"

Drying himself quickly, Hyungwon ruffled up his black hair and hung up his towel on a heater that was attached to the wall. Remaining naked, the tall man left the bathroom and made his way towards the bedroom where he slipped into tight underwear and elegant workwear as usual. He was beautiful.

Hoseok followed and simply put on his jeans without underwear, deciding to change into a fresh pair at work and buttoning up his blue shirt. “Black sounds good,” he commented and followed Hyungwon to the kitchen, still observing the way the other man moved, how he used his hands or brushed his hair out of his eyes when it annoyed him. Hyungwon was a handsome man, grown up and successful and Hoseok was suddenly so aware of how much they still liked each other after meeting again, being different in many ways, but still able to understand, having the wish to touch each other, not because of the past, but because they wanted to.

_And that’s the dangerous bit._

“There is not much to be misunderstood about this,” he whispered.

_

“How much time do you have before you have to be on call?” Yura asked, leaning against the doorframe, watching him pick out a shirt and dark blue jeans. His clothes only mattered if he wanted to go somewhere else after work and usually he didn’t go anywhere.

“Forty minutes,” he murmured, and scratched at the seam of the towel that he wrapped around his hips after showering. “Why?”

“Just thinking. It makes me happy that you spent time with a colleague because I feel like all you do is work and nothing else, and that isn’t really healthy, is it? Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I think that you’re a weirdo or anything but going out and talking to people who are not wearing masks and throwing Latin names around is a good thing. Why don't you ask Hyungwon whether he wants to come over again? Perhaps when you stay with the kids this weekend. Areum was asking about dad’s boyfriend, I thought that was really adorable.” Yura grinned and threw her towel into the basket, remaining naked.

_Areum said he’s your boyfriend? Great._

“Why would I force him to be here when I’m just hanging around with the kids?” he asked instead of commenting on the boyfriend part. “It was fun though. Spending time together with him. A lot of fun. I want to do it again.” He lifted his gaze from his jeans that he pulled over his legs. Yura just smiled at him, nodding and encouraging him to create a ‘stronger relationship’ with people that he liked, laughing at his comment that intensity could be very different.

_It’s as if she can’t imagine you having any intense feelings in the first place._

But he was thirty-five and he knew himself so well, he knew the way he reacted, he knew how he dealt with physical attraction and he knew his own thoughts. Maybe Yura was right and he couldn’t have any intense feelings towards anything apart from work, but why was he awash in adrenaline next to Hyungwon then? Was it work related? Because Hyungwon reminded him of work?

_You have never reacted sexually to work, you know that's bullshit, Hoseok._

The case was clear as day. He was sexually attracted to Hyungwon in more ways than one and his body still remembered the way the other man felt, making touching so easy and natural.

_And he makes it natural. As if it’s acceptable in every way._

But thinking about meeting the other man after work had nothing to do with the present sexual attraction. It had to do with the strong feeling that Hyungwon was able to understand him, his choices, his feelings and desires. The fact that he was the only person who he wanted to share it with and the only one who understood.

“Would you like to have a cup of tea together, before I leave?” he asked and glanced at his wife who slipped into her nightgown.

“Not really, I have a pretty nasty case and will catch up on decent grown-up conversation on the weekend.” Smiling, Yura took her laptop and lay in bed, clicking through some case related documents. Probably.

_You wanted it like this, remember?_

He did. He still did.

_

When he arrived at the hospital in the evening to switch with the resident anesthetist, he was briefly introduced to an elderly patient who had just had a simple knee operation, so the night was probably going to be relatively calm. At least that’s what he had thought before he looked through the chart and saw that the patient received spinal anesthesia despite having a history of epileptic seizures and increased intracranial pressure.

_You should go and take a look._

Walking back to the surgical ward, Hoseok entered the room and introduced himself to the patient who didn’t react and lay there with elbows, wrists and fingers flexed. Something clicked in his brain, before he checked the pupil dilation on both eyes and exhaled sharply.

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck._

Pressing the call button, he pulled out his phone and waited as the seconds ticked by until he finally heard the familiar low voice.

“Hyungwon you need to come here, now. I have a patient with a probable brain herniation, you need to make a hole, I can’t do this without you,” he whispered. Nurses entered the room and hooked the patient up to the monitor as he felt completely out of it. There was nothing he could do without a specialist even though he had an idea about what the problem was.

“I suspect a case of uncal brain herniation. The patient has increased intracranial pressure and received a spinal anesthesia which is absolutely contraindicated in that case. Fuck,” he explained to the resident orthopedist who looked scared and completely unaware of what was happening. “We need an operating room, the neurosurgeon will be here soon,” he whispered and his comment was more based on hope than actual facts. He rushed towards the surgical suite, quickly changing and scrubbing in before setting up the machines. If they were fast then maybe they could do something. Maybe.

When the patient was under general anesthesia because anything else was fucking irresponsible, Hoseok drained some of the fluid by placing a shunt into the spinal cord, but it wasn’t enough. Somebody needed to make a hole in the skull. He exhaled when he saw a tall figure entering the OR and getting briefed promptly before glancing in his direction.

“I swear on my abilities it’s uncal brain herniation, it was all there, the pupil dilation and the abnormal posturing, they did a spinal despite increased intracranial pressure, those idiots,” he hissed and gestured at the patient. “I let some fluid out, but it’s barely enough. There’s no time. Really no time,” he murmured and received a nod in return.

Whatever Hyungwon had been doing before, where he was and whether he was even on call didn't seem to matter as the other man immediately picked up the cranial drill and made a hole in the patient’s head. It was a mess really, but Dr. Chae was calm, hands taking instruments and placing a shunt in the patient’s skull to drain the cerebrospinal fluid that was there.

_Imagine what the fuck you would have done if you made a mistake and forced him to drill a hole in someone’s head._

During the second part of the surgery all of them were tense, waiting until the radiologist managed to get a decent CT. There was damage, but thankfully it wasn’t so substantial that the prognosis wasn't poor.

_So fucking lucky._

He exhaled and leaned against the chair he was sitting on when Dr. Chae and the amazing neurology team finished up. After providing post-operative care he slowly walked into the change room, pulling his cap from his head and wiping away the sweat that developed on his forehead. He experienced a sensation similar to flying but paired with the thought that there had been a specific person who contributed this time. Leaning against the wall his eyes fluttered shut as he breathed the mixture of adrenaline and whatever the fuck it was that made him love his job so much.

_You would’ve been helpless without him, it’s facts._

"Thank you for calling," he heard next to him as the weight of a hand landed on his shoulder. Opening his eyes, he was met with Hyungwon's face that wasn't covered by a surgical mask anymore. The cap was gone too, but the neurosurgeon must have waited for him as he was still wearing scrubs. "You saved somebody's life."

“As if,” he whispered and closed his eyes again, inhaling deeply, before he felt ready to look at the other man’s face. “You did.”

"I was at home feeling lonely and contemplating my life choices, so don't give me too much credit. I did my part, but only because you reacted quickly." Smiling, Hyungwon moved a step back, leaning against the door before using his grip on his shoulder to easily pull him into the other man's embrace. Maybe they should have changed first, but Hyungwon didn't seem to consider it necessary as he hugged him tightly. "You're amazing."

He felt stupid because Hyungwon should have realized that rushing to the hospital in minutes and performing emergency surgery solely because he trusted his assessment of the situation was the amazing part. Still, the other man must’ve known how he felt, because damn, that embrace felt so good. Inhaling deeply, he leaned back and looked at the handsome face in front of him, the hint of a smile on Hyungwon’s plump lips graced by the round mole in the middle of the bottom one, the big eyes, as attentive as he saw them during surgery and those big hands with long fingers holding onto his shoulders. Hoseok had no idea how late it actually was and if Hyungwon had even been on call, but at this moment nothing mattered apart from the feeling that whatever it was that made him feel alive, Hyungwon was easily able to enhance it to the point that he wished to be able to breathe the mixture, have it in an IV or whatever.

“I think there is something happening with my brain, doctor,” he murmured and licked over his lips, staring at Hyungwon’s face, unable to look away and skin tingling on all those spots Hyungwon was touching him. “I think you need to take a look.”

The smile on Hyungwon's lips only widened as the other man pulled him closer and let the fingers of his right-hand sink into his brown hair.

"And how do you want me to do that?"

“I don’t know. I’m not the specialist,” he whispered in reply.

There was a brief flashback of his hands cupping the small face, but it looked different this time when he did it, more realistic, less tipsy, feeling the warmth of the smooth cheeks and seeing the big eyes widen a little. Inhaling sharply, Hoseok lifted on his tiptoes and leaned in, trembling briefly when his lips touched Hyungwon’s plump mouth, hands immediately loosening their grip, giving the other man the opportunity to escape.

Instead of following that option, Hoseok felt one arm slip down to his waist and wrap around it to stabilize him on his toes, followed by hot lips returning the pressure with just as much vigor. Hyungwon exhaled roughly through his nose and leaned against the door, but their lips remained attached, plump ones brushing over his own in invitation just like fingers began to tug at his hair when the touch deepened.

Hoseok felt dizzy, the addicting kind of dizzy where his hands roamed over Hyungwon’s clothed back and hated the clothes, where his lack of oxygen was annoying because he didn’t want to breathe, inhaling those thick lips instead as they made him feel just the way he wanted to. Cursing under his breath, he nibbled on the bottom lip with the mole and travelled lower, leaving kisses and bites along the other man’s neck before returning to his lips and savoring them. His body moved closer all by itself, hands only helping to keep Hyungwon as close as possible when he attempted to taste everything that the other man was willing to give him.

The other man was barely able to keep up, lips parting with rough breaths as he tried to catch his whenever they separated. Hands roamed over his back and stabilized his weight as Hyungwon simultaneously leaned down to ease the kiss. A hint of nails raking against his shoulders that quickly transitioned into rough tugs on his hair, tilting his head and deepening the kiss as Hyungwon licked into his mouth, tasting him.

Hoseok felt like he was going crazy, his body, his mind, every cell of his skin was magnetized, wanting to be touched by the long fingers. His tongue felt Hyungwon’s pulse when he licked over the other man’s neck, kissing along his jaw and finally returning to the soft lips, sucking on them and tasting the warm mouth. Leaning back for a second and seeing the big eyes, pupils wide and red mouth parted, he saw the person Hyungwon was now, the neurosurgeon he had become. There was nothing left of the soft features from before and Hoseok didn’t miss it. He didn’t miss any of it.

Just when he took his time to lean in, mouth parted and ready to taste more, both of their phones went off with the familiar melody.

_A wakeup call?_

It would’ve been too nice, but they were at the hospital and apparently Hyungwon had been on call too.

“So… back to choosing work?” he asked as he lifted his phone to his ear and was briefed about a stroke patient. When the call ended and Hyungwon put his phone into his pocket, he couldn’t help it and wrapped his hand around the other man’s neck and kissed him one last time, pushing the tall man against the door with his hips and feeling the plump lips giving out under the pressure.

He caught a gasp between their lips that was followed by the slim arms around his waist that pulled him as close as possible, deepening the kiss before letting go as quickly as the other man initiated it.

"The difference with you is that somehow those choices don't seem far apart," the other man murmured before instantly pulling the soiled clothes off and replacing them with fresh ones, preparing for the emergency.

Hoseok did the same, quickly changing into new OR clothes and running to the sink to scrub his hands intensely. “What choices? I thought it’s just work and everything else. But I am indeed at work, so maybe that’s a strategic advantage.”

Hyungwon chuckled but didn't turn to look at him as he covered his face with a mask and pulled on the cap.

"I don't think it's about work, it's about you, Hoseok," the neurosurgeon remarked before nodding at him and hurrying out of the changing room.

Following the other man out because honestly speaking he had to be there earlier, Hoseok decided to think about the meaningful words later, when he didn’t have to save somebody's life.

_But the fact is that it’s the same for you and you are not a naive, dumb eighteen-year old acting out a friendship drama._

There was no need for drama because their attraction was clear as day. It was there, it was intense, and maybe it was going to disappear as quickly as it appeared.

***

Long legs resting on the glass table in his living room, Hyungwon let his gaze travel from the rips in his jeans that could fit his palms if he wanted to, all the way to his phone that lay motionless next to his left foot.

No calls were usually a good thing. That meant there was time for a break and to recover in order to transform his sleep-deprived self into a fully functioning self.

_But that's only in relation to work._

A break also meant having a social life, going for runs, sleeping over at Elias' place, having several rounds of rough sex and watching movies together in the evening.

_When you have a free weekend, that is what you do._

Now, there was something else that occupied his thoughts something else to be considered for the choice he had to make.

_It's difficult when it's not work that you have to decide about, isn't it?_

The plans for his free weekend were, by far, not the only thing on his mind. For that the sensation of lips against his own was still too prominent, as if he was still leaning against the door of the changing room, smelling like disinfectant and blood but not even realizing because of the curved mouth attached to his.

_He kissed you, just like that._

Even though it didn't feel like back then, Hyungwon couldn't help but see the parallels. Again, he was 'nonchalant', but also the coward who only dared to let their lips meet when the other man was asleep whereas Hoseok cupped his face and desperately clashed their mouths together. Claiming that he wasn't just as desperate would have been a lie and they weren't children anymore, pretending that it didn't matter or that their desire to kiss was a slip of cognition.

_You wanted to kiss him before that surgery and he must have felt the same way. The situation simply happened to be stressful enough to bridge the inhibitions._

The boundaries that Hoseok seemed to be so fond of were only useful for as long as there was the mental capacity to listen to them and to act accordingly. The question was what the implications were going to be.

Hoseok hadn't attempted to pretend that he didn't exist, so at least Hyungwon's previous fear about the consequences of a kiss didn't come true. The other man had continued interacting with him, smiling at him and being his usual self, the self that Hyungwon enjoyed the most, so it was difficult to identify what exactly the kiss had changed.

_Beyond crossing the boundary and making it easier each time._

Hyungwon wasn't stupid. Kissing once meant that it could happen again. He knew it when he kissed Hoseok in his sleep and he knew that it was even more true now because there was no need to have Hoseok sleeping in his arms to make their lips meet.

_But is it right? Are you testing out how much has changed? Is it the remaining attraction from back then, the desire to have what you couldn't have in the end?_

Hyungwon doubted it. The man that he embraced in his shower and that he let his hands dance over wasn't the shy boy he had been in love with back then. It was somebody else, a composed and aware version of Hoseok, one that still kept the same signs of arousal but didn't feel the need to hide them. Both of them knew what was happening, but they didn't say it.

_He's right. There is nothing left to misunderstand._

Chewing on his cheek, he leaned forward and grabbed his phone, holding it to his ear after dialing the right number.

"Hi, babe," Elias replied after a few low tones, breathing heavily because it was time for one of his regular workouts.

"Hi, I wanted to update you about a few things," he began and wondered whether it sounded calm enough. The other man had much more practice with these things, simply because Hyungwon didn't have the time to satisfy his sexual urges with others.

"Sure, go ahead. Hope you don't mind me continuing in the meantime."

"Of course not." Hyungwon smiled because he could imagine it well, Elias lying on the machine with his phone above him as he pulled down some weights to strengthen his back.

_Just tell him, he does it too._

"Wanted to tell you that there was a crazy emergency surgery a few days ago and I ended up making out with one of the team members, in the heat of the moment I guess." The words rolled off his tongue easily, but at the same time Hyungwon wasn't sure how much of it really qualified as heat of the moment. He melted into the kiss and he hadn't expected it, but at the same time he was perfectly aware of what he was doing. "We didn't really talk about it afterwards."

"Oh," Elias muttered and Hyungwon heard the machine noises in the background stop. "That's- I mean that's fine of course. It's just a kiss too, so you wouldn't even need to tell me. I'm just-"

_He sounds so surprised. It was really a deal for his pleasure and your guilty conscience, wasn't it?_

His boyfriend shifted on the other end and Hyungwon heard him take a big gulp from a water bottle. "Guess I'm just not used to you having situations like that. It's not an issue obviously. When do you plan on coming by?"

_Which leads you to the bigger issue._

Playing with the rips in his jeans, Hyungwon felt how he was stalling, stretching the seconds until it was almost too late to say something. He started by sighing.

"That's the other thing, I think I'll have to cancel," he began and pressed his head into the thick pillows on his couch, wondering if he even had a good reason to cancel. His weekends were always the same when he had any, nice dates, movies and awesome sex with his boyfriend. It was simple and he never had a reason to complain because the times when he felt lonely at home were his own choice.

_But this time you're deciding against spending time with him because you want to be somewhere else._

Hyungwon could remember Hoseok's facial expression perfectly when the other man handed him a cup of coffee during a five-minute break they had and invited him to visit him and his family. The catch was that Hoseok was alone with the children over the weekend since his wife had left for Bern and that apparently his daughter had already told him that she missed dad's boyfriend. Him.

_And you want to go._

"Ah, too bad. It's okay though, don't worry about it. I'll use the time to finish up my new routine and you can watch it live if you get the chance." The relaxed response caught him off guard and Hyungwon didn't know what to say at first while Elias continued his workout and filled the air with machine noises.

"I'll do my best," he muttered even though he doubted that he'd get to watch a work out video. "I'm sure the routine is amazing and you'll look gorgeous as always."

Cheerful laughter followed as Elias promised to send him a picture and hung up after making a kissing sound into the speaker. Hyungwon placed his phone on the couch next to him and stared at the white ceiling, letting the phone call sink in.

_He didn't even ask why you cancelled._

But the fact that Elias didn't ask wasn't what occupied him the most. After all, Hyungwon had cancelled before and each time it had been because of additional shifts, emergencies or other work-related reasons. The other man must have concluded that it was again one of those cases. So no, Elias not asking wasn't the problem.

The problem was that Hyungwon didn't know if he would have spoken the truth had the other man asked.

_

When Hyungwon saw the designer house for the first time, he had been well dressed because of his date with Elias at a skyscraper bar.

_He told you the clothes make you seem much more like your teenage self, naively believing that you belonged to everybody but him._

This time he had chosen his attire for the occasion, even though he wasn't an expert on what exactly one should wear while babysitting a five-year-old and an eight-year-old. His jeans were ripped, more than usual and he thought that if he ended up ripping those even more it wouldn't be a loss. His chest was covered in a simple black buttoned shirt that was loose enough to be comfortable and tight enough to show that he had a waist. He looked perfect for a day or two of babysitting with the man whose company he apparently enjoyed more than any of his usual options.

_You decided to spend time with him and his kids instead of a date and sex. His past view of you would probably crumble into tiny little pieces._

Brushing through his hair one last time, he rang the bell at the garden gate and wondered what the hell he was actually doing.

He was buzzed through and instead of Hoseok, he saw Areum running out barefoot and wrapping her thin arms around him.

"Hyungwon! Yay! Dad said he didn't know if you would come, but you did!"

Hesitantly hugging back, he tried to think about whether Areum had a real reason to hug him. Usually he had done something to accomplish that, like a surgery that resulted in survival. Getting hugged for simply visiting on the other hand was new.

_She must like you._

"Of course, I came," he replied and smiled before attempting to make his way towards the front door. The ground wasn't very warm, so he lifted the little girl and carried her the rest of the way before putting her down in front of her dad. Hoseok must've been feeling warm judging by his grey shorts that ended barely below the older man's hips and a white sleeveless top.

"Hey. You are surprising me. Didn't think that you would actually come." The older man licked his lips and then licked over a spoon in his hand. "I'm trying myself in baking cookies, I hope you're ready."

_As you thought, it probably doesn't correspond to his view of you._

Hyungwon smiled and shrugged as if he didn't question what had possessed him to come. At first glance, interacting with children wasn't something he felt competent in and baking cookies was also not his area of expertise.

_But it's actually simple, isn't it? You enjoy spending time with him, with or without kids._

"I've always wanted to see a kitchen explode," he remarked with a grin and leaned in to embrace Hoseok in greeting. Only when he leaned back, he realized that they had never done that before, not even at work. When he looked down and saw Areum's shocked face, it must've been a rare sight.

"Oh my god," Hoseok's daughter whispered before her eyes widened. "You must be closer than mom and dad."

_What? Because of a hug?_

Hoseok stared at first but decided to ignore the comment and leaned down, hissing at the girl like a snake and making her jump away laughing. It must've been a game.

"Come in. I bake decent cookies if I do everything according to the recipe. Having completed medical school doesn't teach you the basics apparently."

"Definitely not for surviving outside of the hospital," Hyungwon remarked and chuckled as he followed Hoseok to the kitchen where the other man had been in the middle of preparing the batter. Pulling himself on top of a counter, Hyungwon looked at Areum and tried to make sense of the way she had reacted to a simple hug.

_You didn't hug him in greeting before, but she doesn't know that. It's about something else._

Hoseok seemed rather unbothered by his daughter's comment, at least he pretended to be.

The girl winked at him and ran upstairs, probably to play with her brother and he focused his attention on Hoseok who kneaded the dough before rolling it out and giving him a heart-shaped cookie cutter.

"You didn't think I invited you to watch, right?" The other man grinned.

"I wouldn't have minded watching," Hyungwon murmured, realizing that he had been very obviously staring at Hoseok's arms as the other man worked. Slipping down from the counter, he didn't take the cookie cutter yet and washed his hands first before deciding to do his best at figuring out how to fit as many hearts as possible on the provided surface.

"Do the two of them play together a lot?" he asked while still observing the surface and counting how many hearts he expected to fit. "That makes babysitting easier than I imagined."

"Well, they had me entertain them for the whole day, so now they really don't want to see me anymore," Hoseok chuckled and he suddenly felt warmth behind him as the other man stepped closer from behind, reaching out to take his hand with the cutter and cutting out a heart right in the middle, destroying all his calculations. "It's easy, really," the low voice breathed into his ear.

"You ruined it," he sighed, barely hiding the way a shudder passed over his back from how close they were. Lifting the cutter, he arranged another one right next to it and with as little wasted space as possible. "I was trying to fit as many hearts as possible, but you just stuck it in the middle, being all wasteful."

"I thought you didn't know how to cut out cookies," Hoseok chuckled again, voice low and still very close to his ear before the fingers loosened around his hand and the warmth disappeared from his back. "I'm sorry, Dr. Chae. Please resume the procedure."

Suddenly, Hyungwon regretted that he knew how to cut out cookies and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth as he arranged additional hearts next to the two he had already cut out.

_You prefer to have him close and without the need to pull his hands back._

"You can pretend that I have no idea and use it as an excuse to keep holding my hand," he remarked and removed a bit of dough to sneak it into his mouth. It was delicious.

"Do I have to act to be able to hold it?" Hoseok walked around him and pulled himself on the counter next to him, taking his left hand and placing it on top of his naked thigh.

_He doesn't._

He shook his head and let his fingers dance over the firm muscles, enjoying how warm Hoseok's skin was under his fingertips. His right hand continued cutting out hearts in the meantime. "That's what I like about it. That there's no real point in pretending."

"Mhm. There's no use pretending that there's nothing, in addition, you are not somebody who accepts avoidance, are you?" Hoseok took a piece of batter and placed it into his mouth, chewing slowly. One hand rose to the brown hair, brushing it back before the strands fell back on the other man's pale forehead.

_You were before._

"Not anymore," he replied and created a few more hearts that he arranged on a tray. He felt reluctant to remove his hand from Hoseok's thigh, so he kept it there. "I don't see the point of it. The fact that you kept avoiding me as soon as you saw me again tells me that it didn't help you in any way."

Smiling briefly, Hoseok licked some flour from his lips before the black eyes met his. "Because now I'm not stupid anymore, so there's nothing I can hide from myself. You're doing well. Good boy. Maybe even a better boy than me."

Hyungwon didn't know what possessed him, but he tightened his grip on Hoseok's thigh and tilted his fingertips to leave thin, red lines along the delicate skin as he let his hand travel all the way to the other man's knee.

He inhaled through his nose to not do anything else and sucked his lips into his mouth, eyes focused on the cookie hearts that he was arranging on the tray. It was ready for the oven.

Hoseok didn't flinch and only the goosebumps that appeared on the pale skin right next to the red lines and the quiet hiss told him that the other man must've liked it. Warm fingers wrapped around his wrist, lifted his hand and Hoseok placed a kiss against the back before slipping from the counter and getting busy with the oven as if nothing happened.

_He likes that._

Hyungwon didn't know what to do with that information, at least not in the current situation, or maybe even the general relationship that they had.

_He liked it back then too, but not like that._

"How are you going to explain those?" he asked as he leaned back against the counter and examined the red lines. "Your daughter is curious."

_And you are reckless._

"I'm not sure. Maybe something along the lines of 'uncle Hyungwon didn't like being called a good boy so he used his nails to prove that dad is one?" Smirking, Hoseok leaned against the counter and looked up at the stairs, but the kids were still playing judging by the sounds. "I'll say that I scratched myself, or wear sweatpants."

Hyungwon's hands were tingling from the urge to reach out and push Hoseok against that counter, to kiss the smirk off his face.

_Why do you care more about these boundaries than he does?_

It was unlike him, but the situation felt far from his usual comfort zone. Hyungwon didn't know what relationship Hoseok had with his wife and his children and he didn't know how much the other man wanted them to know and see what was happening between them.

_You tried not to think about it before, but here you are. It's hard to miss that he has a family._

Hyungwon enjoyed Hoseok's company and their conversations, but something about the way the other man was acting, how he was dressed and smiling at him, drove him up the wall. It hadn't been that bad before, at least not before they kissed in the hospital.

_You knew that it was going to make crossing the line easier._

His eyes kept switching to the red lines on the pale thigh, as if he had already crossed another boundary. His mind came up with all kinds of things he was able to do with those lines if only they met his tongue. He felt the heat before it became visible on his cheeks, but that didn't give him much time to pretend that his thoughts were innocent. There was no point in hiding it, so he didn't bother and merely observed Hoseok without saying a word.

"We have twenty minutes until the cookies are done." The way the older man smiled told him that his blush didn't stay unnoticed. "So… any ideas?" Reaching for his thigh, Hoseok let his fingers travel along the red lines, hissing quietly, black eyes focused on his.

_Is he purposefully provoking you?_

Hyungwon couldn't believe it. He knew that Hoseok had changed over the years and lost his shy and timid demeanor, but still it was obvious that the other man cared more about boundaries than Hyungwon did. The only explanation was that he felt safe, safe enough to bask in the fact that Hyungwon responded to him but wasn't able to do anything because of where they were and the resulting implications.

_Fuck this._

He ripped his eyes away from the pale fingers on the lines he left and the obviously suggestive gaze in the other man's eyes, all the while holding his breath for a few seconds to focus. The kitchen was an open one, surrounded by free living space and the stairs that led up to the upper floors. The only option was a door at the side that Hyungwon vaguely remembered led to Hoseok's office space.

_This will have to do._

Exhaling roughly, he crossed the few meters that separated him from Hoseok and grabbed the other man's wrist, pulling him away from the counter and towards the door that seemed to be the only solution to the conflict in his head. As soon as he tugged Hoseok into the office space and shut the door behind them, he pressed his body flat against the other man's muscular chest and both of them against the white wall.

"Careful who you play with," he hissed and clashed their mouths together, finally relieving some of the tension that Hoseok had been fueling unnecessarily.

The other man hummed into their kiss, returning it and using his strength to pull him closer against his barely clothed body. "But I love playing with you, how your gaze looks when you use your nails and scratch over my thigh," Hoseok whispered, briefly glancing towards the door before he caught his lips in a rough kiss. "I know that you're weirded out because we're not alone and maybe you're also weirded out because I just kissed you after the emergency surgery. I know the loud noise that the door makes when one of them comes out, I'm not an idiot and I have responsibilities, but fuck, you make me want to…" Hoseok shut himself up by attaching his lips to his neck, nibbling on his jugular and pulling him closer against his body, one hand reaching down to stroke over his thigh.

_He's going mad too, but why does he need you to break it while he keeps provoking you with his actions?_

"Are you always aware enough to hear that fucking door?" Hyungwon felt breathless, but not only from the kiss. His hands roamed over Hoseok's chest and traced the thin fabric of his shorts until they reached the lines he had left, caressing them too. His heart was hammering in his chest and pumping blood throughout his body, all the way to his fingertips. He reached out and grabbed Hoseok's jaw to tilt it to the side. The other man's neck was beautiful, so he attached his lips to it, nibbling on patches of skin until he identified the ones that were sensitive and caused Hoseok's whole body to tremble.

_You want him so much. It's sudden, but rough, too rough to stay sane._

Aware that he was leaving marks on Hoseok's neck, he eventually pulled his lips and teeth away and sank to his knees. Holding the other man's hips in place, he finally did what he had wanted to do all this time and licked over the red lines on his thigh.

"Usually I am pretty aware, but I'm starting to doubt that," the low voice muttered, followed by a hiss as soon as Hoseok felt his tongue. He felt fingers that sunk into his hair, pulling lightly. "I dreamt about you."

"What did you dream about?" he murmured before licking a line from Hoseok's knee to the beginning of his shorts which he pulled up a little to suck on the other man's inner thigh. Hyungwon could tell that Hoseok was sensitive, but he didn't know if it was the situation or a genuine quality of his skin.

“About how your nails felt in my shoulders when you tighten your legs around my neck,” the low voice whispered before Hoseok reached for the door and turned the key, glancing down and pulling him up. The other man was fast, using his body mass to push him further into the dark room until he felt the edge of a desk against his ass. “Would you let me?” Hoseok asked, simply sinking to his knees and stroking over the rips in his jeans, slipping his fingers inside them and licking his lips.

_He's being serious._

Hyungwon gasped and reached for the edge of the desk, holding onto it tightly as he forced himself to assess how much time they had out of those twenty minutes. They hadn't bothered to turn on the light and somehow with Hoseok kneeling in front of him, he couldn't get himself to give a single shit about whether a batch of cookies got burned or not.

"Go ahead," he breathed out before using his right hand to grab a fistful of Hoseok's hair and tug experimentally.

Hoseok gasped before he felt the black eyes on him again, delicate fingers traveling towards the button of his jeans, pulling the zipper impatiently and leaning in to kiss along the seam of his underwear. Hissing at the tugs on his hair, Hyungwon wondered what kind of sounds the other man would make if they weren’t in his house, hiding from two children. When he felt the warm mouth against his length, the thought disappeared as quickly as it came, accompanied by a few curses and Hoseok throwing his head back.

“They left the room, fuck,” Hoseok whispered and stood up, massaging his temples. “Look at this realistic outcome of me going completely fucking mad for you.” Just when the other man walked towards the door, he came back and grabbed his face with both palms, placing a hot wet kiss against his lips.

Hyungwon held onto the other man's waist for long enough to be able to bite down on his bottom lip, tasting it even when the touch was already gone.

"I think I need a fucking moment," he muttered and closed the zipper and button of his jeans while trying to come up with the most effective method of composing himself. Seeing the other man in his tiny shorts wasn't helping in any way.

“I’m going to change into something else,” Hoseok muttered because his situation wasn’t different. “Hyungwon is in the office so leave him alone, he’ll come out to play with you in a bit,” he heard Hoseok say when the other man left the room and closed the door, focusing his attention on his children.

_How does he do that?_

Hyungwon couldn't imagine switching so easily and pretending in front of two small souls that had no idea what was going on inside their dad's head.

_Both of you must have completely lost it. You were making cookies for fuck's sake._

Hyungwon took a few deep breaths and glanced around, finding a few work-related documents that he glanced at in order to distract himself. Somehow, he had expected Hoseok to stay away and try to remain rational, do what he had always tried to do while Hyungwon preferred to set both of them on fire and bask in the flames.

_You still want to set him on fire._

When he finally decided to leave the office, Hoseok was already sitting at the table with both children and laughing with them. The other man's legs were hidden by a pair of sweatpants and even though Hyungwon preferred the shorts, he felt thankful somehow.

Joining felt weird, like he was intruding on something that he wasn't a part of. After all they were a family and he was just a visitor who was mesmerized by the man in front of him. Had it been only sexual, Hyungwon would have struggled much less.

Instead of enforcing his discomfort, Areum giggled loudly before exclaiming, "Your boyfriend is back!"

_Somehow it doesn't feel like a joke, does it?_

Hoseok scolded his daughter, warning her to not make him uncomfortable before offering him a heart cookie, the ugly one that they had cut out together first and that didn’t have equal edges.

_This feels like a lot, Hyungwon. More than you were prepared for._

After a few minutes it didn’t seem weird at all and they joked when he secretly helped Riku and Areum get as many cookies as they wanted even though Hoseok made a five-cookie rule. The kids seemed happy about his visit and asked him many questions about the hospital and Riku said he wanted to be a Pokémon doctor before Hoseok went up and made them brush their teeth. When he stood in the doorframe, watching how his best friend from high school sat on the floor with his legs crossed and read a good night story to his kids, the whole thing seemed way more real.

Holding his breath, he turned around and leaned against the wall. He could still hear Hoseok's voice reading out a story and closed his eyes, focusing on it and trying to figure out how he fit into that equation.

_This is much harder than deciding between love and work, isn't it?_

Hyungwon had done his best not to let his mind dwell on it too much, but the problem wasn't that he had to decide whether he wanted to occupy a space that was offered to him. The problem was that right there, leaning against that wall and listening to Hoseok read bedtime stories to his children, he knew that that space was already occupied. It should have been.

He heard a few whispers, the low voice telling both kids that he loved them and getting quiet confessions back before the light went out and Hoseok walked out of the room, closing the door. “Hey. It usually takes a while.” The other man smiled and stepped closer.

"It's fine, I enjoyed listening," he replied and smiled back as he lifted his gaze from his own feet and turned towards the other man. It felt different now that they were alone again, not like it had been in the kitchen.

“Can you still remember your parents reading to you? I only realized that I did when I had children and suddenly needed to read out good night stories. Usually, Areum reads out to Riku, but on the weekends I do.” Again, Hoseok smiled in a very genuine way, but the other man seemed a bit tired when they walked down the stairs and Hoseok took a big bottle of cold brew and lay on the couch, bending one leg. “Coffee?” he asked jokingly before taking a sip.

"I think it's too late for me," he replied while still smiling and sat down next to Hoseok's hips, slightly leaning over the other man. There was something else to their interactions now and Hyungwon couldn't really explain it when he took the drink from Hoseok's fingers and placed it on the coffee table before wrapping his arms around the other man and lying on top of him. "I… never thought about whether my parents read to me, but now that you mention it I think they did. My dad did."

The way the warm arms wrapped around him was natural, as if there was no need to explain why he wanted to hold Hoseok and be held in return. It was simply there and it was okay.

“Mhm, for me it was my mom. But one remembers, that’s why it’s important, I think. You must be tired too, hanging around here, baking cookies and being called my boyfriend even though you’re in a relationship. Areum is a bit stubborn, I’m sorry, but she seems to like you a lot.”

"I don't mind being called your boyfriend," he replied and couldn't help the hint of softness in his voice, the trace of emotions that showed how important their closeness was. Something about the way Hoseok settled into the pillows on the couch after fulfilling his responsibilities reminded Hyungwon of the way he sat down late at night after coming home from work. There was a certain emptiness that was difficult to grasp but looking at the other man it seemed like he could feel it too.

_Being close makes it feel less empty._

“I… wanted to thank you for coming here. I don’t want to assume anything, but somehow, I don’t think that you usually visit a colleague to hang around with him and his kids on a free weekend when you have a boyfriend and other plans. So… thank you for wanting to spend time with me, even if we’re not alone. It means a lot.” Hoseok’s low voice sounded so calming, as if the person hugging him could feel how good those words and the warmth felt.

"I came because I wanted to be next to you, no matter if we are alone or not," he whispered truthfully and lifted his legs on top of the couch as well, intertwining them with Hoseok's as he rested his head on the pillow next to the other man's, meeting his gaze.

“Ah… you’re amazing,” Hoseok muttered, smile so genuine and beautiful that he had to hold his breath because it was nothing like the fake bullshit he had to endure in the park and also not the shy or uncomfortable one, it wasn't like the professional appreciation after a successful surgery either. Instead, it was something entirely different, a feeling that he didn’t remember being expressed on the handsome face before.

The warmth that spread in his chest caused his fingertips and lips to tingle, eyes remaining focused on the expressive face in front of him. At first Hyungwon didn't recognize it, but the longer he observed the dark eyes and the curved mouth, the more he understood where he knew the feeling from.

_It's the way you felt when you kissed him as he slept._

Licking over his lips, he reached out and cupped Hoseok's face before moving closer. He was being careful, just the way he did when he kissed Hoseok in the middle of the night and feared that the other man was going to wake up and find out. His lips touched the round jaw, covered it in kisses until he reached Hoseok's cheek and leaned over him, preparing to kiss each mouth corner. He waited a few seconds, staring at the other man's dark eyes and giving him the time to stop him if he wanted to. When he placed a kiss on each mouth corner, he held his breath and finally pressed their lips together.

The feeling was the same one, warm and intense as it boiled in his chest and caused his lips to tingle. The difference was just that the warm lips moved against his, slowly and carefully, as if Hoseok was just as scared to break the moment and felt that it was different from the way they had clashed their lips together in desperation and the need to be close in every way possible. This time the kiss was accompanied by Hoseok’s warm fingers that stroked over his cheek and hair when the soft lips parted.

Hyungwon shivered but not from the cold. He was feeling too much at once, fingers trembling as they caressed Hoseok's neck and travelled to his waist to wrap around it and keep the other man close.

"Please forgive me," he whispered and kept their lips connected for as long as he was able to before pulling back again and meeting the other man's gaze. "I couldn't help it and kissed you while you were unaware."

“H-huh?” Hoseok didn’t seem to understand what he meant and he could see how the black eyes fluttered shut when the handsome face moved closer and he was kissed once again. “What do you mean you kissed me when I was unaware? I am aware.”

_You have to tell him, stop keeping secrets._

"I kissed you after you fell asleep in my arms," he murmured while brushing his lips over Hoseok's, basking in how close they were able to be without his prior fear of the other man running away. "I couldn't resist and let our lips touch. I'm sorry, Hoseok."

“You kissed me when I was asleep? Why? Didn’t want to share?” Hoseok didn’t sound angry or disappointed, but the other man’s dark eyes still observed him closely, only interrupted by them fluttering shut when Hyungwon kissed the warm lips softly.

"I thought it might cross a boundary for you, make you forget who I am and that there is much more between us than brief conversations and the lack of eye contact." Inhaling sharply, he tightened his embrace and buried his face in the crook of Hoseok's neck. "I was scared."

“I must indeed be scary sometimes,” the low voice breathed out as Hoseok wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer, giving him the reassurance that it was okay. “You know, the way that you kissed me just now… I don’t think the feeling is familiar to me, but…” Inhaling sharply, Hoseok turned his head and placed a warm kiss next to his ear. “...but I like it so much.”

A smile spread his lips at the words, only increasing the warmth that Hyungwon felt in his chest and that had now begun to fill out his whole body.

"It's the way I kissed you at night," he whispered and inhaled the scent of Hoseok's skin, unable to imagine that there would be a time when he had to let go. "It was my way of showing you how I felt."

_And it still is._

“Playing the ‘what if’ game that you like so much, I have to say that I have no idea how it would’ve felt back then, but I like it more now,” Hoseok whispered, using both arms to hold him close. “I like you more now.”

_He likes you more now._

Hyungwon swallowed, but not because the words overwhelmed him or resembled a burden that he had to carry. There had been cases when he heard similar words but they only resulted in a feeling of heaviness and restrictions, but this wasn't such a case.

Hoseok was telling him that he liked him more now, more than back when they had been in high school and back when they were closer than Hyungwon had been to anybody else.

The way they treated each other wasn't only based on the experiences they made as childhood friends, because there was so much more now, more than the strings that remained between them because of memories.

Holding his breath, Hyungwon leaned forward and kissed the curved lips again. This time he didn't let his eyes flutter shut but gazed into the dark orbs that were focused on his own as their lips carefully moved against each other.

"I also like you more now, Hoseok," he whispered softly. "Because you understand."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 8

Hoseok’s love for work was more apparent when he didn’t have the opportunity to spend much time there. Especially after an advanced training in critical emergency medicine that he chose to attend for some reason, even though he had previously decided that he would stay with neurology for good.

_It’s because you miss it and like that you’re at least able to learn, even though you don’t use it daily._

After changing into his clothes, he hoped to get a glimpse of Dr. Chae on his way out but wasn’t able to because the other man was already gone. It was ten in the evening, so not strange for a neurosurgeon to be on his way home, it was just…

_Just that he knew that you had the workshop and you thought that he would wait because he did so during the past few days._

Glancing at his phone, he found a message from Yura with her weekend plans that he scrolled past, but there was nothing from Hyungwon. The other man didn’t write to him often, only if it was urgent, but still, it felt off.

_Maybe it passed, just like you thought it would. Only that for him it passed faster._

Sighing and staring at the locked door of Hyungwon’s office, Hoseok turned around to lock gazes with Namjoon who was glancing at him from over his glasses.

“Hey. I guess your dreams are gone considering that you haven't come to say hi for weeks now,” the other man commented.

“Still there, but I got used to them,” he murmured and wondered what his colleague was doing in front of Hyungwon’s office.

“Did you want to catch Dr. Chae? I think he went home. It was a mess today, a colleague whose name I won’t say messed up, so he was in the OR for twelve hours and they didn’t manage to remove the tumor completely, so he will have to do the same shit all over again. Great, right?” Namjoon sighed and glanced at his watch. “I’m on call, but you look as if you’re going to the gym and then back home as usual. Greet Areum for me and tell her uncle Namjoon still thinks she would be a good psychiatrist.” His colleague grinned and continued walking in the direction of the psychiatric ward.

_He was in the OR for 12 hours because someone messed up and he has to do it all again?_

The other man must’ve been completely devastated and when Hoseok finally sat in his car, his choice had been made already. Not knowing what would happen, he still wrote to Yura that he wasn’t sure whether he would sleep at home and drove to Hyungwon’s apartment like a crazy person, without knowing if the other man had any wish to see him.

_Why would he want to see you? Because he kissed you?_

It was stupid, really, but this time it was a feeling. A feeling that he knew and hoped that he was able to ease just like Hyungwon had been able to help him overcome the loneliness he felt after his kids went to bed and he collapsed alone on the couch with a bottle of cold brew coffee.

_Maybe you can be there for him too._

Pressing the bell, he held his breath and waited for an answer, heart beating in his chest like a drum.

Time passed and after what felt like a minute Hoseok suspected that the door wasn't going to open. Only the sound of feet kept him from turning around and giving up in disappointment.

The handle was pressed down and Hoseok was granted a glance through a ten-centimeter wide opening of the door. Hyungwon had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and there was no need for any more light to be able to tell that the other man wasn't alright. His hair was messy, but the telltale signs were his red eyes and puffy cheeks that he had probably hoped to hide by not opening the door completely.

"Hoseok?" the low voice mumbled in surprise and the door opened a little wider. Hyungwon was chewing on his cheek. "I… doubt that I qualify for good company right now. I'm-"

Hoseok recognized the gaze on the other man's face, the way he glanced away and how his precious fingers seemed white where they held onto the door frame.

"I'm kind of a wreck, Hoseok."

“I heard about today. That’s okay. That’s why I’m here,” he murmured and squeezed himself through the open door. He pulled the blanket-covered body into a brief hug before walking into the apartment after removing his shoes. “Did you eat anything?” he asked and looked through the fridge. “I bet you didn’t.”

Hyungwon shook his head and merely pulled the blanket tighter around himself. Hoseok could feel the other man's eyes on him as he checked the state of the groceries in the fridge.

"You-" Hyungwon began but didn't finish as he suddenly dropped the blanket to the floor. Stumbling towards him, the other man wrapped his arms around his waist and rested his head on his shoulder, inhaling sharply. "You can't be real."

“I am real, that’s why I’m contemplating getting delivery instead of endangering you with my cooking skills,” he chuckled and turned, wrapping his arms around the slim waist. Hyungwon definitely needed something to eat, but Hoseok mostly hated the fact that the other man’s apartment didn’t have a tub. “Imagine how awesome this could’ve been if you had a tub. I would have filled it for you and watched you relax more with each passing second. But coming back to the reason I came - you must feel like shit and I’m so sorry that it happened.”

"How do you even know?" Hyungwon murmured and kept holding onto him with his eyes closed. The other man seemed to focus on his scent and presence, stroking his nose along his neck and inhaling deeply. "I'm so fucking glad that you are here even though you don't have to be."

_But you want to be here._

“Let me make you some basic toast with cheese because I’m shit at cooking without a recipe and then let’s take a shower, okay?” Hoseok stroked over the other man’s black hair and placed a kiss against his ear. “I knew because Namjoon from psychiatry told me. First, I thought you didn’t want to see me because the period of excitement passed, but I guess it didn’t yet and you do want to see me. I’m glad about that.”

"Period of excitement?" Hyungwon chuckled and closed his lips around a patch of sensitive skin right below his ear lobe that the other man sucked on. The sensation was there for exactly the amount of time he needed to respond and gasp, muscles flexing. "I see you're very hopeful about this."

“Hopeful? I… don’t think that I’m hoping, because it would mean that I'm waiting until you don't want to see me, but I don't. I hope that you want to see me and let me in when you are feeling like shit, even though it’s a vulnerable fucking situation. I usually just stay in the on-call room or go to the gym and run so fast that I can barely walk to distract myself from feeling terrible. You seem to be the alone-at-home type, but I want to be next to you right now.” Hoseok stroked over Hyungwon’s back with both hands and forced himself to let go to make some food.

"I'm glad that you are here," the other man whispered as he let his hands hang at his sides and leaned against the wall. "It's strange actually. I make sure that nobody sees me or can find me when I'm like this, but you must have a sixth sense for it, finding me and knowing that… I want to be in your arms the most. Fuck."

The confession felt meaningful to him, so he held his breath and focused on the arms around him. “You are making the process of preparing food very difficult for me, Hyungwon,” he murmured. “Here, please eat this so I can stop worrying about your nutrition and hold you.”

Long fingers grasped the sandwich he made and Hyungwon took a bite while observing him silently, eyes unwilling to slip away from his face as if he was going to fade away any second.

"How… long can you stay?"

"Until you feel better." He leaned against the counter and whispered his reply. "Would it be okay if I stay over at your place tonight?"

"What makes you think that you need to ask?" Hyungwon ate the sandwich much faster than a moment ago, almost inhaling it until the last bite disappeared and the tall man wrapped his arms around him, holding on tightly. "If I never feel better, are you going to stay forever?"

_He's joking, isn't he?_

"No. I'm going to conclude that it's me who's making you feel like shit," he breathed out and curled one arm around Hyungwon's waist, pulling him against his body until their faces were only a few centimeters apart.

"No," Hyungwon gasped and pressed a kiss against his lips. The touch was brief and when the other man leaned back Hoseok might have thought he imagined it, had the warmth not remained on his lips. "You're the only one who makes it better, so stay."

_The only one? It might feel like it when he's devastated, but it's not the truth, is it?_

The words felt meaningful, but maybe Hyungwon was tired and lonely and maybe it was the situation and their gazes, how they locked in understanding or how both of them just clicked.

_That's it, you just clicked. It's like you don't need years to learn about each other. It isn't just loneliness and you know it._

Sometimes Hoseok wanted his dumb, ignorant self back that was able to explain everything with made up bullshit and believe it.

"You stayed with me when I was about to hug my bottle of coffee and drown in loneliness, so I hope that this will give you at least some of the comfort you were able to give me." Leaning forward, he followed the steps Hyungwon showed him, kissing each mouth corner before connecting their lips in a soft kiss.

A tremble passed through the slim body in his arms, but Hyungwon didn't say anything, merely returning the gesture as he carefully led both of them towards the bathroom. Those familiar, long fingers were quick as they unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it down his shoulders, followed by the button and zipper of his pants.

Hoseok observed the other man and undressed him slowly. His motions were careful and sensual and he caught himself wanting to touch more, to attach his lips to the golden skin and to hold the lean body in his arms.

As soon as they were naked, Hyungwon reached for his wrist and pulled him into the shower before turning on the water and flinching from the few seconds that it remained cold. Instead of washing himself or reaching for shampoo, Hyungwon simply wrapped his arms around him and held on as they stood under the spray of water.

"I'll be my playful self soon," the low voice mumbled as lips placed a few kisses on his shoulder. "I promise."

"Don't, if you don't feel like it. I don't think I was a playful person lying on the couch and hugging a bottle of coffee. I didn't come here so you would be playful with me. I came here because I somehow thought that I could make it better by being next to you. Maybe because I think that I understand and know how it feels."

Smiling, he reached for the shower gel and soaped Hyungwon's gorgeous body, trying not to react too much, even when he kneeled and his small hands travelled up the other man's lean thighs.

Hyungwon hissed and leaned back against the tiles, eyes closed and air entering his lungs through his parted lips. The warm water had returned some of the color to his face and the redness around his eyes got better.

"Maybe that's what having somebody to come home to really feels like," Hyungwon whispered, but instantly reached for the shampoo as if he regretted saying the words out loud.

"I'm not sure about that," he murmured in reply and decided not to wrap his fingers around Hyungwon's pretty length, lifting to his feet instead and pulling the tall man against his chest. "I came to you, didn't I? Can't you… write to me when you feel like this? I want to come when I can."

"It's hard," Hyungwon murmured and returned the favor of soaping up his body. "I've been enduring these moments on my own for years, so even though I want to have you near it's difficult to take the initiative and say it. But I mean it when I say that I want you here with me."

_You're not eighteen anymore. This is not the same and you can't just expect him to create a dependency for himself._

"Sometimes I forget that you're a grown-up neurosurgeon. I'll try to pay attention. Just… please make sure to set the boundaries straight, or I might just step over them." Inhaling sharply because of the sensations of Hyungwon's big hands on his hips and thighs, Hoseok leaned down and pulled the other man up.

"You're telling me to set the boundaries straight?" Hyungwon chuckled and brushed his wet hair away from his forehead before leaning in to kiss him and turning off the shower. "I can't promise you that, Hoseok. I'm not even sure I can promise myself."

"Then don't," he whispered, stepping out of the shower and wrapping a big towel around Hyungwon before taking one for himself. Lifting on his tiptoes, he tried to dry the black hair, but it was hard. "I can't believe you're this tall," he murmured and chuckled, because back in the day he would've been so insecure about it, especially because Hyungwon's boyfriend was taller. "You're probably not used to someone who's shorter than you drying your hair, bear with me."

"I think it's nice." Smiling, the other man let his hands travel over his skin and watched him. Compared to the shell he had seen when he arrived, Hyungwon must be feeling better already, leaning down to make it easier for him to reach the black strands. "You're the perfect height."

_Smooth._

When their hair was towel dry, Hoseok briefly thought about lifting the other man, but decided against it. They really didn't talk about any boundaries and he didn't want to make it awkward between them. Instead of his previous thought, he took Hyungwon's hand into his own and pulled him into the bedroom, letting himself fall on the soft bed and taking the beautiful man along, arms wrapping around the slim waist. "Now that I have you and you can't run away or throw me out because I'm naked, tell me about your day. I know it was shit, but I want to know more."

"Sneaky, but also bold of you to assume that I won't throw you out naked," the low voice murmured against his neck but there wasn't as much bite in the comment. Hyungwon must have been thinking about what happened, inhaling softly and letting his long fingers brush over his hip bones. "There isn't much to say. Everything was going according to plan, I removed the tumor as shown on the CT image and finished up. Well, apparently the plan was a wrong one and a huge part of the tumor remained. The image was from a year ago before it grew. My hands still shake if I think about the fact that I stood there for 12 hours and have to put the patient through another craniectomy. He already has enough to deal with."

"Mhm. This is a major fuck up. I'm so sorry. It must feel terrible having to stand there for hours and in the end, it could've been prevented by proper practice and now you have to do it again. When is it?" he asked. "I'll try to get the shift."

It was late and Hyungwon must've been dead tired, so he rolled to the side and threw the blanket over both of them, one hand stroking over the other man's face. "I missed seeing you," he murmured truthfully because the big eyes reminded him of how much he liked looking at them. Especially now that he wasn't avoiding it anymore because there was no use. Because it was too late and there was nothing to be misunderstood about that.

"I'm sorry that I didn't wait for you." Hyungwon moved closer and slipped lower to rest his head on top of his chest. "I wanted to, but I was so out of it afterwards."

"Don't apologize. Really. There is nothing you have to apologize for." There was no reply, just the sensation of Hyungwon's slow breaths that hit his skin and became regular the more time passed. Hoseok pulled the other man into his embrace and wondered why Hyungwon kept comparing the feeling of being with him to coming home to someone who was waiting, or to having a family when it wasn't similar.

In fact, it wasn't comparable at all.

_

_This feels like way more than you had expected._

The alarm sounded vaguely familiar and he opened his eyes unwillingly, arms wrapped around a warm body that he couldn't see but very much feel, especially because there didn't seem to be any fabric in between this time. Shifting briefly, he hissed and waited until the long finger reached for the right button to snooze the alarm for five more minutes.

Stroking over the smooth line of Hyungwon's waist and hips, Hoseok leaned forward and placed a kiss against the other man's uncovered shoulder. No matter how he explained his current attraction, the person next to him was gorgeous in all kinds of ways and he wondered whether they didn't take it further because of the boundaries he wasn't sure existed, or because it simply wasn't the point.

The deal was clear, at least for him. He was lying naked in another man's bed, spooning him, so there was no way it could be misinterpreted.

_There's nothing to be misunderstood about that, but you didn't go any further either._

"I know it's your five minutes, but good morning," he whispered and placed a kiss on the soft shell of Hyungwon's ear.

"Morning," the other man mumbled and made sure to grasp his arms and tighten them around his own body. The naked skin of Hyungwon's behind instantly pressed against his groin and the beautiful man sighed in satisfaction.

"I'm wondering…" he started, stroking over the other man's neck. "You have a gorgeous muscular boyfriend, but you still let me be so close. I was wondering about what I was actually doing lying naked next to you, when it doesn't seem as if you're missing anything. You seem… perfect to me."

_Apart from his need to be understood. But you have it too._

Instead of replying immediately, Hyungwon pushed his body further against him and turned to be able to meet his gaze. The other man's eyes were half lidded with sleep, but still he was as beautiful as ever.

"You struggle to understand why I would need more than a gorgeous muscular boyfriend?" Hyungwon asked eventually and sighed before kissing his cheek and turning back towards the edge of the bed. The other man's slim body remained flush against his own. "Because until now nobody has bothered to understand what is going on inside my head and why I still chose to come home alone and wail in my professional failures. But somehow you do."

_So, it's because you understand._

"I do. Maybe because I also wail in my professional failures alone. I think that I have a heavier record than you. That's why we met." He sighed too and placed another kiss on Hyungwon's shoulder before climbing out of bed. With the other man's explanation their relationship almost made sense. If it had only been understanding that they shared.

_You could have been friends, but that's not it._

Hyungwon's alarm went off again and the other man turned it off before glancing over his naked shoulder and observing him.

"What do you mean by having a heavier record?" the black-haired man asked and sat up slowly, blanket pooling at his groin. "Isn't that something we decide because we judge ourselves the harshest?"

_You wish._

"Let's say there is a reason that I don't do critical emergency medicine anymore," he whispered, feeling a little nauseous because of the topic and the memories. "So, even though you feel devastated too, I hope that there's nothing among your mistakes that feels so heavy that you can’t breathe."

"That's not true." Hyungwon remained sitting on the bed, but the other man's brown eyes were firmly fixed on him. "You make it sound like people never die in my area of work. They die all the time, Hoseok. That's inherent to cancer and not something we have been able to change yet. The difference is whether somebody dies because of a particular mistake I made, or from the consequences of cancer. Somehow... you sound like you are talking about the first."

The other man stood up from the bed and walked over to him, unbothered by the fact that both of them were undressed. Wrapping his arms around him, Hyungwon pulled him against his chest and brushed his long fingers over his hair, stopping at his nape. "You’ve lost all color in your face. I'm sorry for making you remember."

_It must've been so obvious, but then again… He's the first one who's actually asking._

Hoseok swallowed and shook his head, uncomfortable that the other man had noticed his reaction. "Well, I quit emergency medicine, so I won't make those mistakes anymore. I have more time to react now. Neurology gives me a bit more preparation time, but I can still keep some of the adrenaline," he whispered and leaned back. "But let's brush our teeth."

_You live on adrenaline, but he doesn't know. He doesn't understand why it's so important to you._

Hyungwon nodded and grabbed his hand to pull him in the direction of the bathroom before handing him a toothbrush. Only when his shoulders had relaxed a little and the other man's warm hand stroked over his back, did he realize that Hyungwon had given him time to compose himself and he was so thankful.

"Do you think other people make fewer mistakes than you do?" the low voice asked.

"I don't. I just think that there are mistakes that we should not make because we know so well what can happen as a consequence." He brushed his teeth quickly and turned to Hyungwon. "Didn't I come here to try and make you feel better and not to burden you early in the morning?"

"I don't think it matters why you came, Hoseok." The other man smiled and briefly leaned in to place a kiss below his ear before leaving the sink to him. "I'm just glad that you were able to tell that I needed you and I hope that I can be there for you too."

_What if he can? What if he keeps being there? Won't you miss it if he decides that he's had enough?_

Hoseok washed his face, looking at himself in the mirror of another man's home, asking himself where all of this was going, but maybe, just maybe, he didn't have to. Maybe his affection and attraction didn't lead anywhere and were just there, intense for a moment, sedating and making him feel good before the mask was removed and he woke up again.

Alone.

_

_Long fingers in his hair and shadows that played around the lean thighs as long legs tightened around his neck, pulling him closer to where he wanted to be, to inhale the distinct scent and finally have a taste. Feeling his abdomen contract as he looked up and saw the thick, parted lips, a low breathy exhale that was accompanied by nails in his back and the warm skin that made his fingertips tingle. Coming closer he couldn't rip his gaze away from the black locks that partially covered the big eyes and the pink tongue that licked over the pretty mole. There was nothing. Nothing that he wanted more than to finally lean in and have a taste._

_You got used to it._

It didn't feel scary and uncomfortable this time, but more like a reminder of what his desires consisted of during the past few weeks. Only that, for the first time, the dream wasn't a memory. It was a fantasy and the protagonist wasn't the boy with pink hair, but the grown-up neurosurgeon that he met after over fifteen years.

_You were between his legs a week ago, ready to taste him and he didn't set a boundary, instead, he told you that you can have it. So, you simply remind yourself of the fact that you still want him._

Hoseok wasn't sure if something changed, but somehow their eye contact was different now. The silent glances that they gave each other in the OR, how they smiled at each other when they accidentally met in the hospital hallways during their shifts. The difficult part about it was that he loved to see it. Hyungwon's smile, his face, the way his big eyes widened when there was something that surprised the neurosurgeon or made him insecure.

At the same time Hoseok felt as if Hyungwon was so much more capable than he let on. The dedication and competence with which the other man finished up his work was remarkable and the professional respect and admiration painted the whole situation in colors that made the thoughts about Hyungwon seem so much brighter than others in his mind.

_You're next to him every day, that's probably why you keep dreaming about him. The excitement isn't over yet._

When he went down the stairs of the magnificent house that he had bought in Zurich in an attempt to forget about a personal failure, he should've thought that everything was perfect. Objectively, everything should've been good. His children were healthy. His wife was still content with the way their life was going and he had an amazing opportunity to learn new things in neurology, just…

_Just that you miss the adrenaline. Lack of it makes you feel empty and you don't seem to have enough._

He didn't know that it would be this bad, but maybe that explained the way he felt about Hyungwon. The neurosurgeon was somehow able to trigger a similar kind of adrenaline in him, making him feel like he had just resuscitated a lost case in a helicopter.

Hoseok still loved his job, of course he did, but he felt like the loneliness after coming home, or walking up and making a coffee in his beautiful kitchen all by himself was so much more bearable when he knew he had no time to think about it. That he had to run and save a life, change a life, do what he was best at. Be quick and work under immense pressure.

_What you thought you were best at._

_Were._

His mouth corner lifted in a bitter smile and he emptied his coffee, tucking the white shirt that he was wearing into his dark-blue jeans. Now there was no emergency that he had to run for, his day mostly consisted of scheduled surgeries, but instead of the emergencies, there was something else that he was looking forward to.

Sometimes it was the way the round brown eyes glanced at him during surgery, or when they washed their hands and Hoseok stared at their reflections in the mirror, imagining what he would do if it wasn't their workplace. It was the situations in which those pupils dilated, how the long fingers reached for the cap and ripped it from the black locks. And especially those times when he saw Hyungwon leaning against the white wall exhausted and how that expression of pure exhaustion turned into a tired smile when he was close.

Then, right then, the adrenaline was there, graspable.

_He makes you feel as if you are the reason that he smiles even though he's on the verge of a breakdown._

This time his smile was genuine and he glanced up to the rooms on the second floor, trying to remember the last time Yura and him talked about anything that didn't concern the way they were managing this whole family business. It must've been a long time ago, and even though he had wanted it that way, his smile was gone when he walked out of the door to drive back to the place that gave him what he needed.

_

A few days had passed and Hoseok had been through many different phases and moods, from dreaming about a different outcome to his last visit at Hyungwon's place to devastation and uncontrollable desire to just grab the handsome face and clash their lips together in the middle of a case discussion. After some thought, he ended the journey with chewing on his lips every time he thought about more than reality had to offer and trying to keep the mutual understanding that they both cherished so much without going any further.

_It doesn't feel like a friendship and it isn't one, but maybe, after some time you two could become friends. Who knows?_

Swallowing briefly because he caught himself thinking about it again, he changed back into his own clothes next to his locker, briefly glancing at his phone. It was Friday and he wanted to go to the gym to get back into his routine, to run until he couldn't think and to work out to be content with his body, hoping that it would paint over his persistent thoughts.

_Maybe you should've just taken it when he agreed to let you have it._

Somehow, he wasn't sure that getting a taste would've changed anything about his desire. About the fact that seeing Hyungwon work, laugh, or comment on complicated cases reminded him of how much he enjoyed being close to the neurosurgeon, how good it felt to look at each other during surgery and understand how desperate he had been to come home two days ago and touch himself in the shower, thinking about the way the long fingers curled and accurately cut nails left lines on his thigh.

Hoseok hated that the marks were gone.

_Didn't you want to keep it the way it is? It might make everything more complicated if you go further than hugging naked and he must know that too._

Hyungwon shared that he had his boyfriend, but that he cherished the way Hoseok understood his professional struggles. He really tried, but somehow it seemed impossible to separate his desires from the wish to be there for Hyungwon.

_Like when you placed your hand on his shoulder after the thrombectomy and felt like passing out because you wanted to kiss him and feel his waist under your fingertips._

Again, he sighed, a bit annoyed by how little control he had over what he was thinking and grabbed his phone, telling Yura that he would be late today.

_You need to get this out of your system somehow._

When he finally arrived at the gym it was already ten and he blessed the fact that they decided to extend opening hours and he didn't have to stress and try to finish his routine in time.

It was empty as usual apart from a young man busying himself in the lifting corner. Hoseok threw his towel over his shoulder and went to the lifting machine and chose to do pec exercises first. He liked how his chest looked and tried to keep it that way. When he adjusted the weights and lifted the bar from his chest, he suddenly remembered how Hyungwon's face looked when he spread his long fingers and stroked over his chest, making him gasp.

_You need more weight._

Hoseok sighed and added another weight before returning to his previous position. This time he only managed to do eleven repetitions, sweating easily and having to wipe his face. When he stood up and removed his towel from his forehead, he saw Hyungwon, standing a few meters away watching him.

_Great. He doesn't let you run away from things, does he?_

"I thought you went home," he murmured and stepped closer, observing the healthy blush on the other man's cheeks and how his chest rose and fell. Hyungwon must've just finished with his usual routine.

"Cardio doesn't care about whether I'm exhausted from work or not." A smile appeared on the other man's lips and he pulled his headband down, showing off his sweat less forehead and the size of his eyes. "I love watching you lift, especially when you reach the point at which no thoughts remain."

Chuckling briefly, he leaned against the machine and smiled, still breathing heavily. "This time I had to increase the weight to stop thinking, it's getting harder, maybe because I skipped my routine so many times."

_And you would probably skip it again if he asked you to._

"Mind if I watch today?" Hyungwon let his long fingers brush through his black hair to get them out of his eyes and threw his towel over his shoulder. Why the other man took one if he didn't do weight training and there was never any sweat on his skin was a mystery.

The suggestion felt strange and thinking about Hyungwon's boyfriend he couldn't help but feel self-conscious. "Are you sure? I think Elias' videos would give a better experience," he replied, but still slowly walked to the bench press and gestured at the bar before spreading his towel and lying on the bench. "But it's good that you're here, usually I need to recruit some fitbro to help, but the gym is mostly empty, so now that I have you, you can make sure that I don't drop the ninety kilograms on my chest."

"That's more than my total weight," Hyungwon chuckled before throwing his towel to the side and putting his headband on. "And you misunderstand. It's not about watching a workout, it's about observing you."

_You?_

The other man didn't elaborate further and got in position to help him out, teeth nibbling on his bottom lip as big eyes roamed over Hoseok's chest.

Hoseok chewed on his lips too because damn, Hyungwon looked gorgeous. Healthy blush, tight running wear and long fingers that curled around the middle of the bar. Wrapping his own around the metal and getting into position, he inhaled and lifted the barbell. It was fucking heavy, but he concentrated on his breathing and not the fact that he wanted the man who was helping him.

_You'll just drop the thing if you keep thinking about him._

When it got really hard, Hyungwon helped him so that he was able to put the barbell back after a few reps.

"Thank you," he breathed out and looked up.

Hyungwon was watching him intently, big eyes focused on his face and carefully slipping towards his lips before they returned to meet his gaze. Instead of replying to him, the other man tightened his hands around the middle of the bar and suddenly leaned down, plump lips pressing against his.

The action was so sudden, that he exhaled against the other man's mouth, eyes widening, but the sensation remained, making his skin tingle and want more, more of it. Hoseok was completely out of breath, but maybe the adrenaline from the exercise made him receptive to the touch. Shit, he loved how those lips felt. He loved it so much.

His hands slipped from the bar and he reached for Hyungwon's face, letting his fingers dance around the slim neck and smooth cheeks as his lips kissed the plump ones, brief and never staying too long because the air that he desperately sucked through his nose wasn't enough.

Hyungwon caught his bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth, nibbling on it for a few seconds before the other man used his hot tongue to lick over the curve of his lips and finally leaned back. The way breaths lifted the slim chest suggested that Hyungwon was just as affected as he was, color returning to his gorgeous face the way it had right after the workout.

"What else is part of your routine?" the low voice asked eventually while Hoseok could feel fingers trace a path from a spot behind his ear to his collarbones.

"I would love to say: you, but that's a lie and I'm trying my best to keep my mind in the realms of reality. I thought of running and then going to the sauna, unless there is something that I would like to do more," he commented, gaze focused on the handsome face as his fingers held onto the cold metal bar and tightened around it.

"Shower with me," Hyungwon whispered instead of remarking on his plans or obvious clues about what he'd much rather do. There was a hint of uncertainty on the other man's face, but his expression remained firm and Hoseok only belatedly realized that Hyungwon's utterance hadn't been a question.

Hoseok would've loved to say that he thought about what the suggestion meant and considered its consequences, but he simply nodded and stood up, taking his towel and waiting for Hyungwon to follow.

The hint of a smile appeared at the right corner of the other man's lips and he reached for his own towel before following him. One might have thought Hoseok was the only one going mad even though the one who had kissed him first was Hyungwon.

As soon as they reached the locker rooms, the other man merely undressed quickly before grabbing his shower stuff and waited for him as he leaned against his locker, not bothering to wrap the towel around his hips. Hyungwon's eyes were obviously trained on his body, observing him as he pulled his workout shorts down his thighs.

His mental state wasn't very stable and he couldn't rip away his gaze, in awe at how gorgeous Hyungwon looked as he took his shower gel and shampoo and walked towards the showers, skin tingling and adrenaline constricting his lungs and making it hard to breathe.

_You know what's going on between you and he knows it so well._

Hyungwon seemed so calm, all the way to the shower area that was deserted at that time. The tall man placed his fresh towel on the rack and arranged his shower gel and shampoo in the stall before simply waiting for him to do the same.

As soon as Hoseok had placed his shampoo bottle on the shelf, Hyungwon suddenly hissed 'fuck this' and pushed him against the ice-cold shower wall, pulling a gasp from his lips. The cold against his back was counteracted by the heat against his chest as Hyungwon wrapped one arm around his waist and cupped his face with the other. They shared a second of eye contact before lips were against his and fingers slipped into his hair, tugging at it.

He really didn't mean to, but his body was on fire, attempting to be close as he wrapped both arms around Hyungwon's waist and roamed over his back, tugged on his hair and let out a sound that resembled a suppressed groan.

"You're driving me crazy," he hissed before accidentally slamming the on button with his elbow and covering them both in cold water. It was funny how they briefly flinched but continued being all over each other. "How am I supposed to keep the mutual understanding part if I want you?"

"What the fuck are you even talking about?" Hyungwon murmured and covered his mouth with his own before letting his fingers roam over his chest and tilting his nails just enough to leave fine lines along his pecs. "Do you suddenly stop understanding me because you touch me?"

“No,” he muttered in reply and plainly melted under those nails, head thrown back and mouth open to release a shaky breath. When the sensation faded enough to let him think clearly, he opened his eyes and focused them on the handsome face in front of him. “But the mutual understanding seemed to be enough for you.”

The teeth that had just begun to nibble on his neck pulled back again and he was met with Hyungwon's eyes, so close that he could have counted his eyelashes had he wanted to.

"That's bullshit," the other man hissed and sank to his knees before licking over his hip bone and biting into his inner thigh. "You're the one asking me to keep boundaries that you don't even want yourself."

Hoseok didn’t know which word the other man should’ve used instead, but ‘boundaries’ sounded simply ridiculous when he looked down at the man who kneeled between his legs and drove him crazy with his teeth and nails, as if remembering what he liked.

_But you never told him that you love the demanding way he acts when it gets sexual._

“I don’t want any boundaries. I want you, but you seemed okay with our interaction for the past week, so I thought...” he whispered and sunk his fingers into the short black hair, pulling at the wet strands and feeling thankful that Hyungwon at least chose a closed shower instead of the open space. “I thought you wanted to stay platonic.”

_Stay platonic? Really? When were you two ever fucking platonic with each other, Hoseok?_

"So much to there being nothing left to misunderstand," Hyungwon whispered against his skin as he let his lips travel down his inner thigh, leaving marks until he licked his way back up and wrapped his long fingers around his already firm length.

"I'll make you mine now, Hoseok."

The look in Hyungwon’s big eyes that accompanied the words made him dizzy and he loved it. He loved how it made him feel. How the long fingers held him, how Hyungwon observed him and what the words meant. Hoseok basked in the adrenaline that coursed through his body because Hyungwon was able to give it to him as if the other man knew that it had been what he wanted and that he wanted it independent of his or Hyungwon’s personal situation.

_You want it, you want him and there is nothing to misunderstand about it._

Licking the water drops from his lips, Hoseok blinked a few times and exhaled the air that he was holding in his lungs.

“Do it,” he breathed out because it was the most truthful thing he could have said.

***

Longing glances, hands that rested on his shoulder but only remained for long enough to let him know they could have stayed longer. Curved lips that suffered from teeth that repeatedly bit down on them, an unconscious gesture that was there each time their eyes met.

Time passed and work continued, but somehow the time that they spent together at his apartment felt like a thing of the past. Hoseok wasn't avoiding him, rather the opposite. It felt like the other man was everywhere, just like his eyes that seemed to follow his motions, to suck up every second that they were next to each other. It was all there, but somehow Hoseok didn't consider it necessary to do anything about it.

_Is he doing this on purpose?_

He doubted that Hoseok was purposefully showing him the effect his presence had, only to suffer by himself and not do anything about it. He could imagine the other man having his reasons, but when they embraced naked in his bed, he had assumed that asking him to take care of 'boundaries' meant that Hoseok gave just as little shits about what they should have been doing as he did.

_You know what you are doing and there is nothing left to misunderstand._

He knew exactly what he was doing, which is why there was no need to wonder or to decide what he should do as soon as his eyes fell on Hoseok's gorgeous body as he worked out. One might have thought that he merely enjoyed observing good looking men sweating with effort and of course it would be a lie to claim that he didn't.

_But this is different. You can see muscles flex and sweat drops travel down a gorgeous chest whenever you want, but this isn't the reason for looking at him._

Hyungwon caught himself on the thought that he hadn't watched any of Elias' live work out videos for the past week, occupying himself with additional work and thoughts of Hoseok's obvious but restrained behavior.

The other man had only begun his routine, so Hyungwon had tried. He had genuinely tried to observe and get the most out of it with his eyes, to watch Hoseok move and to not think about the way the other man was literally eating him up with his eyes as soon as he glanced in his direction.

_Why is he doing this to himself? Because of his boundaries?_

It didn't make sense because Hoseok hadn't bothered with them even when his children were literally meters away. Maybe the other man had realized that their understanding and sexual attraction went beyond what he felt capable of, but if that was indeed true, then maybe Hoseok should have fucking told him in advance.

_Before you found yourself making sacrifices, yearning for his presence and wondering if having somebody might be worth it after all._

Hyungwon had done his best to play the game the way Hoseok did it, to observe without acting, to let his eyes wander over the sweat drops that developed on Hoseok's forehead and dripped down his temples. He watched the way the other man reacted to the effort, traced the developing blush and the effect the workout had with his eyes.

When Hoseok's lifting routine finished, he decided that he had enough. It started with a kiss, as a lot of their encounters did. Hyungwon ignored the fact that they were at the gym and in public and simply allowed himself a taste of that curved mouth.

One might have even called it innocent as they had kissed many times before, often enough for Hyungwon to consider those boundaries Hoseok spoke of bullshit.

_Maybe he wants to switch it around. Back then you had everything but his lips, now his lips and presence are what you get._

Hyungwon wasn't particularly good at playing according to rules that didn't make sense to him, so he didn't. His patience was already running thin when he undressed and watched Hoseok slip out of his sweaty clothes. He could see a hint of anticipation on the other man's face and that only made him want to touch him more, to leave red lines again and watch those round eyes fall shut from pleasure.

_How could he even begin to consider this platonic?_

Misunderstandings seemed to be unavoidable between them, a remnant from an age-old habit of not talking to each other.

Licking over Hoseok's milky thighs and covering them in light bites, Hyungwon decided that he had to be more vocal about his decisions and desires for Hoseok to stop misinterpreting them.

"I'll make you mine now, Hoseok," he whispered and wrapped his fingers around Hoseok's length, enjoying how hot and firm it felt this time. The expression on the other man's face was breathtaking, gasp leaving the parted lips and eyes so dark that Hyungwon couldn't tell the pupil from the iris.

There it was, the chewing on the pretty red lips that mixed with the expression of breathtaking arousal when Hoseok told him to do it, to make him his.

_There's nothing you'd rather do._

Hyungwon's body felt so hot that he could have trembled from the mere knowledge that he was still able to make Hoseok react that way, to pull out a need that remained despite all that self-control.

_Almost as if you don't even have to make him, he's already yours._

He applied pressure with his fingers, using the water to ease the motion while leaving additional marks on Hoseok's skin. The way the other man tasted blurred his senses and it didn't matter that the tiles were cutting into his knees or that they were in a public shower. Hyungwon was going to make Hoseok forget himself, so much that those delicate hands were going to lose track of their strength.

Inhaling through his nose, he left a track of fine bites along Hoseok's inner thighs until he finally allowed himself a taste. The water running down their bodies kept him from enjoying it to the fullest, but the way the other man's legs trembled was enough of a reward.

"You're gorgeous," he whispered and closed his lips around the tip of Hoseok's length while stroking his hands over the rest of it, enjoying the texture and thickness. He vaguely remembered because so many of his first times were shared with Hoseok, but at the same time it felt as exciting as another first. A first with the man that Hoseok was now.

Back then, Hoseok would have tried not to make too many sounds, now, the low hums entered his ears along with the feeling of warm fingers massaging his scalp and pulling at his hair along with his motions.

"You are so… fuck… you are addictive. Like adrenaline," the low voice murmured, revealing that Hoseok was working with his breathing, holding his breaths and releasing them when he didn't provide intense touches.

_He is basking in every second of it._

Hoseok had mentioned adrenaline before and Hyungwon found himself wondering if it was the feeling of risk that the other man liked. But then there wasn't enough risk taking for that to be true, not enough situations in which Hoseok simply took what he wanted.

_You do that._

He hummed around the thickness between his lips and let it slip deeper inside his throat. His left hand was stroking over what he wasn't stimulating with his mouth yet and his right hand explored Hoseok's thighs, scratching along them right when he sucked with vigor.

The sounds the other man was making were intoxicating and so arousing. Hyungwon could feel the muscles flex under his fingers as Hoseok played with his hair absentmindedly and when he looked up, the dark eyes always met his gaze.

"You're making me dizzy," Hoseok breathed out with a smile that was interrupted by a low and breathy moan when his nails scratched the pale skin. "I love it," the other man added and rubbed his hair over the wet tiles, "I love the way you're touching me."

Hyungwon loved it too, he adored every single sound that left Hoseok's lips, every contraction of his firm thighs under his nails and every moan that found its path past those curved lips he wanted to cover with his own.

_All in due time._

He was impatient, but mostly because he wanted to have all of the other man, every sound, every glance and every tug at his hair when he sucked on a particularly sensitive spot. His fingers danced over the sensitive skin, warm from the hot water and he relaxed his throat to take most of Hoseok's length, letting it hit the back of his throat and pull a hum of arousal from him.

_It seems different, but why?_

Hyungwon wasn't sure, but he basked in every second that Hoseok was his, breathless and gradually moving towards climax.

"I'm close," the other man mumbled between the low moans that sounded through the shower and he was thankful that the gym was deserted at that time because there was no mistaking the sounds that Hoseok was making.

He hummed instead of depriving Hoseok of pleasure for the sake of a reply and purposefully removed his left hand from the firm base. It was obvious that the other man enjoyed a hint of roughness, so Hyungwon gave it to him by letting both hands travel from Hoseok's hips down his thighs, gradually applying more pressure. At the same time, he increased the friction with his lips and felt his own arousal throb between his legs from the loud groan that echoed around him.

The pulsating between his lips accompanied the motions of his throat as he swallowed around the thick length. When Hoseok's breaths filled the space around them, he looked up, meeting the dark gaze and seeing the other man pant through parted lips.

_You love the way he looks at you._

Hoseok leaned forward and pulled him up, returning his attention to his burning knees and throat, but the warm lips that immediately caught his in a desperate kiss managed to distract him once again.

Hyungwon briefly found himself wondering if he should have felt guilt and regret over being close to Hoseok despite both of them being with somebody else. But it wasn't like him to regret or feel guilty after consciously making the decision. He knew exactly what he was doing and he didn't want it any less just because he knew that Hoseok was married. In addition, Hoseok was his own person and capable of making his own decisions.

_Both of you want this, so you act on it._

Hoseok's lips felt addicting against his own and Hyungwon wrapped his arms around the other man's neck and pulled at his hair to have him closer. His hips pressed against Hoseok's and he gasped at the resulting friction.

_You're not worried because it's sexual. You're worried because it feels like so much more._

"What…" Hoseok started whispering in his ear and leaned back a little. The other man looked gorgeous with the blush covering his cheeks and how short of breath he seemed when Hyungwon leaned in to place a kiss on the curved mouth. "What do you like?" the low voice finished.

Hyungwon barely contained the urge to answer with 'you' and smiled instead. Turning around, he reached for Hoseok's muscular arms and wrapped them around his own waist from behind before leaning against the shower wall. He let the delicate hands roam over his chest and abdomen while pressing his behind against Hoseok's groin.

"Touch me like you would touch yourself."

"This feels so intense," Hoseok hissed at the touch and let his delicate hand travel over his chest, playing with his nipples, before stroking up his neck and down to his stomach. The fingers of Hoseok's other hand drew circles around his hip bone before they curled around his throbbing erection, stroking him as he felt Hoseok's hitched breaths when the other man sunk his teeth into the crook of his neck.

Hyungwon gasped because he enjoyed the other man's careful touch even though there was no need to treat him so tenderly. With each additional stroke and moan that left his lips, Hoseok's motions got bolder and he held his breath when the other man pulled him tight against his muscular body and added the sensation of hot skin to the pleasure between his legs.

"You're doing amazing," he praised and threw his head back, providing Hoseok with more access to his neck. The arousal that spread from his groin to his legs caused his thighs to flex.

Maybe he imagined it, but with Hoseok's size, he was pretty sure that the other man was hard again, hissing at the friction when he moved his hips and felt the hot length against his body.

"Tell me if there's something you want me to do," Hoseok added before nibbling on his neck and stroking him, increasing the strength and applying more pressure towards the tip. "I'll do it all."

Hyungwon smiled at that, containing all the possibilities that weren't feasible and merely rubbed his hips over Hoseok's groin.

"Pull me closer and bite my neck," he breathed out and moaned right after, responding to the way Hoseok dug his thumb into his slit. "Fuck, just like that."

That was the moment when he could feel the other man's strength, pulling him flush against the warm muscular body and touching him, biting into his skin and combining sensations. He couldn't see it, but it was different from how it was with Elias. The touch was different, Hoseok's scent, his rough breaths and sharp teeth that sunk into his neck, soft lips that sucked his skin into the warm mouth, the gorgeous sound when he rubbed his behind against the firm erection, all of it was different and made him aware that he was doing something that wasn't routine, something that he couldn't predict, something that excited him.

"Hoseok-" he moaned the other man's name and buried the nails of his right hand in the firm muscles of the arm that was holding him. Pleasure built up quickly, combining the excitement, the sounds and the fact that he had wanted to be this close for weeks. Repeating a breathier version of the other man's name, he trembled through the aftermath of his orgasm and threw his head back to bask in the feeling of teeth in his neck.

He didn’t know how long they stood there, because Hoseok didn’t stop touching him, roaming his chest and stomach, sucking on the sensitive skin on his neck as the water kept raining down on them, making it feel as if the moment couldn’t pass.

“Do you think one can miss something that one didn’t know the feeling of?” Hoseok asked, placing a kiss against the shell of his ear.

_You could be asking yourself the same question._

"Maybe one just knows that something is missing and once it's there you know that was it," he whispered in reply and tried to catch his breath, unwilling to move apart and interrupt the affection Hoseok was gifting him.

_But what does it mean if you've been missing this? Wasn't work enough for you?_

"Hmm, I don't think so," Hoseok whispered and covered his neck in kisses while his warm palms stroked over his arms, his sides, pulling him closer against Hoseok's muscular body and his prominent arousal. "I think you can only miss something if you know and have tasted it. But after you have, you keep thinking about it and you try to have more because that's what makes you feel alive. That's why the contrast that it creates to what you know makes you think that you've missed it. You didn't. It's just that you finally had a bite and now everything else seems bland."

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, unsure what to say because the implications of what Hoseok said were clear.

_You've been living like this all this time because you didn't know how it could be._

"Everything else will remain bland, won't it?" he asked and stroked over Hoseok's arms that were embracing him and holding him close, sharing their body warmth even though both of them had orgasmed and were in the middle of a gym shower.

Hoseok let his hands travel over his sides, playing with the pressure that he applied with his fingertips, before turning him and pulling him into an embrace that felt more intimate than anything else despite the arousal that still remained and was visible between them.

"I'm not sure. It depends on you, what you're used to, what you like, what you want, expect and… and how it tasted," the low voice breathed out. Hyungwon could see the drops running down the pale face, rolling over the curved mouth and dropping between them. "I guess I might have wanted to keep the part about mutual understanding because I felt like it was something that you cherished. I know that I probably didn't give you any extraordinary feelings as I'm not very sure what I'm doing, but it felt special to me. I loved touching you. I loved touching you so much."

_Why is he so insecure?_

It didn't make sense to him, not at first. Hoseok had no reason to worry about not providing 'extraordinary feelings' - whatever the fuck that was. The two of them had been different next to each other from day one and Hoseok was the only person that Hyungwon ended up working less for. There was so much between them that it almost seemed ridiculous to assume that Hyungwon didn't care about being close.

_You're the one who pushed him against the wall but he sounds like he cannot pleasure you._

"You're a little slow sometimes," he murmured before kissing Hoseok's lips and cupping his cheek. "I cherish all of it. I merely held back because you didn't give me any opportunity not to."

_Is he insecure because he's not used to it, worried that he cannot please you the way somebody with more experience can?_

"Maybe it's just my head not being able to get around the fact that you seem to know exactly what I like while I'm unsure about what you want and expect. I know that you are in a relationship and you know well about my situation too, but somehow…" The black eyes fluttered shut as he cupped Hoseok's cheek and the other man stayed with his eyes closed, leaning into the touch and smiling. "I should stop talking. Why do I talk so much next to you?"

_But somehow you both want this anyway._

Hyungwon didn't reply at first and merely traced Hoseok's jaw before following the curve of his lips with his thumb. It felt different to be this close and it was neither the way they seemed to understand each other, nor the sexual attraction they felt. Not on their own. It must have been a combination of both and that was what resulted in the 'somehow' Hoseok was talking about.

"We both know, but somehow that doesn't change anything, does it?"

_Because you still want this._

"No. Hearing you admit to it makes it so much harder to resist," the low voice whispered as the warm hands stroked down his waist and wrapped around it before Hoseok pulled him against his body and leaned forward, kissing him deeply right under the warm spray.

_He must be stronger than you if he even bothered to try._

Unfortunately, their failed attempts at resistance didn't mean much to the closing time of the gym and the fact that they had stood under the water for a long time, so Hoseok leaned back and quickly helped him soap his body and hair before taking care of his own and finally turning off the shower. The closing announcements that echoed through the halls made it easier to hurry up.

It was mostly quiet between them when they walked back to the lockers and got dressed, but it was the expression on Hoseok's face when they both had left the gym and he stopped next to his bike to say bye, that hit differently. It almost seemed as if the other man didn't want to leave.

"I would drive you home but you only have a few hours until your alarm rings, and I don't want you to sacrifice sleep," Hoseok murmured and smiled, playing with his car keys. "I want you to have those peaceful five minutes when you aren't quite awake because your body is completely relaxed, but still half conscious and just about to open your eyes."

The words hit differently and he bit down on his bottom lip, sufficiently painful to interrupt his train of thought, but still not enough to contain his desire to reach out and make sure Hoseok wasn't able to go anywhere with those car keys of his.

_He doesn't want to leave, and you don't want him to leave either._

"I like them more when you hold me," he whispered, unable to keep the words in his mind instead of in the open. "I want you to come to me tomorrow, Hoseok. After work."

"I would love to," the low voice replied, firm and not sounding as if it was some kind of secret they needed to keep, but a decision, an important information, a wish. Stepping closer, Hoseok wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled him into a kiss that didn't last long enough before leaning back and walking towards his car. "Because everything else will be bland," Hoseok murmured, but he couldn't see the expression on the other man's face.

Hyungwon remained standing there, one hand around the handle bar and watched Hoseok's broad back as he left. He didn't need to see the other man's expression to know that he had spoken the truth, something that they both knew.

_You can't just live off work anymore, Hyungwon._

It wasn't enough.

_

The apartment was silent when he unlocked the door, turned on the light in the hallway and slipped out of his shoes. Even though that in itself was nothing out of the ordinary, it felt different to him, like the lack of sound applied pressure to his ears and turned the few rooms that he called his own into an empty hall.

_It's always just you, but suddenly you feel it._

It must have been the mere possibility that Hoseok could have come with him had the other man not decided to grant him his four hours of sleep. Now that he was walking through to the kitchen and making himself a simple sandwich for dinner, those four hours seemed meaningless compared to the possibility of waking up with Hoseok's arms around his body.

_What is it that you miss about it?_

It could have been the warmth, the embrace that Hyungwon had always enjoyed. After all, that was how he slept when he shared a bed with somebody. But as Hoseok had pointed out there was no room left for misunderstandings and he knew that wasn't it. Several things combined into one but knowing that didn't tell him how to deal with it or how to act. Hyungwon wanted the other man, he wanted him physically and emotionally, constantly and was willing to sacrifice sleep to be together.

_What the hell are you supposed to do about this?_

Finishing his sandwich, he washed his face in the sink, brushed his teeth and lay down in bed with his eyes opened. Sleep should have taken over him in a matter of seconds - the advantage of constant exhaustion - but somehow it didn't come. Instead his phone vibrated and he sighed before reaching for it and finding a message from Elias. He sounded excited and told him about a new video that was going to be online in a bit and that he could watch if he felt like it and missed him.

Staring at the words, Hyungwon realized once again that he hadn't watched a video in a long time. Instead of meeting up, he had visited Hoseok to help him with childcare and afterwards work hadn't given him enough hours to make a trip to his boyfriend worth it.

_You're boyfriends in theory but think of somebody else._

The thought felt unpleasant in his mind, but that didn't make it any less true. Hyungwon hadn't written a single message and even though he had told Elias about the kiss, he hadn't bothered to call and tell him about anything else. Even now, after being close to Hoseok at the gym, he hadn't thought of telling his boyfriend that he was close to somebody else.

_It feels wrong, but that doesn't change anything either, does it?_

Hoseok was right about their situations. Hyungwon had a boyfriend and the other man was married with children, but still they found themselves searching each other out and wanting to be close. Even now Hyungwon's hands were itching to write a message to the other man instead of replying to Elias that it was too late now, but that he might watch it another time.

_It feels wrong because you know that you are hurting him and he doesn't deserve it._

From the outside one might have questioned the arrangement that Elias and him had worked out for themselves. After all, an open relationship was like a sign of no love to some, but that wasn't true. Hyungwon genuinely liked Elias and there had been many reasons for choosing to be with him, despite his obsession with work and the fact that he didn't commit to the same degree that others did. The two of them had made it work despite the fact that Elias couldn't satisfy his love for work and Hyungwon didn't have enough time to satisfy the other man's libido. It was fine and he had liked the feeling of it, even if loneliness caught up with him once in a while.

_But Hoseok can tell, he sees it and carefully wraps his delicate hands around it until it fades away._

Sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, Hyungwon turned to the side and wrapped his thick blanket tighter around himself. It felt a little colder somehow and he rubbed his thighs together as he observed his phone that still lay next to him and shone with the message.

'I have to get up early, but I'll check it out another time,' he typed eventually and sent it off, wondering why it wasn't the loneliness he felt but something else. Loneliness was what drove him to watch videos and remind himself that there was somebody for him, that he had made a choice and that he was satisfied with it.

_But suddenly you aren't anymore, because you know what it feels like._

A heaviness spread in his chest as he clicked away the conversation and opened the one he shared with Hoseok, mostly silent as they only talked about work, shifts and those few times they met up.

'I hope you got home well,' he wrote and sent off the message, realizing that it wasn't quite like him. He rarely wrote affectionate messages or empty words that couples said to each other routinely.

_But you mean them._

He genuinely hoped that the other man got home well, that he didn't feel as empty in his own house, wondering what could have been and that he didn't regret not coming along in the end and sharing each other's warmth for the few hours that remained.

He stared at the symbol that told him the message arrived and knew that he should have slept, but still his eyes remained focused on it, hoping that the symbol for 'read' was going to appear.

The blue checkmark appeared and he glanced at the notice that Hoseok was typing before his message arrived. 'I did. But I like your face more than my ceiling.'

_He must be feeling the same._

'I like your hands more than my blanket,' he typed and wrapped said blanket tighter around himself. Hoseok should have been sleeping too, but still both of them were lying in bed and thinking about each other.

'You have to work tomorrow; won't you be tired writing to me instead of trying to get some sleep?' The message was followed by a few dots and some seconds as the other man typed before another message appeared.

'Never mind. I understand it well. Let me tell you a good night secret. Back in the day, it was so scary when you asked me if I missed you every time we met. It was as if you knew that I missed you so much but turns out you didn't know. You had no idea about my feelings. Now you don't ask, but maybe it's because you know.'

Hyungwon stared at the words on the screen, thinking about each time that he wrapped his arms around Hoseok's waist from behind and asked him whether he missed him, jokingly and hoping to hear a yes even though he had been convinced that it didn't mean all that much.

_Even though it did. Now you know how much it means, but each confirmation makes it more real._

'Maybe it's because I know that as soon as you say that you do, I will know once more that we feel the same.'

Hoseok typed before deleting it all a few times until finally a reply appeared on his screen. 'I don't know what you feel, the only thing that I know is that I'd rather wrap my arms around you even though I've avoided that position for over 15 years.'

_All this time he was trying not to be reminded of it and to avoid you, only to come right back to this._

Hyungwon chewed on his bottom lip, realizing once again that silence wasn't changing anything about the way he felt or the fact that he was staring at his phone instead of sleeping, simply because he wanted to be next to another person instead of on his own.

'I miss you and I wish you were here,' he wrote and sent it off, followed by another message. 'That is how I feel.'

'There's a lot going on inside my head, but despite all that, I miss you and I regret not coming with you even though I might have taken away your sleeping time and would have to sleep less to come back on time. Funny how it suddenly seems worth it. But now, please try to sleep.' A few seconds passed before Hoseok sent another one. 'I would probably kiss the shell of your ear right now because I love how it curls and I know that you like it when I do. Good night, Hyungwon.'

He closed his eyes for a few seconds and swallowed to fight the sudden influx of emotions and the tugging at his chest. His right hand travelled to his neck and along his jugular before he traced the shell of his ear and sighed, wondering what he was even doing.

'I wish you would. Goodnight, Hoseok,' he wrote after opening his eyes again and placed his phone on the bedside table, resisting the urge to check whether Hoseok would write anything else.

Hyungwon turned to lie on his bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering what it looked like for Hoseok. Both of them were lying in their respective beds, wishing that they were next to each other instead.

_In different situations instead._

He was wrapped up in his own situation like a blanket, struggling to write to his boyfriend and Hoseok must have been lying next to somebody else and still writing to him, telling him that he missed him. Despite all that, Hyungwon couldn't help but selfishly wish for one single thing.

To make Hoseok his in more ways than one.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 9

"So, when is your boyfriend visiting again?" Areum giggled and rolled herself into a blanket burrito while he placed a kiss on Riku's forehead and tried to cover the short legs that attempted to kick away the blanket because apparently it was a fun thing to do.

"Why do you keep saying that he's my boyfriend? You know that he has a boyfriend, he might be uncomfortable about you saying that," Hoseok remarked and decided not to comment on the fact that he was married because his daughter was obviously aware.

"But I don't like him and Hyungwon likes you more, I can see it! He should visit and tell me that he doesn't like it, then I will stop."

"But what if I tell you that I don't like it?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Then you have to prove to me that it's not true. I hope that you're not saying this because you don't like gay people, because then you're homophobic and that's terrible." Areum shook her head at him. "And you're like this after he licked over your ear. This is betrayal."

Hoseok sighed and massaged his temples, hoping that Riku didn't listen to their conversation. "Listen, Hyungwon is in a relationship with Elias and I am married to your mom. He is not my boyfriend."

"I thought you and mom are friends," Areum commented, rolling herself out of the blanket burrito and climbing on his lap to see his face better. "That's why I said that. And you and Hyungwon don't seem like friends."

_That escalated._

Alone, the fact that his child thought that Yura and him were just friends was strange, but then again, considering that they rarely spent time together as a family must've created the impression that they weren't romantically involved.

"I really like your mom," he murmured. "We both just work a lot, so, to enable her and me to have time on our own, we share our time with you and do other things when we don't. When we met, it had been the way we wanted things to be because… I mean you know that I always work, especially back then when I flew in the helicopter, remember? So, I can't give your mom a lot of time and the time that I do have, we spend together, you, Riku and I. That's why when she is tired from the week she goes out with friends on weekends while I'm with you. It doesn't mean that we don't like each other, we do, but it's simply our way of doing things."

Areum stared at him for a few moments before stating that she wanted Hyungwon to visit no matter what and jumped from his lap to return to her bed.

_Did she get it?_

Hoseok wasn't sure about that but the way his daughter avoided saying anything meant that it made her uncomfortable. He just didn't know why.

"I'll ask him," he whispered and placed a kiss on the girl's cheek before turning off the lights and leaving the room. Inhaling deeply and preparing himself for a talk he couldn't guess the outcome of, Hoseok opened the door and entered the bedroom.

Yura was still working on her laptop, lying on the bed, dressed in a black lace nightgown and ready to go to sleep in a bit.

_You know why she's wearing it._

He knew, but still his mouth parted and he tried to make it sound as normal as possible even though there was nothing usual about what he was asking. "I want to stay over at Hyungwon's place today, but I will be back before the kids wake up." Hoseok went to the wardrobe and picked a dark blue sweatshirt and black chinos and changed into them, noticed the typing stopped and was replaced by complete silence.

_Will she ask?_

Yura knew situations like these but he had kept them away from his weekends, so he was wondering if he had the right to ask. Was it okay to pull his wife out of her routine, even though it wasn't a big difference?

_But what if it makes a difference for her whether you sleep next to her or somewhere else? And she's wearing the gown._

The silence felt uncomfortable. Was this what making a mistake felt like? When you broke something but couldn't see, couldn't hear it because the only consequence was silence.

_But there's no alternative._

Hoseok inhaled and turned around, meeting those dark brown eyes and a brief smile that replaced Yura's previous facial expression.

"Hyungwon? Really? But if you want to, sure. I mean, we agreed to let each other be happy and satisfied, so if you two… want to go out, sure. But please come back before nine because I agreed to meet a friend tomorrow for breakfast." His wife watched as he got dressed before returning her gaze to her laptop.

"It's okay with you?" he asked again, closing the button of his chinos and pulling up the zipper.

"Why are you asking? You think I shouldn't be okay?" Yura lifted her gaze from the screen and looked at him, but he didn't know. They agreed not to burden each other with things that don't concern their relationship or kids, so was he supposed to be selfish and tell his wife that he would be sleeping somewhere else and be close to somebody else? What would that change? Would he stop wanting to go? Bullshit. Would he know what his feelings for Hyungwon meant? He wouldn't either. It wouldn't change anything.

"I'm not sure, but you can always ask and talk to me if you're not," he replied, walking towards the door. "I'm confused about a lot of things recently, but let's see." Smiling briefly, he watched his wife murmuring that he shouldn't worry too much and return to her case as he left the bedroom and walked down the stairs, ready to leave the house for the night, for the first time on a weekend.

_To leave it because it doesn't harbor the person you want to be with right now._

_

It felt different than he thought it would. Standing in front of the apartment, Hoseok didn't feel much of the confusion or the ambivalence that his nightly visit should have entailed. Instead he was looking forward to seeing Hyungwon, to hear about his day and what the late evening had for them.

_Should you be feeling bad?_

He didn't know, but he knew that he didn't feel bad at all when he rang the bell and waited for the door to open.

It didn't take long and a smile instantly appeared on Hyungwon's plump mouth when the big eyes fell on him. The other man was dressed casually in loose t-shirt and sweatpants, but the fabric was thin enough to hint at his long legs and slim waist underneath it.

"I'm glad that you came," Hyungwon remarked quietly and let him in while leaning against the closed door and observing him as he took off his shoes. "I realized this morning that it's Saturday, so it's not a given that you have time for me."

"I had a very eventful day," he replied and lifted his hand to fix his hair even though there was nothing to fix. It must've been nervousness. "How was yours? Did you work the whole shift or did you… have time to go on a date this afternoon?"

"I worked the complete shift," Hyungwon replied, but seemed a bit uncomfortable as he fumbled with his hands and made his way towards the kitchen. When the other man was halfway there, he suddenly turned around and sighed. "I don't really drink, but one might really think I should with the level of awkwardness in the air. Come here."

Sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, Hyungwon lifted his arms in invitation.

"Awesome how two grown men can act around each other, impressive," Hoseok commented and walked the few steps before curling both arms around Hyungwon's waist and pulling him into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry for asking. It's not my business."

"It's fine. To be honest, I was feeling bad because I could have gone, but decided not to." Arms wrapped around his neck and he felt Hyungwon's hot breath against his ear. "I missed you, also professionally. We had an emergency in which you could have saved my ass."

"I'm sorry that you feel bad, I… I don't feel bad. Maybe you're the better person, I don't know. But concerning work, I'll be back Sunday night. I took the night shift, because I saw that you had one." He chuckled because it felt so natural to be honest with each other even though he had such a problem with it when they first met a few weeks ago.

_Maybe you felt that it would get dangerous._

"You probably rocked it without me, you're an amazing specialist, but I guess that you're tired, right?" He let his hands travel up and massaged Hyungwon's broad shoulders. "I can give you a massage, if you like."

"I'm feeling much less tired now that you are here," Hyungwon murmured before smiling softly and slipping his long fingers into his hair. "I'm not the better person though, I merely tend to feel guilty, be it about being too busy for sex or possibly hurting somebody with my actions. It's complicated, but it still doesn't change the fact that I wanted you here."

Sighing, the other man let go of him and finally made his way to the kitchen where he took out two cups and put a teabag into each before turning on the kettle.

"It's not coffee or alcohol, but it's warm and relaxing, so maybe we can share it before I end up wrapping around you and forgetting myself."

Hoseok nodded and observed the person next to him prepare the tea silently before briefly telling him about the emergency, how close it was and that he wished they had more doctors to share shifts. Hoseok listened and agreed because he knew that one ended up thinking about work even though it was over and the adrenaline must've left a mark, invisible from the outside, but there nevertheless.

_Maybe he leaves marks just like that on your skin, just that they don't fade and accumulate instead._

When Hyungwon poured the boiling water into both cups, he met the big eyes and thought that it was a good time to make sure Hyungwon knew about his intentions. "I'm sure that you know, but I wanted to tell you explicitly that I don't expect anything from you. I'm glad that you wanted me here and I'm excited about it, but I'm not anticipating anything."

"I know," Hyungwon replied and smiled briefly before handing him his cup and moving to the living room where he settled on the couch. The other man didn't wait for him to sit down and patted the space next to him in invitation instead. The big eyes seemed more serious when their gazes met again. "If you had expectations, you wouldn't have been holding back all this time. It seems like I'm the one with expectations, wanting to have more and more of you."

"It's not an expectation, it's a desire. I never said that I don't feel any desire. It would be a blatant lie." He sat on the soft couch and placed his cup on the table after inhaling the scent of tea. He liked how relaxed Hyungwon looked despite the serious expression and even that was okay because the implications seemed more serious than they both thought.

_But maybe you're the one who thinks that it's more serious. You need to ask._

"I meant it more like… I don't expect you to be close to me, but do I want to touch you? Of course, I do. I don't expect you to write to me, or to invite me over, but I'm excited when you do. I'm currently trying to understand the qualities of whatever… this is. I was thinking about the past too, but it's so bizarre that I had to laugh, remembering how shy I was, how bitter because you couldn't see what I thought and very stupid for explaining it to myself in a way that made absolutely no sense."

Hyungwon hummed and shifted closer on the couch, letting their thighs touch and resting his head close to his shoulder but still on the backrest.

"I don't think it has anything to do with the past anymore. Maybe it did at first, returning memories and associations, bringing back the fact that I was so hurt by you ending our friendship just like that. But this has nothing to do with back then." Chewing on his cheek, the other man attempted to reach for his tea, but decided against it as he slipped his head lower to settle on top of Hoseok's shoulder. "We’ve both changed and this is about the people we are now. Somehow we fulfil each other's expectations while trying not to have any."

Hoseok enjoyed the way it felt, so he put his arm under Hyungwon's head and curled it around the broad shoulders. "I didn't even know that I had any. My only expectation was work when I came here, I wanted to start anew in a different city and got the opportunity. But then I met you and it triggered the memory that there was no closure back then and reminded me of the many things in my life that were influenced by that fact. So, for me, the past does matter, but it's not connected to the person that you are now. Apart from maybe the selfish thought that I should be honest with you. I guess it's because I think that I owe you at least that after depriving you of closure."

"Maybe you're right and it's wrong to say that the past doesn't matter," Hyungwon remarked and lifted his head in order to look at him, examining his face intently. "Knowing you back then helps me to better understand the person you are today, in all of your wonderful complexity. It feels like you have the same understanding, not only of my work or my struggles but also what impacted me back then because you were the closest person to me. To be honest-"

The other man sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and turned before climbing on top of his lap and wrapping his arms around his neck. His lean thighs were arranged on each side of his own, pulling together and applying pressure.

"To be honest, you seem to be the closest person to me now too and that is what I struggle to understand."

Hoseok looked up, arms instinctively wrapping around the slim waist because it made him feel safe as they were holding onto each other. The words were so emotional but at the same time… fitting. It wasn't the time to think about whether it made sense and how it affected their current situation.

Licking over his mouth and chewing on it for a few seconds, he inhaled deeply and nodded.

"When I met you again and realized that it was you, I felt scared. Scared because I know that I changed, I am sure of that, and I'm sure that you changed. There are only a few things… a few motions, or gestures, or your smile that remained the same, but the rest - you're a different person, and just like that, meeting you after over 15 years, I still… I still liked you. The person that you are now. Isn't it scary?"

Hyungwon listened before slowly shaking his head and connecting their foreheads as he inhaled and seemed to enjoy the contact.

"There's nothing scary about liking somebody. There had to be something that we shared back then, that connected us somehow. Of course, that something can disappear, but is it really scary when it doesn't? Liking somebody isn't the scary bit to me, it's the fact that I cannot tell if I'm breaking something with my actions." A smile appeared on the handsome face, hesitant as if to ease the previous words. Lips briefly touched his, as Hyungwon tickled his skin with each exhale because of how close they were. "We talked about this before, but I like you even more now, Hoseok."

"Mhm. I also like you more now. I meant it. But it's strange, you know? I tried to explain it to myself, but in the end, there is no proper explanation apart from the fact that I want to be next to you and there's no substitute."

"Then be next to me," Hyungwon whispered and kissed him again, fingers playing with his hair and slim body moving closer on his lap. "Explaining won't change anything."

"It won't. It won't change anything because in the end I will have an explanation and still want you." He leaned in, exhaling against Hyungwon's lips and letting his eyes flutter shut from the adrenaline that he felt only because they were close, because they talked, because he knew that Hyungwon felt it too. "I want you," he whispered and kissed the plump mouth, chest burning because it felt so good.

The fingers in his hair tightened along with the thighs around his own. Hyungwon hummed into the kiss and licked over his bottom lip before covering his jaw in brief touches of his lips.

"I want you too," the low voice breathed out before connecting their mouths again and pulling him as close as possible.

Hoseok didn't say anything because the confirmation was enough, it was enough to know that they felt the same without calling it by name, without long talks about expectations and boundaries. It was there and he could feel it with every cell of his body.

He licked into Hyungwon's mouth and slipped both hands under the loose shirt, roaming the other man's warm back, lightly scratching and using the grip to pull him closer, to have him tight against his chest, taste him and remember all the thoughts he had at home, waiting for the evening to come.

The other man didn't need to tell him that he had been just as impatient to be close. Hoseok could tell from the tugs at his hair and the gasps that were caught by their lips. Hyungwon was demanding in his motions, pulling rougher when his fingers brushed over spots that the other man enjoyed and he remembered them, reminding himself to caress them with his lips and teeth if he had the opportunity. His breaths came quicker and he wanted to feel more, catch every exhale that left the plump mouth, loving how frequent they were and the sound that mixed into them, Hoseok wanted to feel it all.

Leaning in, he kissed along Hyungwon's neck before arriving at his shoulders and nibbling on the soft skin as his hands continued roaming his back and he inhaled the scent of the other man's shower gel.

_He must've showered after work._

"I still want to taste you, if you’ll let me," he muttered into the crook of Hyungwon's neck.

"I want you to," he heard close to his ear, followed by another tug on his hair that encouraged him to close his lips around a patch of golden skin and to suck intently. The soft moan that left Hyungwon's throat was a blessing.

Thankfully, the couch was long and broad enough to accommodate Hyungwon, who he placed on his back and him on top of the other man. His lips sucked on the exposed skin as he lifted the white shirt to place kisses on Hyungwon's lean stomach.

_He is so attractive._

"Tell me how you like it," he said, looking up as he pulled the sweatpants down the other man's hips slowly and watched him.

"I like to lead," Hyungwon gasped and let his right-hand travel over his arm and shoulder until it settled in his hair, gripping a few strands and pulling just enough to show him what he meant. "At least at first."

_He can fuel your arousal by the grip on your hair._

He couldn't hide a hiss followed by a smile as he glanced up and chewed on his lips. "I like it," he commented and used his hands to caress Hyungwon's hip-bones and hook a finger under the black underwear the other man was wearing, just enough to slowly pull it down.

He was rewarded by another tug on his hair as a rough exhale left Hyungwon's lips and he spread his legs a little as soon as he was able to.

"I like how you react," the low voice murmured as the fingers in his hair tightened and led him to the prominent hip bones, encouraging him to use his lips.

Hoseok would've lied if he said that he didn't like the way Hyungwon pulled on his hair and showed him what he liked. He felt it with his whole body, skin burning and mouth immediately closing around one of the other man's pretty hip bones. Not only did Hoseok love how the other man acted about his preferences, he also loved his scent and couldn't get enough of it, inhaling deeply and fueling his own desire to have a taste.

When the tugs got lighter, he travelled further down to Hyungwon's shaved groin that he covered with kisses and tender bites.

The other man was enjoying the attention, gasping once in a while and flexing the muscles of his thighs. When he had nibbled on the skin close to the base of Hyungwon's erection, the tugs intensified again and led him closer to where it felt particularly good.

"You- only need to keep it wet without worrying about being messy," Hyungwon murmured and pulled at his hair with more vigor, evoking a moan from Hoseok's lips that no doubt had been the goal.

"It's been a long time but… I can remember. At least I hope that you liked it back then, feel free to show me what you like now," he whispered and licked all the way from Hyungwon's base to the tip of his erection. He loved how it tasted and the low hiss that blessed his ears when he dug his tongue into the slit, finally closing his lips around the length, sucking on it.

_It has really been a long time, but it feels so good._

"You're doing great," the other man breathed out, voice less stable than a moment ago which encouraged him to apply a little more suction. Hyungwon's hands tightened in his hair and pushed just enough to have him cover the whole head with his lips as a gorgeous moan left the other man's throat. "Fuck, just like that. Use your tongue."

He couldn't get enough of Hyungwon's pulls and moans, how gorgeously demanding the other man was and he even thought about not complying to get more of it.

Inhaling through his nose, he took more and let the warm length fill out his mouth and hit the back of his throat once before he moved back to get more air. His own arousal burned between his legs with every motion of Hyungwon's hips and the tugs on his hair. It felt so good that he hummed around the pulsating erection.

"Again," Hyungwon moaned and applied pressure as his thighs flexed immediately. Blush had begun to cover the other man's cheeks and he twitched between his lips in anticipation.

Hoseok hummed and sunk down again, this time until his eyes turned wet and his lips reached the base. He tried swallowing and moved up again, suppressing a cough. His hands wrapped around Hyungwon's hips, nails scratching lightly.

A tremble passed through the other man's body and he moaned loudly, fingers involuntarily tightening in his hair until Hyungwon must have realized and loosened the grip.

"Shit," the low voice hissed before Hyungwon sucked in big gulps of air. "This feels amazing. I love your lips, Hoseok."

Letting go for a second, he teased the other man's slit with the tip of his tongue before looking up. "Pull it," he whispered, "I want to feel your nails in my shoulders."

The way Hyungwon's gaze darkened was breathtaking and just like he wanted, those long fingers tugged at his hair, followed by nails that scratched over his skin and invited him to be closer.

"I love marking you," the other man whispered.

"And I love it when you mark me," Hoseok breathed out and took Hyungwon back into his mouth, sucking intently and moaning around the firm length when he felt Hyungwon's nails in his shoulders.

_When he wraps his legs around your neck now, you'll have everything you've ever wanted._

As if reading his mind, Hyungwon's moans got louder and the other man spread his legs wide to give him more access. A lean calf lifted into the air and landed on top of his shoulder, pulling him closer with each additional suck. The control with which long fingers had led him slipped away with every passing second, making room for loud moans, gasps of his name, praise and thighs that tightened around him.

"I'm close," the low voice murmured right before the grip on his hair got rougher and Hyungwon applied pressure to have him take more of the twitching length, just in time for the other man's release.

Hoseok moaned and swallowed around the tip that hit his throat, fingers digging into Hyungwon's hips before he moved back against the other man's grip to inhale deeply, panting, but unable to look away from the gorgeous, lean body.

"How can everything else not be bland, if you're like this," he murmured.

Hyungwon didn't reply, merely breathing heavily as he watched him with half-lidded eyes and recovered from post orgasmic bliss.

"Come here and kiss me," the plump lips whispered eventually as Hyungwon's fingers dropped from his hair to his shoulders and pulled.

He reached for Hyungwon's knees and let his hands travel up his lean thighs before crawling on top of the other man and licking his lips. He could still taste Hyungwon's release when he placed both arms on each side of the other man's head and sunk on top of him, exhaling briefly before connecting their lips.

He could feel Hyungwon relax into the touch as warm hands travelled over his shoulders and stroked over his hair. Long fingers drew patterns right below his ear before arms wrapped tightly around his neck, followed by Hyungwon's legs that curled around his hips.

"Stay."

"I will if you let me," he breathed against Hyungwon's plump lips. Being close, doing something he had dreamed about, should've changed something about the way he felt, shouldn't it? But instead of knowing more, it seemed as if he was more confused, knowing less about what all of it meant. His head was occupied with Hyungwon's scent, how close he felt to the man who lay under him, wrapped around him and asked him to stay.

"I lied," he whispered, leaning back and meeting the dark gaze. "I lied about not having any expectations. You asked me to stay but I wanted to stay and expected to be able to hold you during those five minutes in the morning."

"And I expected you to stay without me having to tell you." Hyungwon smiled and kissed him again, big eyes fluttering shut and looking so peaceful. One might have thought the other man didn't need anything else.

He kissed the plump lips again before sitting up and helping Hyungwon into his clothes, handing the other man the cup of tea that got cold. "You're delicious," he murmured, before taking a sip of his own tea and carefully pulling Hyungwon into his embrace.

The other man only hummed as he leaned in and placed a kiss against his neck, followed by another on his collarbone which Hyungwon revealed by pulling down his shirt.

"How sensitive are you?" the low voice murmured against his skin as fingers slipped under his shirt and brushed over his nipples. "Did you explore your body?"

"Well, let's say you only need to know that I work most of the time and I haven’t had sex in the spooning position since that one time, but yes, I'm sensitive. Especially my nipples," he commented after a hiss and put his cup back in case Hyungwon thought about testing it out.

"I don't only mean those," Hyungwon whispered with a smile before lifting up his shirt and disappearing below it, plump lips sucking on his skin and hot tongue licking a path towards his nipples.

_Does he mean the way he touched himself back then?_

"Ah… no, I never felt the need to. Should I?" Hoseok chewed on his lips, releasing shaky gasps.

"It can be nice to find ways to increase your pleasure, but of course it's a choice like everything else." Hyungwon spoke while exhaling against his sensitive chest and rubbing his tongue over his nipples. When the other man decided that he’d teased him enough, lips closed around the right bud and sucked intently as a warm hand opened the button and zipper of his pants. "You could tell me what you like or I'm going to explore and find out."

"You will be surprised," Hoseok whispered and rubbed his head against the backrest of the soft couch, one mouth corner lifting up as he glanced down and met the other man's gaze. "Because I like you."

Hyungwon paused in his ministrations and held the eye contact, expression difficult to read until it transformed into a smile.

"I like you too," the other man whispered before closing his lips around his nipple again and using his right hand to stroke along the outline of his still prominent erection. Hoseok could tell that Hyungwon was exploring, slowing down every touch to see his reaction to it. When he hissed because of pressure against his tip, Hyungwon's long fingers repeated the motion and intensified it. At the same time the other man let his left-hand travel over his chest, leaving fine lines that he licked and sucked on right after.

He really liked the sensations and something told him to not just straight out tell the other man that he liked his demanding behavior and his nails in his thighs, hoping to find out what else he might like. “Do you like being close to me despite how rusty my knowledge of what you like and might enjoy is?”

"Again, you are selling yourself short," Hyungwon murmured and bit into his pec, soothing the spot with his tongue right after. "Can't you tell how much I enjoy this? I want to taste every inch of you, Hoseok."

_And you want to taste every bit of him._

True to his words, the other man began to lick his way from his chest to his navel, nibbling on the skin in between and using his left hand to create red lines. At the same time pleasure continued to intensify between his legs as Hyungwon stroked his length and slipped his underwear down his hips.

"I want you naked," the other man remarked eventually and slipped both his pants and underwear off completely, followed by his socks and his shirt last. "You're gorgeous."

Hyungwon's smile was bright as he examined him intently, gaze travelling over his chest and the lines that remained, to his length that he caressed with his index finger only.

"Let me show you all the things my hands can do, Hoseok."

It felt strange to be naked when Hyungwon was dressed, especially because it was so unambiguously sexual and because he felt a bit vulnerable, not holding back any of his reactions.

_You must be so into him to be doing this._

His wife's black nightgown briefly appeared in his mind, before he focused on the black-hair that covered Hyungwon's forehead as he observed him and his reactions, laying there completely naked.

Licking his lips, Hoseok spread his legs a little and leaned against the soft backrest of the couch. "Do it," he whispered.

A smile appeared on Hyungwon's lips, probably a reaction to the deja vu that the words created. Even though the other man had praised his hands, he began with his lips by placing a few kisses from his chest to his navel, tasting the skin and observing the spreading goosebumps.

"You're breathtaking," Hyungwon whispered as he dipped his tongue into his navel and roamed over his thighs and hips with his big hands. They felt burning hot on his skin and Hoseok couldn't tell how much of that was the actual temperature and how much his arousal.

When the sounds that left his lips developed to hisses, Hyungwon let his nails run over his thighs, sucking on the sensitive skin below his hip bone at the same time.

He rubbed his hair against the backrest and enjoyed the slight burn but kept his hands to himself to create a higher intensity.

At first it wasn't difficult to keep track of those long fingers and what they were doing to him, creating lines that caused goosebumps to spread. But when Hyungwon wrapped his right hand around his length and used the left to mark his skin, play with his inner thighs and massage his balls, focusing became much more difficult.

A single glance was enough to know that the other man enjoyed every second, playing with his body and pulling moans and hisses from his lips like a melody he was composing. Hyungwon's hand applied pressure between his legs in a way he wasn't familiar with and added a spark of pleasure and subsequent arousal to his thoughts, making him groan.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" the other man whispered and licked over the tip of his erection before using his thumb to play with the slit.

His hips jerked and his body tried to feel more of it, basking in the pleasure and the even more important detail that those hands and lips belonged to Hyungwon.

"Mhm," he hummed, "I want you." He focused on the big brown eyes and chewed on his lips because he felt so much.

"Close your eyes and focus on the feeling," Hyungwon whispered with a smile and slipped between his legs before covering his inner thighs with kisses and lifting them up a little bit, just enough to lick along his base and suck on the skin of his balls while still stroking his length and playing with the tip. "I want to make you mine again."

"But what if I want to see you?" he asked and lifted his hand, reaching out for Hyungwon's shoulder and stroking along it towards the other man's neck. The heat in his cheeks must've been visible as he glanced between his legs and reacted with a twitch.

"Then watch," Hyungwon replied, meeting his gaze before licking lower and applying more pressure with his hand at the same time. The resulting change in the other man's eyes told him that he liked the way he reacted, breath hitched and muscles contracted. "To be honest, it turns me on that you react that way to the fact that it's me touching you."

"I think we're both past the age where it didn't matter who was touching you, as long as someone did. I keep…" He inhaled sharply, interrupting his sentence in the middle before rolling his eyes and collecting his wits to finish. "I keep wanting more of you and even after you give it to me, I still want more. I know I should be satisfied, but I'm not."

"I-" Hyungwon glanced up from between his legs, licking over his lips briefly but not pausing the motions of his hands. "I don't think this is a need that can be satisfied, Hoseok."

The eye contact remained for a few more seconds before the same combination of pleasure returned and stole his breath away, transforming it into a loud moan that motivated Hyungwon to repeat whatever he did with his tongue and hands.

_You have to learn what he likes so you can do all of it._

It was hard to talk when his body was being played by Hyungwon's hands and lips like an instrument, but he thought it was important so he tried his best to answer, eyes focused on the handsome face between his legs.

"That's some complicated news. Not that I expected this to be easy," he whispered. "But right now, I'm thinking how I had over fifteen years to catch up on experience but I went to medical school and worked instead. But then again, you did the same and here you are blowing my mind."

"It's not about experience, Hoseok," Hyungwon murmured without looking up this time, but the pleasure that centered in his groin told a different story. "Because experience isn't what makes me want you and I know that it's not the reason you want me either."

_You're sending the wrong signals, aren't you?_

Staring between his legs and suppressing a moan because he was chewing on his lips, Hoseok leaned down and wrapped his hands around Hyungwon, lifting him before the confused looking man was standing and Hoseok pulled the lean body on top of his lap.

"I'm a bit self-conscious, but it's not about that at all. It's not, and you know it, right? I don't expect you to touch me and I'm not here so you will, I don't know anything much apart from the fact that I want to be here with you more than anything."

Hyungwon's eyes were dark as he observed him and carefully wrapped his arms around his neck, body contact feeling different and less sexual than a moment ago.

"I know," the other man whispered and leaned in to kiss him. "That's why you say that it's scary to you, isn't it? Sex would be easier."

_It probably would._

"Because it's something that can be sated. There's a need and there is the satisfaction of the need, but with you there isn't. Every satisfaction comes along with a deeper need." Right as he spoke, he could feel how true the words were, how much he felt like kissing the thick lips that were pleasing him just a second ago. He let his lips taste the delicious mouth, Hyungwon's warm skin as he couldn't help but wish that the other man was naked too so that he could feel more of him.

"There is a way to satisfy it," Hyungwon whispered, but didn't disconnect their lips, sharing the words between them. "Having me next to you."

As if there was too much meaning in what he said, the other man tightened his arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, preventing him from replying.

_Is he scared that he said it or scared of what you might reply?_

Hoseok didn't know what he might have replied to that. He wanted to have Hyungwon close but was that possible? What did that entail? Could the feeling really be sated?

Instead of finding an answer to all those questions, Hoseok wrapped his arms tight around the lean thighs and stood up, naked as he was, before walking into the spacious bedroom. They still needed to brush their teeth, but he didn't like the feeling of leather against his skin and preferred the bed that was somehow familiar.

"I missed you today," he whispered instead, sitting on the bed with Hyungwon on top of his lap after carrying him all the way.

"I missed you too." Hyungwon sighed and rested his forehead against his before chewing on his cheek and smiling a little. "Want to know another truth?"

_Do you?_

"Yes," he replied genuinely and leaned in to place a kiss on the other man's parted lips.

"Well-" The smile remained but showed a hint of insecurity as Hyungwon brushed through his hair and kissed him for a little longer. "I wanted to sleep with you, but then there was this stupid thought in my head. What am I going to do if you just disappear again? I'd- rather bear it then."

_You left quite an impression._

"I'm sorry. You don't have to sleep with me and I won't disappear either. How am I supposed to, if everything else is bland? But then again… I'm so incredibly good at running away from what I love, so maybe you're right not trusting me with this." Hoseok smiled briefly, thinking about how he ran away from Hyungwon when he was still young, but also how he ran away from Bern, from his job that he had loved more than anything else. "I'm still sorry for hurting you."

"I forgave you." The smile was still there, but the way it changed a little showed him that it had become more genuine now. Hyungwon caressed his nape and let his fingers sink into his hair. "I just wanted to tell you my worries so you could embrace me and reassure me that it's not true. I'm sorry for being that selfish, but I still want you to."

"I think it would be different if it wasn't you, if you weren't so genuine with me, if I didn't know you as a pink-haired boy who always made me so fucking jealous, but I do and you are and I want to hold you and tell you that I won't disappear. I know how it feels and somehow, I don't want to go through it again. I'm also selfish like that." Smiling, Hoseok wrapped one arm around Hyungwon's waist and lifted the other towards the other man's face, stroking over his cheek and brushing a black lock behind his curled ear. Their interactions felt so emotional, filled with things he didn't know, didn't have in his previous relationships, but also didn't miss.

_But now you know the feeling and you want more._

He knew that one didn't have to miss anything. It was a sudden meeting, an encounter that made him want more, know more, until it was too late to go back to the bland reality and he was stuck in the world that Hyungwon showed him, invited him to.

Looking up at the big eyes, he caught himself thinking that he stopped associating them with his best friend he knew from back then.

_It's not the reason you're here._

It was the reality, the present that he didn't want to leave.

***

The room was perfectly silent, but nevertheless Hyungwon's eyes opened all by themselves, attempting to get used to the darkness.

He didn't need to look at his watch to know that it was close to six in the morning, the time his body considered appropriate for getting up.

_But you're not alone this time._

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he leaned back and pressed his naked body against the equally naked chest, radiating off warmth and relaxing him in a matter of seconds. It felt right and even though it was way too early to get up on a Sunday, Hyungwon reached behind and wrapped Hoseok's muscular arms around himself. He didn't want to wake the other man up, but at the same time he wanted to feel closer, to be enveloped by the familiar scent and forget that Hoseok probably had somewhere else to be.

_You forgot about your situations so well yesterday, but now you have to remember again._

They both knew that there was no point in trying to understand what was happening between them. It was what it was and Hyungwon doubted that his desire to have Hoseok for himself was going to change with additional understanding of what it was that being next to the other man gave him.

_You already know that it gives you something that you need, isn't that enough?_

It sounded simple, but in practice it wasn't. Hyungwon had those arms around him now, but they weren't going to stay. At the same time, he was able to have the other man next to him at work, constantly, but still it felt like it wasn't enough. Was there ever going to be an 'enough' or did he trick himself into believing that? Did he lie to Hoseok when he told him that the solution was being close to each other?

_You have no guarantee, but even if it's not a solution, it's what you want._

"I want to have you," he whispered out loud, mostly to himself because the man in his bed must still be asleep. Saying it out loud made it more real and at the same time sound so much more selfish. But it was the truth.

"All of you," he added and turned to place a kiss to Hoseok's soft and warm cheek. The other man's eyes were closed, but the curved mouth spread in a smile.

_He's awake?_

"Then come here," the low voice replied as Hoseok's muscular arms tightened around him.

His eyes widened in surprise, but at the same time he couldn't help a soft exhale at the pressure around his waist and how close the other man was.

"How come you're awake? It's probably around six," he murmured and reached back to sink his fingers into Hoseok's hair. It felt good, like he had a grip on the situation and the fact that Hoseok wasn't going to stay. Of course, it was bullshit, but the calming effect stayed.

"Six? That's late. Usually I wake up around five, but you must've made me feel so cozy that I slept longer. I need to be home by eight, so I still have some time." Hoseok's voice sounded like honey, accompanied by the other man's warm body that snuggled against him and the burning lips against his shoulder. "Do you have any plans that would force me to let go of you now?"

Hyungwon shook his head and smiled. The way the other man talked and acted around him felt perfect, like his image of closeness and affection, the way he had pictured having somebody who cared about him.

_You thought you couldn’t have both, closeness and work, but then why does this feel so close to what you always wanted?_

He exhaled slowly and tugged at Hoseok's hair to lead the other man's lips towards his neck. As soon as he felt them against his skin, a tremble passed through him, making him feel so much at once even though it was just lips and arms around him, warmth the way he liked it.

_He said he has to leave, but still it feels perfect to you._

"Why do you need to leave?" he whispered and intertwined their legs, gasping at the way Hoseok's groin felt against his behind. It reminded him of how much he had actually wanted the other man, wanted to feel him inside of him.

_But you were scared that he might react the same way, even though he's a different person._

"I promised to be there so Yura can go to meet someone," Hoseok murmured, moving his hips, until his length fit perfectly between his but cheeks.

_His responsibilities call him, but you're holding on tight._

He couldn't help a hiss, liking the sensation too much to do nothing.

"Areum asked for you again. She must like you a lot." Hoseok chuckled right after and shut himself up by sucking on a patch of skin on his shoulder. A tremble passed through his body in response and his desire to act only intensified.

"I- like her too. She's lovely," he murmured and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth as he purposefully pushed his hips back and flexed his butt to hug Hoseok's length. His thoughts were far from the other man's daughter and mostly focused on ways to keep the proximity for as long as possible, forever if only he could manage.

"Mhm… you are so good at taking my thoughts and carrying them somewhere else entirely," the low voice gasped. Hoseok's hands roamed his body, starting with his stomach and sliding over his hip bones to his thighs.

_You want him._

The switch was sudden. It transformed from the desperate need to keep the other man next to him for as long as possible to the desire to feel every inch of him. Hyungwon wanted something he could remember and smile over each time he shifted.

Chewing on his bottom lip, he reached behind himself and stroked over Hoseok's hips and thigh before slipping between their bodies and wrapping around the other man's length. Just when his fingers tightened around the base and rubbed the tip between his butt cheeks, he recognized the feeling of deja vu.

_That's what you did back then too, shaking because you wanted him so much but felt too nervous to talk._

"Hyungwon, don't do this to me, I'm desperate," Hoseok breathed into his ear before moaning attractively and moving in his grip. "I don't want to go anywhere."

"Then don't," he whispered even though it was irresponsible. Hoseok couldn't just decide not to go anywhere, Hyungwon knew that, but he still said it as he kept rubbing the tip of Hoseok's dick over his crack and liking the feeling so much. Too much to stop. "You said you still have some time before you have to leave."

Hoseok hummed in reply, letting him feel the rough exhales against his neck that got quicker with every motion of his hand. "I need about ten minutes to get home. The rest is yours."

_Yours._

Hyungwon shouldn't have attached so much meaning to simple words, but he couldn't help it. Having Hoseok declare his time as something that Hyungwon owned felt thrilling, enough to send adrenaline through his veins and increase his arousal.

"Then you'll be mine," he whispered before turning around and pushing the other man's shoulders flat against the mattress. At the same time, he climbed on top of the muscular thighs and settled down on Hoseok's groin, making sure he felt every inch right where he wanted it. The blanket remained at Hoseok's calves, but he didn't feel cold, not when his body was burning like this and Hoseok's touch only fueled the flame. "Touch me."

The brown hair was messy and Hoseok's cheeks were puffy from the night. Still, the blush that covered them was so incredibly attractive on the pale skin and the black eyes made him want to see them flutter shut from pleasure. The other man's warm palms stroked up his thighs, his hips and sides, stopping on his chest as Hoseok reached for his own mouth, wetting the tip of his index finger and returning it to his chest to play with his nipples. "You're gorgeous, so gorgeous. I like the way you changed. Isn't it strange to meet as different people and still…"

"M-maybe," he replied, stuttering because the cool sensation of the other man's wet fingertip fueled his arousal. "I also like the way you changed. I can watch your muscles flex as I-"

He didn't finish and let his hands run over Hoseok's thighs instead, scratching lightly as he rolled his hips and held his breath to hide that he enjoyed the sensation as much as the other man if not more.

_He's yours but the time is still limited._

Catching his breath, he pulled his thighs closer to Hoseok's and rolled his hips one more time, enjoying the expression of pleasure on the other man's face and the fact that it was so different from back then.

_You're also more honest now._

"I want to ride you, Hoseok."

A low moan followed until the dark gaze met his and the pale hands curled around his hips. "I-" Hoseok started and swallowed, eyes fluttering shut for a second only before focusing on his face again. "I want you, Hyungwon."

The dark gaze that remained fixated on him brought him back to reality, the fact that this was really happening and not merely a daydream in which he made Hoseok his while marking the other man with his fingers. This time Hoseok was really lying in his bed, telling him that he wanted him while they still had the time to be with each other.

"You'll have me," he whispered before leaning in and kissing Hoseok's curved lips. He purposefully deepened the kiss to feel more, to emphasize to himself that he was with Hoseok and had the other man for himself. Maybe it was his attempt to figure out what was different, why being with Hoseok was unique and turned his previous emotional encounters into pointless sex.

_He makes you feel so much._

His left hand played with the muscular chest as his right hand reached for his bedside drawer where he kept condoms and lube. He only broke the kiss to rip open the condom package with his teeth before he returned to sucking on the other man's bottom lip.

Hyungwon lifted his hips just enough to free Hoseok's length and used his right hand to pull the condom over it without looking. He didn't want to stop kissing, so he didn't, merely letting his hands do the work while he focused on the scent in his nose and the warmth of Hoseok's body below him.

He could feel how aroused the other man was, but now that there was not much preventing them from going further, the touches of Hoseok's hands got more delicate, touching his face and neck, even though it wasn't where the pleasure came from. The kisses deepened too and he saw the dark gaze meeting his more than once. When he opened the lube bottle and chewed on his cheek as his hand slid over the thick length and towards his entrance, the other man caught his gaze again.

"I'm not going to disappear," Hoseok murmured.

Hyungwon swallowed, unable to say anything because the words meant so much. There was nothing he could say that would have expressed how grateful he felt for the reassurance, for the gentle touches and attentive eyes. There was nothing that suggested Hoseok wasn't in his right mind or that it was just a thing of the moment, something the other man was going to regret and try to forget the next day.

"And I'm not going to let you," he breathed out finally, admitting that the fault was not only Hoseok's back then.

He held the eye contact as his lips parted in a moan from the sensation of fingers inside of him, preparing to take Hoseok while stimulating him just enough to get breathless and impatient. He used his free hand to roam the muscular chest and draw senseless patterns until nothing but fine lines remained. Hyungwon wanted to see a new expression on Hoseok's face, something that was his to have because of the way he could make the other man feel.

When he felt ready, he wiped his hands on a tissue that he threw aside and poured some more lube into his palm, spreading it over Hoseok's length. He enjoyed the attention as he lifted his hips and lined up, teeth nibbling on his bottom lip because he was excited and a tiny bit nervous. It was ridiculous considering his experience, but this wasn't about sex and they both knew it.

"I want to know how you feel," Hoseok breathed out, chewing on his lips and eyes jumping from his face to his hand that lined up the thick tip with his entrance. "And I want you to have me."

"I will." Hyungwon smiled because it was so different somehow, genuine because both of them said what they thought without worrying about revealing too much. There was nothing left to hide and that fact alone spread goosebumps over his skin. Relaxing to ease the slide, he let his eyes flutter shut for a few seconds before slowly slipping down and moaning at the mixture of fullness and heat.

First the curved lips parted before a moan left the gorgeous mouth and Hoseok's eyes rolled back for a few seconds, followed by a deep inhale. He loved it, so much that he scratched over Hoseok's chest and leaned in to speak his next words against Hoseok's lips. "Because you're mine."

"You're- shit, this feels intense," Hoseok murmured, before moaning as he moved all the way down. Warm hands roamed his thighs and travelled up his arms to his face, cupping it before Hoseok's lips brushed over his in a soft kiss.

Hyungwon kissed back and hummed in agreement. A moan left his lips when he felt Hoseok's thighs against his own and contracted around the other man's length, testing out how good it felt. Somehow the hand cupping his face and the way Hoseok's eyes met his, affected him even more than the pleasure at the center of his body did.

"Because it's you," he whispered against Hoseok's curved mouth as he lifted his hips and pushed them right back down. He paired the motion with a slide of his nails against the firm chest. The reaction was definitely worth it as the man under him rubbed his hair against the pillow accompanied by a combination of breathy moans, gasps and delicate fingers of Hoseok's left hand that pushed into his thigh. Lips still parted, Hoseok looked at him and moved his hips carefully, gaze focused on his face and pleasure visible in the round eyes.

Hyungwon hissed at the sudden spark of pleasure and accidentally left a line that was redder than the others, right next to the nipple. He couldn't think about it much though as his body burned up with the desire to feel the same spark again and he moaned before slamming his hips down.

"You're fucking perfect," he breathed out before repeating the rough motion on top of the other man and building up a rhythm. It felt like a lot but it was still perfect. His hands kept roaming over Hoseok's chest and leaving marks and his thighs flexed each time Hoseok thrust up against his hip roll, intensifying how good it felt. "You make me want to restrict your hands and see you lose it."

"Do it, I want you to do whatever you want," Hoseok breathed out, moving his body under him, eyes black and lips red. "I love it when you take control, I want you to. I am giving it to you because I trust you and I enjoy it because it's you."

_It's different, it's so fucking different._

He nodded before reaching out and easily fitting both of Hoseok's delicate wrists in one hand. It wasn't about strength because he knew that Hoseok could easily free himself if he wanted to. It was about the expression on the other man's face as he tried to keep his hands in place because Hyungwon wanted him to.

Rolling his hips one more time to make both of them moan, he held Hoseok's wrists in place above his head and sped up, hips slamming down and making him dizzy in addition to blessing him with the gorgeous groans that left Hoseok's lips.

"You make me want to have you so much," he murmured before gasping for air, legs trembling from the arousal that kept growing and stealing his breath away. "So, fucking much. All of you, every breath, word, gaze and second of your time."

Hoseok groaned and leaned forward, keeping his wrists under his grip, but attaching the curved lips to his nipple to suck on it. "I'm selfish because I keep saying whatever I think, but I want you too. I want all of you, you make my heart beat faster, you spike my adrenaline and you make me feel alive," the low voice hummed against his chest as Hoseok kept moaning in between the words.

Hyungwon couldn't be sure, but somehow the way both of them expressed their feelings sounded so similar even if the descriptions weren't. Hoseok called it adrenaline even though for Hyungwon it was calmer, like a place to come home to. At the same time both of them wanted the same, namely each other even though there were so many things standing in between.

His breaths got even faster and he loved the sweat drops that began to develop on Hoseok's chest and the way his own skin glistened from the effort, even if he wasn't sweating yet. Being close like this felt overwhelming, like a burning that wasn't satisfied but was only fueled by their kisses and emotional words.

When he felt the other man twitch more frequently, he stopped leaving marks on Hoseok's chest and slipped his hand between his legs instead, stroking himself in time with his motions. The pleasure was almost too intense to keep his eyes opened, forcing him to let them flutter shut in between observing the gorgeous expression on the other man's face and trying to make sense of his emotions.

Hyungwon knew what was between them, why they needed each other so much, but he didn't say it.

"Is there something you would like me to do?" Hoseok's voice sounded through his pleasure that made him a bit dizzy, just like the thick length that moved inside him. "I want you to feel everything."

"Hold my hips and thrust up," he replied without thinking much, breathless from pleasure and the buildup of his orgasm. He was so close and he could tell that Hoseok felt the same, twitching repeatedly and pushing against his grip a little. He loosened it to enable the other man to reach for his hips while using his now free hands to brush over an erect nipple. "You feel amazing inside of me, Hoseok."

"You feel amazing around me," Hoseok whispered in reply, mouth corners dancing in a smile before the other man wrapped his pretty fingers around his hips. Hoseok used his strength to keep him in place and to thrust inside him, rolling him over his erection.

Every word that left Hoseok's lips was emotional, wrapping around him like a spell and not letting him go. How was he even supposed to pretend that the other man wasn't everything that he wanted and more? It was like a missing puzzle piece and his fingers had finally closed around it, holding on but knowing that it already completed a different puzzle.

He moaned, thankful for the pleasure that interrupted his thoughts as he pushed back against Hoseok's thrusts. The buildup was quick and several rough thrusts were enough to throw him over the edge, gasping Hoseok's name as he left deeper marks than intended on the muscular thighs.

The thrusts got lighter, but Hoseok's moans rained down on him until he felt the twitches and pulsating against his rim, accompanied by warm hands around his waist and red parted mouth, whispering his name in disbelief.

Breathing heavily, Hoseok looked at him, eyes travelling over his body first before finally focusing on his face. "See? I'm still here," Hoseok whispered and sat up, cupping his face and kissing his lips as if he needed them as much as air.

Hyungwon would have cursed to work against the wave of emotions that hit him from those words alone, but he didn't and merely kissed back. His hands were shaking because of the sudden desire to cry, but he didn't and wrapped them tighter around Hoseok, holding on with as much strength as he could muster.

He knew that Hoseok still had to leave, but it felt so good to know that it wasn't forever.

_

_Then why does it feel like forever?_

Hyungwon was sitting on his couch with a hot cup of fruit tea and a blanket around his lower half. It wasn't unusual with the exception that he hadn't stayed over at Elias' place this time despite having a free Sunday, but somehow it still felt different.

_Because you feel lonely._

After a shower and a cup of tea that they shared, Hoseok had left to take care of his children and Hyungwon remained in his apartment that was supposed to feel like home. It was supposed to but felt empty instead as soon as the other man left through the front door.

_How did he become such a vital part of your life in a matter of weeks?_

Hoseok was able to fill out the emptiness that Hyungwon felt when he was home alone at night, finished with work but not tired enough to fall asleep immediately. Now it wasn't even night, but still he felt the gaping emptiness all around him, telling him to just go to work to stop feeling like this.

_You'll see him again, but you don't know when._

He wanted to send Hoseok a message, to have a reason to stare at his phone and have something to expect instead of contemplating how much he hated having an empty apartment. Not even the slight throbbing in his backside was able to put a smile on his face, reminding him that it was over and he had to wait until he could have Hoseok's time again.

_He's probably busy, you can't just send him messages all the time._

As soon as the thought formed in his mind, he laughed at his own childishness. There was no reason to hesitate or pretend that he didn't miss Hoseok as much as he did. Both of them were past that stage and Hyungwon had nothing to hide about the way he felt.

Maybe he should have felt guilty about the difference in his behavior, the fact that he had never cared much about affectionate messages but couldn't resist the urge to send them to Hoseok. Was their relationship that different?

_Is that why nothing else can compare?_

Emptying his cup of tea, he pulled out his phone and returned to the conversation that he had with Hoseok. The last time had been when they talked at night instead of sleeping. Even though it was in the middle of the day, the situation felt similar.

'I still feel you but it's not enough,' he typed and sent it off. It was as obvious as it goes and maybe he should have been more careful about the messages he sent the other man, but Hyungwon couldn't get himself to hide anything. There was no reason to hide anything and he didn't want to.

His eyes stared at the display where nothing happened for at least a minute until he groaned and threw his head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling instead.

'I only feel your absence and it drives me crazy.' The words appeared on his screen accompanied by a buzzing.

A smile passed over his lips as soon as he read the message, once again realizing that they felt the same.

'I even thought of going to work to feel less like this, but they'll start worrying about my health again,' he typed and wondered if Hoseok also just went to work when his personal life felt like hell.

_Isn't that what the two of you have in common?_

'You could come over for coffee if you like. I'm alone with the kids until nine anyway. You might be called my boyfriend again though, so think wisely…' Hoseok texted in reply, followed by a winking smiley.

_Did he just invite you to come over?_

It might have been embarrassing how quickly he threw the blanket off his legs and made his way to the bedroom to choose something appropriate to wear. Hoseok had just given him the opportunity to see him again and Hyungwon wasn't going to waste a single second of it. The children were lovely too and he didn't mind being around them.

_Does the fact that you feel that way about their dad make you terrible?_

Maybe it did, but Hyungwon didn't feel terrible. He wasn't at fault for his feelings and neither was Hoseok. It merely happened and now both of them were trying to make it work somehow without hurting anybody.

_But can it even work without hurting anybody? You don't even know if it's worth breaking everything else for._

Truthfully that was a lie, because as Hyungwon threw a light jacket over his shoulders and grabbed his keys, he knew exactly that Hoseok motivated him to make sacrifices he had never made before. The way the other man made him feel didn't compare and even if Hyungwon hadn't thought that he needed such closeness and understanding, now he was way past trying to live without it.

'I'm on my way,' he typed as he unlocked his bike, jumped on and hurried towards the fancy area that Hoseok bought a house in.

When his eyes fell on the graphite colored house, he remembered his previous assumptions about Hoseok. Hyungwon had been convinced that the other man was living the typical perfect life of marriage, a well-paying job, lovely children and now a house as the grand finale. It was a life straight out of a storybook, the way everybody hoped to live in the end and somehow Hyungwon had assumed that Hoseok was somebody just like that.

_But in the end, he's just as lonely, even in a gigantic house full of people._

After jumping off his bike and locking it against the garden fence, Hyungwon rang the bell and brushed through his hair.

He was buzzed through and this time he had to walk through the garden until he saw Hoseok's daughter grinning from the main entrance.

"Hyungwon, you came!!" she exclaimed, opening the door wider.

He smiled because Areum was adorable and each time he ended up getting surprised by how similar her smile was to Hoseok's.

"I did," he replied and decided that it was probably okay to hug the little girl after seeing her for the third time. Leaning down, he wrapped his arms around the narrow shoulders briefly before slipping out of his shoes in the hallway. "It's nice to see you Areum. Where's your dad?"

"He's on the toilet, wait I'll call him." The girl ran into the house screaming for her father. Hyungwon chuckled at her antics and the fact that a calm minute was probably difficult to come by with two children.

"Coming," the low voice sounded from the second floor before he saw Hoseok walking down the stairs, barefoot, wearing black chinos from before and a simple white t-shirt. The other man must've showered, moist strands covering his forehead and Hyungwon felt a bit shameless, staring at the hard nipples that he could see the outline of.

"You came." Hoseok stepped closer and simply wrapped his arms around him, accompanied by Areum's excited jumping.

_He was still doubting it, just like you did yesterday evening._

"I did," he murmured and hugged back, allowing himself a few more moments of the familiar scent and warmth than was appropriate. Hoseok felt right, no matter how much time had passed or in which situations they were able to be together.

_If you have a chance to be next to him, you're going to take it._

"Coffee? We will need to be fit for the night shift," Hoseok commented with a smile after loosening his embrace and walking towards the kitchen. Glancing at his daughter, Hoseok asked her whether she wanted to watch cartoons with Riku, but the girl declined, grabbing his hand.

"I was waiting for Hyungwon to come, so I'm not going to go anywhere," Areum commented in reply and pulled him towards the bar chairs. "I'm so happy that you came because look…," the girl whispered, pointing at Hoseok who was filling the beans into the coffee machine, smiling to himself. "Look how he smiles! It's like magic, as if you're a helicopter."

_A helicopter?_

Hyungwon didn't ask immediately, too mesmerized by the genuine smile that Areum had pointed out to him. It was beautiful and if he thought about it Hoseok did indeed smile often when he was next to him.

_You didn't know that it was different everywhere else._

"Why like a helicopter?" he asked eventually, also quietly because it seemed like Areum wanted to keep their conversation a secret.

"He doesn't talk about it, but dad really liked working on the helicopter and ambulance. He stopped… because of me. But when you're here he smiles like in those pictures with you. That's why you're like a helicopter. You make him happy." Areum played with her hands and Hoseok glanced towards them briefly before preparing the coffee.

"Why do you think it's because of you?" Hyungwon instantly asked, surprised because Hoseok had already mentioned that it was an emergency gone wrong, a mistake that he must have blamed himself for. It couldn't have anything to do with the little girl sitting next to him. "Your dad told me that it was because he made a mistake and he doesn't want to make mistakes like that again."

_But she makes it sound like emergency medicine was his source of happiness, the way surgery is for you._

The girl leaned closer to his ear and whispered, glancing in Hoseok's direction. "I heard him talk about it on the phone. He said that he couldn't do it anymore because a child died because of him and that it was a girl and she was my age. If he didn't have me, he could have continued being happy, but just like that, he stopped and we moved here. But it's a secret I've never told to anybody. Mom doesn't know anything about it either. Nobody knows."

_Shit, it was a child._

Hyungwon fought with himself to not reveal how much the mere thought of feeling at fault for the death of a child scared him. Hoseok must have destroyed himself over whatever happened, enough to change his area of work and move away, start doing something completely different even though emergency medicine was what he enjoyed the most.

_Whatever happened, it must have been terrible and his daughter believes that she's at fault._

"It's not because of you, Areum," he whispered and put an arm around the slim shoulders, hoping that it provided comfort. "If he didn't have you, your dad would be even more unhappy. He loves you a lot and he must have felt scared that something like that could happen to you too."

Glancing up at Hoseok who was still smiling as he glanced in their direction, Hyungwon couldn't help but wonder how much brighter that smile would be if only Hoseok could continue doing what he loved doing the most.

_You aren't enough to make him smile, you know that all too well._

Even if he needed Hoseok, he couldn't live without his work, without performing surgeries and doing his best to save lives. The other man must feel the same way and Hyungwon couldn't even imagine how switching focus might feel, changing it because of a mistake that cost a life.

"Tell me, Areum, if your dad could go on helicopters again, do you think he would be happy?" he asked quietly and chewed on his cheek, wondering how it must feel to live with a mistake after which nothing positive followed. Hyungwon had made mistakes before, but afterwards there had always been a successful surgery to counteract his doubts, to make him feel competent.

_He stopped after the mistake, so there is nothing._

"I think he's scared so he will not go, even though it made him happy. Dad told me once that he always runs away from the things he loves, so he must love the helicopter and he must love you too because he ran away from you after you took those pictures. That's why I say that you are his boyfriend. I'm sorry." Areum sighed and pressed her lips together. "I can't do anything because I'm only eight years old and I only see him on the weekends."

"You don't have to apologize. He's not running away from me now," Hyungwon murmured and chuckled, fingers brushing through his hair as he tried to shake off the feeling that his own words evoked. If Hoseok always runs away from the things he loves, then the conclusion was an obvious one. "I won't let him run away from what makes him happy, Areum. At least I'll try."

"I knew that you would help me. But be careful, he might run away from you." Grinning brightly, Areum looked at her father who smiled back and walked over to them placing a cup of coffee in front of him.

"So, did you ask him if he feels uncomfortable about you calling him my boyfriend?" Hoseok asked and joined them with his own cup.

_Maybe by calling you that she saw more than either of you did._

"She did and I don't mind," Hyungwon replied with a grin and reached for Hoseok's cup instead of his own and took a sip, brushing over the other man's delicate fingers in the process. "Other's things always taste better."

Areum laughed loudly, cheerfully agreeing and commenting on how fun it was when he visited. Hoseok smiled too, chewing on his lips, probably a bit nervous about their display of affection and it seemed as if it was perfect. All of it.

Time passed almost as quickly as it did at work. They played in the garden with Areum, got a lecture on the most useful Pokémon by Riku and watched at least three cartoons that were mildly creepy but apparently perfect for kids. Even though Hyungwon hadn't quite expected it he felt happy spending time with Hoseok and his children, learning more about them and observing how attentive and loving the other man was towards them.

_He makes you like everything about him. Areum is right that it's like magic, but you're the one who's under a spell._

When Hoseok put the kids to bed and read a story to them, Hyungwon waited outside the door again, listening in and enjoying the sound of Hoseok's low voice. As soon as the other man stepped out of the children's room and closed the door, Hyungwon couldn't help it and wrapped his arms around the broad neck, inhaling the delicious scent and realizing how much he had wanted to be close all this time.

"Why is this so perfect?" he murmured but didn't expect an answer.

"It's a bit scary, isn't it?" the same low voice asked back and he felt the firm grip of Hoseok's arms around him.

He only hummed in reply and rested his head on the other man's shoulder despite the height difference. It felt right like this and he didn't want to let go, so he didn't, fingers playing with the fabric of Hoseok's white shirt that had been covered in marmalade by Riku and lips placing a kiss to the crook of the other man's neck.

"I won't let you be lonely anymore," he whispered and licked over the shell of Hoseok's ear. It felt like it wasn't enough to simply embrace, like he needed to be even closer and touch and taste the other man.

"You still remember that it's a sensitive spot," Hoseok whispered after a shiver passed through his body and chuckled right after, moving a bit further from the children's room. The light had dimmed when he looked up and saw the serious expression on the handsome face. The shadows somehow gave the atmosphere a darker vibe and Hyungwon couldn't help a feeling of dread that suddenly spread in his chest.

_This feels like so much more than sharing a few kisses behind somebody's back._

"What… do you think this is?" Hoseok breathed out, hand lifting and gesturing between them.

_What is this, Hyungwon?_

He swallowed, somehow assuming that they had given up on providing the whole thing with a name and defining it. For as long as they knew but didn't say it, it felt safe, like Hoseok couldn't change his mind and decide to return to what he knew, to continue running away from everything the way he had for such a long time.

_If you don't say it there is nothing to be afraid of._

It wasn't true. Even if they didn't say it out loud, feelings could change and both of them weren't able to control it. If they could, Hoseok wouldn't have moved towards him, wouldn't have decided to be close in the end even though he had a family. The other man was right that they couldn't keep it silent. Silence meant that they created their own assumptions about what the other person felt without actually talking about it.

_Back then you assumed there was nothing when there was, but who knows, maybe it's the other way around now._

His hands started shaking again and he dug them deeper into the fabric of Hoseok's shirt to contain it. Shaking hands was what he hated the most, a weakness for both his work and his personal relationships.

_You'll never know what's going on inside his head unless you address it._

Hyungwon was scared, scared of finding out that he was the only one feeling the way he did. He was scared of turning his thoughts from back then into reality, having made a mistake in the past. When they were young, he had thought his feelings were a burden and kept them secret, even though they had been mutual. What if they are one sided this time? What if he was willing to make sacrifices to be next to Hoseok, but in the end he couldn't have him because it was too late.

_He's taken but you still want him. You want him so fucking much that it feels like you'll suffocate if you can't have him._

"Well, you said that you run away from the things you love," he whispered and held his breath, listening to every single exhale that left Hoseok's lips. It was terrifying, just like his thoughts had been when he wanted to sleep with the man in his arms but kept remembering the way Hoseok had left him back then. "But you're not running away from me."

_What if it's really just you? What if he doesn't feel the same and you're the only one burning?_

Hoseok chewed on his lips and observed him intently, keeping the distance between them to be able to look at him. "I'm not. Because I can't," the low voice whispered.

_But what does that mean?_

"So, you would if I let you?" he murmured and tightened his grip around the other man, unwilling to let him go. It didn't matter if they felt the same, Hyungwon couldn't change his feelings anymore. They were right there, making him run over to Hoseok as soon as the other man gave him the opportunity.

_You need him and there's nothing you can change about that._

“No. I won’t. Do you… understand, Hyungwon?” Hoseok breathed out and he could see the other man’s lip tremble.

Hyungwon tried to make sense of it, eyes passing over the emotional gaze, the intensity with which Hoseok looked at him. The other man looked so scared, as if a single word of Hyungwon's could break him. Both of them were scared of the answer that was clear as day, floating in the air around them.

_He's in love with you, Hyungwon._

He nodded slowly, fingers still trembling even though he was holding onto Hoseok's shirt with as much strength as he could muster.

_He's in love with you and you're in love with him too. Your past is repeating itself._

He swallowed and leaned in, brushing their lips against each other because he needed the proximity to talk, to know that he wasn't imagining it. He needed Hoseok to know that he meant every word.

"I feel the same," he whispered, voice sounding foreign to his ears because of the adrenaline and sheer fear that spread in his veins. It meant so much. One simple confession was enough to break both of their worlds like shattered glass. Nothing was perfect anymore, none of their situations were what made them happy.

Because they were both in love with each other and not the people they had chosen to be with.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 10

How cruel could his own past be? After seventeen years to come face to face with the person he had abandoned due to a stupid misjudgment, the person that had been the source of his longing for adrenaline that he tried to satisfy with med school and critical emergency work, the one person that he had been in love with in a stupid and selfish way, that he wanted to have for himself. All those things were so clear to him, now, that he stood in the hallway looking at those big brown eyes and the thick parted lips. Hyungwon’s features were still soft somehow, but not as much as back then and the short black hair suited him so well, complimenting his round jaw and golden skin.

_He’s more beautiful now._

The other man’s gaze was different now too, there was nothing playful about it and Hyungwon didn’t try teasing him just to see how he reacted, instead, everything was so obvious. So painfully and unmistakingly obvious.

_What are you supposed to do now?_

Somehow, he thought that exploring it and getting closer had been a good idea, that there would be a moment where Hyungwon or him would step back, saying that it’s enough and defining their relationship as something… something…

To be honest, he didn’t even know what he had been hoping for. Hyungwon was wrong, saying that he ran away from the things he loved but didn’t run away from him. He did. In the beginning. Many times, until it was too late to try, but he was still hopeful because until now, during those years that he had found his passion, lost it due to a mistake, had a family and got married, during all those years there hadn’t been a single encounter like that because nothing could ever compare to his love for his job. Not his wife and not anybody else he considered interesting.

_You’re in love, aren’t you?_

So why now? Why did it have to happen when he was thirty-five and had just moved to a new city to start over? What a time for the past to come along and hold a mirror in front of his face, showing him a man who was in love with another man. The man that he had left behind seventeen years ago, promising himself that he would move on.

_But did you ever?_

He did, he was a different person now. Sure, his first reaction had been to run away because he couldn’t believe that he didn’t recognize Hyungwon, that he started finding him interesting, liking him even. Just like that, after all those years, as if a fine thread still connected them, that thread Hyungwon described as the knowledge about what kind of person he was many years ago, what he had felt and how it changed. How Hoseok could see the way it changed.

Standing in the barely illuminated hallway of his newly bought house in Zurich, Hoseok felt his mind trying to get around the fact that the things he was running away from eventually caught up to him. In the end, one couldn’t just stop loving. He couldn’t force himself to act as if he wasn’t in love, thinking that there would be something else coming, a substitute. Right now, after all those years, being the person he was now, he knew what he wanted and that there was nothing he owned or had access to that could substitute for it. Nothing and no one apart from the person in his arms who told him that he felt the same.

_Does he really?_

The other man told him many times that he wanted him, all of him. But that could mean anything, could it? He thought about voicing it, explaining what he meant and he was ready to, but then, as if to prove that there was nothing left to misunderstand, the gorgeous man simply nodded at his unspecific comment, his attempt to explain that he couldn’t run away, even if Hyungwon let him. The person looking at him knew without any additional explanation, as if the past had turned and there was no misunderstanding, no ambivalence left between them, just the walls of reality, relationships and choices that they had made independent of each other only to end up together facing them all at once.

“You feel the same?” he asked, not trusting his own judgment, anxious that he was imagining things because of wishful thinking. But if it really was wishful thinking, he wouldn’t be standing in his house, listening to how the front door unlocked as his wife returned home.

Hyungwon didn't realize and leaned in to kiss him, lips hot against his own and long fingers restless as they raked through his hair. The other man nodded desperately, only to deepen the kiss and wrap around him with all the strength he could muster.

_What are you supposed to do now?_

“I’m in love with you, Hyungwon,” he whispered, unable to keep it to himself, to prevent the words from being said at least once, even if they were misunderstood. His lips returned the kisses and he pushed Hyungwon deeper into the hallway, aware of the few seconds that they had left to themselves. “I can’t breathe if I don’t have you.”

"Then have me, Hoseok," Hyungwon murmured against his lips and exhaled roughly, words sounding breathless and desperate. The warmth against his cheeks came from the big palms that reached for him in the dark and cupped them, thumbs caressing his cheeks tenderly. There was no need for light to see how emotional Hyungwon was, how badly his lips and hands were shaking. "I'm in love with you too, so can't you just have me then? You're the only one I need."

_Would it be such a fucking tragedy if it was one-sided?_

“She’s here and I can’t continue holding you even though I want to. I want it more than anything else, but I have a responsibility and I need to find out how to address it.” The words physically hurt him, but if it was as bad for him, how terrible was it for the person in his arms when he loosened his embrace, hands shaking. “I’m not going to run away, I promise.”

Hyungwon nodded and took a few deep breaths, arms wrapping around his own waist. It was almost unbearable to see him like this, fighting for composure with his eyes closed and head thrown back. The seconds passed until the other man let his arms fall loosely to his sides and opened his eyes again, observing him as he forced a smile on his face.

"Let's go down, shall we?"

Hoseok was staring, unable to move, experiencing the way his emotional connection to Hyungwon made him feel pain, so much pain as he watched the person he was in love with suffer because he wanted time to think about what he was supposed to do.

_You can’t do this. He’s the only person that makes you feel alive, he understands you without a single word, Hoseok._

“No.” Exhaling sharply, he wrapped his fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist and pulled the other man into the dark bedroom and threw the door shut. Next, he turned on the light panels on the wall to escape the darkness before he turned towards Hyungwon, quickly assessing possible outcomes of the situation and calming himself. “I’ll get dressed to come with you. We can drive by your apartment if you need to change or I’ll take you to work.” After speaking so quickly, he grabbed the small face with both palms and clashed their lips together in a deep kiss so desperate that he felt his fingers tremble against Hyungwon’s warm cheeks.

Those big hands instantly covered his own as Hyungwon's eyes widened and the other man tried to make sense of what he was saying, lips parting a few times to speak but hesitating.

"Are you- sure that you can simply leave like this?" Hyungwon murmured eventually and chewed on his cheek. "With me?"

“She knows that I have a night shift and I said that you’re visiting, so yes, I can. I need some time to understand what all of this means and I need to think, but right now, I can’t think about anything but you, so let me get dressed and then let’s leave.” Again, it physically hurt to let go, but he forced himself, only placing a warm and soft kiss against those red, parted lips before stepping back and walking towards the wardrobe. “You can sit here,” he commented and pointed at his side of the bed. “That’s where I lie and look at the ceiling thinking of you.”

Hyungwon didn't say anything as he carefully sat down on his side of the bed and let the fingers of his right hand travel over the sheets, caressing them as if they were a person.

"You're wondering what this means?" the other man murmured and glanced up from the way his fingers drew nonsensical patterns on the blanket. "It means that we're in love with each other while still being with someone else. I can't keep hurting another person, so I won't."

_You don’t even know if you are hurting anybody. You just know that you’re not being honest. That’s what you need to change._

Hoseok didn’t say anything at first, taking off his shirt and slipping his arms into the sleeves of a light blue button down, before his fingers pulled each button through the respective hole. “Have you thought about this before, or is it something that you decided just now?”

"I realized that my thoughts had changed before, but I made the decision now," Hyungwon replied and sighed softly. "I can tell that the feelings are not the same and you're the only one I am affectionate with. But don't worry, ending things is the decision that I made for myself. I don't expect you to do the same."

“I know. I need to come clear first, but it has to wait until I come home from this shift.” Hoseok left his chinos on, listening to the steps in the hallway as he inhaled. “She’s here.”

_You don’t want to be dishonest, but it will have to wait._

Hoseok looked at the man sitting on his bed and maybe he should’ve felt ashamed for wanting to be close, to kiss and wrap around the person that wasn’t his, but he didn’t. The only thing he could think of was how much he wanted to taste those lips, to remove the sadness from Hyungwon’s face, erase that expression, change it, hold him, tell him that it would be okay, that they could be together, but he couldn’t do any of it. Instead he glanced at the door and inhaled when it opened to show his wife’s face, smiling and surprised to see Hyungwon.

_This is a fucking tragedy. The only question is for whom._

“Areum was really happy,” Hoseok commented and walked to the mirror before brushing his hair that looked a bit messy from Hyungwon raking through it. “Did you have fun?”

Yura walked inside and hugged Hyungwon briefly, before taking off her jacket and hanging it in the wardrobe. “Yeah, it was awesome, but now I’m tired. I didn’t think you would stay, Hyungwon. Are you going to the hospital with Hoseok?”

"Yeah, we have a shift together," he heard Hyungwon reply as the other man stood up from the bed, probably slightly uncomfortable. "You probably want to change. It's late after all. I can wait outside if you like."

“Oh, no, no way, I’m fine, I see you’re ready to go, was everything alright with the kids?”

He nodded with a brief smile and squeezed his wife’s shoulder. It felt strange suddenly, as if the truth stood between them making everything awkward and uncomfortable.

“I’ll get going then. Sleep well and see you tomorrow.”

_You need to talk to her. As soon as possible._

“I will. I hope Areum didn’t torture you with her boyfriend agenda.” Yura laughed at Hyungwon, opening the first button of her black silk shirt. “I have to work a bit though, so I'll be up late tonight. The price one has to pay for some fun, oh man. I hope you guys have a calm shift and can sleep a bit.”

_She has no idea._

"Thank you Yura and don't worry about Areum, she was being lovely," Hyungwon remarked with a smile as they left, but Hoseok could see that he hid his hands in his pockets to hide the way they must have been shaking still.

It was silent when they walked down the stairs and put on their shoes before going into Hoseok’s garage and only when he started the car and they were far enough from his house, he could feel Hyungwon’s hand on his thigh.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I won’t do this anymore.”

"I would understand it, even if you did." Hyungwon sighed and sank deeper into the car seat, keeping his palm on his thigh, sliding it up and down slowly. "Tell me, why do you never embrace?"

_Does he mean Yura and you?_

“I guess my marriage doesn’t correspond to what you imagined a marriage to be like. People are different, and it’s simply the way it is with us. We cherish our alone time and spend the rest with the kids, so the only time we see each other is the nights when she’s not asleep yet, when we… are close or when we are taking over from each other like now. It just doesn’t seem like… we need it? We have been married for quite some time, I embraced work and she… probably somebody else, who knows. It’s not my business.” Sighing, he turned around the corner. “Do you want to change, or do we go straight to the hospital even though we have an hour?”

"I don't want to change, but I want to hold you, so let's go to my place." Hyungwon smiled and looked straight ahead, observing the darkness covering the city and the traffic light that they stopped at. "It seemed to have worked for you, just like my relationship worked for me. Only that suddenly it doesn't."

The other man squeezed his thigh and turned to look at him, expression serious. "I meant it, Hoseok. I don't want to force you into anything. Your situation is more complex than mine, because there are people that depend on you."

_Does he feel better about it only because your situation is a fucking mess? He doesn't. He feels worse._

"I don't think that you expect me to do anything. But please don't expect me to not feel anything if I see that you're suffering because of that," Hoseok whispered in reply, turning around to drive to Hyungwon's apartment and be able to hold the person next to him, to inhale the now familiar scent, exhale the adrenaline and feel just like he wanted to feel.

_

His vision got a bit blurry as he walked towards the main entrance of his house, accompanied by the birds singing a good morning song to everybody who just woke up.

Not him. He was about to go home and catch up on sleep, at least for a few hours. His quick heart beat might have been due to the two emergencies that Hyungwon and him took care of or his thoughts of admiration towards the other man, his hands, his skill, his attitude.

_You’re in love._

Chuckling a little because it was so obvious, now that he had realized it for himself and shared it with Hyungwon, Hoseok opened the door and walked in, finding Yura preparing breakfast for the kids. It was still early, but she must’ve woken up before her alarm.

“You’re awake,” he stated and slipped out of his shoes, walking straight to the coffee machine because the hospital coffee sucked big time and they usually didn’t have time to walk all the way to the decent machine.

“I am. I was surprised to see Hyungwon yesterday,” the familiar voice commented and it sounded a bit off. Was it a good time to turn around and look at his wife’s expression, or was it better to stay low and see what happened?

_You can’t be talking to her about this now, she’s in the middle of her routine._

“Why? I told you that I would be at his place and that he came over to give me some company.” Hoseok poured beans into the grinder and pressed the button for one coffee.

“Hmm.” Yura stopped making noises behind his back and he saw her silhouette appear next to him, hips leaning against the counter. “Because I thought that you lied about being at his place.”

_She thought that you lied? But why?_

He didn’t say anything, instead he waited until the noises from the coffee machine silenced down before taking a sip and turning to face his wife. “Why would I lie?”

“Let’s say that I saw somebody had fun scratching your thighs, so I thought you might want to repeat that instead of actually going to your colleague’s place.” Sighing, Yura crossed her arms in front of her chest and glanced at him, but there was no hint of hostility or anything else that he would’ve imagined to get as a reaction from somebody with such assumptions. “Listen, I didn’t want to have this conversation, but we haven’t had the need yet, right? But now, it seems like the right time, so let me just tell you that I expect you to notify me if you’re getting it on with somebody without protection because it concerns me too.”

_What?_

Shocked was an understatement, so he simply stood in front of the coffee machine and stared, unable to say anything in reply.

“So… are you?”

“No,” he muttered, shaking his head too, lips still parted and mind furiously trying to come up with something appropriate to say. “Yura, why... don’t you care whether I’m close to somebody else?”

The perfect eyebrows lifted and his wife blinked once, pushing him to the side to gain access to the coffee machine.

“I’m not the one who got married saying that he won’t ever love anything apart from his job, but I mean, you’re not a robot, are you? I was already wondering whether there was something wrong with you considering the fact that our rare encounters seemed enough for you. To be very honest with you, I don’t want to know anything about who and when and why, it doesn’t matter, as long as everything stays the way it is and you show enough respect to use protection. You have two kids that barely have any of your time. Make sure there's not an accident.”

Placing his cup on the counter he laughed, but not because it was funny, but because he couldn’t believe that the person he was married to would say something so cold, so rational and completely unemotional. He didn’t think that Yura loved him, but she must’ve liked him enough to propose to him, to create a family with him and to sleep with him for fuck's sake.

_Are you sad now that you know that she doesn’t care?_

It wasn’t the point. It was not the fucking point because he was in love. He wasn’t just fucking around for fun. There was an emotional bond with another person, one that was so strong that he considered his current situation unbearable, be it because Yura didn’t know, because Hyungwon felt like an idiot, acting like a friend, because he wanted to spend his free time with the other man, or because he felt like he couldn't breathe without him.

_This escalated so fast._

“Are you worrying about me having a baby on the side right now? Are you for real?” He massaged his temples and shook his head. “I won’t have any children. Is that the only thing you’re worried about?”

“Are you offended? But why? I don’t really think that you want one, but you know how easily it can happen. Listen, I don’t want our relationship to suffer from this, just make sure to use protection.” The touch against his shoulder felt foreign and he glanced at the pale hand before focusing on the woman that he had lived with for many years.

_Tell her._

“I’m not offended, I have no right. I was close to somebody else, but it’s not just sex, so this has an impact on everything.” Stepping back, Hoseok swallowed, wrapping his hands around the kitchen counter.

Something about Yura’s gaze changed, thin lips pressing together in dissatisfaction. “Didn’t you say that you just need your work? Are you telling me that it changed suddenly? Why? Met the woman of your dreams?” The chuckle sounded a bit hostile.

“It’s not a woman,” he whispered and felt his bottom lip tremble so bad that he had to bite for it to stop. “It’s a man.”

He didn’t think that his wife knew that he had been close to a man before and they never talked about his sexuality. The wide eyes confirmed his impression, but instead of doing anything he would have expected, Yura stepped closer and wrapped her arms around him, stroking over his hair slowly.

“You must be so tired, gosh. Don’t worry and go to catch up on some sleep and we’ll talk about everything later when you feel better.”

_She thinks you went mad._

“I’m not, Yura. This is not a temporary thing, I-” He stopped because the door opened on the second floor and he could hear it clearly. He couldn’t be having those talks in front of his children when Areum seemed so confused about everything already. He was being a shit parent to his kids often enough.

_You need to wait until you can talk in peace._

“Don’t worry, baby. I’m not mad at all. I shouldn’t have said it. Please get some sleep and see you in the evening.” Yura lifted on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on his mouth. The touch was soft, but it felt so terribly wrong.

_You don’t feel wrong having sex with him, but you feel wrong kissing her._

Freeing himself from the embrace, he smiled at Riku who appeared on the stairs, rubbing his eyes and holding onto his favorite stuffed bunny. It wasn’t only about Yura and him. He had two small humans who relied on him and he couldn't force them to suffer from his own inability to make decisions, because he wasn’t strong enough to leave, unable to run away from what he loved.

From who he loved.

_

The white walls around him - his house - felt like a sterile box. It was nothing besides a pretty cover for his longing, like latex gloves to hide his thoughts and desires.

_You thought she would be crushed and disappointed in you, but she simply doesn't believe you. And she doesn’t care much either._

Was he expecting something else? A scandal, or a scene? Did he think that his wife would be sad and crushed, beg him to stay, be angry at him and throw things? At this point the scariest bit was that he didn’t know what he expected, because honestly, it seemed as if he didn’t expect anything at all because they were people who didn’t know each other.

_It’s like you lived next to each other for the past eight years and were both okay with it, but now that you got a taste and aren’t able to think about anything else the facade seems to crumble and the latex gloves are beginning to tear._

The problem was that now, Hoseok wasn’t okay with it anymore. It felt wrong. His life felt like a bunch of decisions he had made in an attempt to create a pretty glove that would fit and that would cover him and his desires, his pain from past mistakes and his inability to feel understood. But meeting Hyungwon, or the constant run from the things he loved, ended in him growing out of this glove so that it didn’t fit anymore. Nothing fit anymore.

Even his body didn’t work the way it was supposed to. There was a crawling under his skin. Not the exciting kind that he experienced when he was next to Hyungwon, when he had successfully treated an emergency in the ambulance or flew a rescue mission to the mountains in the helicopter. It was the kind that made him go mad. As if he needed to run away, to move, get rid of everything around him and run.

_But you can’t run. You can’t because you love them and they love you. You don’t do that anymore._

After running away from the only thing that gave him the adrenaline he loved so much, he was so fucking miserable for months. Then after years of med school he had done the same thing to his work that he loved more than anything. His job had become a substitute that he adored and made him feel so similar to how the pink-haired boy had made him feel. After giving that up, he felt as if there was nothing alive inside him anymore. He was resigned to the fact that he was a person who had no passion, no feelings. A person who existed and who was satisfied with what he had. That his family, the house and his new job were enough. But then…

_Then you met him again and you felt the same even though you are different people now and so much time passed after you saw each other last._

Hoseok was going mad as the crawling continued. It was still a few hours before he would start his next shift, but there was nothing he felt like doing, apart from one thought that occupied his mind as soon as he glanced at the white ceiling again.

_You want to see him._

Grabbing his phone, he turned to the side, glancing out of the window and opened their text conversation.

'It feels like a prison,' he texted, before asking Hyungwon whether he managed to get some sleep.

'It resembles a sanitized room for me, void of anything but myself,' Hyungwon answered in a matter of minutes, as if the other man was also at home and staring at the white walls. 'You're missing, so sleep won't come.'

_Isn't it interesting how it seemed as if nothing was missing in your life before you met him again and now it's as if everything is missing? How can he feel the same? Absolutely the same? There’s no way that two people can feel the same thing._

'I want to see you… can I come over?' he texted back and held onto the blanket, ready to throw it to the side, hoping that Hyungwon would say yes. He needed to go there, to look into those big eyes, hoping that they would give him the answer to the question about what he was supposed to do now.

He could see the sign that Hyungwon was typing before a message finally appeared. 'I don't think there is anything that I could want more, Hoseok.'

_You do think the same. It’s exactly the same._

'On my way,' he typed and jumped out of bed, quickly slipping into blue jeans, a black t-shirt and socks. After turning off the light in the bedroom, he ran down the stairs with his phone in his right hand. As he took the car keys from the kitchen counter, Hyungwon's comment came to mind. Back when the other man had visited for the first time and seemed overwhelmed by his home, he remarked that he would've loved coming home to a place like this.

_It's bullshit because the house isn't the reason you want to come back home. At least not for you. You look forward to seeing the kids, but it doesn’t matter where it is._

Thankfully, the streets were quite empty and he found a parking spot not far from the other man's apartment building, sprinting all the way to the entrance that was open as usual. When he stood in front of the dark wooden door, he simply knocked, somehow expecting Hyungwon to wait for him in the same way he had wanted to come.

_Your mind is going places. Is it because you’re devastated, or because you’re going mad? Or both?_

It only took a few seconds for the door to open and arms to wrap around his waist and pull him flush against Hyungwon's body. The other man was only wearing his underwear and his hair was tousled from being in bed. Long fingers instantly slipped into his hair and stroked over it as a kiss was placed on the spot right below his ear.

_He’s so attractive like this. With that nervous unsettled state on display. You’re the same, just dressed._

"Are you okay?" Hyungwon asked softly.

"No," he murmured in reply and stepped into the apartment, wrapping both arms around Hyungwon's neck and burying his face in the crook of it. It was warm and smelled so good that he didn't want to think. He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t because the conclusions and desires were too much to take and he had no idea how to get out of it. Wondering if he had the right to be mad at Yura for treating him like a child who didn’t know what he was talking about, for not caring about his feelings, for simply accepting this kind of relationship for eight years.

_But you told her that that’s what you wanted. You wanted it like this, Hoseok. How can you be mad about it now? She has the right to be mad at you because suddenly you think differently._

The other man only hummed and hugged him tighter. The fingers of Hyungwon's right hand stroked over his hair while the thumb of the left drew circles on his hip bone. It felt so good to be held without having to say anything.

_How can you say anything? He was so clear about it, immediately saying that he would end his relationship after you confessed and you are standing here wanting to be held because you made decisions that closed you in a sterile box without a way out._

“Isn’t it ironic how something one hasn’t ever missed becomes something one can’t live without?” It sounded dramatic, but in fact, he wasn’t able to sleep. He couldn’t think about anything else and only after arriving at the spacious apartment and holding onto the slim neck, did he feel calm, as if everything was going to be alright.

_It won’t._

Hoseok wasn’t stupid or naive, he knew his situation well and Yura’s reaction made all of it even worse because it wasn’t even about feelings. It was about business.

_She won’t understand. She will think that you’ve gone nuts and need more sleep._

Wrapping his arms tighter, Hoseok turned and leaned against the wall in Hyungwon’s hallway, pulling the other man closer and exhaling sharply. “I’m going fucking mad, Hyungwon.”

_You’re going mad and he’s the only one who understands you. Or he is going mad along with you._

"Aren't we all?" the low voice whispered before a chuckle sounded next to his ear. The expression on the other man's face told him that he wasn't joking though, eyes attentive and taking on his features. "Another person isn't supposed to be like oxygen, but still my lungs don't work decently when you're not with me. How can I make you feel better, Hoseok?"

"Tell me," he whispered, leaning back to be able to see every twitch on the handsome face. "Tell me how you spent your day. I want to know about your thoughts, how you're feeling, what it is that bothers you. I want to know it all."

A smile spread Hyungwon's lips as he stroked over his cheeks and down his neck to his shoulders. "After our shift, I missed you as soon as you got into your car. When I returned home I thought of turning on music or the vacuum cleaner to get rid of the pressuring silence, but I didn't in the end. Maybe that was me punishing myself for not acting yet but blaming my lack of sleep for avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. You know, it didn't feel that empty before, but after you've been here it seems like my apartment is incomplete without you lying next to me."

The other man sighed and bit down on his bottom lip. "I'm incomplete."

"I don't think it's true. I think you are stunning, everything about you, but especially your development. The person you've become. To be honest, I know the feeling, I think I feel similarly. Before, I thought that my situation was okay, that it was what being alive felt like for me as a person. I wasn't missing anything. At least I didn't feel like missing a person, not missing a feeling either, but now I do. I miss you as if I need you to breathe. As if I grew out of those latex gloves." Smiling, Hoseok lifted his right hand, carefully tracing Hyungwon's cheek but keeping the touch so light that he could feel the fine hair on the other man's skin. "Don't feel bad. I can't believe that you were so decisive about it. It's been a day, so you probably want to think about it more… about what you want."

He didn't want Hyungwon to feel pressured, but at the same time, there was nothing else that he wanted apart from being with the man in front of him and he hoped that Hyungwon thought the same way. That he wouldn't change his mind and stay with his partner, abandoning him because it was new. It was so much easier to keep something that was familiar instead of drowning in a sea of insecurity with a person you met again after many years, unsure what your encounter really entailed. Whether the feelings would change quickly.

_That story you're telling… It's not about you and you know it._

"I know what I want, Hoseok." Hyungwon tilted his head to meet his gaze, eyes attentive and serious as he licked his lips and leaned in to kiss him. "I want you."

When their lips separated, the other man stepped back and reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers. Hyungwon pulled him along through the apartment that felt so small compared to his house, but at the same time it seemed like the right place to be. Once they reached the bedroom, Hyungwon pushed against his shoulders to make him sit down on the bed before the other man climbed on top of him, one leg on each side of his thighs.

"I'm not angry at myself because I'm hesitating. I'm angry because I'm so impatient. Only a few hours had passed, I just finished my shift and tried to sleep but still all of this isn't fast enough. I feel like I need to act in order to be able to pull you into my arms and call you mine." Lips brushed over his, followed by a hot tongue that slipped in between and tasted him. "It feels like you already are while the situation tells me that you're not. I hate the dissonance, so I want to act. Of course, I don't know if this will last or not and I also know the risk of breaking something established for something that is uncertain. But isn't it worse to stay with somebody that I know I don't love? Even if this won't last, isn't it unfair towards him?"

"I don't know your feelings, so I’m not sure. I thought I was hurting somebody too, turns out that it was just a thought inside my head. Nothing real. In reality it’s… more complicated, I guess. Expectations and all.” He chuckled and shook his head, wrapping his arms around Hyungwon’s waist and moving his fingers, carefully brushing over the warm skin.

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little as big hands reached for his face, cupping it. "What… do you mean? You've talked to her already?"

_It’s strange that it feels wrong. That the way she reacted feels wrong even though you should’ve been feeling as if you did something wrong._

“I had to because I was asked to notify her if I’m having unprotected sex because she’s worried that I’ll have an unwanted child.” He lifted both hands to his face and rubbed it, chuckling in disbelief at his own words. “She saw the scratches on my thighs. That’s why she pointed it out.”

Hyungwon stared at him first without replying, disbelief apparent on his features as the other man must have contemplated what to say. Fingers danced over his shoulders and caressed his hair, instantly reassuring him and showing affection even without words that attempted to do the same.

"Is that the only thing she was concerned about?" Hyungwon murmured eventually, one corner of his mouth lifting, drenched in sarcasm. "Because I can promise that won't happen."

Shifting on top of him, the other man moved higher on his lap and placed a kiss on the top of his head before adding another one to his lips, a longer and more intimate one.

"I can also promise that I'm not going to leave you with a person that doesn't seem to have any emotional connection to you with the exception of responsibilities you have to fulfill, Hoseok."

“I got angry somehow, even though she should have been the hurt one, the angry one, but she wasn’t. I told her that I won’t have children if that’s what she’s concerned about and that it’s more than that, that it concerns my feelings and that’s why it’s more serious.” Chuckling again, he brushed his hair back and chewed on his lips when Hyungwon leaned back. “She asked whether I found the woman of my dreams, I said it was a man. Then, she hugged me and told me to get some sleep, saying how I’m probably confused and tired and that she doesn’t mind me doing anything as long as everything stays the same.”

Hyungwon's teeth settled down on his bottom lip as he inhaled through his nose and wrapped his arms around him, tightening his grip as if the other man could tell what was going on inside his head, just by looking at his face.

"I'm so sorry, Hoseok," the low voice murmured into his ear as fingers raked through his hair. "She's not taking you seriously at all, because the change was too sudden. She probably cannot imagine you having feelings for a man. What is your view of your relationship? How… do you feel about her?"

_How do you feel about her?_

“I like her. We’ve spent a long time together. I was never- in love or anything, but I was honest about it. She didn’t know about you, she doesn’t know much about me, now that I think about it, but it has never been a problem. We… we lived like this and it seemed okay. Just now it isn’t. It’s not okay and I’m not okay. I’m sorry for emptying all of it over you. It’s not the consequences of your decisions and you shouldn’t have to think about them at all.” Leaning back, he propped on his arms and tilted his head. Hyungwon looked beautiful and he wanted to kiss, to pull the other man on top of himself and feel his warm body, his lips. He wanted to forget about the fact that his wife only cared that he continued on with the way they have been living when it felt like a prison to him.

"That's not something you should be apologizing for, Hoseok," Hyungwon whispered and crawled on top of him before kissing his lips. "I care about what concerns you and what you think about. That's the whole point of this, isn't it? At least that's one of the reasons being with you feels so different to me. Tell me, Hoseok, why did you choose to marry back then?"

“Did this ever have a point?” he asked, smiling a little. “I don’t think I lost it because there was a point about being next to you.” Hoseok glanced to the ceiling and remembered the time when he met Yura on one of his emergency shifts. She had a pretty bad accident and he managed to save her life by his timely detection of a ruptured spleen that led to internal bleeding. “She said that I saved her and there would never be somebody else that she would want to marry. I told her that I won’t ever be able to change my priorities because emergency medicine is what I love more than anything else in life. She said she was okay with it."

"But that is her being okay with your ultimatum. The question is why _you_ said yes." Hyungwon lay down next to him, naked legs brushing over his and intertwining as the other man caressed his cheek and neck. "She told you that she wants you and you said you want emergency medicine, so how did she fit into the equation?"

“She was pregnant.” He returned his gaze to the other man’s face and sighed. “So, it was not just what I wanted against what she wanted. It was like- a compromise? I wanted to take responsibility for the child and she wanted to have a formal arrangement around it.”

"Wait-" Hyungwon lifted up by leaning on his elbow and stared at him in disbelief, but there was no judgement, only surprise. "So, it was more of a business deal? A business deal with a person that you like, but do not love?"

“This sounds like I knowingly agreed to spend my life with somebody I didn’t love. I didn’t think I could love anything apart from emergency medicine. For me…” He didn’t finish and thought back to that talk when his heart was hammering in his chest because his phone was ringing, but he couldn’t pick up because Yura was looking at him and telling him that she wanted to get married because it would be the best for both of them and for the baby. He had been honest, saying that he wanted to continue doing what he loved and that he wouldn’t give it up, ever.

_But you did. You did in the end and it’s your own fucking fault._

“For me it was more like one of the possible outcomes of the situation I was in and I had been honest to the point I was able to and we agreed to do it. Of course, I liked her, we had sex and we had a baby, then another one because she didn’t want Areum to be alone, but marriage was never something that I considered. Not until she asked. I decided and I haven’t regretted it. Just- now it seems as if I had no idea what I was doing.” He felt strange telling Hyungwon about him and Yura. Especially because of how strange it sounded when he did. As if he had no fucking idea what he was doing, as if he didn’t think about the consequences, about what it meant, about Yura’s expectations towards him.

_You only cared about emergency medicine._

“I will address it again. I simply didn’t expect her to react that way. I mean- I never expected her to love me, but we do like each other and-” Groaning, he let himself fall on the bed and took Hyungwon along, turning them until he hovered over the other man and leaned in to kiss him. “I’m sorry that I’m like this.”

A smile spread the other man's lips as he shook his head. "Stop apologizing for things that don't deserve one. The two of us have so many similarities, be it our obsession with work or the ultimatums we give our partners. Elias and I met like us, at the gym. He was also the one who confessed to me and I found him lovely as a person, warm somehow, so we started dating. It wasn't the type of love that makes you dizzy and drives you mad, but the type that makes you feel at ease and taken care of. He also didn't want too much of my time and my guilt gave him freedom to have sex whenever he likes. Maybe it was a business deal too, who knows? I started doubting it after telling him that I kissed you at work. He was surprised by that even though it was part of our relationship, but me cancelling on him didn't mean anything. Felt strange, like it doesn't really matter."

"Yura was surprised too. Wondering if I'm tired or have found the 'woman of my dreams'. I don't think it's about searching and finding. I think it's about the fact that we're different with different people, I can't be me with her in the same way I can with you." Letting his palms travel down the other man's back, Hoseok blinked a few times, focusing his gaze on the pretty face. "Did you think about what you were going to do if you had me? If I wasn't tied up in all that mess?"

"I did," Hyungwon replied and smiled briefly before simply burying his face in the crook of his neck. "It's one of those thoughts that keeps me awake, another one of those what ifs. I imagined how we could live together and how I wouldn't mind, because somehow, it's okay to have you next to me when I break down. I also imagined working like crazy together and coming home at the crack of dawn because both of us are like this, loving work and sacrificing sleep for it. For work and each other. Maybe it's unrealistic, I can't really tell since I've never lived with anybody else, but that's how I imagine it."

It sounded like an alternate reality and he smiled because it sounded so nice.

"I would give you your five minutes and kiss the shell of your ear because I love how relaxed you are in my arms, warm and peaceful," he whispered, suddenly feeling so incredibly sad. He didn't know why at first, but maybe it was because he glanced at Hyungwon's red alarm clock standing on the bedside table and suddenly remembered that in their kind of reality they had different ones.

***

A smile was on his face when his alarm rang and the sensation of warm, muscular arms entered his consciousness, tightly wrapped around his waist and pulling him against naked thighs and an underwear-covered groin.

Hyungwon would have loved to snooze his alarm and enjoy his infamous five minutes, but Hoseok and him had only taken a nap. They enjoyed the brief moment of sleeping next to each other before their shifts while secretly pretending that it was always like this.

_It would be so nice, wouldn't it?_

It was frustrating how quickly his smile transformed into concerns and thoughts about how upset Hoseok had seemed before they fell asleep. Hyungwon loved the other man's presence and he loved him, so the mere thought that there was something upsetting him made him want to go to that something and beat the crap out of it.

_But you can't because it's past decisions that were made and cannot be undone that easily. It's not that fucking easy._

When the two of them were next to each other it seemed easy somehow. Hyungwon had also thought that it was impossible for another person to understand why he lived on his own if he felt lonely, but Hoseok was able to. He had also thought that he didn't want to see anybody when he was upset and preferred to be alone, but Hoseok was the exception.

_You need this, you need him. That's why you decided to end things, even if Hoseok might decide differently for himself._

Instead of climbing out of bed immediately as he should have, Hyungwon turned around in Hoseok's embrace and wrapped his arms around the broad neck. There had only been a few occasions when Hoseok stayed over and lay in his bed, but still it felt like the other man was exactly where he was supposed to be.

"Good morning," he whispered against the curved mouth and smiled, amused because it was almost five in the evening. "Time to go back to work."

Again, the round eyes were still closed, but he knew that Hoseok was awake because of the curved mouth corners that lifted at his touch and at his words.

“I would say that I don’t want to work but that would be a lie,” the other man murmured and the smile got wider before Hoseok’s dark eyes finally settled on his face. “But lying in your bed like this is indeed very intriguing. I was gone, so I don’t know if you managed to nap. Did you?”

Hyungwon hummed and kissed Hoseok's curved mouth again while wondering how both of them ended up loving their professions so much that most other things didn't matter.

_He told his wife that he could never love anything apart from his job. But what about back then?_

"I doubt that lying in bed next to me could give you the excitement that you need," he whispered and let his nails run over Hoseok's chest, simply because he loved the feeling and the resulting expression on the other man's face. "But luckily I am able to share that excitement with you. I couldn't have a better anesthetist on my side."

Hoseok let his eyes flutter shut and let out a gorgeous hiss in reaction to his nails. The other man must’ve liked it. A lot. “Don’t get me started on how much I admire you professionally. You might not be fully aware, but you are the only other source of excitement apart from work. The adrenaline rush I feel when I’m next to you, talk to you, watch you work, touch you… all of it is more than intense. I know it from back then. It was similar, not as intense, but I remember it nevertheless.”

_It was intense for him back then, but how come he never felt the same way again?_

"How come only work and me are able to make you feel this way?" he asked and briefly glanced past Hoseok at the clock that hung on the wall, making sure they still had enough time to get ready and be in time for their shifts. Since there were still a few minutes to spare, he let his nails travel lower, past Hoseok's hip bone to his muscular thighs. This time the sound was even better, breathier and less restrained.

“I’m not sure. When I broke the contact, I thought I was going to be fine after some time, but it was hell to be honest. That’s when I created that folder with the pictures and banned it to the old hard-drive. It was right before starting medical school. Then I just studied, all the time. I wasn’t interested in anyone or anything else and during my practical year I finally felt like breathing again. That’s when I thought I found a substitute for that feeling you had given me. However, none of it was an informed decision, it just happened with me. I loved you and I love work and I love you,” Hoseok breathed out, black eyes attentive and looking at him.

"Do you… still believe that you cannot love anything apart from work? Apart from… me?" It wasn't like him to sound hesitant, but it must have been the fact that Hoseok had only ever felt that way towards him. Hyungwon couldn't say that of himself as he had fallen in love after high school, sometimes more intense than others, but it was love nevertheless. It couldn't compare to what he had with Hoseok, but that was first love, wasn't it?

_You thought it has to be more intense at first and nothing else compares, but here you are, feeling it all over again._

“I love my kids. But it’s a different kind of love. It’s not the adrenaline that floods my veins and I feel like flying kind. It’s a calm kind of love. A kind of love when you feel grateful, happy and guilty, simultaneously.” Hoseok chuckled, lips spreading in a smile that looked beyond gorgeous, arms pulling him a bit closer before he felt those warm lips against his neck. “You mean why I’m so specific about it being you and my area of work? It’s easy actually, contrary to my wife’s assumption that I do not have any feelings, I do. I do, but they are very different. I like working out, I like eating well-made food, I like people who are competent and I can connect to, however, there is something distinct about my feelings towards work and towards you, and that’s the adrenaline. It’s like… imagine bungee jumping. You don’t need to do it to feel a tiny bit of the adrenaline you would have in your system when standing there facing the cliff or whatever. It’s the intensity of the feelings. There are only two things that can make me feel this way. Work and you. And I love feeling this way. It makes me feel as if I’m really living.”

_You make him feel an adrenaline rush to such a degree that nothing else compares._

Hyungwon tried to find an appropriate description of the way it felt to him, but he wasn't sure adrenaline was able to describe it. For him it wasn't the excitement that drew him in, but rather the opposite of it. He loved a feeling of comfort and control, the knowledge that he had the abilities to deal with a situation and at the same time that there was a person who understood him and shared thoughts he preferred to keep to himself. Hoseok was like a safety net that enabled him to keep control while being able to show weakness.

"It's different for me," he said eventually and exhaled softly because Hoseok's lips felt so good against his skin. Being close was tempting, but time was not on their side. "It's not adrenaline that I am seeking out, but comfort. I enjoy control and knowing that a situation is going the way I planned for it to go, but sometimes it doesn't. Somehow you pull me out of those moments, returning that feeling I need while allowing me to be weak. But just a little." Chuckling, he winked and kissed Hoseok's nose before sitting up and climbing out of bed. They had to get ready for work.

“I want to give you my control so you can give me your adrenaline,” Hoseok whispered and did the same, quickly slipping into his jeans and shirt. The other man’s gaze was on him throughout and it seemed as if it was again their way to show, to communicate how much it meant without calling it by name.

"What do I do that gives you adrenaline? My presence, the way I touch you?" Curiosity got the best of him and once he slipped into his clothes, he made his way towards Hoseok, accompanying his words by stroking over the other man's cheek and down to his collarbones. His mind returned to the intense way Hoseok responded to nails on his skin and he wondered if that had something to do with the effect he had on the other man.

_He liked it back then too but didn't dare say it._

The way Hoseok licked over his lips, eyes fluttering shut for a second and goosebumps spreading over the exposed skin were so intriguing and he enjoyed the sight for a few more moments before the other man caught himself and managed to reply. “You want to know, huh?” Hoseok grinned and licked his lips again. “Many things actually, but at the same time it’s kind of hard to separate. Sometimes it’s the way you wipe your sweat after a long surgery. At other times it’s how your bottom lip trembles when I did something that hurt you. Sometimes it’s your low voice when you talk to me, telling stories about work, about yourself. Then it’s your nails and the look in your eyes when you bury them in my skin, fuck that one is so intense that I even dreamt about it.”

Hyungwon swallowed, using that self-control he kept talking about. Hoseok was beautiful and the way the other man showed his emotions on his face, without even trying to hide them, drove him absolutely mad. His eyes travelled to the clock again, but there were no minutes to spare, not even for the briefest of encounters. He sighed, leaned in to lick a stripe from the dip in Hoseok's collarbone to his earlobe before moving back again.

"If it wasn't this late already, I would ravish you now. The expression on your face drives me mad," he muttered and checked the contents of the bag he usually took to work, making sure everything was in place. It distracted him from the fact that he wanted Hoseok and knew that he couldn't see him whenever he felt like it and had time to spare.

_It feels so perfect that you forget that you're still bound in another relationship and he has a wife. A wife that treats him like somebody who is unable to feel emotions and cannot want to be with a man._

"When will I see you again?" he asked quietly when they climbed into Hoseok's car and drove in the direction of the clinic. "I mean outside of work."

Hoseok took out his phone and opened the calendar when they stopped at a red light, scrolling through all the appointments. “In two days? Tuesday after the shift?” he asked, looking a bit crushed as he chewed on his lips again.

_You can't just say yes because of work._

Hyungwon would have loved to say of course, but just like Hoseok he took out his phone to glance at his shifts and whether he was even at home that night. Relief washed over him at the sight of no night shift for that day, so he nodded before smiling at how ridiculous the change was.

_Two days sounds like an eternity now._

"Can you imagine that I was fine with meeting on weekends, sometimes only every second, but here I am being upset about two days?" he asked and brushed through his hair before placing his palm on Hoseok's thigh. It felt good that way, close without any implications or words.

“I hate that I have to wait and that I have to make you wait, but at the same time I can’t stop thinking and do whatever. Seeing you at work is a blessing.” Hoseok smiled and parked close to the entrance, leaving the car and waiting for him to do the same. The other man was just wearing jeans and a black t-shirt, even though he usually made sure to wear a button down. “Now that I have even less time, I should dye my hair back to black and not bother.”

"I like it this way, but I also gave up eventually," he commented while letting his eyes roam over Hoseok's body and finally his face. Hyungwon was going to see him several times that shift, but somehow it felt different when they were still standing outside the clinic, being nothing but themselves. He smiled and gestured towards the entrance with his head. "Are you ready for a night filled with a double load of adrenaline?"

“I’m looking forward to it,” Hoseok whispered and looked around a few times, before stepping closer, curling his left arm around his waist and sinking the fingers of his left into his hair, hot lips catching his own in a deep kiss that felt more than intense. When Hoseok leaned back and the touch disappeared, the adrenaline stayed.

“Let’s go.” The other man inhaled and put both hands into the pockets of his jeans, as if to prevent himself from reaching out as he turned towards the east entrance and started walking.

Hyungwon hesitated for a few moments, watching the broad back and focusing on the tingling sensation that remained on his lips. It accompanied the quick beats of his heart in his chest, reminding him that adrenaline was what Hoseok was searching for the most.

There were two things that could make the other man feel that way. One was simple to give because it was him and Hyungwon couldn't imagine not wanting to be next to Hoseok. The other was more difficult and made him think, made him realize that even though Hoseok said work was able to give him adrenaline, it wasn't just any work.

_You have to find a way to make him return to Critical Emergency Services._

Hyungwon had promised the other man a double load of adrenaline, but he had also promised Areum to do everything in his power to give her dad his source of happiness back.

_

The pen he had been twirling around pointlessly dropped to the ground and Hyungwon sighed out loud. He had hoped to have a few surgeries along with Hoseok, but the other man mainly went through a bunch of paperwork for the next day and Hyungwon did the same with the exception that he had to catch up on the past three. One could even go as far as calling the night shift calm even though his profession never was, not really.

_Maybe you need adrenaline after all, that's why you feel like going mad without something to do with your hands._

Sighing, he reached for the pen and continued twirling it between his index and middle finger. There was paperwork to take care of and the brief 2 a.m. coffee break that he was able to share with Hoseok would have to be enough for today.

_Tomorrow you have a few surgeries, so at least you can see him then._

Hyungwon sighed once more and signed at the bottom of a surgery report as a knock sounded on his office door. There was no time for him to ask the person to enter as the door handle was already pushed down and one of the assistant doctors assigned to the night shift stormed in and talked without any proper breaks to help him understand what the hell was going on.

_It's bad and you have to be fast, the rest she'll have to tell you on the way._

"I'll come with you and you'll tell me all of that again slower and from the beginning," he commented and dropped the pen on the table before grabbing his hospital card and hurrying after his colleague.

"Is a transfer necessary due to neural damage?" he asked because that made the most sense considering that Dr. Roth wasn't part of neurosurgery and mainly worked in the emergency department.

_Neurology is basically deserted today, so you'll have to jump in._

“There is a problem because the Swiss Air Rescue brought a patient, but there is something wrong with the emergency doctor on board, you need to look at him,” the woman muttered as they rushed up the stairs to the helicopter platform. Thankfully his lab coat was some protection from the cold, but still the night air combined with the adrenaline rush brought goosebumps to his skin. He could already see a person sitting on the ground, surrounded by the paramedics in charge.

Hyungwon hurried over and briefly introduced himself as he was neither familiar with the team, nor with the doctor struggling to keep his balance.

"He started babbling confusing stuff," one of the paramedics remarked and Hyungwon understood why they called him over.

_They're suspecting a stroke._

"Are you able to stand?" he asked the emergency doctor but didn't expect an affirmative reply. The man's right arm hung limply at the side, a condition that his left arm didn't share. The rush of adrenaline only increased the more seconds passed.

He quickly checked the heartbeat which was irregular and only confirmed his suspicions.

"We were supposed to press the other button, not this one." The doctor's words were slurred and included longer breaks than necessary, not to mention that Hyungwon had no idea what the other man was talking about.

_Shit._

He quickly checked the other man's eyes to have a better hint at the location of the stroke, but his vision seemed to be fine. Time was already working against them.

“We have a problem here. There’s another patient waiting who has to be transported but we’re not allowed to go without an emergency physician,” the tall paramedic commented, gesturing towards the helicopter. “It’ll take too long to access the one on call. Could you spare one of your doctors for maximum an hour?” The woman was talking to Dr. Roth which made sense because the question was about ER personnel.

_But she's the only one there._

He could see that Dr. Roth got nervous, pointing out that there was no other emergency doctor available for the night shift. It was a lot of pressure for somebody who just started out and he furiously thought about a way to help.

_You need to take care of the stroke, but somebody needs to go, Hyungwon._

"I could spare somebody," he muttered, before realizing that he hadn't spoken loudly enough and repeated it a little louder. There was exactly one person that had the expertise to go and that Hyungwon had full trust in while he needed to get a CT scan for the man in front of him. As quickly as possible.

_He is perfect for this._

When attention was on him, he quickly instructed a team of available nurses to prepare their colleague for a CT scan and start an IV of tPA since the three-hour window had not yet passed.

"The anesthetist in our department, Dr. Lee, has been working in emergency medicine for several years. He should be perfectly capable to jump in."

His heart was hammering in his ears because of having to pay attention to more than a single patient at once and he reached for his phone to dial Hoseok's work phone, secretly excited that he had a reason and the opportunity to contact the other man.

_This is what he loves, isn't it? You promised Areum and now you have the chance to keep that promise._

The low voice sounded calm and he even thought that he heard a bit of excitement in Hoseok’s brief greeting.

_Adrenaline, the one thing he needs the most and that you and ER seem to be able to give him._

"I need you on the helicopter platform," he commented and paid attention to the change in breathing pattern, feeling another rush just from listening. "The emergency doctor is having a stroke and I need you to jump in, Dr. Lee."

There was silence, but only for a second, not more, before Hoseok breathed out a brief ‘coming’ and hung up.

"He's on his way here," he told the paramedics and Dr. Roth who looked visibly relieved. Time was running out, even without the detailed diagnostics, but he gave himself the few minutes to wait for Hoseok to appear on the helicopter platform. Hyungwon had to make sure that the other man was fine before hurrying back to the neurosurgery department.

It didn’t take long until the broad figure hurried from the roof entrance to the air rescue team, throwing off his coat and quickly slipping into the typical red jacket. It seemed so natural, as if Hoseok belonged there, effortlessly collecting the equipment and putting it back into the helicopter before jumping inside and pulling the door closed. The other man must not have seen him, so focused on what he was doing that he failed to recognize him standing on the side and watching.

Hyungwon wasn't able to see Hoseok anymore, but the effect the sight had on him remained. He felt in awe, fascinated by how Hoseok was able to slip into his role as if it had been created for him, like clothes that were tailored to his body. He walked the few steps towards the white coat lying on the ground, discarded because this wasn't the role that Hoseok should have been playing.

_He's not meant to be sitting around doing paperwork. He's meant to be right there, slipping into a red jacket and jumping into a helicopter to save lives._

His eyes remained focused on the machine, yearning to see more of that professionalism, but his phone rang and he had to leave the platform because the rotor blades started moving. Hurrying down the stairs and towards the neurosurgery department, he realized that the two of them were in love with their jobs, but only he was right in his element whereas Hoseok had left his.

_He is made for this, Hyungwon. He has to return to emergency medicine._

As always, time felt like a surreal concept when he was dressed in surgery attire and had gloves covering his hands, ready to perform a thrombectomy and improve another person's life. Hyungwon loved every single second of it, the way he had to keep his hands still, how his calm demeanor influenced the rest of the team and calmed them down in return, how in control he was of the situation and how the new CT scan showed the blood flow was restored quickly and with minimal damage.

It felt amazing and when he removed his gloves, cap and changed back into his white coat, he wondered if that was the feeling that Hoseok meant. He couldn't imagine that surgery was able to make the other man feel that way, for that the expression on Hoseok's face had been too different. The controlled and automated actions weren't comparable to the way Hoseok acted as an anesthetist, even if the other man was competent in both areas.

_You are also able to do neurology, but it doesn't make you feel the way performing surgeries does._

He couldn't imagine being next to what he loved but unable to do it. Hoseok spoke of constantly running away from the things he loved, but if he managed to stay next to Hyungwon, then maybe he was also able to return to emergency medicine.

_The two things that give him what he needs._

Walking along the hallway towards the emergency department, he was positively surprised to see Dr. Roth coming his way and instantly smiled. He was glad to deliver good news as the thrombectomy had gone well and their colleague was stable.

“Dr. Chae! How did it go?” she asked visibly excited and smiling.

"He's stable. We were lucky because you reacted quickly and he was already back at the hospital," he replied and wasn't able to contain the urge to ask about Hoseok. "I hope the second patient was safely taken care of. Have you seen Dr. Lee after his return?"

“Yes! I wanted to thank you for recommending Dr. Lee, he did an amazing job. Apparently, the pilot knew him from his time in Bern and was happy to see him. The Air rescue team would have had a major problem if you didn’t ask Dr. Lee, so thank you so much again. He even recognized spleen damage and stabilized the patient before transporting him here. He should be around, they landed twenty minutes ago.”

_He's perfect, Hyungwon._

"I'm glad I could help," he remarked, feeling impatient because he wanted to see Hoseok and know how he felt, whether it was able to give him the adrenaline that he loved so much.

Excusing himself, he smiled once more and hurried towards the on-call room to see if the other man was there. When he couldn't find him, Hyungwon tried the rest room, wondering if Hoseok was exhausted after the sudden emergency and the need to jump in. But Hoseok wasn't there either and not even the coffee machine showed any sign of the other man.

_He's nowhere to be found._

The situation felt familiar, but mostly in relation to himself. Hoseok was acting the way Hyungwon did when he didn't want to be found, hiding away to deal with his own demons and mistakes.

_But she had nothing but praise for him, so is it his past mistakes catching up with him?_

Hyungwon's feet carried him towards the PET-CT room, quickly and without hesitation as if he already knew where to find Hoseok. When there were no scans it was the darkest and best place to be alone, to beat oneself up without anybody knowing until one could return to being functional.

_But you won't let him, just like he wouldn't have let you._

Entering the pitch-black room, he walked behind the huge scanner, aware that one couldn't be seen from the entrance. In the farthest corner, hidden from sight, he found Hoseok. The other man was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees and face buried between them. The white coat was still in his office, so Hoseok was wearing the simple black shirt and blue jeans, making him look even more vulnerable somehow.

_He must be feeling so miserable._

"Let me hold you," he whispered as he kneeled next to the other man and wrapped his arms around him, pulling Hoseok's head against his chest. His fingers immediately found their way into soft strands and he raked through them, feeling relief simply because he was able to be close to Hoseok again. "I heard you were amazing, Hoseok. Fucking amazing."

“Mhm,” the low voice hummed and it sounded almost normal, but the wetness against his exposed neck told a different story. “Is the emergency physician okay? He’s okay, right? I’m not even questioning it because I know that you were the one in charge, I just don’t know what else to say.”

"He's stable after the thrombectomy." Hyungwon kissed the top of Hoseok's head and kept stroking over the other man's hair, holding him close and wondering what exactly it was that caused Hoseok to hide away like this. "I've never seen you the way you were on that helicopter platform, but I am so glad that I did, Hoseok. You were amazing, like a fish in water, perfectly adjusted to your environment as if you were made for it."

The other man didn’t say anything and only the broad shoulders shaking in his embrace told him that Hoseok was crying. “Sorry for being like this,” Hoseok pressed out.

_What devastated him so much? Because he gave it up, one of the only two things that make him feel alive?_

"You don't have to apologize. You always enable me to show weakness, so thank you for letting me hold you when you show me yours." He placed another kiss on the top of Hoseok's head and let one hand caress the other man's back. "What is making you feel this way, Hoseok?"

A few moments of silence passed before the handsome face appeared in front of his, lips red from biting on them and cheeks wet. “What is making me feel this way? The fact that it makes me so fucking happy.”

"But why would that be a reason to cry, Hoseok?" He brushed his thumbs over the wet cheeks, drying them before catching Hoseok's curved mouth in a kiss. "Why are you keeping it from making you happy? You made the decision to stop, but that isn't final. You can also decide to start again and I can see how perfect you are for this. You make me tremble just from watching you, Hoseok."

“It makes me happy, but I’m not qualified to do it, that’s why I can’t. I made a mistake I shouldn’t have made, that’s why I can’t do this anymore even though it makes me happy. Thinking about it made me understand something very important just now.” Hoseok searched for his hand, taking it into his cold palms and lifting it to his cheek as a few tears rolled down the other man’s face. “I need to have you no matter what.”

_Because he feels like he can't have both._

"If I didn't listen to you back then and simply ended the surgery, would you say that I'm not qualified to be a surgeon anymore?" he whispered, feeling his composure fade because it was a sensitive topic, the reason he had been the one to cry in Hoseok's arms.

“No. It was such a sensitive decision and you made it under pressure, after hours of surgery. And I wouldn’t have let you.” Hoseok chuckled and leaned back, rubbing his hair against the wall as he stared straight ahead. “I made a strategic mistake. When you fly with air rescue it’s your job to make sure that the patient can be transported and you choose the clinic. I chose the clinic further away because I was focused on the head trauma even though the girl's spleen was ruptured. She could’ve been saved if I paid attention. The thing is… it’s not as if I can’t take people dying. Patients die around us often simply because of what we do every day. You know it from stroke and cancer, I know it from emergency services. You don’t call a helicopter if you’re okay. But I hadn’t slept for two nights like an idiot, taking shifts and… I worked because I didn’t want to go home and because of that a child died who could’ve lived. That's why, right now I’m right where I belong. Where I have enough time to react and more people to tell me that I’m wrong if I’m about to make a mistake. But still, I keep loving it. It doesn’t stop, you know? It really doesn’t.”

_He blames himself so much, enough to forsake his own happiness the way he did back then, with you._

"I don't think it has to stop, Hoseok," he whispered and raked through the other man's hair, wondering how to make him understand that even if he made a mistake, he knew better now. He smiled, realizing that he could repeat the same words Hoseok had used. "It was a sensitive decision and you made it under pressure. I’ve also made bad decisions because of lack of sleep. It's part of the job and something we try to control as best as we can. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. You're not the same person that you were back then either, Hoseok. You change, you learn from mistakes and most importantly you are able to make decisions quickly, decisions that save human lives more often than not. You don't have to stay away from what makes you happy. You tried to run away from me because you were scared, but in the end we're here, so maybe… it's worth a try to stop running away one more time?"

Hoseok didn’t reply, eyes fluttering shut and leaning into his touch. A few seconds passed filled with silence and the other man’s rough breaths. “I have no idea. I just know that I can’t run away from you because I won’t be able to exist loving the two things that make me happy but unable to have them. Thank you. Thank you for calling me and reminding me that you don’t just stop loving only because you can’t have it.”

"I didn't let you run away from me and I won't let you run away from what you love doing either, Hoseok." Hyungwon smiled and drew nonsensical patterns on Hoseok's back, enjoying the warmth they shared in the dark.

“I don’t know about that. The only thing I know is that I love you so much that I’m going mad just thinking about having to give you up,” Hoseok whispered, sinking his fingers into his hair and leaning forward to kiss him deeply, lips tasting salty but feeling so incredibly warm.

Hyungwon didn't say the three words back, because Hoseok knew that he felt the same. It was there in the way he held the other man, how he felt the need to make him happy, no matter how, and finally how their lips met in a desperate attempt to once again forget about everything but the other.

When their lips separated and round, almost black eyes met his, he smiled and let his index finger travel over Hoseok's nose down to the other man's lips and finally his neck, enjoying the feeling of his skin.

"I won't let you," he breathed out.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 11

“I’m home,” he murmured, entering his big house and not expecting to get a reply because Yura was supposed to come home in half an hour and he came extra early to be able to breathe and prepare to address what had been on his mind for a few days now.

_You’re a mess and she must see it too. Even if it’s only in those few moments where she actually sees you._

Hoseok had tried to keep their encounters minimal, mostly focused on planning, kids and WhatsApp conversations about who had to be where when. The usual.

_She said as long as it works she doesn’t care what you’re doing._

Of course, he could act as if he was okay with it. As if it was only about having his free time and fucking around with somebody else because it was exciting, but that wasn’t the reason and maybe his wife was able to sense it, expertly avoiding him as a reaction.

_But something changed and you suddenly feel the urgency crawling under your skin._

It was true, he felt uneasy, trying to expedite the events, the routine, until he was finally able to breathe. The time didn’t come, he continued going to work, doing surgeries and being around Hyungwon, he continued coming home only to sleep and drink a coffee in the morning, but it needed to change because he knew that he couldn’t take not having the things he loved. Not all of them.

_It’s enough that you can’t do air rescue._

The thought made his lungs clench and he glanced at the fancy wine fridge because his first reaction still suggested that he needed to numb that feeling like during the first eight weeks after he stopped flying out, sedating himself. It was easy, not enough to be unable to work next morning but enough to numb the pain.

_But you wanted to go to his place, you can’t be drunk, you need to drive._

Maybe he should take a cab? The fridge looked intriguing, but what was more intriguing was the feeling that he knew, that he would not feel all the burning pain in his lungs if he just drank a glass or two.

_It’s been two days, but it still feels like a dream. He’s like magic. Appearing out of nowhere and reminding you of all the things you loved and continue loving because love doesn’t stop only because you decide that you’re not worthy._

Chuckling bitterly, he slowly slipped out of his shoes as if in trance and watched his feet as they carried him to the wine fridge, moving to his hands as he took out a bottle and quickly opened it, pouring the yellowish liquid into a glass and taking a sip.

_You stopped drinking on weekdays, didn’t you?_

Another bitter chuckle followed and he let the taste of the wine blur his senses and the memories of his Sunday shift, when Hyungwon asked him to fly again, to be on air rescue again, to feel the way he loved feeling the most and experience the happiness he forgot existed. The happiness that made him cry because he knew that he wasn’t worthy.

The pilot remembered him from his time in Bern and they exchanged a few stories from back then as he transported the patient with a ruptured spleen to the hospital, making sure that he did everything right, that he was prepared for every eventuality. Suddenly each second that he spent in the helicopter and prepared for takeoff seemed to pass in slow motion, that was the reason why it had never been stressful to him. It was important. It had been his happiness, what made him different from others, his ability to make decisions under pressure, loving the process and trying his everything to keep the patients safe and take them to the ER so that they could be treated.

_It’s been a few months but it didn’t fade. You still love it more than anything. You still do, even though you know that you can’t do it anymore. It will be the same with him. You know that it will._

Another sip of his wine and he sunk into the comfortable couch, leaning against the backrest and glancing at the ceiling. Yura had taken Areum and Riku to her parents over the holidays, so both of them could work like crazy, but he couldn’t help but feel uneasy this time.

_Because you feel as if many things will change during this week._

If he couldn’t have his professional happiness, he wanted to do what he could to try keeping his private happiness at least. He didn’t do anything to be unworthy of it. He just hoped that he could have it without hurting anybody else. Hurting his children.

_You feel fucking guilty even though you have no idea what it is that you want to achieve. What do you even want, Hoseok?_

He had no idea. The only feeling that was there apart from the slight burning of the wine in his stomach was the feeling that he shouldn’t be here. That he was supposed to be next to the tall black-haired man who probably didn’t know how thankful Hoseok was for that one hour that he was able to feel happy again. That he was able to experience that feeling again. The adrenaline and the calmness that he only felt when he was wearing that red jacket and working in an environment, others didn’t want to be in.

He smiled thinking about the flight, how comfortable he felt, how well he was prepared, even though Hyungwon’s call had caught him off guard and he only said yes because he didn’t think. Because it was automatic. Saying yes to every single shift, to every air transfer outside of his usual working hours, he had done it before and it seemed as if nothing has changed.

When the door opened and he saw his wife coming in, taking off her shoes and walking towards him cheerfully, he wasn’t sure anymore. Something did change.

_Because you didn’t mind before. You didn’t care who was next to you because there was only one thing that you wanted and your mind was on hold when you stopped flying in the helicopter or resuscitating patients in the ER._

“Relaxing?” Yura asked and sat next to him, lifting her legs on his lap. It felt weird. As if he wasn’t supposed to be here on the couch, drinking wine with his wife’s legs on his lap. It wasn’t what he wanted. It was…

_A habit._

Shifting a bit, Hoseok took another sip of his wine and put his glass on the coffee table before turning to Yura and carefully putting the soft legs on the couch instead of his thighs.

“We need to talk. The issue won’t just disappear only because you act as if I’m tired and then try not to address it again.”

Yura sighed and threw her head back, before the dark eyes finally settled on his face and she replied. She seemed annoyed.

“Why? Are you going to act as if you’re in love with a man again? Come on, you’re thirty-five years old, Hoseok. It’s really not the time for this, okay? I am so relaxed now after dropping off the kids and looking forward to a week of peace and quiet, so I just want to enjoy it. Can’t you just wait until whatever you're going through is over? You don’t need to tell me anything, really. Just leave me out of this, do whatever you like and stop ignoring it when I wear the black gown, it makes me think that you don’t like me.”

_What?_

First, he didn’t even know what to say, but inhaled, wondering if that is what happened when two people just lived next to each other without communicating. “You don’t care? As long as I just have your legs on my lap, don't say anything and fuck you if you wear your gown? Really? Was that what you meant when you said that you’re fine with me loving work and nothing else?”

_You could’ve said it differently, why would you be so mean?_

"Excuse me? You don't want to have sex because you're fucking somebody else? That's fine? Just don't act as if you're suddenly not okay with how we worked our relationship out when we agreed on getting married years ago. It had been fine and we were both perfectly okay with this, so I don't understand why you're suddenly into getting your thighs scratched and having so much need to tell me about your feelings when you haven’t had any all these years. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with you not having feelings, you were honest, told me what I could get and I told you what I wanted. You said yes. Just do me the favor and don't give me more stress than I already have with work. We never argued about anything and I really want to keep it that way. I will respect that you don't want to have sex, but I won't accept that you are suddenly trying to make me uncomfortable in the only place I feel comfortable." The gaze was a bit hostile and Yura crossed her arms in front of her chest but without moving back. "Are you going crazy because you can't go on the helicopter every free second that you're breathing? Then just go. Gosh. It's not hard or is it? You have all the qualifications, just do it here at the Zurich base. Maybe your mind will stop malfunctioning."

_Is your mind malfunctioning?_

"Is that your problem? You think that I'm malfunctioning? Who knows, maybe I am," Hoseok whispered and reached for his glass, emptying his wine and standing up. "You don't want to talk about this, but it won't make it disappear, Yura. It's too late," he whispered and listened to the sounds of his own steps as he walked to the dishwasher and put the glass inside. "I'm not going to sleep at home tonight."

It was quiet and without the kids it seemed as if the house died down, as if the building was without its soul.

_As if there's no reason to be here._

His wife observed him from the couch without saying a single word, not when he went upstairs to take a shower, staring at the glass wall, not when he came down dressed in a grey silk shirt and fitted slacks and even when he slipped into his shoes, she kept quiet. Only when his fingers wrapped around the handle and he pushed it down the familiar voice sounded behind him.

"I'm not going to let you fuck this up," Yura said, loud and clear, without leaving any room for misunderstandings. Communicating clearly that she didn't care about what he wanted if it somehow upended their current way of life, but it did. Of course, it did. He wanted to have Hyungwon no matter what and Yura's response only made it clearer.

Clearer and harder to achieve.

Hoseok didn't say anything because the only answer would've been that this was already fucked up. That there was nothing much to fuck up emotionally because they didn't seem to have a connection to each other. They were strangers in a way. Strangers to their respective minds.

_That's why she thinks that you're malfunctioning. Because she doesn't know you._

Half a glass was okay so he took out his keys and drove to the already familiar apartment that felt like a hide out. A place where it was okay to feel the way he wanted to feel, but instead of only looking forward to it, he was bothered. Bothered by the talk he just had, by Yura's reaction, by her lack of understanding and lack of will to listen to him.

_For her you're the one breaking things._

Sighing, he put on a smile because he didn't want to be affected. He didn't want to seem affected when he was at the place he actually wanted to be and pressed the bell.

The door opened and he was met with Hyungwon's gorgeous face, a little blushed from a shower and partially hidden away from sight by the white towel that the other man used to dry his hair. Hyungwon was already dressed in tight jeans and a t-shirt, partially soaked at the shoulders where his hair had dripped down.

"Come in," the other man commented with a smile and gestured for him to enter. "I just made a pot of tea. It's whiskey tea and I hoped it might satisfy both of our preferences."

"You satisfy all my preferences," he muttered in reply before taking off his shoes and walking deeper into the apartment. It smelled good, like tea and shower. It was hard to resist leaning in and inhaling Hyungwon's scent, so he didn't, carefully wrapping his arm around the other man's hips and pulling him close enough to know which shower gel he used. "You smell so good," he whispered before letting go and sighed. "I needed that."

"Me too," Hyungwon replied with a smile and wrapped his arms around his neck, lips instantly pressing a kiss to the top of his head. The other man's long fingers brushed a strand away from his face before leaning back sufficiently to look at him.

"You are an amazing doctor, but there is one thing you're really bad at, Hoseok. Always were." Those plump lips were spread in a smile as Hyungwon's index finger traced the form of his curved lips. "Faking smiles."

"But people love my fake smiles," he commented and grinned. "You don't like it?" Winking once, Hoseok relaxed, leaning against the wall. "The kids are gone for a week and I tried addressing my thoughts with Yura. It didn't go well, but I didn't want to bother you either. I want to be happy when I'm with you, not thinking about empty words."

"And I want you to feel at ease with me. You don't have to pretend and if something is bothering you, then I hope that I can make it better." Hyungwon stepped closer and placed his palm right next to his face while the other arm wrapped around him. Warm lips touched his own and he could feel how Hyungwon smiled, enjoying the moment instead of deepening the kiss. "I love you."

"Mhm. I love you too," he murmured. It felt good but at the same time it didn't solve anything.

_Maybe you can't solve it._

"Did you talk to your boyfriend? Or are you okay with how it's currently going…?" Hoseok let go and pushed himself off the wall.

"No," Hyungwon replied immediately and walked the few steps towards the kitchen to fill two cups with tea that he prepared in advance. "Because I selfishly want you for myself."

A sigh followed and Hyungwon gestured for him to come along to the living room where the tall man sat down on the couch and threw his long legs over the armrest.

"I called him and asked to meet tomorrow evening, even though it's not a weekend and he sounded surprised. I wanted to talk to him in person, but I also didn't warn him what it's about to not ruin the next two days for him. I'll be ruining enough days after that."

Hoseok felt a bit sorry for the guy that he had wanted to meet to talk about workout routines so many times but immediately lost interest after knowing about his connection to Hyungwon. In the end the relationship had been part of the positive things that the other man highlighted. Finally finding a partner who didn't give him a guilty conscience because of his working environment.

_And he's about to give it up._

He must've been crazy to ask, but somehow, he felt like asking. "Are you sure that you want to end things with him?"

"What?" Hyungwon lifted his gaze that had been focused on his cup of whiskey tea and looked at him for a few long seconds, as if searching for something on his face, an explanation probably. "You're wondering if I'm sure that I'd rather be with somebody that I'm in love with than with somebody who seems to satisfy my need for company? Yes, yes, I am sure, Hoseok. I'm also sure that even though I would never force you to do the same, especially since you have children, I still feel the uncontrollable need to tell your wife to stop making you miserable by asking you to be a robot."

_He's about to end his relationship but instead of being upset over the changes that it will bring about he's worrying about you and Yura's expectations towards you._

"Who knows, maybe she's right. Maybe I'm just malfunctioning and should be happily fucking you after she generously suggested to shut up and do whatever I want as long as it doesn't change the status quo." He exhaled and followed Hyungwon to the living room, sitting on the couch. It had similarities to his habits, but still it felt different because it wasn't a habit. He was here because that's where he wanted to be.

"I wonder if she's happy like this. Happy to keep your relationship going like a business without the feelings that we have found in each other." Suddenly, Hyungwon chuckled and placed the hot cup of tea in front of him on the coffee table. "But then again, we also thought we were happy until this, didn't we? It doesn't make sense when you're not the one experiencing it. It was all fine, so she must be wondering why it isn't anymore."

"I don't know if she's happy, but she must have been before. Why else would she try to keep it? She's only mad because- I wasn't really able to be close anymore, even though it's kind of a habit and for her it must be the same, so she was upset about not having it. She simply wants everything to stay the way it was. I think this arrangement suits her and now she feels like I'm breaking it. I mean, I kind of am. Maybe that's why she said that she won't let me…" Hoseok turned to look at the handsome features that he missed. Even though they had plenty of opportunities to see each other at work, it was different when they entered the hospital. They both loved their jobs, so there was not much apart from a few glances and sometimes a squeeze of a hand or shoulder after a surgery. Hoseok missed him so fucking much.

_And he's so beautiful. So freaking beautiful that you could look at him for days._

Hyungwon listened intently, watching him silently until the other man shifted and placed his head on top of his lap, putting a pleasant weight on his thighs and spreading warmth.

"It's not about whether she will let you. It is about whether you want to, Hoseok. If you didn't want to break what you have, I would understand. But this isn't about your decision. It's about her not wanting change even though it’s already happened."

Fingers stroked over his chest and travelled up to his face, cupping it as Hyungwon smiled up at him.

"I thought about you so much that it's almost surreal to be this close."

"I'm torn between ripping the clothes from your body and spending an hour observing how your lips move when you talk," he whispered, smiling back and placing one palm against one of Hyungwon's big hands. "It won't work this way, but I guess she's hoping that it'll pass. I was wondering if it would, but now I'm positive that it'll just stay and remind me of how much I want you every day."

"You could watch my lips talk and rip my clothes off right after." Hyungwon hummed and kissed his fingers once they were close enough to his lips, gaze affectionate even if the smile slowly faded away.

"If it didn't stay, do you really think you would be fine with it? I don't think so. I don't know if the feelings will stay, but I know that the feelings from before won't return. That's not how it works, simply because something will be missing and that knowledge won't just fade away."

"How can you be so sure? How do people live if they can't have what they love and miss? They just- arrange themselves with it, I guess, and then, at some point… maybe… it stops."

"It doesn't." Hyungwon didn't even hesitate as he lifted up to kiss him before lying down on his lap again. "Maybe it's because of back then, but… I'm not somebody who accepts a situation, not anymore. I hated myself so much for giving up and not trying to find out why you stopped talking to me, so I made sure to never do it again. And here I am, unwilling to let you go. You won't be able to arrange yourself around not having me, because I won't let you, not unless the feelings change."

"They do change," he whispered, tracing Hyungwon's nose bridge with the tip of his index finger. "Because every day I find myself unable to breathe in my house and wanting you even more than I did before."

Hyungwon's face changed after his first sentence, showing a hint of fear and insecurity that transformed into relief when he finished. Lifting up again, the other man removed his legs from the arm rest and climbed on top of him instead, arms wrapped around his neck.

"It's different for me. I don't feel like I'm suffocating, but it resembled drowning in a space that is suddenly too big for me alone. You filled it out and now it's empty without you." Chewing on his lips, Hyungwon met his gaze. "Can't you just stay here? At least sometimes."

"I'm scared of how much I want to be here. I want to stay today if you let me," he murmured, feeling bad for assuming that he could when he left the house. He didn't want to go back. He wanted to stay. "I've been in love with you before and I felt helpless before too, but this time it's as if I can only look at myself getting deeper and deeper, unable to move and to breathe without you. Just that this time I don't even want to do anything about it. I want you to drown me. Just drown me, please."

Hyungwon didn't reply, but lips met his in a soft kiss that deepened with each passing second. Long fingers roamed over his shoulders until they reached his hair and intertwined with the strands, tugging lightly. Lean thighs narrowed around his own and a gasp was muffled between them as Hyungwon pulled their bodies flush.

Everything about the way Hyungwon touched him felt good, too good. The goosebumps spread on his arms and back and he leaned into the caresses, the tugs on his hair, the warm lips, hoping that the feeling would never stop. That it would continue forever. Knowing that the person he wanted was in his arms, that he could have him. At least at that moment.

"I want you," he whispered. "I want everything about you, all of you, I can't stop. I want it." The desperation influenced his words and provided them with a different feeling. They didn't sound sexy or dark only. It was more like he admitted that he was lost.

Suddenly he thought about a metaphor. The train that he considered his life to be, the train that didn't stop in the middle of its way, only because he wanted it to. Hoseok found himself standing in that train, in front of the window, ready to smash it to be able to jump out because he could taste Hyungwon's presence on his tongue, knew that there was a chance that he could have more, and maybe, just maybe have it all.

The train was going full speed, he knew and he felt scared to get hurt, but at the same time he was ready to jump.

***

Being alone in his own apartment still felt surreal even if it shouldn't have.

The moment Hoseok entered through the door, the walls stopped being a bland grey and transformed into a vibrant white. The black leather couch didn't stick to Hyungwon's skin anymore and turned into warm thighs that brushed over his own. Even the tea he had bought for Hoseok didn't taste like nothing anymore but seemed delicious for as long as they shared each other's company.

Hyungwon loved every second that he was able to enjoy the other man's presence, even if the place Hoseok came from left a mark on his smile, turning it into a forced one.

_She's making him miserable without realizing, probably thinking that she's doing both of them a favor._

The fact that their time together was limited frustrated him the most. It meant that Hoseok had another place to be and despite knowing that it was inevitable, Hyungwon couldn't help but detest it. Had their situations been different, he could have been with Hoseok whenever there was a free second, whenever they had some time away from work.

_You've reached the point where you don't want to fill that time with anything but him._

The desperate attempts with which Hoseok kissed back, wrapped his arms around him and told him how much he wanted him spoke for themselves. Curved lips almost begged him to drown the other man, to let him forget about everything else but him.

_There's nothing you'd rather do._

Heat spread through his body and Hyungwon let his fingers slide in between the strands of Hoseok's hair, tugging at them because he loved the feeling of it and the sounds that it evoked from the other man's throat. He wanted to hear more of them, to drown Hoseok in his affection and pleasure simultaneously. His hands yearned to leave red lines on muscular thighs, there to see for everybody who dared to look.

_Are you trying to prove something?_

There was no need to prove anything. Hyungwon could tell that Hoseok was in love with him, even without hearing it every day. The other man's actions told more than words and there was no need to leave marks to feel at ease.

_You only need his presence to feel at ease._

"I'm going to make you mine again, Hoseok," he whispered and let his teeth travel over Hoseok's neck, nibbling on it and enjoying the taste on his tongue. His fingers playfully tugged at the silky strands at the same time, producing gasps that he easily caught with his mouth.

"Take me," the low voice whispered, breathier than a few seconds before. "I want you to take all of me just like you want it."

_You don't want to share him._

The thought caught him off guard since he had never felt possessive before, not to that degree. That was one of the reasons his past relationship was a non-exclusive one. But now that it was about Hoseok, he detested the mere thought of the other man being with somebody else, staying next to the woman that turned his smile upside down.

_Is it jealousy or protectiveness?_

He couldn't tell and Hoseok's gasps were an addictive distraction from his concerns. Hyungwon bit down on a patch of skin right above Hoseok's collarbone and felt his body tingle from the goosebumps that appeared and the way the other man twitched against the fabric of his pants.

"Will I be able to keep it?" he asked and applied more pressure to his grip on Hoseok's hair.

"Yes. Do you want to keep me?" Hoseok asked in return, head thrown back due to the pull on the brown hair and baring his neck.

_Can he promise that so easily?_

"I do," he murmured against the warm skin and licked a path towards Hoseok's ear before sucking the round earlobe into his mouth. His fingers applied pressure to Hoseok's sides and thighs in the meantime, scratching over his clothes. When he had enough of the distance, he slipped his hand under Hoseok's shirt and stroked over the muscular abdomen. His fingers were quick to find erect nipples and play with them, pulling soft moans from Hoseok's lips. "I want you to be mine alone."

"I've never thought about it, about being somebody else's. But I want to belong to you. I want to be yours, I want you to take me. Take me." Hoseok sounded desperate when he spread his muscular legs and pulled him flush against his body. Still the other man gasped at his touches and the rough pulls on his hair.

_He doesn't want to be the one deciding anymore. He wants you to take over, Hyungwon._

Hyungwon hummed and barely contained the way his hands trembled from excitement. Hoseok was beautiful as he leaned against the couch, head thrown back against the backrest and lips parted in another moan. Each tug of his hand resulted in another gorgeous sound and Hyungwon couldn't help repeating the motion and observing the effect it had on Hoseok's stunning body. The other man's black eyes shut for a few moments at a time before they opened and focused on him, as if Hoseok didn't want to miss a single second of what he was doing to him.

"Let me play with you," he whispered into Hoseok's ear and finally removed the shirt that landed on the floor behind the couch. The fingers of his right hand were quick to unbutton Hoseok's jeans while his left massaged nipples and scratched over defined abdominal muscles as he sank to his knees. "Tell me if you don't like something."

As before he combined sensations, fascinated by the sounds and by how wonderful Hoseok felt beneath his fingertips. Like this on the couch, it seemed as if the other man was really his, observing him in fascination and waiting to feel more.

"I don't like when there are other thoughts in my head, distracting me from how your hands feel against my skin," Hoseok whispered, voice a bit hoarse and delicate fingers dancing over his shoulders.

"Then I'm going to make them disappear." He smiled and pulled Hoseok's jeans and underwear down his legs, throwing them aside to join the shirt. Once the other man was completely naked, he began by attaching his lips to his thighs and leaving small marks along them, creating patterns. His hands roamed over Hoseok's stomach and sides in the meantime, applying pressure right when he reached Hoseok's groin to lick over his already wet tip. Hyungwon wanted him to feel everything at once, so much that no coherent thought could form in his mind.

_Nothing beyond your eyes, hands and lips._

"Just like that," Hoseok breathed out, hands encouraging him, but not more. As if the other man had given up his control, just like he promised.

Hyungwon enjoyed it so much that his own arousal flared up, showing through the bulge in his pants and the heat that he felt in his cheeks and groin. Still, his attention remained focused on Hoseok and his pleasure-stricken face as he kept playing with the tip and using his hands to massage Hoseok's balls.

When a particularly beautiful moan entered his ears, he reached for Hoseok's muscular thigh and placed it on top of his shoulder to have more access. He used his right hand to stroke all of Hoseok's length while his lips travelled lower, sucking his balls into his mouth and nibbling on his firm butt cheek. The other man was utterly gorgeous.

A low hum sounded, slowly transitioning into a breathy moan and he could see the goosebumps on the milky skin, spreading from Hoseok's groin to his knees. "I want you to have me," Hoseok whispered again and looked at him, eyes dark and red lips parted to release the air that the other man was holding.

"I will," he whispered and licked over Hoseok's entrance, testing how sensitive the other man was and whether he enjoyed the combined sensations along with Hyungwon's fingers around his length. He wanted to climb on top of Hoseok's lap and feel him inside of him, but that would have to wait until he tasted every inch of the other man's skin.

The muscular thigh trembled on top of his shoulder and Hoseok rubbed his hair against the backrest of his couch, cursing quietly and moving his hips to feel more of his hand around his length.

Hyungwon smiled at that and applied more pressure with his fingers as he kept playing with his tongue and lips. The sounds that entered his ears made him breathless and when Hoseok's motions and reactions bordered on incoherent, he scratched over the firm thighs and finally let go.

Standing up, he pulled his t-shirt over his head and looked at Hoseok who lifted his head from the headrest and exhaled roughly. Nibbling on his bottom lip because the sight got to him, he unbuttoned his jeans and stepped closer to allow Hoseok to pull them down his legs.

"Go ahead," he whispered with a smile.

Instead of slowly undressing him, Hoseok quickly tugged down his jeans and underwear before pulling him on top of the couch. Delicate hands wrapped around his hips and his knees were placed on top of the muscular thighs. Hoseok didn't say anything and simply took him into his mouth, sucking intently and digging the tip of his pink tongue into his slit.

Hyungwon moaned loudly and would have lost his balance had Hoseok's grip not stabilized him. Pleasure seemed to replace his blood for a few seconds as it rushed through him and he grabbed Hoseok's hair, underestimating his grip at first until he loosened it to not make it too painful.

"Fuck, Hoseok-" he cursed and placed his other hand on the headrest to return control over his position. It felt amazing, so he tried it out by moving his hips a little, feeling more of Hoseok's hot mouth.

Leaning back, Hoseok simply muttered that he should fuck his mouth, licked over his curved lips and opened it, lifting his hands and at the same time roaming his chest and playing with his nipples. "Do it."

_As if he can tell exactly what you like._

Hyungwon didn't hesitate, too aroused by the implications and the expression on Hoseok's face. Chewing on his bottom lip, he tightened his grip on Hoseok's hair in order to lead him while the other wrapped around his own length. The other man's lips felt amazing and he brushed his tip over them a few times before slipping inside the hot mouth and testing out how much Hoseok could take.

"You're fucking perfect," he gasped and didn't dare to close his eyes, too fascinated by the sight of Hoseok enjoying every tug on his hair and each centimeter of his length. When he looked down he could see how intensely Hoseok reacted to what he was doing, length twitching when he pulled roughly and went deeper. Hums vibrated around him as Hoseok tried to use more tongue and must've remembered that he liked having hands roaming his body because those pretty fingers played with his nipples and made sure to touch him as much as their position enabled him to.

The combination of seeing Hoseok's reactions and the pleasure in his groin strained his endurance, so he used more strength to pull Hoseok back and allowed himself a few seconds to catch his breath.

"I'll make you mine," he gasped and sat down on the other man's lap before pressing the breathtaking body into the couch. "Wait here."

Climbing off, he made his way towards the bedroom and grabbed the bottle of lube and condoms that he kept in his bedside drawer.

When he returned to the living room, he was met with the sight of Hoseok spread-legged with his gorgeous erection on display and head resting against the black leather.

He didn't hesitate and instantly climbed on top of the muscular thighs before clashing their lips together and tasting a hint of wine. His right hand opened the bottle of lube in the meantime and he had to force himself to break the kiss, nibbling on Hoseok's bottom lip until he finally let go.

"Show me your delicate fingers. I want them inside of me."

Hoseok hummed his right hand and isolated his index and middle finger with accurately cut nails. What a blessing.

"Lead me," the low voice whispered and he could feel the other man's length twitch under him.

"You'll need one more," he commented with a smile and added the ring finger before pouring the lube over the three digits and spreading it nicely. He loved the anticipation he could read in Hoseok's eyes, how much the other man wanted him instead of being nervous.

_It's so different from back then and you like it even more. You like him more even though you didn't think that was possible._

Lifting his hips, he arranged Hoseok's hand between his legs and isolated the index and middle finger first before relaxing and rubbing the digits over his entrance to spread the lube.

"I touched myself thinking of you in the hope that I could have you today," he whispered and kissed Hoseok as he held the digits steady and carefully slipped them inside of himself, gasping into the kiss. When both fingers disappeared inside of him, he let go and rolled his hips a little to focus on the way it felt. A soft moan left his lips when Hoseok brushed right where it felt good and goosebumps spread over his thighs.

"I'm going to drive you mad, Hoseok." He smiled and grabbed a handful of the brown hair, pulling Hoseok's head back before licking over his jaw and neck. Smiling, he purposefully contracted around the digits as he moved his hips. "Can you feel that?"

"I can feel that you're driving me crazy. I want you so much, I want you to be mine," the other man breathed out and moaned when he contracted around the fingers once again.

_Touching you alone already drives him mad._

"Then make me yours," Hyungwon replied and moaned loudly when he sped up his motions and pushed down his hips roughly. It felt almost perfect and when Hoseok curled his fingers just right, he groaned out loud.

"Show me how, I want to know, show me," Hoseok muttered, chewing on his lips in between the gasps that left his curved lips.

_By staying for good._

"Take me," he breathed out against Hoseok's lips, lifting up his hips because he felt impatient and reached for a condom to pull it over Hoseok's length. He grabbed the lube next and poured some on Hoseok's tip before spreading it quickly with his right hand.

One arm wrapped around Hoseok's neck, he used the other to line the thick erection up with his hips and brushed the tip over his entrance, teasing Hoseok a little. When his own impatience and the gorgeous twitching caught up with him, he finally sat down, trembling because he loved the sensation of being filled out so much.

"Take me," he repeated before kissing Hoseok and rolling his hips, "and be with me instead."

A glance at the handsome face showed him Hoseok's parted lips, releasing air quickly, the black eyes focused on his face and the prominent blush on the usually pretty pale cheeks. Hoseok looked affected, in awe, and he couldn't tell if it was the way he felt from the inside or the words that he spoke.

"Will I be able to give you what you need?" the low voice asked, sounding a bit unstable.

Hyungwon moaned as he sank down again, fingers tingling as they left half-moon formed marks in Hoseok's shoulders.

"You already are," he breathed out and sucked Hoseok's bottom lip into his mouth, combining their sounds of pleasure in the space between their lips.

Hoseok's breaths got louder, lips travelling along his neck towards his ear and sucking on his skin, accompanied by breathy sounds when he moved his hips. A few times, Hoseok tried to meet his motions by thrusting up but didn't take initiative, leaving the control to him and enjoying the nails in his skin.

"This feels so fucking good," he moaned, speaking his mind to let Hoseok know that he loved every second of it. He basked in the lips on his neck, the way the other man filled him out and the warm hands that still roamed over his skin and stabilized his hips. It felt so good that he wanted to see what Hoseok could do, how he could make him feel if he dared to move himself. "Go rough on me. I'll let you."

"I was about to ask you if riding is your favorite position," the other man whispered before wrapping his fingers around his hips and thrusting up, accompanied by a loud moan. "Like this? Should I turn? Would you like me standing? Tell me."

Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut, overwhelmed by how good it felt and didn't reply at first. His mind tried to make sense of Hoseok's words as pleasure burned its way through his body.

"Fuck me standing," he gasped eventually, ignoring the fact that he hadn't let anybody do that because he didn't have enough control over his position.

_But you want to let him._

After the other man nodded briefly, Hyungwon felt light suddenly, lifted in the air by Hoseok's arms and feeling the delicate fingers around his thighs.

Instead of pushing him against the wall, Hoseok leaned against it himself before lifting him higher and moving his hips to try out the position. The round eyes were watching him intently, lips parted and releasing breathy sounds that were so attractive.

_You need to have him, all of him._

He wrapped his arms tightly around Hoseok's neck and willed himself to relax. Hoseok was holding him in position, but Hyungwon basked in the feeling of it, the hands touching him and the thickness filling him out. Holding the eye contact, he shifted just enough to perfect the angle and trembled as his vision turned white.

"Shit," he gasped because the pleasure was making him dizzy and he trusted Hoseok to hold onto him as he focused on the feeling.

Hoseok didn't say anything, but the way those hands held onto him, how the muscular body enveloped him, how those rough exhales entered his ears told him that the other man must've felt a similar way. Making a gorgeous sound, Hoseok moved making him feel dizzy but better, rolling his hips into his body, using the fact that he was relaxed to make the slide easier and more enjoyable.

His release built up gradually, reinforced by each glance at the other man's face. Hoseok was so beautiful and even though Hyungwon could barely form a coherent thought, he still knew that he needed to have him, all of him. Not only brief moments in the evening that lasted until dawn, but all of it.

"Be mine," he moaned and let his fingers slip into Hoseok's hair to tug at it while the other slipped between their bodies, wrapping around his length to throw him over the edge. "Please."

"Take me," Hoseok whispered back and moved faster, moans raining from the curved lips as he felt the thick length twitch inside him shortly before he came into his own hand.

Hyungwon struggled to catch his breath and where he would have usually chuckled as he switched to after care and cleaning up, he simply strengthened his grip on Hoseok's neck and curled his legs tighter around the other man's hips. He didn't want to let go and he hated the thought of Hoseok leaving again because he lived somewhere else, because he was only a guest in his apartment even though it felt empty without him.

"You belong here," he whispered and buried his face in the warm neck. "With me."

"I don't know. I just know that I don't want to be anywhere else," Hoseok whispered in reply, voice rough and still catching his breath after sex. "I keep waiting for something to feel off, to make me 'wake up' but somehow it seems as if I've only been awake since I met you again and not the other way around."

"It won't happen," he whispered, realizing the truth of his words for himself. "It didn't back then and even now that we’ve both changed I feel like it will happen even less. There's something about you and that something pulls me in."

"I don't know what to do with the knowledge that I met you and liked you again, that I love how you feel, how you speak. I love watching you work, your scent, your demanding character, your honesty. That you tell me that you want me and make it so much more obvious how much I want you in return. I don't want to be anywhere else. Even if I have to jump out of the window."

Again, Hyungwon wanted to say 'stay', to make it sound like it was so easy, a decision that shouldn't take more than a second. But it wasn't. It was so much more than that, so he didn't say anything this time and merely pressed his lips to Hoseok's neck in the hope that he would understand.

"I love you," the low voice whispered into his ear, arms still holding him safely. "I won't run away this time."

_He's going to stay?_

Hyungwon's hands shook and even though he hated it, he didn't try to contain it this time. Hiding the obvious sign of his emotions felt like lying and he wanted to be truthful to Hoseok, to show him what he was doing to him.

"What do you mean?" he asked quietly and lifted his head to meet Hoseok's gaze.

The black eyes jumped from his eyes to his lips and back before the low voice finally replied. "I mean that I won't run away thinking that I will get over loving you. My brain and my heart hurt when I think about what it all means. The guilt I feel because of my decisions and the future is no joke, but I want to be happy like this, with you. I don't think this road will be an easy one, but still I want it. I want to be yours, Hyungwon."

_He means it._

Adrenaline rushed through his veins and mixed with happiness that post orgasmic bliss wasn't able to explain. Hyungwon had imagined it many times, thought about what it might be like if he could have Hoseok and the other man decided to be with him despite everything.

_But you never quite believed that it would happen._

There were so many strings holding the other man, wrapping around his legs and keeping him in place. Some of them were so thick that strength wasn't enough while others seemed to have no end, no place where one could untie them. Hyungwon struggled because he had to hurt another person because of his own feelings, but for Hoseok it was much more than that. It was changing the life of two human beings that depended on him.

_You can't let him do this alone. Both of you were alone for long enough._

"I want to make it easier for you," he murmured and covered the blushed cheeks with kisses before adding one to Hoseok's curved mouth. "I want to support you in every way I can. You don't have to do any of this alone. I'm here for you, Hoseok. I love you."

A bright smile spread Hoseok's cheeks and the other man carefully carried him to the bathroom, showing that he had gotten hard again while they talked. When his feet stepped on the cold tiles and the round black eyes still focused on him, he realized that somehow the familiar gaze felt warm this time.

"I think I found the place where I belong," Hoseok said before muffling his words and their breaths by the water that hit the tiles and drowned the sounds around them.

Hyungwon swallowed as he stepped closer and curled his arms around Hoseok's waist, enjoying how warm the other man's body felt against his own. It seemed perfect, their closeness, their height that enabled Hoseok to rest his head on his shoulder and the words that kept repeating inside his head, making him feel so much at once.

"Me too," he whispered and brushed his fingers through the wet, brown strands, hoping that there wouldn't be a reason to separate again.

_

The cup of coffee in front of him was burning hot, leaving a hint of pain against his palms.

Still, Hyungwon didn't pull them away. He even welcomed the sensation because it helped him to focus on the matter at hand. The dark liquid in front of him tasted foreign after avoiding it unless he was at work.

_But you're not at work now, you're preparing to hurt somebody._

It wasn't only another person he was hurting, it hurt him too, but Hyungwon considered it unfair to dwell on his own pain when he was the one causing it.

_You've made another decision and have to bear the consequences._

The cafe he had chosen was mostly empty with the exception of a couple that shared a milkshake in the rightmost corner and him, sitting in the leftmost corner with his cup of coffee. It was late in the evening and he had about an hour before it closed.

_A time limit._

Hyungwon had chosen the spacious cafe at the edge of the city for several reasons. The first was that neither him nor Elias had ever been there. He didn't want it to be nostalgic and to ruin a place that only harbored positive memories. A new cafe meant that it was meaningless to both of them and their conversation would be able to die along with it.

_Your conversation won't be the only thing to die._

The thought hurt and he wrapped his fingers tighter around his cup, only able to hold it for a few seconds until the burning got too much.

_Hoseok would scold you for hurting your hands now._

Hyungwon had also chosen the cafe because it was neutral ground. He didn't want either of them to feel locked in the other's apartment, like a friend that suddenly turned into a stranger at a place that should have been familiar.

_You hate this so much but avoiding it would be so much worse._

It was unfair towards Elias, unfair to use their arrangement of an open relationship while making so much more out of it. Hyungwon wasn't with Hoseok for sex, he was in love and each second that he kept up his relationship with Elias was a second that he lied to somebody he cares about.

_You will have to say goodbye._

That must have been the reason he needed the heat against his fingers, anything to distract him from how much he hated the thought of saying goodbye.

_You liked him and you still do, only now it doesn't seem enough._

His attention was pulled from his coffee cup as a broad figure sat down in front of him and a warm hand instantly reached out to stroke over his forearm.

"Sorry that I'm late. I needed a while to find the place. It seems nice." Elias was smiling widely and as usual he filled the silence between them without needing for Hyungwon to say anything. "You look amazing. Oh- is something bothering you though? You don't drink coffee usually. Difficult week?"

Hyungwon couldn't get himself to remove the warm hand from his forearm, so he left it there. He didn't want to begin the conversation with a rejection. Elias had done nothing wrong. It was about emotions and those were nobody's fault.

"One could say so, but it's not really about work," he murmured finally and lifted his cup to his lips to give himself an excuse for not continuing. Elias looked at ease, even though they rarely met up at new places. Something good must have happened and the fact that Hyungwon could easily tell hurt even more. Elias was only waiting for him to ask to be able to share it, right leg jittering with excitement and moving the table just enough for Hyungwon to be able to tell.

_You're about to break the cheerfulness that you like so much about him._

"What is it about then? I'm glad that you got some time for something apart from work though." Elias grinned and took a glance at the menu to decide about a drink. Had Hyungwon not known the man in front of him like the back of his hand, he might have concluded that it was accusatory. After all, he had cancelled several meetings with the excuse of being busy with work.

_But he's not like that, that's why you chose to be with him back then._

"You can also get a drink first," he remarked and gestured for the other man to order. It was his cowardly attempt to buy time and it worked as Elias elaborated on his favorite drink choices before hurrying to the counter.

_You can't keep pushing this, no matter how much you want to enjoy the last moments of his company._

Hyungwon wasn't stupid. He knew what a breakup meant. There were barely any cases where lovers returned to being friends. Too many memories were shared for that. The relationship was too intimate to be pushed back and Elias and him had barely been friends before becoming lovers. There was nothing to fall back on no matter how much Hyungwon might have wanted it.

_You're going to tell him and then you'll never be able to talk to him like before._

"Go ahead," Elias commented as soon as he returned to his seat and took a sip of his soy latte. The other man had a current obsession with all things soy and had even done a few videos on why it should be part of everybody's diet.

_You haven't seen any of them._

"It's-" he swallowed before remembering that he hated stalling and lying the most. "When I told you about kissing my colleague… it wasn't just a kiss. I fell in love with somebody else, Elias. I'm sorry."

He glanced up, not giving himself the relief of not seeing the reaction he evoked with his words. Elias was holding onto his latte with one hand while the other rested loosely on top of the table. It looked as if it had been in the middle of reaching out to grasp his, only to stop in the middle of the motion.

The other man's face might have been difficult to read for somebody else, but it wasn't for Hyungwon. For that he had spent too many years staring at it and learning the signs for each possible emotion. Elias was looking at him, eyes widening briefly and glancing at the table, their drinks and finally his face again. The smile that had faded returned right back, hiding that the other man was hurt and didn't know what to say.

Elias had always hated appearing vulnerable and Hyungwon detested the fact that he couldn't simply reach out and make it okay the way he usually did.

"I mean it when I say that I'm sorry," he whispered and curled his hands tighter around his coffee again. It wasn't hot enough to distract him this time and the burning in his eyes wasn't appropriate for the situation. Not when he was the one who brought about the change.

"I know." Elias chuckled and brushed through his hair, visibly unsure what to do with his hands. Next the other man took a sip from his latte and squeezed the paper cup a little too much, leaving dents. "You hate being dishonest after all. It's very much like you to say it all out like this, in a cafe where both of us can run away any second if it gets uncomfortable. You're always so considerate."

Hyungwon tried to hear bitterness in Elias' words, but there was none. Only the expression on the familiar face told him that there was hurt and helplessness as the other man fumbled with his cup one more time and couldn't decide where to look.

_He's afraid to show you how affected he is by this._

"It would be unfair to you to keep everything the way it was." He took a sip of the black liquid and focused on the bitterness that covered his tongue.

"You wouldn't be able to do that anyway." Elias smiled before exhaling roughly and throwing his head back, staring at the ceiling instead. "Intuition is a scary thing. You can't even keep body contact when you don't mean it anymore, how would you be able to keep everything the way it is?"

Hyungwon thought back to the warm fingers around his forearm, wondering if he showed his thoughts by freezing in place. It didn't matter now, not when he couldn't change it anymore and the truth was out.

"I'm a bad liar," he whispered and observed the contrast between his fingers and the white paper cup.

"Is this one of your choices that you bear the consequences of?" Elias asked and Hyungwon felt eyes on him again, gaze intense as if it attempted to see more than was there. A hint of hurt had found its way to the other man's voice, adding a tremble that hadn't been there before. "It's final, isn't it?"

_It's not only a choice of yours, it's an inevitable state by now._

"Yes," he breathed out and felt the urge to cry again as his gaze travelled up to observe how Elias' lips were trembling without the other man saying a word. "Even if the way I feel right now doesn't stay, it would be unfair towards you. I don't want to be a person like that."

"Of course, you don't." Another chuckle sounded as Elias reached out after all and grabbed his hand, squeezing lightly. "With work and somebody else, I probably won't see you anymore, will I? Fuck- this sucks so much."

Hyungwon didn't reply because saying it out loud felt like it was only going to make it worse. Dread remained in his chest, not giving him the relief that finally saying it could have given him. Instead he was sitting in a cafe with his hands shaking the way he hated as he looked at a person he liked and watched the way liquid filled their eyes because of him and the decisions he made.

And still he knew that he couldn't have acted any different because it wasn't enough anymore. Nothing was.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 12

The drops from their shower turned into the thick raindrops that he welcomed because again, it reminded him of Hyungwon. It reminded him of how the long arms wrapped around him like snakes, making him shiver from how much he liked it, from how obvious it was now that there was no way back for him. No excuses and no misunderstandings to hide behind.

The sex had been a desperate attempt to find something, anything that gave him a reason to think that the choices he made were okay after all, that he could continue like this, but instead it simply made everything feel less okay, more desperate, more painful, lonely and unbearable.

_You can’t continue like this._

He smiled when the key disappeared in the lock and he opened the door to his house that should’ve felt like home but didn’t, smelling green tea that Yura liked to make for herself. It was evening and he had gone to buy some groceries as it had been his free day and Hyungwon had to meet his boyfriend.

_To break up with him._

The other man wasn’t married and he didn’t have children, but the expression on the handsome face told him that Hyungwon was preparing for a painful goodbye. Painful to both of them.

_You never experienced anything like that after running away from him._

The time that he had needed to somehow deal with the loss that he brought upon himself had been enough to never open up enough to start a longer relationship. Maybe he had broken some hearts on the way, he might have, but most of those must’ve been one-sided love, nothing more. Not for him.

_But Hyungwon had been in love. Many times. And he was in love with his boyfriend too, so it must hurt a lot._

Hoseok hated how it made him feel. That the compassion was immediately overshadowed by jealousy. That there was the uncomfortable thought that maybe he wasn’t enough, not experienced and couldn’t give the other man what he needed. What if Hyungwon had given something up that he wasn’t able to replace?

_He is giving it up to not hurt Elias. He’s not doing it for you._

Sometimes he didn’t know for sure. He didn’t know if Hyungwon felt the same or if the fact that they had known each other from before had made their encounter special and therefore fooled the other man into thinking that it was more than he had experienced before. More than he was used to. Something that he was missing.

_You are insecure._

Hoseok was, one couldn’t change completely over the years. Something must have stayed, just that he learned to not let his insecurity affect his decision making. At least most of the time.

“You’re back. Do you want some tea?” Yura asked as if he didn’t come back from his lover just now after spending the night there.

“No, thank you. But I would like to show you something if you have time.” Hoseok unpacked the groceries and sorted them in the fridge and kitchen cupboards, before gesturing for his wife to come along to the office.

_Will she understand?_

“What is it? Now I’m curious,” she commented playfully and Hoseok wondered if it was the right approach, but he simply needed to make her understand, even if it was painful.

“I wanted to show you a few pictures from high school.” Turning on the laptop, he took out the old hard drive from one of the drawers and connected it. The desk in the office reminded him of a few weeks ago, when Hyungwon leaned against it, jeans open and revealing how aroused he was as his thick lips parted to release quick breaths, telling him to taste him. Hoseok held his breath for a few seconds as he looked down at his fingers and suddenly remembered how the hot tightness clenched around them, making him breathless from arousal, from how much he wanted Hyungwon.

_This is not the right time, Hoseok. You will never be able to be with him if you don’t start working on this._

“Oh? I thought you didn’t have any left. At least that’s what you told me,” Yura said and chuckled, leaning against the cupboard in the corner and glancing at the screen. “Should I turn on the light, or do you want to keep it romantic?”

_Why is she like this?_

“Leave it be.” He quickly opened the folder and clicked on his own pictures first, leaving Hyungwon’s photographs for later. In case it became necessary. Scrolling through the photographs, he didn’t even look at Yura because it felt so nice seeing them suddenly, as if he could feel the tenderness of their feelings back then, how they both were insecure and tried to overplay it, hide it, creating misunderstandings but still trying so hard to be close.

_What if you had been honest back then? Would your life be different now?_

The thought made him anxious, because what if there had been another misunderstanding and they wouldn’t have met again, wouldn’t have been curious about each other? Hoseok didn’t want that. He wanted Hyungwon.

“Wait… is that Hyungwon?” Yura’s voice ripped through his thoughts and his wife sounded shocked. When he returned his focus to the screen, he saw how the big eyes peeked from behind his hair as the pretty, thick lips attached to his neck. He was laughing in the picture, one hand sunk into the pink hair and acting as if he tried to push the boy away but one didn’t need to have the context to understand that he was enjoying it, that it looked affectionate. Just like the second picture where Hyungwon was behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and placing a kiss on his cheek.

_How could you even think that you were just friends back then? How?_

“Mhm,” he hummed and scrolled further until there was the black and white picture of Hyungwon’s soft face, his puffy lips that touched his curved mouth as he was sleeping. The picture was so beautiful because it showed how fragile it was. It showed the anxiety, the intensity of the other man’s feelings, that he must’ve been devastated to disregard rules of consent and kiss him, even taking a picture of it to keep it hidden in the depths of his hard drive. Just like he did.

“Did you two… date? Hoseok… you-” Yura stopped in the middle of the sentence, not finishing it and simply staring at the screen, wrapping her arms around her own waist.

“Did we? Back then we called it being ‘best friends’, but That’s bullshit, right? I will spare you the other pictures, they’re not necessary to get the point.”

“Hoseok… are you gay?”

_Huh?_

The question caught him off guard. He never thought about it much and it had always seemed as if the experience with Hyungwon stayed in high school as he moved on and wasn’t very sexually active in general, but if he was, it was heterosexual encounters.

_Are you?_

He did like Yura and it wasn’t as if he hadn’t enjoyed the sex, he had, so was he gay because he wanted Hyungwon, because he had been in love with him before?

_But what if it helps her understand it? What if that’s what she needs as a reasoning to understand that you can’t keep your life arrangement this way?_

Inhaling sharply, he nodded, meeting his wife’s gaze, who looked shocked to say the least.

_But if she doesn’t love you, why is she so shocked then?_

“Are you telling me that you are gay and still married me and had children with me only to tell me after eight years that you’re actually into men and are now… oh god… Hoseok… is the person you are with right now… is that him?” Yura pointed at the picture of Hyungwon kissing him.

_She must feel as if you did it on purpose, knowing exactly that you will break it at some point, but you didn’t._

“Yes. It’s him. I’m in love with him, Yura. This won’t just disappear, I can feel it. This- the thing between us, I can’t keep it this way, I’m so sorry.”

“Shut up.” The short woman walked a few steps towards the open door, covering some of the light coming from outside with her body. “Don’t you even dare talk about sorry when we just moved here because of your midlife crisis and I had to search for another job and the kids had to change schools. And now you’re suddenly in love? Are you fucking kidding me, Hoseok? I never…” her voice broke and Yura needed a few seconds to inhale and continue. “... not even once did I expect more from you than what we had agreed on and I expect you to do the same. You agreed to take responsibility, so fucking take it, you asshole. Keep your promise and don’t do this to me.” His wife threw the door shut and left him in the darkness with only the screen illuminating the room around him. The screen that showed Hyungwon with his soft features kissing him softly, as if knowing exactly what he wanted and needed. Even back then.

His bottom lip trembled because Yura knew his weakness, she knew his feeling of guilt and used it to get her point across.

_That she doesn’t want to be left. But it’s not about the kids. It’s about the two of you._

Inhaling deeply, he forced himself to stand up and leave the office, watching his wife carrying a bag downstairs.

“What are you doing?” he asked quietly.

“I’m going to get some emotional support because I don’t have the kids to take care of right now. I never asked you for it even once all these years, so I guess I won’t get it now either. I don’t care about your sexuality, I only care about the fact that you’re about to destroy my life because of some teenage gay romance. You have two days to get your shit together. I’m not going to let you break everything that I worked for for years.”

_A teenage gay romance?_

“I don’t love you,” he said, simply because he felt like it needed to be said at least once to make Yura understand that there was a difference, something that he missed and wanted.

“Congratulations. Then love him. Doesn’t he have a boyfriend? He’s cheating too? Not that I’m surprised, but don’t even try, Hoseok. This has never been about love. Do you know how many times I’ve been in love and broke it off because I promised to be with you back then even though you’re never fucking here, you never cared about how I feel and you have a sad fucking existence? You better suck it up right now, tell him that you’re married and there’s no way for you two to work out, because I’m not going to accept this.”

Yura slipped into her shoes and turned to him, looking furious while he just stood there with his arms crossed and looked at the woman he lived with but didn’t really know, wondering why she had decided to be with him if she had been miserable all this time. Why she never left.

“It’s not for you to decide,” he whispered before she took the bag and pulled the door, letting it fall in the lock with a loud sound that made him flinch. He gave his body a few seconds to stand tall before he crouched on the floor and hid his face in his palms.

He wasn’t crying because he felt helpless or because he was hurting another person. He was crying because his behavior, his lack of care, his decisions that were based on nothing but his need to run away from discomfort, had created a situation that trapped him inside a wired cage. A cage with a woman he wasn’t in love with, with his feelings of guilt towards two small humans he cared about. He was only left with the ability to look out past the wires, crying because he could see the person he wanted to be with the most.

_It’s all your fault._

_It’s you._

_

When his tears had dried and he lifted his head from the couch pillow, his first thought was to write to Hyungwon. He couldn't talk about his own struggles, how it was his fault for making his life so hard to escape. It was selfish and he had no right.

'I'm alone in my house, my next shift is tomorrow morning and I'm a selfish bastard for wanting you here even though you're probably not okay after your talk with Elias…' he typed and sent off. 'But I am still selfish and I still want you here.'

A minute or two passed during which he watched the three dots and the notice that Hyungwon was typing. The other man must have contemplated what to say.

'Aren't you the one who said he wants to be there for me when I'm down? I could never say no to an opportunity to be with you.'

‘Would you like to come over? To change the surroundings for a bit?’ he typed, before deciding that honesty was the way to go. ‘And be with me. I really want you here. So much.’

'Why are you even asking? I'm on my way,' Hyungwon typed back, this time in a matter of seconds. After a few more, a picture appeared on his screen that showed the left side of Hyungwon's bed, unmade as if somebody lay there only recently. 'I prefer the left now because it kept some of your scent.'

‘I want to wrap around you and not move, no matter which side of the bed it is…’ he texted back, chewing on his lip because it was true. If he was honest he was simply unable to deal with it. To have a free day from work and be alone in his house after an argument with his wife who called the deep feelings towards another person a ‘teenage gay romance’ and who didn’t want to let him end things between them.

_But can she even do anything if you want to end it?_

He wasn’t alone and they had two kids. He had no idea how his children would react if he told them that mom and dad didn’t want to be together anymore. Well… that dad didn’t want to be together with mom and preferred to be with Hyungwon instead. He would need to move out, wouldn’t he? But he couldn’t just leave Yura with the children, they were his responsibility too. Fuck. It was a mess.

_You haven’t solved anything apart from telling Yura that you don’t love her and hearing once again that she doesn’t want to end it, no matter what._

His head hurt because of one simple thing that he had always avoided in his life until now.

_Open conflict._

Groaning loudly, he almost didn’t hear the bell and jumped up, opening the door and expecting to have some time to put on a smile, but instead of glancing towards the gate, he immediately saw Hyungwon’s ridiculously handsome face.

"Come here," Hyungwon immediately murmured and wrapped an arm around his waist as he stepped inside and closed the door behind himself. Lips touched his and warm fingers brushed a brown strand from his eyes before Hyungwon leaned back and observed him for a few seconds, gaze so affectionate after the nothing that had surrounded him until that moment. "Why are we both so miserable if we consider each other a source of happiness, mmh?"

“I missed you so much, fuck,” he whispered and closed his eyes for a few seconds, overwhelmed by how his mood and his feelings changed as soon as Hyungwon was anywhere near, holding him, talking to him in that low attractive voice that sent shivers down his spine.

“I’m so sorry. Really. I’m insecure and jealous, but I’m sorry that you lost something precious to you…” he tried to put his thoughts into words without revealing the inside of his mind.

"It sucked, but this isn't only about me, is it?" He could hear the hint of a smile in Hyungwon's voice as the other man hugged him tighter and kissed the top of his head. "You have no reason to be insecure, because work is your only competitor and you seem to have defeated it already. How come you are on your own? Physically this time."

Hoseok leaned back and let Hyungwon take off his shoes before pulling him inside and towards the kitchen. He knew that the other man liked tea and bought some fruit and white tea.

_Even though Yura likes green tea. How much more obvious can it get?_

“I bought some tea, would you like white or fruit tea?” he asked and wrapped his fingers around the drawer, waiting for Hyungwon’s reply.

"Fruit," Hyungwon remarked and stepped closer to take a cup out of a nearby drawer, not even struggling to reach it. "I'm not sure why but my brain supplied me with a cheesy flirt line, which is everything but in character for me. My flirt game is usually stronger than that."

A grin spread the plump lips and the other man pulled himself up on the counter before simply slipping his fingers into the waistband of Hoseok's jeans and pulling him sideways and finally between his spread legs.

"Is it terrible of me if I find it relieving that there is nobody here but you and me?"

Hoseok smiled because despite his terrible mood, the fact that he cried and the mess that was going on inside his mind, he was so happy and at ease that Hyungwon came.

_Like back then._

“Is it terrible that you’re the only one that I want to have around right now? Back in the day you gave me a similar feeling, but I was more nervous about it compared to now. I had to think about it because I looked at our pictures today. We should take more. I want to take more.”

Hyungwon let his hands travel over his shoulders and squeezed briefly before caressing his waist as he listened to him.

"Why did you look at them?" the other man asked and lifted his right hand to trace the shape of his nose and travel down over his curved lips to his jaw with his index finger. He liked the touch so much that he waited with his answer and enjoyed the feeling with his eyes closed until it faded and he looked at Hyungwon before replying.

“I showed them to Yura,” he said and looked in the direction of the tea, somehow wanting to run away from the topic and the feelings that he knew it would pull out, but at the same time unable to take his hands from Hyungwon’s waist.

"Is that the reason she left?" Hyungwon must have felt his urge to run as arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer, close enough to feel the other man's exhales against his lips. "When… I talked to Elias, it was enough to say that I love somebody else. It hurt because we both knew that we wouldn't see each other anymore. Friendship isn't possible for somebody like me, somebody who didn't even have time for a boyfriend."

“I’m so sorry,” he muttered because he registered the change in the other man’s low voice, a sign that it must’ve hurt a lot. Could he be a comfort? Was he able to somehow ease the pain of somebody who didn’t require medical assistance? Was he unable to give emotional support like Yura said? “She left because she needed emotional support and I am unable to give it, expecting me to ‘get my shit together’ in two days before she comes back. But I don’t want to get my shit together. I want to fall apart if it means that I can be with you.” It sounded dramatic, but it was the way he felt. Sure, reality made decisions harder than it seemed in his mind, but he wanted to fill every second that he was supposed to calm down with Hyungwon until he couldn’t think about anything else.

"If holding me as I cry hiding in the radiology department isn't emotional support, then what is?" Hyungwon inhaled sharply, a sign that Hoseok had interpreted his emotional state correctly. The fingers that trembled briefly before raking through his hair, confirmed it further. "I don't think that you're unable to. I think that the situation wasn't right. You didn't pay attention to what was around you. You ran from it, even from me. Maybe… the difference is that this time I didn't let you."

There was a smile and Hyungwon let his eyes flutter shut for a moment. "Not running after you back then was one of my biggest regrets and I'm so glad I did this time. I'm just so fucking glad even if it might look like everything is crumbling around us."

_He is suffering so much and you’re still thinking about yourself and your insecurities._

“I run away from myself, not from you. From my insecurities mostly and from conflict. I’m insecure right now too, but at the same time I’m unable to do much about it because I know that running away won’t make it better either. I make decisions without thinking about the outcome, that’s why I’m where I am now. Next to a person who doesn’t expect any love from me but expects me to tell you that we won’t work out because I promised her that this would stay the way it is. Doesn’t change anything about the way I feel though, so what’s the point?” He sighed and turned to switch on the kettle before returning between Hyungwon’s spread legs. “I don’t think everything is crumbling. I think it is crumbling for you because you lost something precious to you while I’m running against a wall. Nothing is crumbling here…”

"She is making the same mistake that I hoped not to make. She thinks that nothing has changed yet and that she can keep it the way it is but change already happened. You stopped running, you started wanting something. You talked about this and now you won't be able to pretend like nothing happened anymore." Again, Hyungwon was caressing his face, calming him and showing affection even though he was the one who had to lose something precious while Hoseok remained in a self-made prison. "Do you want that wall to crumble, Hoseok?"

“I want to teleport out,” he commented and chuckled. “Yeah, I do. That’s why I showed her the pictures. She was pretty shocked, asking whether I was gay. Unfortunately, it didn’t change a lot and now she’s left for a few days. But let’s… talk about you. How do you make a decision when it hurts so much and how… do you know that it’s worth it?”

"That's a difficult question. I don't think I know," Hyungwon murmured and sighed before resting his forehead against his. "I make a decision because it feels like the right thing to do, just like at work. I can't be sure and the consequences can be terrible, but I just go with what feels and seems right and hope that it will be the right thing to do in the end. Worth is even more difficult to assess. If you asked me whether leaving Elias for you was worth it, my answer would be yes. But it's not because I can really assess the worth of my actions. Rather it's because I am happy with you whereas my feelings for Elias have faded. Maybe it will change, but I still wouldn't decide differently because at that moment it felt right."

“But I guess it doesn’t make it better, does it? It still hurts. I have to admit I didn’t experience a single breakup after putting myself through the harm of walking away from you, so I don’t know what you need right now. It’s not a medical emergency and the only selfish thought I have is…” Hoseok lifted both hands and cupped Hyungwon’s small face, wondering again how the other man could be so attractive and how much more he liked the grown-up version with less soft features, big eyes and thick lips. Leaning in, Hoseok was thankful that he didn’t have to go on his tiptoes and kissed Hyungwon’s parted mouth, feeling how the intensity and warmth increased with every passing second, like the kettle where he heard a click as the water started to boil.

_Just that there’s no click for you, you keep wanting more._

“The only selfish thought I have is to kiss you, hold you, try to make you forget about the pain.”

"How is that different from emotional support?" Hyungwon asked and leaned in himself this time, deepening the kiss and nibbling on his bottom lip. "If you want to break that wall, then I want to help you, Hoseok."

“I want you. I can’t and I don’t want to run away from this, I want you, Hyungwon. I want you to have me, like you told me. I want to be yours,” he whispered, sounding a bit desperate and feeling guilty again for making it about himself. “Can you tell me what you need right now? I want to… I want to try to give it to you.”

Big palms cupped his face and thumbs stroked over his cheek bones as Hyungwon leaned in and long legs wrapped around his hips.

"Kiss me."

The tea didn’t matter anymore and the slight feeling of dread in his stomach from the talk with Yura didn’t matter anymore either. The only thing that was on his mind was the way Hyungwon’s lips parted when he leaned in, how the other man’s legs curled around him, using strength to keep him in place and how a shaky breath left the warm mouth before he kissed those lips, melting into the touch, into how perfect they seemed for each other.

It felt like a stupid fairy tale, unreal and about to dissolve in thin air. But instead it got warmer, the grip on his hips got tighter, pulling him closer against the gorgeous person who seemed to enjoy the kiss as much as he did. Curling his arms around Hyungwon’s waist, he stroked along the fabric that wrapped around the other man’s thighs, towards his hip-bones and back down, wanting to simply take him and carry him up the stairs to turn every place in the house into a memory with the person in his arms.

“I want to kiss you everywhere and I want everything in here to be covered in your scent. I want you to always be around me, fuck,” he whispered and caught Hyungwon’s pretty mouth again, sucking on his bottom lip intently before licking into his warm mouth. Hoseok had to hold himself back to not reveal that he was going crazy, that he felt like breathing the other man.

"What- what's stopping you?" Hyungwon gasped into the kiss and let one of his hands slip onto his hair, tugging at it each time their tongues met. "Is it her? She has no right to make you miserable, just like she shouldn't be making herself miserable. There has to be a solution and we just have to find it, Hoseok. Like with a diagnosis."

"I'm an anesthetist. I don't do long term care. I make sure that the patient is stable and that's it. Just like emergency medical services, you prepare the patient and make him ready for transport. I guess it's the same with my decision-making skills. I am good at decisions under pressure, just that in life I have to deal with the consequences of my decisions for a long time and there's no right or wrong," he muttered before slowly moving away from the counter while holding onto Hyungwon's thighs to enable the other man to stay in the air or to lower his feet to the floor.

"I'm good at planning a decision in advance and working through the single steps for a long period of time. I can plan what to do and you are able to damage control if something goes wrong." Hyungwon stretched out his right hand and traced the form of his ear this time before travelling down his neck and stopping at his shoulder. "Doesn't that make us a perfect team? Maybe not only in medicine."

"I still don't know how I fit into your life and expectations, but you're perfect for me. I don't want anything else," Hoseok whispered again and rolled his eyes because a single touch of Hyungwon's hands accompanied by his low voice made his skin tingle, gave him an adrenaline rush that he was loving so much. "You make me feel so much," he added, baring his neck and showing how fast his heart was beating against the other man's long fingers.

"You’ve changed so much from back then," Hyungwon murmured and used his nails to draw thin lines all the way to his collarbones. "But your inability to see how much you mean to me stayed the same. You're everything I ever wanted, Hoseok."

He couldn't understand it because there wasn't anything special that he could see about himself that could've explained Hyungwon's feelings in a logical way, but it probably wasn't logical. Just like it didn't seem logical to Yura why he wanted to break everything because of a feeling. She didn't understand that the feeling changed everything. Changed him.

The nails against his skin resulted in a breathy moan before he finally stepped away from the counter, taking Hyungwon along and moving towards the stairs. He wanted to be close, feel the warm skin against his, the nails that showed him that there was somebody else who had control over what happened later, that he could let go and melt into the gorgeous man in his arms, show his vulnerability, his desires. He wanted the house that felt so foreign to him now to harbor some memories so the time that he still had to be there was more bearable.

Chewing on his lips, Hoseok carried Hyungwon up the stairs, walking past the empty children's room and finally entering the bedroom that he had spent the past few months in, sleeping, staring at the ceiling, having sex with his wife. Now he brought another person there, one that he wanted to be with, one that he felt he should be sharing a bed with.

When he sat on his side of the bed with Hyungwon settled on his lap, Hoseok looked up, cupping the handsome face once again. "You're everything to me too. Nobody can give me this feeling. There's no other person who can, apart from you. You're unique like that," he whispered, wondering if Hyungwon felt alien in his marital bedroom, he probably did.

_But you don't want him to._

Hoseok wanted the person in his arms to feel happy and at ease; he wanted to be able to give comfort and be here for him.

No matter how many walls he had to smash for that. He was ready to do it all.

***

Entering Hoseok's home felt like entering a sanctuary. A sanctuary that belonged to the other man alone, like a part of Hoseok that remained hidden from view. A locked drawer in an office table that Hyungwon had neither the key to nor the ability to access.

 _A sanctuary without you_.

Jumping over the fence and standing in front of the beautifully designed front door merely reminded him of all those things that happened behind that door that Hyungwon had no way of influencing. Maybe it was his need for control speaking, but he hated that Yura could put that expression on Hoseok's face, that she could make the other man so miserable that he hesitated to share the feeling with him.

_His home is the place he feels lonely and gets hurt and you hate that you cannot save him from it._

Being surrounded by those inaccessible four walls while holding Hoseok in his arms felt like an accomplishment. It wasn't quite comparable because the space didn't belong to him and he still wasn't a part of it, but still it was relieving to have it for himself once.

_At least for as long as it lasts._

Hoseok was so desperate to break those walls, to bridge the space between them and make it disappear. There was nothing that Hyungwon could have wanted more, but he didn't know how to help the other man, how to enable him to decide that he didn't regret in the end.

_He cares about his children but feels trapped in his relationship with his wife. Who are you to tell him how to solve it?_

Hyungwon had given in to his desires before, telling Hoseok to be with him instead as they made love, but could he really ask for that?

_But he wants it too, he wants it just as much as you do._

It was easy to read from Hoseok's face, even without the words that told him he was unique, that he was the only person that could make the man in front of him feel that way.

_All this time you were the only person he fell in love with._

Hyungwon's own feelings and sacrifices seemed almost pathetic in comparison. What were a few months of pain and low self-esteem compared to years of locking oneself into four unbreakable walls? Even if Hoseok was the one who made those decisions, the consequences didn't become any more bearable.

Also, now while sitting on Hoseok's lap and having his arms wrapped around the other man's neck, Hyungwon realized how difficult it was to get behind those four walls. The two of them were together and Hyungwon knew that he was the only one who matters, that Hoseok desires to be with him and nobody else, but-

_But still you feel her presence and the fact that you don't belong here._

Hyungwon's apartment had always remained his own, like a secret place he didn't let anybody in. The only exception was Hoseok who had quickly transformed his home into an empty shell unless he was there to fill it out.

Hoseok's home didn't need to be filled out by him because it was all present without him. Hyungwon could feel it from the other side of the bed that was made and included various items on the bedside table that belonged to somebody else. He felt it from the black gown that rested on a chair next to the wardrobe, the makeup table that stood in the corner of the room and finally the sweeter scent that was in the air and mixed with Hoseok's.

_She's filling out all this space and it feels like there is none left for you._

Hoseok had called him unique, the only one who was able to gift the other man with the adrenaline he yearned for. But why did he feel so ordinary in the spacious house? Like an unwanted secret that managed to enter the walls but couldn't break them either.

_How are you supposed to help him if you feel this way?_

"Why do I feel so ordinary then?" he whispered and buried his face in the warm neck, drowning out the sight of the makeup table, the made bed and clothes that weren't Hoseok's with the other man's scent. "I hoped that your bedroom would smell more like you."

"I'm never here. I only sleep here. I want it to smell like you. It's selfish, right?" Hoseok whispered. He could feel the slightly cooler fingertips dance along his sides as they slipped under his shirt.

_You also want it to smell like you, to fill out all that space with yourself instead._

"If it is, then both of us are," he whispered and used his flat palm against Hoseok's chest to push him back, all the way until the other man lay on the grey sheets, looking beautiful.

"How come my apartment is empty without you, but your house feels so full? Is it because it has you?" He smiled and leaned in to kiss Hoseok's mouth, feeling a sudden deja vu that must have stemmed from their high school times.

_Because you leaned over him like this, countless times, but never dared to kiss._

"It doesn't feel full to me. It feels… like I don't belong here," the low voice whispered as Hoseok's gaze met his, as if the other man was looking up at the sky. "Why does it feel full?"

_He feels like he doesn't belong either?_

"Because-" He thought about whether there was a nicer way to put it, nicer than admitting that he also felt like he didn't belong. But he preferred to speak the truth, especially in front of Hoseok. "Because it feels like there is no space for me, like it's all occupied already and I'm the drop that's too much."

There was a hum in response, stalling time as Hoseok kept observing his face, fingertips dancing over his skin as if hoping for his body to help find an adequate reply. "I guess it might seem as if you don't know this part of me. The person that I've become, the one that made all those decisions and ended up here. On the bed that I share with my wife. With you." Hoseok swallowed and tightened his grip, pulling him closer against his chest and hips. "Maybe, because you don't know it and feel alien here, you think that there's no space for you when actually a void closed when you entered through the front door."

_You must feel the same even if you can't see it._

"I want to fill all that space with myself instead," he whispered and lay down, arms on each side of Hoseok's face as he enjoyed the warmth against his chest and stomach. "Can't I just crumble those walls from the inside? Find my way inside and-" Hyungwon used his fingers to walk along Hoseok's ear to his temple where he applied a little pressure, "and leave nothing but me."

"I'm thinking like a child. I want to undress you and roll all over this bed with you in my arms." Hoseok chuckled. "There's you inside my mind, but there's also words that are not nice to hear that keep repeating, there's insecurity about what I can really give you and if I'm enough, but more than that, I'm selfish. I want you. I want to fill my mind with you and if you drown me I want to get drowned by you."

_But does that insecurity have depth?_

"I have an important question for you, Hoseok." Hyungwon moved back just enough to be able to see the other man's face properly. They hadn't bothered to turn on the light, but the moonlight was bright enough to see Hoseok's features and the genuine emotions in the black eyes. The gaze got to him and he had to swallow. "If this doesn't work out, would you still want those walls to crumble?"

"I'm a doctor and so are you. It feels a little weird talking in metaphors when both of us know exactly what this is and where this is going. Fact is…" Hoseok sat up again, easily taking him along as he looked up to meet his gaze. "Fact is that I know that I'm in love with you. I know that feelings can change because today you left somebody you liked, a relationship you were satisfied with before. You still left, so you could leave me too. Would I still want to leave the place I am now? Break this 'arrangement' I have with my wife? Yes, I do. I know what it means to let go of what you love. I don't stop, Hyungwon. I don't love many things. Yura would say that I don't even feel anything, but I do. It's just very specific things that make me feel and make me feel alive. One of them is you. I know it can go wrong. Always. I said my goodbye to something I love two times, I know that it's true more than I want to, but I still want you." Looking right into his eyes, Hoseok smiled, curved lip corners only briefly lifting up. "I want to, even if I end up losing you again."

Hyungwon's bottom lip trembled and he bit down on it as he reached for Hoseok's face and cupped his cheek, focusing on the soft skin below his fingertips. There was so much affection in every word, much more than a promise could ever do and once again he felt like his own feelings couldn't compare. Hoseok made the same decision that he did, the decision to leave an arrangement he had been satisfied with before because suddenly it wasn't enough.

_But there have only been two things that made him happy before, only two._

"How am I supposed to compare?" he whispered and closed his eyes for a few seconds to compose himself. "You seem so sure, so convinced that I am the only one who can make you feel this way, but I know nothing apart from the fact that you're the only one I don't feel lonely with."

"It's not always the same single drug that makes us feel good. It's the one that we need, isn't it? For me it's something different than for you, but it's okay as long as I can give you what you need and you are giving me what I crave for. Why would you need to compare your feelings to the sad outcome of my relationships? I'm glad that you lived enjoying your need to communicate, feeding your breathtaking personality. I was so jealous, but I loved it about you." The other man sighed and glanced to the side briefly, showing a hint of insecurity. "But I don't know if I'm what you need either. I just do what I feel like and hope that you enjoy being next to me."

"I don't think I would be where I am right now if you weren't what I need, Hoseok." Hyungwon smiled and let his body weight rest completely on top of Hoseok, lips starting out by covering the other man's uncovered collarbones with kisses and travelling along his jaw to his lips. He wanted to cover every inch while drowning Hoseok in his scent. Hyungwon wanted to fill out all the space, even if it didn't seem to have any room for him. "Undress me like you said that you want to."

Hissing quietly, the other man waited a few seconds and enjoyed his touch before shifting on the bed and lifting both hands to his shirt that the pale fingers unbuttoned slowly. Hoseok didn't wait, immediately attaching his soft lips to the exposed patches of skin, kissing his collarbones, his chest and playing with his tongue where it felt especially good.

Hyungwon would have lied if he claimed that the location completely left his mind. He still saw the items that told him another person lived there, he still smelled the sweetness that wasn't Hoseok and felt the need to ruin the sheets on the other side of the bed. All those things were still there, but it was his attention that slipped towards them, not Hoseok's. Hoseok was perfectly focused on him, basking in each inch of skin that he revealed and pulling gasps from his lips.

"I want you to have me. I want to be yours in here," Hoseok whispered, letting his fingertips travel from his nipples to his sides and lower, scratching over the fabric of his jeans before quickly unbuttoning them.

_He wants to erase it all and fill it with you._

"You said that you dreamt of me," he murmured and let his hands briefly stroke over the sheets. "Right here."

Lifting his hips to make it easier for Hoseok to pull down his zipper, he inhaled sharply and thought about what it must have been like. He imagined Hoseok lying right there where they were and dreaming of him, of being close to him the way they were right this instant.

"Show me what you were dreaming of."

Hoseok stared for a few seconds before standing up, pushing him on the bed and kneeling in front of him. The pale hands quickly pulled down his jeans until he wasn't wearing anything but his shirt that hung over his shoulders loosely. Hoseok stroked over his bare thighs, lips travelling over his chest and down his stomach before the other man placed his legs on top of his muscular shoulders and removed his hands, holding them behind his back as if they were tied.

_As if he knows what you like._

"First, I dreamt of your legs around my neck, how I took you in my mouth and you scratched my back," the low voice whispered.

The sight between his legs got to him. He enjoyed how Hoseok's heartbeat was racing, visible between his collarbones, how the black eyes focused on him when the other man opened his mouth, licking over his inner thigh, his balls and base and how hot the exhales felt that left those curved lips and hit his skin.

_This affects him so much, as if you've been made for each other, already back then._

Hyungwon gasped for air a few times before the sounds fluently transitioned into moans. Hoseok was beautiful, breathtaking even and each second that his eyes were able to observe the way the other man worshiped his body drove him absolutely insane.

He lifted his right hand and reached for Hoseok's shoulders, spreading his fingers and applying pressure to the other man's skin with his nails. He wanted to turn Hoseok's words into reality, show him that he could have all those things that he dreamt of.

"Tell me more," he breathed out and spread his legs until a spark of pleasure forced him to pull his thighs together again. The way Hoseok reacted to it told him that it was exactly what the other man wanted him to do.

"I dreamt of how much I liked it when you let go, when you enjoyed what I was doing so much that you couldn't control your motions, tightening your thighs around my neck and scratching me. I dreamt of your low voice, how you moved, how much I hated that it ended at some point." Hoseok whispered the words while brushing his lips over his tip, keeping his hands behind his back and only using his curved mouth and tongue to tease him. "It's so funny how you always chuckled and apologized for scratching and choking me and I tried to come up with excuses to make you go crazy, choke me and scratch me more. I also dreamt how I finally kissed you back then, tipsy and so fucking jealous. I dreamt of having sex with you. Of wanting to see your face."

_Because you didn't let him back then, too scared that he might realize what you're doing and stop._

Hyungwon forced himself to keep his eyes open even though the pleasure that travelled along his legs and centered at his groin was too good to remain aware. It wasn't only about lips on his tip or hot skin touching his thighs. It was about it being Hoseok and about how much the other man loved his reactions, his fingers that roamed over his muscular shoulders and nails that applied more pressure whenever those lips tightened around him. The sight was half the effect and he groaned in frustration when his eyes fluttered shut again.

"I want to see every twitch on your face, but you make me dizzy with pleasure," he breathed out and pulled his legs together again, not bothering to contain it this time. "It's as if you know exactly what I like and provide it for me on a plate."

"Really? For me it's as if you're everything I like, concentrated into one person," Hoseok whispered, looking up at him as he dug the tip of his tongue into his slit and took him into his mouth, letting him move his hips and taking it all with low hums and his hands remaining motionless behind his back.

_He's perfect._

He moaned loudly and threw his head back as his nails must have left red lines that were going to remain for a few days. The thought only fueled his arousal further as it meant that Hoseok was going to see them in the mirror and know that Hyungwon was the one who left them. It didn't even matter that the bed they lay on was usually occupied by somebody else, because Hyungwon could tell that Hoseok was his, inside out.

"I want to have sex with you, Hoseok," he whispered and tugged at the brown hair once more, rougher this time because he wanted to last for long enough to feel Hoseok inside of him. "Right here."

"I want you so much that my hands shake,” the low voice whispered as the gorgeous man lifted his delicate fingers that trembled a bit before curling around his thighs. “I know that this is the present and we’ve both changed so much that we didn’t even recognize each other, but…” Hoseok’s beautiful smile made his lungs clench because it was still the same. It provoked the same feeling of bliss inside his chest even after all these years. “But I can’t believe that I might be able to finally have you.”

The words made him emotional and he blinked a few times while holding his breath to not ruin the moment by suddenly crying or something similarly embarrassing.

_But you feel the same, you cannot believe it either._

"I finally understand what you mean," he whispered and reached out to cover Hoseok's hand with his own, enjoying the intimacy of the contact without any sexual implications. "You said that it's scary how we like each other all over again even though time has passed. We're different people now, but still I'm pulled towards you and don't want to be with anybody else. You knew me better than anybody back then and somehow you know me better than anybody now too. I never thought I would say this, but I'm glad you were my first, Hoseok. The memory stayed forever."

“I didn’t think that way for a long time after leaving, but if I think about it right now, I’m so glad that it was you. I loved you then and I love you now. I’m just… a bit insecure and want to do all those things you like; however, I’ve only had straight sex and you had time to change your preferences.” Chuckling briefly, Hoseok unbuttoned his jeans and slowly undressed in front of him without a hint of shyness, contrary to the words that left his curved mouth.

"I didn't," he replied and turned on his stomach to watch Hoseok from the pillows. The scent of the sheets was still sweet, but Hyungwon reminded himself that the man he was observing was his, that he felt the most next to him and was in love with him. Only when he rested his head on his right palm and observed the way Hoseok's eyes widened briefly, he realized that he had watched Hoseok in the same way back then, but from his bed.

_You watched him do everything, his homework, undressing to join you in bed, dry his hair. Especially when he didn't see you were watching him._

"Sometimes... it feels like nothing changed at all, even though I know that it did. Maybe it's because I still want you just as much if not more." Chewing on his lips, he curled his index finger to tell Hoseok to join him. "The difference is that I'm not scared to tell you."

“You grew up beautifully, but there are still a few things that are just the same,” Hoseok muttered, brushing his hair back and looking a bit overwhelmed, either by the sight of him on the broad bed or by his own thoughts. “I’m still jealous and insecure, but I’m not making decisions based on that. At least I hope that I don’t.” The other man hid the brief twitch in his eyebrows with a chuckle before he climbed on top of the bed and lay next to him, one arm reaching for his body and soft fingers stroking over the curve of his spine, his shoulders and his butt.

Hyungwon remained on his stomach and enjoyed the touches, closing his eyes and smiling because it felt intimate again.

"There is no reason left for you to be jealous because I'm all yours," he whispered and turned against Hoseok's body, feeling the other man's groin against his behind and reaching out to wrap those muscular arms around himself. It felt perfect and he didn't even have the words to describe how much he had missed it. It didn't matter how much time had passed, the fact that he missed being close and couldn't bear the distance anymore didn't change.

“Hyungwon?” the low voice asked, forcing goosebumps on his skin because the feeling of the muscular body around him and the combination with the low attractive voice was too intense. “Didn’t you have the night shift today? Did you switch it to come here?”

_He even knows your schedule just like you know his._

"I did," he breathed out and leaned towards the warm breaths against his ear. The proximity and warmth were just right, everything he needed and even though there was no pleasure yet the feeling made him dizzy. "I wanted to be with you tomorrow morning."

“I just want to tell you, that I know how much it means. I can feel the importance of what you did and I would do the same for you.” The warm lips traveled to his neck and stopped right beneath his ear, placing a warm kiss against the shell and his earlobe. Hoseok’s hands roamed his body and he loved how he could feel so much of the other man’s skin and his warmth in their position. “Thank you.”

_He knows how much it means because he feels the same about work. It was the only thing that had no competition but now it does._

"I've never pushed a shift before," he murmured before chuckling and reaching for Hoseok's hair. He used the grip to lead the other man's lips to his neck, enjoying the touch. "Another first that I connect with you."

Nothing had ever been worth pushing work for, no lover and no relationship, but somehow Hoseok was.

_If this doesn't mean that it's special, then what does?_

"Maybe my feelings can compare after all. If nothing was worth pushing work aside, but this is, then was I really in love before? I don't know."

“It’s interesting, isn’t it? Is it because we don’t expect each other to do it, because we understand the love for work so well that we accept the priority, but the priority shifts on its own? You didn’t have to push the shift for me, but you chose to. I can’t help but feel special though.” Hoseok chuckled, kissing his shoulder and drawing lines with his fingers, dancing over his arms and sides. He could feel the hot length pulsating against his behind, even though they were talking about emotional topics. “I support work being your first priority.”

"Maybe that's the difference. You don't expect anything, but I'm willing to give it because it's you. I can't even tell you how perfect this feels." Sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, he pushed back and enjoyed the breathy gasp that brushed over his skin in response. "I want it to always be like this."

_But how?_

“My heartbeat is over 120bpm, I think there might be something wrong with me, doctor,” Hoseok whispered and he felt a twitch as the warm hand slid over his thigh. “Can you help me?”

"I think I can," he replied with a smile and let his hand travel over Hoseok's hip and thigh before curling around his length. It felt warm against his fingers and he could tell how it pulsated, fueling his own arousal. "This feels familiar."

_Because it's how you pulled him closer back then, how you ended up feeling him._

“Mhm,” Hoseok hummed in reply and twitched in his hand. “Just that that other time I didn’t know anything apart from the fact that I wanted you and right now... I can’t stop thinking about the things you might like, how you would want to be touched, about the sounds you make and how you show that you feel pleasure. I want you to forget everything and make you feel just the way you want to feel.”

He hummed in reply before turning just enough to be able to kiss Hoseok's lips, sharing something they didn't back then, not like this.

"You already are," he whispered and leaned further against Hoseok's chest. He felt so much, lying on the bed that Hoseok shared with his wife while being embraced like he was the person that matters the most. The feeling wrapped around his chest and squeezed, but somehow it felt good.

_But you want him inside of you, right here._

"Do you… have lube?" he asked and laughed briefly because such questions might have been considered a mood kill, but with Hoseok it was easy. Just like he thought, the other man moved his arm, fumbled and put a small bottle of raspberry lube into his big hand. “Is that one okay?”

Hyungwon licked over his lips and contained the urge to ask why Hoseok had any in the first place. The possibilities were making him jealous and he didn't want to be, not when Hoseok was showing him with all of his being that he wanted him.

"It is." He curled his fingers around the bottle and opened it with his thumb before pouring some on Hoseok's fingers. He thought of doing it himself first, but the memory of the other man's expression from last time changed his mind. Only when he closed his eyes and focused on the cool sensation was when he decided to be truthful after all. "I'm feeling jealous and it's probably ridiculous."

“I’m feeling jealous because I want to be as… as natural in knowing what you need like the person you left. Instead I’m waiting and hope that you’ll show me because I want to make you feel good so badly.” Hoseok chuckled and warmed the lube between his digits. “The lube is mine. Yura is allergic to raspberries and I’m circumcised, so I use it when I touch myself. It’s not a frequent occasion, that’s why the bottle is full.”

_And you thought it was for her._

"I'm not circumcised, so I didn't know that it was necessary," he muttered before brushing his hair back in a nervous gesture. It seemed almost ridiculous to feel jealous about something like that. It was obvious that Hoseok slept with her. "So, I felt jealous even though it's obvious that you are close to her."

“Ah…” Hoseok kissed his shoulder and played with the lube between his fingers. “Are you jealous because you’re not at home? It feels strange, right? Last time was two weeks ago, I think. Feels way longer somehow. But just know that only seeing Elias made me feel like my lungs were burning because he could see your face when you felt pleasure and I couldn’t.”

"Now you can," he breathed out and reached for Hoseok's wrist as he led it towards his behind, holding his breath briefly before relaxing. "I want to feel like there's only us."

“I want it too, because if I’m honest I feel as if there’s no space for Elias and no space for Yura either. Just for you and me. It’s just enough for us,” Hoseok muttered in reply, before he felt a hot exhale against his ear as soon as the soft fingertips touched the sensitive skin and circled his entrance.

His body trembled in anticipation and he pushed against the digits to show Hoseok how much he wanted it, that there was no need to be experienced because Hyungwon was able to lead him.

"Make me moan," he hissed and grabbed a fistful of Hoseok's hair, ready to pull when the first spark of pleasure shot through him.

“Suddenly, I’m thankful for anatomy and pathology classes,” Hoseok gasped as his fingers dug into the spot that felt best, rubbing it. The position was a bit strange, but the other man did an amazing job, getting his hair pulled as a reward and moaning loudly.

Hyungwon found himself getting impatient as he moved his hips against Hoseok's fingers and moaned with each perfect stab. It felt so good that he got dizzy in a matter of seconds and even if he had attempted to keep his grip on Hoseok's hair light, he wouldn't be able to.

"Just like that-" he moaned and threw his head back while attempting to spread his legs. "Give me another."

Maybe it was due to lack of experience or the other man’s insecurity, but the intrusion was so soft, almost natural, as if Hoseok tried his best not to hurt him. If he thought about back then, it must’ve been a character trait, staying throughout the years and making him feel taken care of. “Like that?” Hoseok asked, finding the right spot and stabbing it in regular intervals.

"Y-yeah," he forced out, not attempting any more words because it felt too good to speak. He still tried to push his hips down and speed up the motions, too impatient to go slow. He didn't want to go slow. Hyungwon wanted to drown his thoughts with pleasure and for Hoseok to feel the same. He wanted the rough breaths to turn into loud groans the way they had before.

_He wanted to see your face. It's what he dreamt of._

Holding his breath, he forced himself to pull his hips away and gasped for air a few times before rolling on his back and pulling Hoseok on top of him.

"I want you to look at me," he whispered and cupped Hoseok's gorgeous face, kissing those curved lips.

“I can’t look anywhere else,” the low voice replied and Hoseok settled on top of him, leaning in to deepen the kiss. “I want you. I want you so fucking much, Hyungwon.”

"Then come here and have me," he replied and wrapped his legs around the muscular behind. Everything about Hoseok was perfect and he couldn't get enough of it. His hands roamed the other man's beautiful body and he kept kissing the hot lips. Why did this feel so different even though he had been with so many people before?

“Do you… have condoms? Because... I don’t,” Hoseok muttered, chewing on his lips and letting him feel the heavy weight of his body.

Hyungwon licked over his lips, aware that there were a few condoms in his wallet, hidden away in his jeans. He knew that he had them, but there was an urge to keep quiet about it, to just shake his head instead.

_Because he was close to her without._

"I do," he admitted finally, simply because he didn't want to lie to Hoseok. "But… can't you be with me like you were with her?"

The surprise in the black eyes didn't go past him and made him feel a bit insecure about his demands, but the truth stayed the same.

"Are you sure? You know that I'm yours without doing that, right?" Hoseok asked, still chewing on his pretty lips. "I feel close with you no matter if you use protection or not and I don't want to forsake your feeling of safety."

"I- I know, but-" He swallowed again, unable to explain why it mattered so much. Hoseok was right that there was no need to prove anything. Both of them had shown how much they felt for each other often enough. There were no doubts anymore, there shouldn't be any, but still the desire to feel all of Hoseok remained. "But I still want to."

"You know that there's a risk because I worked in air rescue and there's always a false negative, so what am I telling you… but if you want to do it, I want to do it too," Hoseok whispered in reply, looking overwhelmed but at the same time the blush on the pretty cheeks increased and the black eyes glanced at the lube in his hand.

"Sleep with me," he murmured and loosely wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, stroking over his protruding ears and tracing the paths to his neck. He wanted him so much, to forget about everything else, about where they were and to pretend that there were only the two things they loved in their lives.

_Work and each other._

Hoseok took the lube that he left on the sheets and prepared, looking a bit nervous, but as he realized from the countless times of observing the other man, it was never enough to stop. The insecurity was there, but it was like an addition, something that made him more lovable.

"Sleep with me," the low voice echoed at him before he felt the warm fingers around his thighs that lifted his body and Hoseok used his own pillow to put it under his hips. "Like this?" the gorgeous man asked, taking the thick length into his hand, delicate fingers not quite closing around it. Hoseok bit down on his bottom lip and spread some lube at his entrance before pushing his broad tip against it. The pale chest that rose and fell with quick breaths, the bulging muscles in the milky thighs and Hoseok's intense gaze that was focused on his face were arousing beyond belief.

Hyungwon couldn't rip his gaze away and he also didn't want to. His arms wrapped tighter around the broad neck and he moaned against Hoseok's curved lips when he finally felt how the other man filled him out, making him forget about everything around him. He didn't say anything and only focused on what he could see and feel. The warmth surrounding him, the pleasure in his groin and the affection he could see on Hoseok's face.

Even though he couldn't know for sure, it seemed as if Hoseok was feeling with him, reacting to every single contraction and unable to remove his gaze from his face.

"This feels intense," Hoseok whispered, moving forward when he relaxed until their thighs touched. "Holy fuck, I can feel you so well."

He smiled at that and let his fingers caress Hoseok's cheek before wrapping his legs tightly around the other man's hips and pressing him flush against his body. Hyungwon wanted to bask in every second, memorize it the way he had the first time they had been close.

"Move," he breathed out and used his nails to scratch over Hoseok's shoulders as soon as the other man pulled his hips back as far as he could without slipping out of him. "You're made for me, Hoseok."

Hoseok smiled briefly before rolling his hips, and both his moan and the other man's low sounds mixed surrounded by the walls of the bedroom that he didn't belong in and Hoseok wanted to escape, but after making this room theirs just like that, they could make anything work.

Couldn't they?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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CHAPTER 13

Sometimes his current life felt like one of those dreams where he got everything he wanted without making a single sacrifice. Like now. When he lay in the big, comfortable bed with Hyungwon in his arms, in the big house that he bought in Zurich, without his wife around and without having to hurt his children.

_But you will hurt them because you want to be with him so much that everything else seems unbearable._

He had been selfish when he made the arrangement with Yura and he was selfish now. He knew that the woman next to him didn’t want to stop, didn’t want anything to change, but still, he couldn’t bear it. Even now, he was selfish enough to push his thoughts away and to focus on the warmth of Hyungwon’s body next to him.

The sex had been intense. They didn’t use protection and Hoseok doubted that it had been the reason for the intensity of the experience. It must’ve been the fact that Hyungwon wanted him to be his, here in the bedroom that he shared with somebody else.

He didn’t mention it out loud, but Hyungwon wasn’t the only one who felt alien, as if he didn’t belong in the fancy walls full of designer furniture. The feeling was the same for him. It was hard to understand it at first, but now that he didn’t have the incredible arousal burning his thoughts down, he understood that it must’ve been the same for him. He didn’t want to be here. It wasn’t his place to be and he was only able to bear it because Hyungwon was next to him.

When he glanced to the side and saw Yura’s book, her glasses and the framed pencil drawing of his wife when she was a little girl, he felt the familiarity, but there was nothing else. Just the fact that he knew those things, had seen them before, that they belonged to the woman he was with. The woman that he was about to leave.

_You will leave._

The knowledge was as natural as the realization that he loved Hyungwon. He was at fault, Hoseok knew it well. He knew that he was breaking a relationship, hurting a person that he promised to be with, raise their children together, be close to. Hoseok was going to break it, leave the woman he was married to and had children with and hurt the two little beings by ripping a part of their world apart because he was selfish and didn’t feel as if he could bear it.

_She wouldn’t have done it. That’s what she said. That she had been in love before, but never considered breaking what you have._

He couldn’t. A glance to the side, seeing the huge eyes that were observing him without him realizing and he knew once again that he couldn’t bear it. That he wanted to be with Hyungwon, no matter if it worked out in the end. There was no other way.

_You can’t ruin it the second time. You had your first chance and you walked away. You can’t do it again._

The painful knowledge of how it felt to leave a person you loved behind still burned every single time that he remembered. Remembered the tears in the big eyes and how the big hands sunk into the pink hair as Hyungwon begged him to tell him why.

_You won’t do this anymore. You can’t._

No matter what, Hyungwon grew up to be a better human than him somehow. Righteous and honest, not running away from discomfort and taking responsibility for what he was doing, for the feelings that he had hurt. There was a lot he could learn from.

_He told his ex-boyfriend about the change of feelings, even though he liked him a lot and you are lying here, in the bed that you’re supposed to share with your wife and are pitying yourself._

“I know it’s been years, but I don’t think I ever apologized for hurting you back then. I think I should. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you closure and that I had been dishonest with you. I loved you so much but I must’ve loved myself more,” he whispered, tracing the shape of Hyungwon’s round face with his fingertips, lips unwillingly spreading into a smile because of how beautiful the person in his arms was. “I remembered because I will leave Yura, but at the same time my insecurities tell me to compare situations, that you were a better person back then and grew up to be a better person now, caring and taking responsibility for hurting other people’s feelings and being honest. I… I admire you, really. I feel like there needs to be a way to keep myself from hurting others, but it won’t work, will it?”

Hyungwon listened intently, gaze switching from one of his eyes to the space in between, as if the other man was looking for something.

"Sometimes… it's inevitable to hurt another person," the low voice murmured. "It's still a choice, but one that involves hurt on both sides. You've made choices before too, only that you mistakenly chose to hurt us both back then. I- I'm not better than you, Hoseok. I have merely drawn different conclusions from what happened back then. I decided not to keep my feelings silent anymore."

He shook his head because Hyungwon was wrong. Inhaling deeply, he repeated the motion of his fingertips as he replied. “I didn’t choose to hurt us both. I made a choice to protect myself from the mere possibility that you would hurt me. It’s a difference. I can still remember how you asked me to tell you why. That shocked me.”

_You suddenly think about the past a lot. Is it because you are supposed to make another decision and are fucking scared?_

"But people make mistakes. Mine was that I gave up on you." Hyungwon's fingers moved from their spot on his side and stroked over his chest, index finger writing his name along his solar plexus. "Are you still afraid to get hurt, Hoseok?"

_Are you?_

He thought about the feelings in his chest when he thought about leaving, what kind of consequences it had, how his family would react. A sigh left his lips and he nodded briefly. “I guess so. But this time it’s a different kind of fear. It’s the fear that I will hurt my kids and I can’t handle them being hurt very well… I guess it comes from being at work all the time, accumulated guilt and the thought that keeping their picture of a family undamaged is literally the only thing I’m doing right.”

"I cannot really imagine it because I'm not a father but-" Hyungwon turned just enough to align their faces and observed him for a few seconds before continuing. "But I wonder if children are happy next to two people that don't love each other. Isn't it Important to see affection, to learn from a role model? My parents constantly kissed, also in front of me and to me it was therefore only natural to show affection. But… that's not everything."

The other man broke the eye contact and seemed uncomfortable for a few seconds as he drew arbitrary patterns on his chest.

"You seem to think that your children don't care about your happiness, but that's not true, Hoseok. Areum cares so much more than you think. She called me a helicopter because I am able to make you smile the way emergencies did. She was so worried about you, about you being miserable all this time. Areum thought that it was her fault, she told me."

_Her fault?_

Hoseok felt a bit pathetic at how his heart rate went up only due to the low voice mentioning a helicopter, but that was the other thing that was able to make him feel perfectly happy. “Her fault? What do you mean?” he asked, wondering how his daughter managed to have intimate talks with Hyungwon during the very rare occasions in which they met.

"Areum told me that it's her fault that you stopped flying on helicopters. She… overheard you talking on the phone and mentioning that the child was her age." Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and stroked over his hair and nape, as if he already anticipated Hoseok's reaction. "She thinks that you would still be flying on helicopters and be happy if she didn't exist."

_Happy if she didn’t exist?_

He swallowed because he immediately imagined his daughter thinking that it had been her fault, even though she didn’t do anything wrong. “Yura doesn’t know. I guess Areum heard me talking to the pilot as I explained why I decided to leave the air rescue. This kid… does all kinds of things.” Biting down on his lip, he inhaled sharply because the thought alone made him feel like crying. “She really… told you that?”

Hyungwon nodded slowly before wrapping his long arms around him and stroking over his hair. The other man was so quick at reading his emotions without the need to say anything, acting instantly instead.

"She said that nobody knows, not even her mother. She thanked me for making you happy because you're smiling again." Again, Hyungwon inhaled and chewed on his lip. "That is also why I think that your children wouldn't want you to be miserable. They already don't, Hoseok."

“But they don’t want Yura to be miserable either, do they?” He sighed and pulled the warm body closer, acting selfish again because he felt so vulnerable suddenly.

_Because he mentioned the reason you stopped._

“I still hate myself for that. But I didn’t know that she heard me and I didn’t think she would make those conclusions either. I just couldn’t help it because the child had been her age and she could’ve been saved. If I didn’t make a mistake that is. I just felt as if I couldn’t be happy anymore if that family had to bear their kid dying. I have no right,” he whispered and looked to the side. “It’s enough that I am about to hurt people around me because I can’t bear being without you.”

"You have a right, Hoseok." Suddenly, Hyungwon climbed on top of him and cupped his face, eyes attentive and only partially reflecting the light that entered the room from outside. "You have a right because you were the one who did his best to save her. You wanted to save her and the fact that you feel this way now proves it. A mistake doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be happy anymore. If it did, then none of us would deserve happiness."

A kiss was pressed to his lips before Hyungwon lifted up to look at him again. "Please… stop punishing yourself. Haven’t you suffered enough already?"

“If I punished myself for everything that I did wrong I wouldn’t be done as long as I’m alive, so I’m being a bit selfish and only do the necessary, namely preventing myself from making another mistake. I guess I got lucky that I met you. I kept thinking that one can’t have two good things at once. I lost you and gained med school and emergency medicine, I lost the ability to do air rescue, but I found you. Isn’t life interesting?” He chuckled and cleared his throat, looking to the side, just like he always did when he tried to avoid conversation. Just that he had never been naked and had a person sitting on top of him when he did that. It must’ve been two in the morning. They should’ve been sleeping.

"But what if you _can_ have two things at once?" Hyungwon leaned in and used the fact that he turned his head to lick over the shell of his ear and suck on his earlobe before leaving marks all the way down to his collarbone. "If somebody does an amazing job 99 percent of the time, would you force them to stop because of that 1 percent? You didn't see Dr. Roth afterwards, Hoseok, but I did. She was _amazed_ by what you could do and kept thanking me. Fuck- _I_ was amazed. I had never seen you like that, as if you're taking over your surroundings, in perfect control. You took my breath away, Hoseok, simply by doing what you love. I wish I could see more of that, more of that determination on your face and adrenaline in your veins."

It was an intense feeling to hear the person he loved talking about wanting him to do what he loved most. Due to the late hour, his post orgasmic bliss and the strange situation, his mind somehow played with the thought of doing air rescue again. He remembered the pilot, the paramedics who asked him if he was interested to continue, the feeling that he had when he jumped into the helicopter, the pumping of his heartbeat, even after he was done and stumbled to the radiology department to cry because he was so fucking happy.

“Do you think that people can change overnight?” he asked, finally returning his gaze to the handsome face that lifted from his collarbones. The bitemarks burned on his neck and the adrenaline reminded him once again of how good it felt. How much he loved it.

"If there is something intense that brings about that change, then yes," Hyungwon whispered and rested his weight on his forearms on each side of Hoseok's face. The other man's lips were right above his, breaths caressing his face but not that beautiful mouth. "Am I intense enough to do that? To make you reconsider and try again?"

“You are,” he whispered back, eyes rolling back as he bared his neck. “Bite me more. I like the thoughts I have when you do.”

Hyungwon hummed and closed his lips around a patch right at his jugular, making him gasp before the sensation disappeared again.

"Promise me that you will try," the low voice whispered as he felt a hot tongue against the mark that Hyungwon's teeth left on his skin. Another mark followed as the seconds ticked by.

“Do you…” he started, letting out another gasp and curling his spine because of the intensity Hyungwon was able to give him just like that. “Do you think that I’ll be able to?”

He felt Hyungwon smile as the handsome face lifted to look at him, lips red.

"I think you are made for it, Hoseok," the other man breathed out and leaned in to lick over his curved lips. "Just like you are made for me."

Hyungwon let a few moments pass before nibbling on his jaw downwards, covering his neck in light bites again. Right before reaching the spot that Hoseok enjoyed the most, the sensations stopped again, leaving him whimpering for more. Hyungwon knew so well what he liked and how quickly he lost his mind because the adrenaline made him dizzy.

“More,” he breathed out and stroked up the other man’s lean thighs, skin tingling and waiting for the sensation to hit him.

"Then promise me that you will try."

“Mhm,” he hummed, curling his spine and eyes rolling back. His reward was instant, teeth that sank into his skin and left a mark right below his ear, followed by more towards his shoulders.

“I’m not sure if you make me think clearly for once or if you’re making me so dizzy that I can’t get what’s happening,” he whispered and chuckled, licking his lips and sitting up to catch Hyungwon’s lips with his own to taste him. To know that they were indeed together on his bed, that the marks from the other man’s sharp teeth were still there, that he promised to try going on emergency operations again.

"I'm merely giving you a glimpse beyond your fears," Hyungwon whispered against his lips and smiled, fingers tightening in his hair and tugging as if they knew exactly what he was waiting for.

_No. He knows what you love and thinks that you deserve to have it all._

_

The days passed like a breath, quick, filled with work and without seeing his wife as she extended her stay for emotional support, probably unwilling to face him and listen to what he was preparing to talk about.

_She feels that this is not going to get better. She’s not somebody to run away, contrary to you._

His fingers had typed out the number of the air-rescue headquarters that was still on number one in his shortcuts, but he never managed to call. Instead he used the free minutes between scheduled surgeries and patient aftercare to call some landlords to look at a few apartments around the hospital. Thankful that he was privileged enough to afford to rent out another place to live, he used the thirty-minute break in the afternoon to look at two apartments and decide on one that was located between hospital and gym.

_You are forgetting about your routine and soon it’ll get even more stressful._

It was his fault - his feelings that changed - so he should be the one to leave. Yura didn’t do anything wrong, and the kids had enough of changing schools and their environment for him, so he was definitely the one who had to bear the change. The thought alone that he would not live together with his children made his chest hurt, but no matter how long he stared at himself in the mirror after washing his hands, there didn’t seem to be a different solution for this. He wanted to stop being with Yura, so he needed to move out and there was no way that his wife would have given him the kids.

“I saw you wearing a red jacket last week, I thought I was dreaming but Dr. Roth told me that you helped the team by filling in for a colleague who had a stroke.” Dr. Kim’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he focused his gaze on the other man, realizing that he didn’t have an opportunity to talk to him after searching for Hyungwon after the brain surgery.

_You are only thinking about Hyungwon and nothing else, aren’t you?_

He felt bad for not taking initiative and talking to Namjoon, who had helped him after his terrible mistake, after deciding to quit air rescue and finding the job here at the hospital. Namjoon had done a lot for him and supported him as a friend, without expecting anything back.

_You suck at this ‘not getting involved with people’ business._

“I’m sorry, my life is going in double loops currently and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next,” he murmured truthfully. Looking around to make sure nobody was eavesdropping, Hoseok met his friend’s gaze and sighed. “I’m about to end things with Yura.”

Dr. Kim’s eyes widened in a way he hasn’t seen before and long fingers wrapped around his wrist, pulling him into the office. Namjoon was probably right, the topic wasn’t made for hospital hallways.

“You’re leaving Yura? But why? What happened?” A few moments passed and the other man let go of his wrist, crossing his arms in front of his chest and staring at him through the thick lenses of his glasses.

“What happened? I… met a person from many years ago and fell in love, I guess,” he whispered, smiling briefly because the image of Hyungwon’s soft features and pink hair appeared on his mind as he was speaking.

“I see. And it’s enough to leave your family?”

_You could never leave your family._

“No. I don’t want to leave the kids. I want to be with a different person, but they are still my kids. How does that change, only because the feelings towards my partner change?” Hoseok walked into the office and sat on one of the chairs that he had used back then when he told his friend about the dreams that were haunting him. “You know the dreams I told you about? It was about that person.”

“Listen. There are dreams that don’t mean anything. To be honest, most dreams don’t mean fucking anything because it’s your brain cleaning up all the trash protein. Ask Dr. Chae, he will tell you.” Namjoon walked over and leaned against the desk next to him. “This is a big deal, Hoseok. Are you… I mean, are you sure that you really want to leave her? What did she say to that?”

“It’s not about the dreams at all. It’s about me. About how I am with him or with other people. One is always kind of different depending on the person one is with, right? Like, I am acting differently with you than I am with Yura or with him. I like myself more with him. I like how he makes me feel and I like the thoughts I’m thinking, I like the influence he has on me and I like how he sees me. It’s not that Yura isn’t enough or did something wrong. It’s that she’s simply not the right person.”

The silence stretched between them for a long time before Hoseok glanced at his friend and met the confused gaze. “Him? You’re leaving Yura for a man?” Namjoon asked, chewing on his cheek and looking insecure.

_He’s surprised._

“Yes. I personally don’t think that it makes a difference. I don’t think Yura will be less angry either. It’s simply the way it is. I’m just… not used to hurting others and having to leave people I love along with the person that I want to leave. I want to be with somebody else and I don’t want to leave my children, but there’s no way…” Hoseok sighed and buried his face in both palms that smelled like disinfectant. Sure, he didn’t have time and now it was about balancing work, workout routine, Hyungwon and his children that he couldn’t just put to bed because they knew that he wouldn’t be there anymore. He would stop being their dad who lived in the same house, who they moved to a different city with, who was there when they woke up in the night after a nightmare, tugging on his arm and whispering to sing them a good night song once again. Instead he would become a person who just came by. Like a guest. A guest.

_Isn’t that what Yura told you back then? That you would be a guest if you two didn’t marry? And that’s what you will become now._

“This will suck, Hoseok.” Namjoon shifted closer and he felt the weight of the other man’s hand on his shoulder, the fingers that squeezed it briefly to show compassion. He appreciated it.

“I guess it will. The thing is that I agreed to marry because I didn’t want to be a stranger to my child, but in the end that’s what I will become and it will probably hurt more.”

Namjoon hummed, hand remaining on his shoulder and making it easier to talk about all those things that were on his mind and that he didn’t dare to bother Hyungwon with. The low voice that usually talked too fast but sounded surprisingly calm gave him some science on how children are unhappier if they live with parents who aren’t getting along well before Namjoon sat in the chair next to him and waited until he looked up from his palms.

“You feel guilty and even though I don’t have children, I do understand it, I think. I won’t talk as a friend now, but as a specialist. Make sure that you give the little ones all your attention during this time that you’re leaving. They need to know that you’re not leaving them, but words don’t mean much as you know, it’s usually the actions that make a difference,” the other man commented. “You sound as if you’re in love and that’s important, you deserve it, really, just that this time is crucial for the two. You need to make them understand that it’s not because of them. That you still love them, that you’re here for them. Don’t ruin their routine, they live for it and as you said, they’re involved in this too.”

_You need to make sure that they know that you love them._

“I will. Yura is bringing them home today and I wanted to talk to her and then talk to them.” He sighed, feeling a bit helpless because it would’ve been easier to have the opportunity to talk to Yura first before the kids returned home and had to prepare for school.

“Make sure that you have a separate children's room in your new apartment. Like that they can feel like home when they visit you,” Namjoon muttered and sighed too. “I hope that it’ll make you happy. Otherwise it’s not worth it.”

The mention of worth reminded him of the talk with Hyungwon. How the other man described their situation. That it wasn’t about worth, but about the decision they made, without knowing about the future and being unable to foresee whether it worked out the way they wanted it to.

“I have a room for them. I don’t want them to feel as if they’re guests. If you found yourself in my situation… how would you know if something is worth it?” he asked, meeting Namjoon’s gaze as he stood up and stretched.

“Improvement. I would ask myself whether my situation improved, whether I feel better, have more energy, am happier, less miserable. I’m sure that you wouldn’t make that decision out of boredom, don’t get me wrong. Just- I’m a divorce kid and my parents didn’t manage to make it a trauma-free experience for me. It was a long time before I realized that it wasn’t my fault. Children are so quick to think that the bad things are happening because they exist, you know? Just- please try to do anything you can to spare them this feeling. It’s terrible.” His friend chewed on his cheek as he walked around his desk and sat down, sorting some documents that didn’t need to be sorted. “I know that you love your job more than anything, but if you want advice from me, try taking fewer shifts to be there for your kids. Especially now.”

_He’s telling you to rearrange your priorities for now._

It was hard to swallow because it meant that his decisions had way deeper implications than he had previously thought, not only affecting his routine and his family life but also his job, the place that he spent most time and energy on. There was this light feeling in the back of his head that maybe he should leave everything the way it was, continue living his life and look how it went with Hyungwon, but the bite mark burning on his collarbone reminded him that he hadn’t been awake all this time.

That it was time to wake up and take responsibility for real.

_

“You aren’t sleeping yet, right?” he asked as he sat on the edge of the blue bed and reached out to stroke over his daughter’s black hair. Hoseok made sure that Riku was already sleeping, hugging his sun pillow and rolled up like a little caterpillar. Placing a kiss against the small head he walked to Areum’s bed and met the girl’s gaze.

“I’m not. What did you actually do when we were gone? Mom said she was at a friend’s place and had lots of fun. What did you do? Did you just… work again?”

_She’s worrying about you way more than you think. That’s why Hyungwon knows better about what she’s thinking than you._

“Are you worried? I did work a lot, but you know what? I also went on a helicopter again. Hyungwon made me.” He smiled because sharing it with his daughter seemed right and he felt happy just thinking about it. The gorgeous smile that he got in return in addition to a sound that almost woke Riku up was the perfect reward for his openness.

“For real? That’s all kinds of awesome! Will you continue flying? Hyungwon promised me that he would make you and he managed! I need to thank him!” Areum was pulling at his sleeve and jumped a bit in her bed from excitement.

“Yeah, for real. I even wore the red jacket and I liked it so much. I almost forgot how much I loved doing it and I’m thankful to Hyungwon and I’m also thankful to you, do you know why?” Again, he reached out and brushed a black lock from the girl’s black eyes that immediately focused on him. Areum looked older somehow when she shook her little head.

“Because Hyungwon told me that you worried about me and it made me feel loved. I didn’t know that you heard what I said on the phone. I wanted to talk to you about it. I want you to know that you are not the reason that I stopped flying. The reason that I stopped flying was a mistake that I made that cost the life of a child. And the thought that somebody lost their child made me feel so miserable because I thought about you and how much I love you that I didn’t feel like I had the right to do it anymore. Not because I have you, but because having you in my life made me understand how miserable that child’s parents must have felt to lose somebody so precious to them. I was and I am really sorry about it still.”

It was silent and only the round black eyes stared at him in the dark before he felt thin fingers wrap around his wrist.

“Do you think the kid… the one that isn’t here anymore… Do you think the child would think the same? Do you think they would blame you a lot? Because I thought about being in a bad accident and seeing blood everywhere and then having that doctor with a red jacket taking care of me. I thought that it would make me feel very calm. I don’t think I would’ve blamed him because I think that he did his best. I would feel thankful.”

Hoseok lifted his hand to wipe the tears that rolled down his cheeks because the way his daughter explained it managed to make him feel something that nobody ever did. No other medical professional who talked about making mistakes and no pilot, who told him that things like that happen. It made him feel as if there had been something precious in what he did. The big brown eyes that had looked at him when he prepared the child for transport, before knowing that he was making a big mistake by choosing the hospital. The look in those eyes hadn’t been fear.

“Thank you so much for saying that,” he whispered, smiling to not freak the little girl out too much with his sudden tears. “I think I know what you mean and you’re right. The child didn’t look scared at all. I’m still so sorry about what happened. To be honest, I wanted to tell you something else today, because something happened during the past few days and it’s important to me and it will change quite some things…”

“Are you leaving us?” Areum asked, fingers tightening around his wrist as the little girl shifted closer, ready to throw away the blanket and wrap around him. The words hurt because it was the first thing on his daughter’s mind. It must’ve been a fear, but it was even more important to address it. To take Namjoon’s advice and make sure that she didn’t think that he was leaving them. That it was their fault.

“I will never leave you both because contrary to a relationship that we talked about, there is no way for me to stop loving you. It’s forever. Like the mole next to my belly button. But remember how you asked me whether Hyungwon is my boyfriend and told me that you think that mom is my friend? You might have been right about that before I myself realized. I really like Hyungwon and I like your mom, just that I don’t want to be as close to her anymore, that’s why I will have to sleep somewhere else from now on. It’s weird if I say that it has nothing to do with you, because you will still worry, right? That’s why I got an apartment and would like you two to help me buy new furniture for your room so you can stay with me when you like and I will also work a bit less, so we can spend more time together. You both might be sad about it and I fear that your mom will be sad about it too, but this is the only solution I see right now.” He sighed and pulled the girl into his arms along with her thick blanket. “I know that all the things I say don’t mean much because you don’t feel it yet, but I want to be here when you do, okay? I want to be here when you feel sad because you miss me and I want to be here to tell you that it’s not your fault at all and that I’m so so so happy that I have you in my life, right now and always. I’m trying to become happy because I think that I will be able to make you happier too.”

The little arms curled around him, quiet sobs shaking the little body. His own tears that rolled down his cheeks in the dark and the moisture against his collarbones from the tears of his little daughter made him feel what Namjoon meant when he said that words meant nothing, because in the end he just told his child that he was going to leave and right at that moment, there was only pain and helplessness and nothing else mattered.

***

'I found an apartment.'

The message that blinked on his phone screen was the first in a while. Its rarity was even more reason to smile and feel a rush of adrenaline passing through his veins. There were several reasons to feel excited and Hyungwon had missed that feeling over the past five days. Since he slept at Hoseok's home, sharing his bed instead of his wife.

_You missed it because he barely wrote to you, obviously busy._

The single message provided an explanation, reasons for Hoseok's lack of contact and the short and rare messages that he wrote. Looking for an apartment meant that Hoseok was serious about this, about wanting to break something established in order to be with him. There was something that occupied Hoseok, but that something was partially for him.

_He really wants to be with you, don't doubt him._

Hyungwon would have loved to say that there wasn't a single hint of doubt on his mind. But he couldn't, not while sitting on his couch, wrapped up in his blanket and feeling the same kind of loneliness that he hated the most. The feeling of emptiness that started out at the tips of his fingers and turned his apartment into a gigantic void, coloring everything into a bland grey and not even leaving him with thoughts of work that plastered a smile on his face.

_You needed him today._

It was the loneliness that Hoseok had been able to defeat with his presence, with his words and with his warm hands. Even messages hadn't been able to erase it, to make him feel like there was somebody out there thinking about him and staring at the ceiling in the same way he did.

_It feels lonely when your messages remain unanswered when you need it the most._

Hyungwon fumbled with the blanket he had wrapped around himself and reached for the device, quickly typing an answer. Even though the loneliness remained he felt excited, excited about Hoseok working towards being with him. Moving out meant that there was a place that belonged entirely to Hoseok, a place that Hyungwon was able to fill out with himself in the same manner that Hoseok was able to fill out the space that felt so terribly empty to him now.

'That's amazing! I hope you like it,' he wrote and curled his fingers a few times, still affected by the adrenaline. He wanted to know where it was, run there right this instant and wrap his arms around Hoseok's neck the way he wanted to for the last five days. Always.

_You miss him so much._

Two days of not meeting up in private had been terrible, but five felt like torture. Hyungwon couldn't even remember how he made the evenings pass before, before he was aware of how empty it was without Hoseok.

_You were just like this, alone on the couch hugging yourself instead of the person you want to be with._

Hoseok's message distracted him from the terrible surgery he had that day and he wondered if Hoseok knew that he did and therefore wrote to him.

_Before he would have been in front of your door._

He tried not to think about it. It was wrong to compare somebody's behavior while feelings develop and after. Attention is different too and Hoseok was apparently busy with organizing a move and settling things with his family. Hyungwon could understand that. It must have been terrible, eating Hoseok from the inside if the way he reacted to his daughter blaming herself was anything to judge by.

_Only that you thought he would accept your help in this instead of doing it on his own and making you wait._

Hyungwon kept staring at his phone, but Hoseok hadn't seen his answer yet despite writing to him about a minute ago. It was so little time, but still enough for the other man to be occupied with something else already.

_Maybe you're not enough for more than a minute of attention at the moment._

His gaze focused on the ceiling that was perfectly white and had absolutely nothing to look at. He hated how the silence made him draw associations and recognize similarities in Hoseok's behavior, the rare messages and the lack of contact at work.

_He's probably fighting with himself to get back into emergency medicine. You have to be patient._

The sound of his phone's vibration made him jerk and he immediately grabbed it to read Hoseok's answer. He had anticipated more information about the apartment, the address, maybe even an invitation because the other man was feeling just as lonely as he was.

'It's really nice, right in the middle between the gym and the clinic,' Hoseok had answered instead. A meaningless description of the location without revealing anything. Hyungwon would have described it like that to a colleague he had nothing to do with during a brief talk at lunch.

It hurt, but he took a deep breath and tried to look for an explanation. There were many.

Hoseok must have been feeling terrible because of the new apartment, because of moving out and pulling through even though Yura hates it and the kids are going to miss him. There must have been countless thoughts on the other man's mind, doubts that Hoseok was dealing with on his own. It was understandable, it was. Hyungwon only needed to be a little patient.

What were a few days compared to over fifteen years, right?

_

His fingers were trembling from excitement and Hyungwon would have been angry had Hoseok not been the source.

_You can't be making mistakes at work though._

Curling his hands tighter around the handle bar, he steered past the huge parking spot of the clinic. The smile on his face must have looked silly and he promised himself to contain it as soon as he entered the clinic to not embarrass himself. A brief glance to the right didn't reveal Hoseok's car, but it was relatively dark and the other man could have also chosen a different parking area.

_You're almost there._

His excitement almost made him stumble as he jumped off his bike ahead of time and felt uneasy on his legs. A few moments were enough to catch himself though and quickly lock his bike before hurrying towards the neurosurgery department. He had been waiting for this day for the whole week, maybe even two.

_You're finally going to see him properly, work together even if you can't see him in private._

Hoseok had declined each time Hyungwon asked to meet up and at this point a shift was the only way to be able to see the other man. It was the first one they shared in a while, especially since Hoseok had dropped several despite never doing that before. Hyungwon didn't have an explanation yet, neither for Hoseok working less nor for the lack of meetups. It could have been the move and Hoseok's preparations, struggles with his family. A lot of things were possible and Hyungwon still hoped that the other man was going to come to him, to let him participate and support him. Hoseok wasn't alone in this and now Hyungwon finally had the chance to tell him that face to face, to remind him that he cared about him and wanted to help in every way possible.

_You'll see him again, properly, after almost two weeks._

He hurried along the hallway towards his office and threw his bag on top of his chair before slipping into his doctor's gown. If he was lucky there wouldn't be much going on and he had more time to spend next to Hoseok and talk, enjoy each other's company while filling out some paperwork if necessary.

The silly smile returned to his face and he hoped that it would fade until his arrival at the coffee machine. There was no other place that was as reliable for localizing Hoseok and when he saw a white gown and brown hair pressing a button, he walked even faster.

_You're being so obvious even though you thought you learned some restraint over the years._

He reached out and placed his palm on top of Hoseok's shoulder, smiling as the other man turned around and revealed blue eyes and prominent eyebrows. Dr. Keller was looking at him in surprise, eyes widened because Hyungwon rarely got physical with any of his colleagues.

_It's not him._

Hyungwon was just about to apologize and check the break room when Dr. Keller smiled back and placed his hands into the pockets of his coat.

"You must have been expecting Dr. Lee. I heard that you two are close. He called me today and asked me to jump in. I hope you don't mind too much." It was a simple explanation and nothing major, a quick replacement that wasn't meaningful for Dr. Keller. Only that his colleague wasn't aware that he had just forced Hyungwon to lie.

"Of course, I don't mind," he replied and chuckled before occupying himself with pressing a button on the coffee machine. He rarely drank coffee, but it felt like he needed it now, needed something to occupy his brain and enable him to focus on work.

_But why did he switch this one, the shift he has with you?_

His cup filled and he lifted it to his lips as Dr. Keller excused himself and made his way towards his own office. His eyes glanced around the narrow hallway, empty with the exception of him and the nurses sharing his shift.

_He switched the one he had with you, the only one._

Bitterness spread on his tongue and the coffee couldn't have explained it. The feeling started out slowly, remaining on his tongue until it clogged up his throat, burned his chest and made him nauseated. Hyungwon felt like he was watching himself in a movie, one that kept repeating the same scene all over again.

The scene of the person he was in love with avoiding him.

He swallowed as bile moved up his throat and brought a wave of dizziness with it. The conclusion was right there in front of him and he must have been blind not to realize it. Hoseok had been barely writing to him, rejecting his offers to meet, reducing his shifts and now exchanging the only shift that he shared with Hyungwon.

_He's avoiding you all over again. Why didn't you realize?_

Had he not felt like emptying his stomach, he might have laughed at how ridiculous it was. A deja vu, history repeating itself. How could there be any better moment for Hoseok to avoid him than after being as close as possible, deciding to trust and be vulnerable around each other? It was perfect, almost a character trait.

_Is he doing this on purpose? Avoiding you after sleeping with you?_

His mind told him not to be so quick, to let himself be hurt all over again, but it was so fucking hard. Sure, Hoseok had apologized for hurting him back then and said that it wasn't the sex but his feelings, but what was it now? His feelings again?

_Why is he doing this if he got an apartment? Is it not to be with you?_

Hoseok wasn't making any sense. Instead of working towards the two things the other man claimed to love, he was rejecting both of them. Hoseok avoided Hyungwon and avoided work by taking less shifts. One might have thought that Hoseok had returned right back to his habit of running away from the things he loves.

_Why is he doing this to you?_

He gasped for air and closed his eyes for a few seconds, struggling to compose himself because he was at work and it was only a matter of time until the first colleague was going to ask about his well-being. The cup of coffee was half full when he poured it away and hurried towards his office, needing to be alone and without curious eyes that observed him breaking down at work.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his waist and leaned against the door. He hated the images that returned to his mind as if they had never been gone. Images of Hoseok not answering his questions, simply turning away and leaving even when he begged him for an explanation. He saw Hoseok with widened eyes, terrified to see him again as he ran and didn't even dare to look at his face, as if there was something terrible about it.

_Now he's unable to look at you all over again, pushing the only opportunity he had to see you._

It hurt, it hurt so fucking much because Hyungwon had been looking forward to this for a week, every single day because it felt like being without Hoseok was ripping him apart. It hurt to know that while he fell apart the man he was in love with easily cancelled their meetings like it was nothing, rejected him like he had no need to see him and be next to him.

Biting down on his bottom lip until it burned, he reached into his pocket with shaking hands and pulled out his phone. Hoseok was the last person he had written to but the message was still unanswered, another source of bitterness on his tongue.

'Why did you push your shift?' he typed before sending it off. There was no accusation, no emotion, nothing. Hyungwon felt too much to be able to put it into a mere text message, into something limited that Hoseok was able to ignore just as easily as everything else. The other man was making it easy for himself again by not having to look at him.

_He struggled because he had to see you and now he's trying to avoid it all over again. What is seeing you doing to him now?_

His phone vibrated in his palm and he held his breath as he stared at the simple sentence that was supposed to explain, to make him feel better.

'It's a long story,' it said, telling him nothing and everything at once.

He swallowed, feeling at the brink of laughing and crying at once. Hoseok was providing him with the same reason he had given him over fifteen years ago.

That he wasn't worth an explanation.

_

A bright smile, a delicate hand that rushed through the air in a hurried wave and quick steps that sounded through the hallway. Nothing else.

The back of a white doctor's gown that flew up from the motion remained in his sight longer than the gorgeous face did. One might have thought Hoseok was drowning in work.

_Difficult when one only takes about half of the shifts._

Hyungwon kept standing in front of his office and staring at the empty hallway. He should have opened the familiar door and returned to the paperwork on his desk, but he didn't because he wanted to get his feelings under control first. There was no room for frustration and hurt when he wanted to focus on work.

_Maybe you should return to making decisions that don't compromise it._

It was ridiculous how many days had passed since he lay in Hoseok's big bed that smelled too sweet with the feeling of the other man's release between his thighs.

_It's been four weeks, Hyungwon. Four fucking weeks._

One might have thought that he dreamt it all up, Hoseok's affectionate words about being unable to be without him, about feeling sorry for ignoring and abandoning him back then. For somebody who couldn't be without him, Hoseok was surely doing an amazing job.

The other man had reduced his shifts by half, spent the past four weeks writing several text messages a day about random things, but nothing more. All of it reminded Hyungwon of Hoseok's first weeks at the clinic, smiles but constant attempts to run away from him, to put distance between them pretending that nothing was wrong.

_He's avoiding you while keeping up friendliness._

The hurt he had felt after recognizing Hoseok's behavior had transformed into a dull ache at this point, a shadow of the tears that had covered the floor of his office which he tried not to think about. What developed in his chest and grew with each time that Hoseok rushed past him was anger and frustration.

_How can he tell you that you're the only one who makes him feel adrenaline if he doesn't even bother to look at you?_

Clenching his fist, he finally ripped open his office door and kicked his chair with so much force that it rolled against the wall with a loud noise. The knock on his office door right after caught him off guard and he quickly plastered a smile on his face as Dr. Schmidt stuck her head through the door crack and asked him if he was doing alright.

"I simply dropped something. I'm sorry about the noise," he muttered apologetically and sighed as soon as the door closed again.

_You can't continue like this. You're a mess._

Hyungwon hated Hoseok for picking him up from the ground only to drop him all over again, without an explanation. All messages he received resembled a pretend friendship. Hoseok bought furniture, sent him a picture of his living room, talked about working out, finally finding some time to shop for groceries. All of it was meaningless and didn't compare to their previous conversations.

_If he wasn't avoiding you, the messages wouldn't hurt as much as they do._

It felt like Hoseok considered him to be an idiot, one that didn't realize what was off only because there were still messages on his phone. An idiot that was going to stay in place and take it after a single attempt.

_The idiot you were back then._

Eyes widening at the conclusion, Hyungwon stared at his wooden desk, at the spot that he was going to occupy to finish up some paperwork while Hoseok was going to prepare to go home. The other man had finished his appointments for the day and wanted to leave earlier again.

_But you're doing it again, letting him get away with it._

His hands trembled once again and he dug his nails into his palms as he slipped out of his doctor's gown and threw it on the chair.

_Why are you letting him do this all over again? Because you are in love and vulnerable?_

Hyungwon had promised himself to never give up that easily again, to never let anybody hurt him by leaving him in the dark.

_If he changed his mind about wanting to be with you, he has to have the guts to say it. You can't make it this easy for him._

The decision was made before Hyungwon had the time to come up with what he wanted to say once they were face to face. His gown was already abandoned and he quickly grabbed his bag before almost running out of the building. He had about one and a half hours until he had to be back, but those had to be enough to see Hoseok, to get the answers he needed.

_You can't be silent and hurt anymore. It's enough._

He didn't know where Hoseok was, but the options were limited. The other man parked his car at the main parking area and there was no way for Hoseok to leave the hospital without taking his car. If Hyungwon was lucky then Hoseok didn't have enough time to finish up and drive home yet.

He kept all conversation brief and ran through the hallways to the exit, crossing the parking lot until he saw Hoseok's car on the left side, standing all by itself. A wave of relief washed over him but couldn't eliminate the anger that spiked up as soon as his eyes fell on Hoseok several meters away from his car and his now black hair.

_He's making you this desperate all over again while looking so peaceful and too fucking good._

Hyungwon wanted to wrap his arms around the broad neck instead of having to confront the other man, but he wasn't giving him any choice.

Inhaling sharply, he sprinted the last few meters and grabbed Hoseok's arm right as the other man wanted to get into his car. Pulling him roughly, Hyungwon turned Hoseok and pushed him against the car door, arms trapping the gorgeous man and keeping him from running away. Not this time.

"Gotcha," he hissed, leaving no more than a few centimeters between their faces. He needed to be close enough to read Hoseok's body language, to understand what was going on.

The firm, almost painful grip on his shoulders told him that Hoseok didn't expect him before the fingers lost their strength and let him go again.

"What- what's going on?" the low voice asked, but it was farce, so obvious as the black eyes travelled all over his face and neck.

_He's not unaffected and you can tell._

"Shouldn't you be the one answering that question?" he asked back and lifted an eyebrow as his anger overshadowed the need to be close to Hoseok. The other man was the one who stayed away and seemed to forget about his existence, so why was Hyungwon supposed to explain himself?

"Did something happen?" Hoseok was really trying him as the delicate hands simply fell at the other man's sides as if he wasn't worth being touched.

_Fuck._

He gasped for air and held his breath for a few seconds to not get emotional and vulnerable instead of bringing his point across. Hoseok wasn't going to gain anything from seeing him break down in a parking lot and he didn't fucking want to. He wanted to understand what the hell was going on and why he had to feel like this all over again as soon as Hoseok told him that he wanted to be with him.

"You happened. You fucking happened, Hoseok," he muttered and felt a brief moment of guilt for straight out blaming the other man, even if it was justified this time. "Is there a single moment when you promise something and actually pull through? You said that you cannot be without me? What kind of bullshit was that? You seem to be doing beautifully, splendid and with a constant smile on your lips that doesn't reach your eyes. I can tell, Hoseok. I could always tell, so, why are you doing this to me now?"

"I still can't be without you," the low voice whispered and he saw how Hoseok chewed on his lips as soon as he lifted his gaze to face the person who brought him so much pain during the past few weeks. "I still can't, but at the same time I feel like I have to because otherwise I'll just break because I'm so weak next to you."

_He makes no sense, not unless this is his way of telling you that he changed his mind._

"So, you changed your mind about being with me because you 'have to'?" he asked and pressed his lips into a thin line in disbelief. "Fuck, Hoseok. Which part of 'I'll help you with this and be there for you' did you not understand? What have you even been doing all this time? I thought you were sick and tired of running away from the things you love. Did your feelings change? I asked around and they told me that you didn't even talk to the emergency department yet even though you promised. What the hell is going on?"

"I never changed my mind about you. My feelings didn't change and if they did they're probably pouring out of my ears. I didn't talk to the emergency department. How, if I wasn't even able to see you once in those thirty days? I promised. I keep promising things to so many people, but I have no fucking idea how I'm supposed to keep all those promises. Aren't you tired? Of me?" The round black eyes were staring at him as he was pushing Hoseok against the car even though the other man didn't seem as if he was planning on running away any time soon.

_He wants to be with you, but he's overwhelmed, running away because it's the only thing he knows._

He increased the distance to loosen his hold and sighed, wondering how he was supposed to explain to Hoseok what was wrong with his approach.

"You're overwhelmed and feel like you cannot keep promises?" he asked without expecting an answer and used his right hand to cup Hoseok's face. His fingers trembled because he had missed it so much and once again showed Hoseok how hurt and affected he was. "Have you ever considered talking to me about it? Telling me that you're overwhelmed and don't know what to do? I never wanted you to deal with all of this alone, Hoseok and I know that it must be difficult. That's why...I didn't say anything at first, but it fucking hurts, all over again. Why must you avoid me when you don't know what to do? Can't you just-" His voice broke and he turned to the side, closing his eyes to contain the hurting. "Talk to me."

Somehow, the other man's pale face looked even paler as he reached into the pocket of his jeans and took out his phone, looking at the number that lit up the screen. Hyungwon could observe the change of emotions on Hoseok's face like a movie scene on a big screen, how the curved lips pressed together, how the eyes fluttered shut as the other man held the phone in his shaky fingers. It felt like an eternity, but at some point, the device hit the asphalt and Hoseok kneeled in front of him, wrapping both arms around his thighs.

"I'm sorry for hurting you. I keep doing it and I have no idea how to stop. I can't breathe without you, I swear, please believe me. I haven't breathed properly for the past four weeks. Not even once," the low voice choked out as Hoseok buried his face in the fabric of his suit pants.

Hyungwon didn't know what to do at first, eyes widening in shock because of the sudden switch. It seemed like Hoseok had been fighting with himself, only to crack and kneel in front of him, devastated because of his own actions.

_But his apology doesn't change the fact that you've been miserable for weeks. Even if he was miserable too._

"I don't understand you, Hoseok," he whispered and brushed through the black hair, caressing it with his fingers. "I understand parts of you, but I never understood why you run from the things that you want. You hurt yourself and another person in the process, so I cannot call it selfish, but what is it then? How does it help you? It only ruins you, doesn't it?"

The other man didn't answer first and continued to stay in the same position, vulnerable and hugging his thighs. "When you arrive at the scene and there's an accident, lack of control and chaos, what you have to do is…" Hoseok gasped for air before continuing. "What you have to do is, to make sure that you find the patient, give them the needed treatment if necessary and make sure they can be transported. You have to do all those things first before you can be sure that it will be fine. Then, when you're in the air and all the machines are connected, you can finally take a breath and realize that you haven't been breathing before. That's the point I was trying to get to. Namjoon, Dr. Kim said I can't fuck this up, that my kids will suffer, and they were crying so much. Yura too told me to do my best if I want to see the kids and I have no fucking idea how to prioritize because I want it all, but it doesn't work out. That's why I'm running away from it. Because I can't have the things I love. I'm tired. I am. But more than I'm tired, I'm so sorry to you. I can't just come to you because if I do, I don't want to leave anymore. It's addicting, it makes me weak, it makes the longing unbearable and I don't want anything else. Just you. Like now."

_He's pressured by everything around him and he must feel like you're adding to that pressure instead of helping him._

"Shit- Hoseok," he muttered, speechless because he was still hurt and hated feeling set aside, but at the same time he could tell how helpless the other man felt. Hoseok had to deal with pressure from his wife while attempting to not hurt his children and Hyungwon wanted to be a pillar of support and not another expectation to fulfil.

_He doesn't understand that he could have told you all this._

"Come here." He grabbed Hoseok's arms and pulled him up, instantly hugging the other man tightly as soon as he stood up. The contact was so overwhelming that he inhaled the familiar scent and closed his eyes for a few seconds, reminding himself why he was doing all this. "I understand, Hoseok. I understand that you are pressured and feel helpless. Even if you had told me that you need distance to focus on your children I would have understood, but you need to tell me, Hoseok. You need to tell me these things, so I can help you. If I can help you with the children somehow, then I want to do it. If I can only help you by staying away from you and giving you time, I can also do that, but I need to know. I need to know how to make you happy."

"I don't know how to make them happy and make you happy too. It seems as if it's either the one or the other. I hate not being at work, I hate it so much. I hate not being next to you and I hate that the only things I managed to do during the past four weeks was feel miserable & learn how to get delivery on time so my kids had something to eat when they stayed at my place. These are not your decisions, Hyungwon. You took care of yours so easily and with grace while I'm here telling you all this even though you're the one who has the right to just drop me because- honestly, I think you're better than this." Hoseok leaned back and was breathing those words against his lips and he saw the wet eyes. The handsome man must've cracked under the pressure.

"I'm better than this, which is why I'm standing here, embracing you and telling you to get your shit together and that I'm going to help you." He brushed through the black hair and covered Hoseok's face in careful kisses, tasting the salty drops. "This isn't easy and it's not going to be easy. You can't do this on your own and expect yourself to be perfect. You're doing your best and it's easier when you have support. You're afraid to be with me and not want to leave? Then I'm going to make you because that's what you want. It'll be fine, just- don't push me away without giving me a reason, it breaks me."

Hoseok chuckled suddenly, lifting his hand and staring at it. "Do you know how many times I typed out that I don't want to do any of it and be with you instead? Begging you to come and save me from this? But for once, I wanted to take responsibility for what I did and decided, for fucking once and I still end up making you miserable. I'm so fucking sorry, Hyungwon. For all the times I could've been with you instead of home alone and staring at that pencil drawing I bought because it reminded me of the one that you have in your bedroom." Grabbing his face with both hands, Hoseok brushed his thumbs over his cheeks and swallowed, eyes jumping from one eye to the other. "You can't come with me, can you? I want to take you to my place."

_You have a shift in about an hour._

"I-" He swallowed, struggling with the desire to just abandon everything and be with Hoseok instead. The words warmed him up and returned the feeling of being cared about which he had missed so much. He had missed Hoseok, his voice, his hands and the words that left his lips and told him how the other man felt. An hour wasn't long enough for anything, but it was better than nothing. "I have an hour."

"I'll drive you back on time, get in," the soft lips whispered and he couldn't believe that he hadn't touched them for a month. How could they let it come as far, both of them? "I know I keep promising things I can't keep, but please believe in me one more time. I hate… I really can't stand myself when you're not next to me."

"Then let me be next to you and help you," he whispered as Hoseok wrapped his delicate fingers around his wrist in a caressing motion and opened the car. Hyungwon couldn't remember the last time he entered a car this quickly, yearning to get to Hoseok's apartment faster and be able to wrap his arms around the other man.

Hoseok drove quickly, bridging the distance faster than he should have, but Hyungwon couldn't blame him, not when his hands were buried in his thighs from impatience. When Hoseok stopped the car at a residential building, similar to his own, Hyungwon felt like he drew his first breath since they got going. He knew the area and he would've been mad at the fact that it was literally five minutes by foot from his place, if Hoseok had given him the opportunity.

Hoseok seemed as impatient as he was, quickly opening the front door and running up the two flights of stairs and unlocking the apartment door. His first thought was that the place was spacious, bigger than his, but probably because Hoseok had the need for a children's room. It seemed very minimalistic, but the other man must've been unable to invest much time into furnishing it. Entering the hallway, he stepped out of his shoes before being pulled along past a few doors to a room that turned out to be the bedroom. First, he thought that the other man wanted to be close as fast as possible, but when they both stood in front of the bed, Hoseok grabbed something from the night table and showed him. It was a framed picture of their first kiss in black and white.

_It meant so much to you and now he's sharing that feeling._

"I know that it doesn't make it better and that you have every right in the world to hate me for being like this, but I haven't forgotten about you and I never stopped thinking about you. I wanted to be stable to come to you, but I guess I'm not able to. Will you take me still?"

Hyungwon inhaled sharply and sucked his lips into his mouth, unable to say anything at first because his throat clogged up and his eyes burned. Hoseok got him so easily, with his words, with his genuine affection and the fact that the other man must have loved him, even if he didn't know how to share his concerns.

"Of course, I'll take you, dummy," he whispered and grabbed Hoseok's face with both palms, thumbs tracing the cheekbones. "You don't have to be stable to be with me. Just be you and let me be close."

Leaning in, he covered Hoseok's curved lips with his own and let his arms curl around the broad neck. The scent he had missed filled his nose and it felt perfect, so perfect that he never wanted to leave, not even for work.

_You like him so much that it's scary._

"Don't just take it. Make me prove that I care. I know that I hurt you. I knew it and still did. I'm sorry, Hyungwon. Let me prove that I care for you. I don't know how yet because part of me is still telling me that I don't deserve to be with you because I don't manage to get into a stable state. I'm a mess but you're my helicopter and I feel so good when you're with me. Kiss me. Kiss me until I can't breathe," Hoseok whispered, pulling him closer and nibbling on his lips, breathing those words against his mouth and not finishing his sentences, interrupting his speech with kisses instead. They could both feel how Hoseok's phone vibrated in the pocket of his jeans, but this time both of them had the same attitude towards it.

There was no need for words this time, not when they had already spoken most of the relevant ones. Hyungwon kept covering Hoseok's warm lips with his own, tasting them and letting their tongues meet. Even though Hoseok had avoided him for weeks and returned the fear of abandonment he had almost forgotten, he couldn't help wanting to be with the other man. He wanted to be held and to hold in return. He wanted to be there when Hoseok broke down just like this, helpless and pressured and have Hoseok be there for him in the same way when he attempted to hide away. All those things hadn't mattered before and once again being next to Hoseok showed him that now they did.

"I'm still in love with you," he breathed out. He needed to tell Hoseok that the feelings were still there, rushing through his veins as their lips met.

"This might be the only thing that I really suck at, but I love you. I love you so much that I'm thinking about how to prevent you from going back to work and hating myself for thinking like that because I know that you love working."

Smiling because he had the same thoughts, Hyungwon tightened his embrace and rested his forehead against Hoseok's, enjoying the closeness.

_He doesn't need to if he allows you to be next to him and help him._

"You're the only one who can compete with work, Hoseok," he murmured. "And we both know how much that means."

"Mhm," the low voice hummed and Hoseok leaned back, smiling and brushing a lock from his forehead. "But I don't want to compete. I want to learn how to make you happy. I want to make you happy."

_You're happy next to him, when he is._

"Then stop running away. From me, but also from emergency medicine, from feeling too much, from risky work that might result in mistakes. Stop running away from it all and let me help you."

Stumbling back, Hoseok sat on the edge of the bed, still holding both of his hands and looking up with eyes that looked so emotional that he had trouble looking away.

"I will. Just please don't leave me," Hoseok breathed out and pulled him on top of himself, hugging him so tightly that it was hard to breathe.

The arms around him and the hot mouth didn't make the weeks of intense emotional pain and fear of abandonment go away, but they gave some hope. Hope that he was able to get through, that as long as there were feelings there was something to work with, hope that even though he was somebody who the other man loved and was used to running away from, Hoseok would finally let him in.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Did You Miss Me?' came to an end.
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CHAPTER 14

Feelings are a luxury.

That was one of the first things he had noticed after moving out and trying to get his shit together, get his life back on track, not disappoint Yura after breaking what she has tried to keep for years and to show his kids that being apart from their mother didn’t mean that he didn’t love them or wanted to stay away from them.

_But it doesn’t work. You aren’t even able to look at him, Hoseok. What the fuck are you doing this for?_

Hyungwon had been able to end his relationship and be here for him right after, so why the fuck couldn’t he get into a mental state where he didn’t want to break down and cry or stare at his wall while sitting on the bed in his new apartment, hoping that the person he wanted to see the most would magically appear in front of his door?

Hyungwon never did. But not because the other man didn’t want to. It was because Hoseok had never told him the address, waiting for a good time, for a time he would be ready to drown in the adrenaline Hyungwon provided him with, ready to focus on the black-haired man, give him everything he needed and more, but the time never came. Instead, his devastation grew and what started as an attempt to take responsibility for once ended in weeks stretching and creating another misunderstanding. One that he was sure Hyungwon wouldn’t forgive him for.

_Because you ran away again, even though you promised. You promised him that you wouldn’t, but it’s the first thing you did. Turn around and leave him standing there. He should just leave you instead because you don’t fucking deserve him. You never did._

“Is something wrong, daddy?” Areum asked, stuffing a pancake into her mouth and putting another one on Riku’s plate. He was glancing at the clock, keeping the time in mind that he needed to take the kids to school, drive to work high speed, do his shift and get some groceries on his way back. The lack of time that he spent at work made him go crazy. Sometimes he couldn’t fall asleep and went through all the surgeries that he and Hyungwon had both attended, what they did and whether any of them could improve. Mostly he found mistakes in his own work, doubting himself so much more than when he was working.

_And you force yourself to be miserable because you miss him._

“Nothing much. Eat up, we have to go,” he murmured, packing his bag and making sure that Riku had his lunch for kindergarten. “Remember how your teacher scolded me for coming late? He’s scary.” Plastering a smile on his face, he pushed his daughter towards the hallway.

“I have a question. Why don’t you live with Hyungwon? Didn’t you leave mom to be with Hyungwon? Why aren’t you? He doesn’t like you anymore?”

_Maybe he doesn’t. And he would be so right if he didn’t._

“I’m not sure. I haven’t had any time to meet him. We don’t see each other at work either because our shifts are different and I work less now to be with you guys more…” he started, but it sounded fucking terrible, so he didn’t continue.

“Did you leave him? Why would you do that, dad? He was the only one who made you smile and now you don’t smile again and you don’t fly in the helicopter either. I don’t want you to be with us all the time. I want you to be happy and smile. Go back to him.” Areum slipped into her shoes and crossed both arms in front of her chest. “I have mom and Riku and you don’t have anybody. You don’t do anything great with us anyway, it’s just sitting there and looking at walls, it isn’t healthy. Please ask Hyungwon to forgive you, maybe he will. He’s a really good person.”

“He is,” Hoseok whispered and let his eyes flutter shut. “Your dad is just really bad at keeping the love around.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about. I’m really bad at arts, but it doesn’t mean that I stop going to classes. Even if you’re bad at it, you have to try and improve, dad. You told me that I can learn anything, so why can’t you?

_Why can’t you?_

The knowledge that Areum was right didn’t make it any easier or solve anything. It just made it more obvious that he wasn’t able to do what he was supposed to. Namely take responsibility for his previous decisions and make the person who he wanted to be with happy.

_

_You knew that he was in his office, but you ran past it like a scaredy cat._

Hoseok was walking towards his car, replaying every single situation when he could’ve talked to Hyungwon, told him that he was sorry, asked him to have a talk, to at least fucking explain himself after thirty days.

_How could you drag it for so long? It was clear that you wouldn’t manage after a week, but you kept trying and now he’s probably done with you for good._

In the end it had been the same thing that made him run away back in the days. The idiotic decision that he had made and the subsequent fear of getting hurt. Some people changed for good, like Hyungwon, but then there were people like him who stayed the same even after making a thousand mistakes.

_You’re an idiot. An idiot who lost his chance to finally be happy._

When he was turned and pushed against his car and the air left his lungs only to be able to finally see the face that he was dreaming of from up close, he thought that it might have been a hallucination, but the pain in the big eyes was so real that he couldn’t have made it up. There was anger too and he couldn’t get out a single sentence, nothing that made any sense in that situation. Of course, the gorgeous black-haired man across from him was so much better at this, immediately calling him out on his bullshit and asking why he had to do this to him.

_Why do you have to do this to him, Hoseok? He didn’t fucking deserve it. Any of it._

His own words made him nauseous. How he attempted to explain that he was still in love, still wanted to be with Hyungwon, still… wasn’t able to take responsibility for his decisions, his actions and his wish to have it all.

_And he even understands you. Why…?_

His hands were shaking when he lifted his phone and saw Yura’s number, but it was too late now. Too late, now that he was next to Hyungwon, now that he could feel the fingers around his shoulders, the warm breaths, hear the low voice and the things that he wished somebody could’ve said to him during those four long weeks when he tried to survive by himself. His lungs clenched as he inhaled and dropped to his knees, letting the phone drop to the ground next to him and wrapping his arms around Hyungwon. He just wanted mercy. Hoseok wanted to be forgiven this once, feeling that he wouldn’t survive it if he didn’t have Hyungwon. He couldn’t breathe all this time and now that he desperately inhaled the air around him it appeared so obvious.

_You’re so good at lying to yourself. He’s the only one you needed all this time._

Even when Hyungwon sat next to him and he parked right in front of his building in a no parking zone, Hoseok felt as if there was no way that the other man could forgive him for what he had done, abandoning him for weeks only because he felt weak enough to drop everything. The picture that he grabbed when they entered the bedroom was a desperate attempt to make Hyungwon understand that despite being an asshole, running away and hurting him, Hoseok still cared. Fuck, Hyungwon was the only person who could make him smile like that, Areum was right.

_She said you can learn it, you need to learn it._

“I’m going to choose you from now on,” he whispered when Hyungwon sat on his lap, looking so fucking beautiful that he didn’t want to see anything else ever. “I’m going to drive you back to work in forty minutes and then I’m going to pick you up again. Would you like that?” he asked, feeling like a child because he had no idea how he could prove to Hyungwon that he loved him more than anything else. Namjoon had told him what he needed to do to make his children feel loved, but he had no idea what Hyungwon needed. Remembering the difficult surgery from a few weeks ago, he glanced up and cupped the handsome face.

“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you after that surgery. I knew that you were miserable but I was a coward. Namjoon said actions mean so much more than words and I have no idea how I’m supposed to fix this,” he whispered. “I don’t want you to forgive me but at the same time… please forgive me…”

Hyungwon sighed out loud, showing him that the other man was still hurt, even if he sat on his lap with his arms around him and made him feel better with his words.

"I'll be honest with you, Hoseok. That sucked," the low voice murmured eventually as Hyungwon met his gaze. "It sucked but I still want to be with you because I can see that you want me, just like before. You keep torturing yourself with your own decisions and by rejecting you, I'm merely doing what you always do - hurting both of us. I'm not going to do that."

_You know that you don’t deserve him, but you still want him more than anything else._

“Did you really think that I changed my mind?” he asked because he couldn’t imagine it. “That I broke up with Yura, moved out, and took an apartment five minutes away from yours and changed my mind?”

"Well-" Hyungwon chuckled and caressed his cheek and neck with his fingers, touch careful and affectionate. "Those were my reasons for the first two weeks, thinking that you were just overwhelmed by making everything work. But… when you pushed the only shift we had together and time passed it started to sound ridiculous in my head, you know? Why would you act like this if you didn't?"

“Because I’m hopeless,” he whispered and sighed before letting himself fall on the sheets and taking Hyungwon along until the other man hovered over him, black hair tickling his forehead. “Because I was trying to make everything work but it all went to shit and the more time passed the less I felt it was possible to tell you about it. You know, the whole concept was ‘getting my shit together and then offering myself to Hyungwon in all my glory’. I couldn’t just come to you and kneel in front of you like today because that was basically the only thing I could’ve done with the amount of resources I have. I hate everything, even though you should be the one complaining and hating me.”

"And what made you think that I wouldn't accept you the way you are?" Hyungwon smiled suddenly and he had missed the sight so much that his breath hitched. "No offense, Hoseok, but I accepted you despite you cowardly running away, hiding in a bathroom, keeping my pictures in a folder that you meant to delete and being overly self-conscious because of my ex-boyfriend even though you are utterly gorgeous. Why wouldn't I accept you having problems if I wanted you despite everything all this time?"

"I'm still feeling self-conscious because of your ex-boyfriend. I looked up some… some stuff when I was alone and didn't know what to do with myself. But you're right, you did. You accepted me even though I acted like an idiot. Like now." He sighed again, but the smile left him with so much adrenaline that he couldn't help it and lifted his head, kissing those thick lips. Despite Hyungwon assuring him, he couldn't believe that the other man really wanted him. "I found a lawyer too, but Yura really hates it. I guess she wanted to continue like this. Living apart but still being married."

Hyungwon seemed surprised by that, eyes widening briefly as he leaned back after their kiss.

"But why? Doesn't she want to be happy too, find somebody who can satisfy all of her needs, not only responsibilities?" Shifting on top of him, Hyungwon traced the form of his lips in thought. "I understand that she must hate the change, but I hoped that it would give her the opportunity to pursue what she wants for herself in life, the emotional support she needs."

"Currently, she's busy organizing strange family gatherings and telling the kids that we loved each other but I left. That's why it felt even further from 'getting my shit together'. She knows where I live of course, so she comes to get the kids and wants to talk, even though there's nothing to talk about. Last time she told me that she knows that we didn't meet, so I could as well just come back… Anyways. I think it's hard on her." Hoseok lifted both arms and crossed them under his head, staring at Hyungwon like at the sky. He was just as beautiful if not more.

"Shit, that sounds terrible." Hyungwon pressed his lips together and looked concerned until a hint of hurt reappeared on his face. As usual the other man didn't hesitate to speak his thoughts. "I can't believe that you didn't tell me the address of your new apartment but say that she 'of course' knows where it is. I know that she needs to know to take care of the children, but I still hate it. I hate it as much as the sweet scent of your marital bed and that you avoided me right after leaving a bit of yourself between my thighs."

First, he didn't fully understand the implications of what Hyungwon was saying, but the last time they were together, were close, as close as they could possibly be was at his previous house, in his previous bed. They had sex without using protection and Hyungwon took him like that, raking through his hair, biting him and telling him not to stop.

_And you didn't see him after that. Just like the first time._

"Fuck. I have the best timing, don't I?"

"You sure do." Hyungwon used his right hand to scratch over his shoulder, as if it was meant to be a punishment, but Hoseok liked it too much for that. "You somehow manage to condition me to not get too close, even though that is what you want, isn't it?"

The hiss that left his lips didn't go unnoticed and Hyungwon repeated the way his nails travelled over his skin, leaning in and nibbling on his bottom lip.

“Truth is, there are many things I’m doing because I have to, but being next to you, also back then, had always been like a holiday from everything. An exciting one. Why can’t I be on holiday forever?” he muttered and showed how his body reacted to Hyungwon hovering over him and burying his nails in his skin. “We don’t have much time, do we? Would you be okay if I... bury my face between your legs?” he asked, gaze meeting Hyungwon’s eye. He saw the spark that was visible when the other man took over, controlled the situation, his motions, scratched his skin or pulled his hair and it excited him as much as it excited Hoseok.

Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth and let himself fall to the side next to Hoseok, big eyes watching him as the other man hummed in agreement.

"I just want you to know that if you try to avoid me again I'm going to come here uninvited and kill you."

“Why does it sound like something I would enjoy?” he asked, undoing a few buttons on his shirt, enough to let it slip down one shoulder as he crawled between Hyungwon’s legs and stroked over his thighs.

"Because you like this too much to be healthy," Hyungwon whispered as his right hand travelled over the exposed skin of his shoulder and slipped into his hair, tugging roughly.

“No. I don’t want to hurt you. I hate hurting you, but I do love this spark in your gaze when you grab my hair and pull. I think it is healthy because it makes me breathe faster and my blood flow is better too.” Smiling briefly, he opened Hyungwon’s suit pants and pulled them down the slim hips, placing kisses all over Hyungwon’s groin and letting the other man lead him where he wanted him. His gaze stayed on the other man’s face and the expression made his breath hitch. He missed being close. “But I don’t think you’re scratching me and pulling my hair because I’m the one liking it.”

"Correct," Hyungwon gasped as his eyes fluttered shut and an additional tug on his hair told him that the other man must have enjoyed it. "But it's part of it. You learned quickly even though you were always able to drive me mad independently."

“You’re perfect. Simply perfect,” he whispered before Hyungwon led him higher and he didn’t comply, taking the tugs and sucking on the other man’s balls instead.

_Why would you provoke him?_

Hoseok simply felt like it, like Hyungwon deserved every fucking thing and he was going to give it to him.

Hyungwon's abdomen flexed and his erection twitched as if to pull his attention back before the grip on his hair got rougher, tugging against the direction he had decided on.

"Adventurous," the other man remarked before chuckling, as if he knew that Hoseok provoked him and encouraged him to be rougher. Hyungwon obviously loved being in control, leading him and playing with his hair in the meantime. It almost resembled being praised when those long fingers massaged his scalp when he followed, only to tug again when he didn't.

“I’m in awe at your personality, so I like seeing more of it. And I enjoy it. A lot,” he murmured, not following again and licking over the other man’s entrance before finally complying and lifting his head to lick all the way from Hyungwon’s balls to his tip. “Fuck my mouth,” he whispered and stuck out his tongue, brushing Hyungwon’s tip over his bottom lip.

A smile spread the other man's lips as he sat up just enough to be able to see his face properly and raked through his hair once. The touch was tender before transforming into a tight grip on his black hair that pulled him forward, the perfect amount to have the tip of Hyungwon's erection slip past his lips.

"You're doing so well," the low voice praised as more of Hyungwon's length entered his mouth and the other man built up a rhythm with his grip. Hoseok enjoyed being close and relaxed his throat, letting Hyungwon go as far as he wanted, humming and swallowing around the tip. His hums got louder when the other man lifted his left hand and grabbed his naked shoulder, leaving bright red lines as he moaned with his gorgeous low voice and made him take all of him along with his release.

_He’s so attractive. So fucking attractive._

He was. But Hoseok also had exactly eight minutes to drive him back to work as he had promised. He couldn’t start over with broken promises. Waiting until Hyungwon loosened the grip on his hair, he moved back, gasping for air and quickly pulling the black suit pants back up. “And now I’ll drive you back to work,” he murmured with his rough voice.

"Right," Hyungwon gasped and rolled his eyes once as he jumped up from the bed while obviously recovering from his orgasm. When the other man had slipped into his shoes and was ready to leave the apartment, Hoseok was met with a serious expression.

"And you better pick me up again, Hoseok. You're not getting rid of me any time soon."

“You think I want to? I did all that to come to you and tell you confidently that I’m yours now. I guess I was yours without saying it, so here I am.” Smiling, he wasted time by walking towards the tall man, slowly wrapping one arm around him and kissing his gorgeous lips again. “You said you’d take me like this, right? You can’t take it back now.”

The feeling of Hyungwon’s warm mouth against his own accompanied the burning adrenaline in his veins and as if knowing exactly how much he needed it right now, Hyungwon's lips spread in a smile so gorgeous that it took his breath away and he reached out, brushing his thumb over the pretty mole in the middle of his bottom lip. He couldn't say for sure but he felt that no matter what happened to him, staying away from what he loved wasn't a solution to anything.

Sure, his family situation was still a mess, the sudden lingering attachment from his wife, his fruitless attempts at creating a healthy environment for his children, all that was still bothering him and making him feel helpless in more ways than one. In addition, he missed work and he missed doing what he loved most, but right at that moment, standing in the hallway of his new apartment that had been the first step towards a life that he had always wanted for himself but never dared to pursue, he felt like the slim arms that wrapped around him could lift him higher than a helicopter ever could.

There was nothing he wanted more than to be close to the person that despite all the hurt and misunderstandings loved him the way he was, thought that he deserved to be happy and was able to make him… just like that... with an embrace and a gorgeous smile alone.

***

Turning into the hallway, Hyungwon's eyes fell on familiar broad shoulders, a white doctor's gown and black hair that he remembered raking his fingers through.

At first his mind provided him with a similar situation a few weeks ago, the way the white gown flew up as Hoseok hurried past him. The other man hadn't even bothered to look at him for longer than a second.

But that image was almost instantly pushed aside by the way Hoseok had gasped and moaned below him the night before. Those delicate hands that held a clipboard had been tugging at the tie that Hyungwon used to tie the slim wrists to the headboard.

As if Hoseok wanted to add to the pleasant warmth in his chest, those dark eyes lifted from another colleague that Hoseok was talking to and met his own. The smile and unexpected hint of shyness caught him off guard and Hyungwon had to contain himself to not cross the distance and interrupt the two men's conversation just to have Hoseok's attention all for himself.

But alas, he was at work and being with Hoseok would have to wait until later, when they had one of the few surgeries that Hoseok still participated in.

_You're so happy suddenly, shining brighter than the sun._

Smiling to himself, Hyungwon made his way towards his office and threw his white gown on top of a chair. He preferred to be without when he sat in his office chair and went through some of the planned surgeries and diagnostics.

Instead of the heap of documents that had been waiting for him since yesterday, there was a small box lying in the middle of his desk. Surprised, he sat down in his office chair and took a closer look, immediately loving the soft pink color of the packaging. The sight tugged at something in his memories, but he wasn't able to pinpoint it yet.

_It's your favorite color._

His first thought was a present from the nurses as they did that sometimes, thanking him after a particularly difficult week. He did the same, even if he chose things that were a little more obvious like cookies or chocolate.

Letting his fingertips run over the edges of the box, Hyungwon was glad that nobody saw him and therefore couldn't see how much he loved surprises and toyed with the anticipation. He lifted the box and smelled it, surprised that it reminded him of faint perfume without being obvious.

_It smells like Hoseok's home, but that doesn't make sense, does it?_

The mere possibility that it was a present from Hoseok made him even more impatient and he fought with himself to not just rip off the lid and finally see what was inside.

_Why didn't you think of it before? It's your favorite color and he always gifted you things in your favorite color._

Tracing the edges of the box one last time, Hyungwon finally removed the lid and glanced inside. A pink post-it was the first thing his eyes focused on and he loved how consistent the other man was. Back then he had gifted Hyungwon tickets to a concert they went to together and since the tickets were so small but the present big, Hoseok had wrapped it in masses of pink packaging with each layer a slightly different shade. The letter had been long too even though Hoseok had never managed to say the three words that mattered.

_And neither have you._

There was no need for many words as there was only a single one written on the pink post-it. 'Yours' it said and Hyungwon smiled as he imagined Hoseok writing it.

_Is that why he looked a little shy out there?_

Only when he lifted up the post-it note, did he realize that there had been more in the box. Hyungwon would have already been happy with the note alone, feeling like Hoseok was giving himself, but the pair of keys that fit snugly into the tiny box said even more than that.

_It means you're welcome and you belong._

It might have seemed sentimental, but Hyungwon grabbed the pair of keys with both his hands and held them to his forehead, inhaling the scent of Hoseok's apartment. It felt good, so good to have an obvious invitation like that, a silent sign that he was part of Hoseok's life and that there was space for him in the spacious apartment apart from the two children.

_You can't just sit here like this._

Slipping the keys into his pocket, next to his own, Hyungwon opened the bottom drawer on the left and fumbled with a few pens and office materials until he found his spare key, safely tucked away. Maybe it was embarrassing, but a pink bunny keychain was attached to it, the same one Hyungwon had used for his home key in high school, a gift.

_You're such a nostalgic bitch._

Hyungwon chuckled at his inability to throw things away, be it photographs, homemade porn or pink gifts he received years ago. Even though it was nostalgic, it had given him the opportunity to get closer to Hoseok more than once. Now was another one of those times.

Throwing his gown over his shoulders one more time, Hyungwon left his office and hurried towards the restroom closer to Hoseok's last patient talk. Maybe it wasn't the best location, but Hyungwon knew Hoseok's schedule by heart and since he had been discussing a case with a colleague, now was his only time for a restroom break.

_Watch him think you're stalking him._

"Hoseok?" he called out as soon as he entered and instantly focused his gaze on the gorgeous man who was drying his hands and looked surprised, lifting his head. The scene reminded him of the time he had confronted the other man right there.

"Oh, hey," the other man replied and smiled beautifully before taking a step towards him.

_But this doesn't compare to back then at all._

Unable to help it, he simply grabbed Hoseok's face with both hands and placed a kiss on the curved lips, holding it for a few seconds before burying his face in the crook of Hoseok's neck.

"Thank you," he murmured, feeling the same warmth he felt while observing the other man in the hallway and smiling at him.

"I am not a creative person, so I keep following the same pattern to be safe." Licking his lips, Hoseok traced his waist, showing how much he liked it. "Working next to you is torture."

"Because I just find you in the restroom and kiss you in public?" He chuckled and stepped back just enough to consider it more appropriate but without being too far for his taste. "You're the only one who knows my favorite color and acts on it. That made me fucking happy, Hoseok."

“You probably don’t know, but I will tell you a secret that I’m doing it all for this smile because it makes me so fucking happy, Hyungwon. You’re welcome at my place and I want you to feel it, to come whenever you like and to know that I’m yours. I’m yours from my head to my toes.”

_He knows exactly what you need to hear._

Hyungwon licked over his lips to deal with the wish to just grab Hoseok and take him home. Instead, he took the spare key with the bunny out of his pocket and placed it into the delicate hands, observing the resulting expression intently.

_What if he doesn't remember giving it to you?_

The black eyes widened, becoming so round that he could have drawn a circle around them had he wanted to. Something must’ve clicked, of that he was sure, but when the other man suddenly crouched he felt as if it wasn’t anything good.

“You’re crazy,” Hoseok whispered, pressing the key to his forehead. “I can’t believe you still have it.”

"I'm sentimental," Hyungwon murmured before laughing out of sheer happiness. He reached for Hoseok's hair and stroked over it, content that something as simple as a pink bunny meant as much to Hoseok as it did to him.

Keeping his gaze on the bunny, Hoseok started talking. “I will tell you something right now and please don’t think that I’m doing it because you just gave me something that I gave you back when we were literal kids. I kept thinking about what’s so special about you, about the way you make me feel and I think you are the only person that could persuade me that I was perfect the way I was. You always made me feel accepted and fought my insecurities. I remember standing in that shop back then and asking myself whether I had been weird for wanting to buy you something, for picking an adorable gift, for thinking about your hair when I did, and you were so happy when I gave it to you and it’s the same all over again now. You make me so fucking happy, Hyungwon. You’re magic. No matter what color your hair is, pink or black, you’re everything to me and you can make me happy just like that.”

Hyungwon felt his throat clog up and how his hands shook where they held onto Hoseok. They were standing in a restroom during their work hours and he couldn't help but feel like crying out of happiness, simply because Hoseok was able to put something into words that he had merely felt until that moment. There were so many things connecting them, even if they’d grown up and changed. So many things that Hyungwon couldn't wait to discover all of them.

"And you have the ability to make me cry in restrooms," he whispered and chuckled, knowing that Hoseok would know what he meant. "Only it's happiness this time. Take responsibility."

“Your hands are shaking and you have surgery in a bit, Dr. Chae,” Hoseok commented with a gorgeous smile, taking his hand and kissing his fingers with his soft lips, one by one before curling his hand around his palm and leaning his cheek against it. “I love you. I suck at this but I love you.”

He hummed because it didn’t need any words or confessions. Hoseok’s fingers that curled around the key with the bunny chain, and the hand in his pocket that held the key Hoseok gave him was enough to feel safe without additional words. Just like the man in front of him admitted to his insecurities and thanked him for making him feel better, Hyungwon inhaled, letting the warmth from Hoseok’s cheek and the lingering kisses on his fingers calm his racing heartbeat. Hoseok could do that. Just like that.

_

Wondering if it had been a good idea to give Areum his phone number, Hyungwon tried to ignore the vibrating device in the pocket of his gown as he washed his hands and was about to go back to his office to finish up paperwork. He knew that Hoseok would come rather late because it was Tuesday and there was no reason to sit around at home if he didn’t feel tired at all. Being productive had always calmed him down and made him feel in control. A feeling that he had strived for no matter how much time passed. Hoseok had told him multiple times that he had changed, but in the end, he might have just found out more about himself, his character, what he wanted and needed in life. It might have looked like a major change. From chaos to control.

As if reading his thoughts, Dr. Roth caught him in the hallway, muttering something about helping out and transporting one of the patients from the ICU to another hospital and that they needed a neurosurgeon on board because the patient refuses to be transported otherwise.

“They told me to get you. Helicopter platform. They are about to take him up, please.” His colleague sounded utterly devastated, telling him that he had indeed been the only one who could’ve been asked in that situation. Oh well.

“I'll be on my way immediately,” he said and checked whether he had his mobile phone before sighing one last time at the pile of letters he still had to write and running after Dr. Roth. It was windy and he remembered the last time he had to go up to check up on the doc who had a stroke right in the middle of an air rescue operation.

_And you saw Hoseok. He should be on call now too._

Smiling to himself and ignoring his colleagues' lack of understanding towards his cheerfulness, he ran up the stairs, getting briefed on where the patient was supposed to go, how long it would take and being reassured that Dr. Roth would replace him in the meantime. The air was fresh and he inhaled deeply, enjoying the difference to the stuffy hospital. A paramedic rushed towards him, putting a red jacket on his shoulders before helping him up into the helicopter. He glanced at the patient, remembering that it had been the one he had treated because of accident related head trauma, performing a craniectomy with Hoseok as the anesthetist.

_You remember it well because you remember his gaze on you._

The doctor sat next to the patient, dressed completely in the air rescue gear with glasses, headphones and helmet, checking the vitals and nodding at him. Something about the smile was familiar, and he put the helmet with headphones on, suddenly hearing the familiar voice. “Welcome on board, Dr. Chae,” Hoseok said and the smile added up to the rest, making his skin tingle. “I’m glad that you were available.”

Excitement rushed through him, a sensation he mostly knew from surgeries and Hyungwon didn't need to reflect on it to know that it was because of Hoseok.

_If only you could always see him like this._

"Can't wait to see you in action," he mouthed to keep the words between the two of them. The smile on the curved lips he knew was the most genuine one he had seen yet, a gorgeous curve upwards at the edges that felt like the sun itself. It warmed him from the inside despite the freezing wind only moments ago.

Hoseok’s calmness was contagious, the way the broad shoulders were relaxed and how steady the other man’s voice was when he briefed him about the operation, the patient’s condition and safety measures in case something happened as the rotor blades started turning and they lifted from the ground. The man who he barely recognized kept his gaze on the patient most of the time, checking his vitals and making notes and only sometimes, when there was a long pause and he stared at the handsome face, the other man pulled his glasses a bit lower on his nose and met his gaze.

_As if he knows that you need it while working._

“The patient was pretty anxious before the transport, so I recommended to the residents that they should contact the doctor who performed the surgery. I’m glad that you agreed. The vitals look much better now.”

"I doubt that it's only my presence," he replied, still overwhelmed by the confidence with which Hoseok held himself and acted. Instead of both of them being in Hyungwon's realm of expertise, they were now in Hoseok's, still sharing gazes and knowing without words what needed to be done.

Just as they were smiling at each other, the machines started going crazy, sound going right into the headphones that were obviously connected to the equipment response. Hoseok turned around fast, leaning over the patient with a light, checking his pupils and commenting to the team that there was a problem. It was overwhelming to hear how steady the low voice was, how quickly Hoseok turned to him and pointed at the pupils before asking him for his opinion on whether it was a stroke, waiting for his response.

_He's much calmer than you could ever be._

Hyungwon was a surgeon and away from his instruments and the perfect control over his hands, he wasn't experienced in dealing with the life or death of another person. His heartbeat was hammering in his chest and nothing about his demeanor suggested the same calm control that Hoseok demonstrated.

_But there is nothing you can do like this, a surgeon without a purpose._

Forcing himself to relax and focus, he leaned closer and examined the muscle tension, change in pupils and lack of response of one half of the patient's face that followed.

"It's looks like an ischemic stroke," he replied and returned his attention to Hoseok, waiting for him to tell him what to do.

_A switch in your roles._

Humming into the microphone and audible to the team, Hoseok took out an ampule and injected the patient something intravenously before letting his eyes flutter shut for a few seconds that seemed like an eternity. Why didn’t he do anything, something?

“Okay. Do we have good conditions for flying to the University hospital?” he asked, still keeping his eyes closed as the pilot gave his okay to the flying conditions and left the decision to Hoseok about which hospital they should fly to. He remembered how the other man had told him about the one mistake back then, that it had been about the decision which hospital to fly to. “Then University hospital it is. Please call them and tell them to prepare for a stroke patient after a craniectomy and that we will be there in about eight minutes. They should get ready.”

_It won't be your patient after you arrive, so even then it won't be your expertise._

Hyungwon observed, speechless because there was nothing he could do, not while in the air and without equipment. Hoseok was the one in charge, the one deciding about the best way to save the patient while Hyungwon could only calm his racing heart and be fascinated by the expertise with which the other man handled the situation. Even though there was pressure and each second cost them brain tissue, Hoseok's calm was contagious.

“I gave him an IV injection of recombinant tissue plasminogen activator, so we should get some time,” Hoseok smiled briefly and took out the chart to note the time when the symptoms started, checking the vitals and muscle tension in both arms. “Does it feel strange without the CT and equipment around?”

_It is, as if this is no place for you._

"It feels as if there is no reason for me to be here apart from being your admirer," he replied, smiling back even though adrenaline was rushing through his veins.

“Bullshit. But you do make me a bit nervous, even though at the same time I’m kind of happy that you can go with me once.” Hoseok gave instructions to the team as they were approaching the university hospital.

_He's nervous?_

Hyungwon had difficulty believing it, especially with the confidence that Hoseok's body language suggested. Maybe it was because he couldn't see the other man's eyes properly and they might have revealed how nervous Hoseok really was, but like this there seemed to be no doubt that the man next to him knew exactly what he was doing.

_You trust him to make the right decision._

"I'm happy that I can see you in action, see how perfect you are for this." Swallowing, Hyungwon ripped his gaze away from the patient and looked at Hoseok, fascinated by how stable his posture was. "I would trust you with my life."

Hoseok glanced outside, giving the feedback that he was ready for landing and checked the gurney before gesturing for him to sit down and buckle up. When they sat across from each other, Hoseok’s lips mouthed something that he couldn’t decipher as the other man looked completely serious, eyes glancing at the machines in regular intervals.

The pilot must’ve been really good as they landed without much fuss and Hoseok unbuckled quickly before helping the paramedics with the door and transporting the patient outside, briefing the team and asking him for his brief summary of the previous surgery. The time flew by so fast and he couldn’t believe it when they sat in the helicopter together, flying back to the hospital they both worked at.

‘You’re making me dizzy, doctor,’ Hoseok mouthed, looking him right in the eyes.

'And you make me want to be controlled for once,' he mouthed back, containing the urge to reach out. Hoseok was like a different person in the air, one that Hyungwon wanted to sink his nails into while asking to feel more. The desire was sudden, as if it took over the stress and adrenaline he had felt moments ago.

‘I want you,’ Hoseok replied without a sound before licking his lips and telling him to make sure he was buckled up because they were about to land.

Hyungwon didn't reply and merely checked his buckle before curling and uncurling his fists a few times to get a grip. They had to land and actually he had several surgeries he still had to finish the documentation for, but still his eyes kept slipping to Hoseok in that jacket and the curve of the other man's lips. The curve Hyungwon could have been tracing with his tongue by now.

The other man’s calmness drove him crazy, just like how easily Hoseok jumped out of the helicopter, telling his team members to take a break and that they’ll see each other in ten minutes. He was stunned at how confident the walk was when Hoseok went towards the restrooms, dressed in that red air rescue gear, black hair messy from wearing the helmet but still managing to look utterly gorgeous.

_Ten minutes, Hyungwon. He said ten minutes._

There wasn't much thinking involved as he kept all conversations short and hurried towards the restrooms after Hoseok, closing the door behind himself and putting it on the emergency lock. It was unfair towards anybody who might have wanted to use it, but ten minutes should have been survivable.

He heard Hoseok in one of the cabins before he came out and washed his hands, glancing up and meeting his gaze in the mirror.

"Deja vu?" Hyungwon whispered until he decided that they had no fucking time for conversation. Walking the few meters that separated him from Hoseok in a matter of seconds, he turned the other man through a grip on his shoulders and pushed him into the sink, instantly clashing their lips together.

Hoseok gasped and he felt the strong arms around his waist without delay. The gorgeous man must've wanted him too. Enough to not say a single word, instantly licking into his mouth and nibbling on his bottom lip, eyes closed.

It felt relieving and like getting burned all at once. The time that they had spent in the helicopter only fueled the desire to be close and kissing satisfied and increased it at the same time. Hyungwon didn't want to let go, not now and not in ten minutes. His lips roamed over Hoseok's face, jaw and neck, nibbling and leaving faint marks that would disappear in a few minutes.

"Did you miss me?" the low voice asked accompanied by a smile that he couldn't see but very well feel against his neck as the delicate hands stroked down his spine, under his doctor's gown, drawing the curve of his ass.

The motion reminded him of the confidence and control Hoseok had shown on the helicopter, making Hyungwon want to see it all over again, just for him.

"Yes," he gasped and turned them around, leaning against the sink himself as he slipped a leg in between Hoseok's muscular thighs. He fantasized about how he was going to pull that red jacket down the broad shoulders and have the other man for himself.

"Why do I only have ten minutes? I want to taste you everywhere and have your gorgeous legs around my neck, or your butt in my face if you let me." Hoseok grinned as one hand slipped under his shirt, cold and sending a shiver down his spine, but so hot at the same time. The look on the handsome face screamed that Hoseok wanted him right here, no matter how.

"Because you love both me and work," he replied and closed his teeth around a sensitive patch of skin that rewarded him with a breathy moan. "And both of us constantly fight for your attention. Maybe work is winning this time, but tonight you are mine, Hoseok."

Again, there was a smile against his neck before the curved lips placed a kiss on his mouth and Hoseok took out his phone before it started ringing loudly. "I'm always yours, dummy," the low voice whispered before there was another kiss, sloppy and quick before Hoseok unlocked the door and the red made way for the hospital white.

"You are," Hyungwon murmured to himself, leaning against the sink and feeling more alive than ever.

the end.


End file.
